BarbecueMan666 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Hi there, Been a pretty avid poster on this forum over the past month, and for good reason - I was left destroyed and heart broken. I'm still riding the breakup roller coaster, some days are tough, some days are great, would like to share what I've learnt to help out some of our visitors. (P.S. I am not totally cured, and will probably always look at this person with a slight sting - but I'm doing much better. I'm recovering.) The past couple of months have been the hardest I've ever experienced without a shadow of doubt. I've been through crippling lows where my heart feels so painful, my stomach so sickly, and my mind incapable of just shutting off the home movie reel of "happiest moments ever of all time". I'm sure you know the feeling, and hey, if you're new to this forum, well it's definitely a great place to be. My relationship was 1.5 years long, and I loved her. It was my first long term relationship at 23 years old, I've broken hearts, but never been dealt one. We ended it based on her not seeing things working anymore, and I was left stranded. Initially I felt ok - shock helped out, and just generally I didn't really think that much about it, I kind of expected her to reach out and say she wanted me back. (As to be very honest, I was a great boyfriend, and in terms of giving to the relationship, I gave far more than she did.) Much to my disappointment, through a mutual friend (my housemate) I heard everything was doing better than ever, and she's marvelous. Something that helped me - The feeling of love acts just like a chemical. It's released into the brain and on average lasts for 2 years. Relationships that last longer than that found strong foundations and lasted, and were based on something deeper. For the unfortunate many - we breakup and move on, though the moving on seems a perilous and insurmountable task at this moment in time, it happens to everyone, it's not just you that's going through this, while you have your own very unique story, the feelings and emotions that you cycle through, have happened to us all before. What you're dealing with has been dealt with by many, no matter how hard it seems now, it does fade away. The feelings you have right after (atleast for guys) - may be numbness - the chemical is still running and takes up to a week to fade. The realization kicks in, and I'm sure you've seen the posters how men and women react differently to breakups - but it hits you, and it hits you hard. What I felt was loneliness, hopelessness, Esteem issues. My world from being on cloud 9, dropped and plummeted to the point I couldn't think of a happy thought without linking it to her. Even if somebody said "fork" I'd think of her eating with it, I couldn't help myself. - Luckily that obsessive depressive phase does dissipate. Dealing with this feeling is different for everyone, I've heard a whole range of ideas "keep yourself distracted, hang with friends - confide in just your closest friends" to "Don't talk to anyone, deal with the pain head on, it's the only way". Honestly there is no right answer, it's what works for you. I've found talking with my father and close friends very helpful. I relived my relationship for them, what went right, what went wrong - I asked for their perspective on things, which was surprisingly (at the time) very different to mine. What helped me was these people speaking what they thought, Imagine if someone you respect totally, be it a very famous actor or an idol told you straight up "this person just didn't seem that cool to me, you're better off without" - How would you feel? I know it'd make me feel better, and so I brought together the friends and family I respect the most, and they did that for me. One tip I want to give you now - Checking up is almost always never a good idea. If your ex was one of those people who constantly posts updates about how bad their life is and such, and they continue to do that, then maybe I could see it being ok, and hey, if the updates even got worse - you'd just see them as pathetic, and depending on how you reacted to that - could also be fine. BUT that is just a random one in a million kind of situation. What kind of ex would post terrible things happening to them? My ex posted about all this great stuff happening, and i practically tortured myself. Do I need to know about how she's doing? - No, Do I want to know? ... I guess???? It's just a habit you have to kick yourself out of. Eventually you learn, so if you are finding it so hard to let go that you're checking there fb page frequently, and every time there's a new picture, or a new happy status update or what ever you feel terrible. There's only so many times you can kick yourself in the nuts, and eventually you'll realize you're not doing yourself any good. So you can either go with the A) - don't look, what you can't see can't hurt you, despite being crazy curious (as you should be, don't think it's wrong to feel curious, you still care about your ex) - but looking at what's not yours anymore will only stir you the wrong way, and wanting what you can't have is human, and this feeling of want will be amplified. B) - Look as much as you want, kick yourself in the nuts everytime you see something you don't want to see, and keep getting yourself down - eventually you'll endure enough pain that you realize it's not worth putting yourself through it anymore. Which ever path you choose, time will help, but A) is certainly a better way of dealing with it. I Didn't actually plan on pressing enter - I wanted to write more :S - I'll update it as I go on ^^ 9
Author BarbecueMan666 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 The main thing that people forget to tell you is, not to feel guilty about what you're thinking and feeling. If you still love your ex, and still want to be with them - there's nothing wrong with that, what you don't want is to feel guilty about feeling these things on top of everything else you're going through. My Dad told me "Son, you can check on her anytime you like, don't feel guilty about it, it's your choice and nobody would think less of you for making it" - He took that approach on pretty much everything I was thinking. I was going to go through the motions whether I wanted to or not, accepting the fact this isn't going to be easy, and it's going to be hard is definitely part of the process. If you were in the "perfect relationship" and saw everything covered in roses, and the dream scenario 20 years down the line etc etc, but it ended anyhow, it just means it wasn't quite as perfect as you once thought. I myself idealized all the perfect moments we had, be it first meeting or first telling each other we loved one another things like this. I gathered our lovey moments in my mind and almost tortured myself for weeks with "Oh my god, how could this fade?!?! Does she not remember?!?!?!" In the end it's about perspective. What I forgot at the time was all the bad moments too, and if you're struggling to see them now, they will come - I don't necessarily mean you'll find out your ex is a bad person, but you'll realize they weren't the be all and end all of your happiness. Your happy line does not end purely because they're gone - it's just you have to re-learn to separate the two. My friends certainly helped with this. I knew bad things about my ex, but I guess I learnt to love them/cope with them. One thing I didn't like which I can share is the fact that if we came to a misunderstanding, It'd always be me giving in, I remember one argument over a christmas tree at my house with my 6 housemates (it's very large) - with 1 cat and 2 dogs. My ex wanted a christmas tree, a real one - despite them being pretty dangerous for cats, and I just simply said we'll get a fake one. This turned into a 15 minute argument, that involved my housemates also in which she wouldn't back down. (I was going to be the one paying for the tree also btw) - so my housemates also said no, and she still wanted one, and said "this is a really big deal for me" - in which I responded something like "Anytime you don't get your own way it's a big deal for you." - While slightly harsh maybe, this was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. 15 minutes later of silent treatment, she came to me and said "ok we can get the fake tree" (which I didn't want anyway, but I loved her) - and said she didn't know pine needles were bad for cats. No apology or anything, and that day and the next she was more cold with me than usual, despite me being more than reasonable. This was one example when talking to my friends they thought was totally absurd, that she had very little respect for my housemates, there pets or even what I wanted. This helped me delve down a path and I started to link things together that before I didn't truly see a problem with. I saw more selfish and inconsiderate traits and began to feel more content with what was happening to me. This was a huge step, and will be a huge step for anyone, realizing she isn't the Angel on that pedestal you thought she was, and working at that image. NOBODY is perfect. I don't mean that in the cynical sense - I just mean that in the Hey this is a fact sense. This person may not have been right for you, but the idea you built of her may have actually exceeded what she actually was. (this was my problem.) From being the mopey, self pitying individual I was - thinking I lost the only person that could ever care about me deeply and all that lovely stuff, I started thinking about things from a different perspective. Still my own perspective, but different. The image is hard to tear down, and for me I spent weeks thinking it was impossible, she was the best thing ever, only just recently, 7 weeks after the actual breakup have I actually been able to start doing it, start accepting what's happened to me to be really capable of working it down. I had a great time with her, and it's one I won't forget, but the idea and fairytale I built up between us was more than what we actually had, and for the first time I can actually breathe a sigh of relief and truly mean it. I don't know where you're at in your breakup, Nor will I ever "really" know. I'm just telling you things that have certainly helped me out, mini revelations so to speak, and rather than feeling that heavy aching heart on my chest constantly, quite often I go without her in my mind, or if she is in my mind, it can be painless. Ultimately, you are going to be OK. You weren't with the Perfect person, and there's someone out there still waiting to find you. The idea that everyone has a soul mate is a bit of a stretch, but if we go with that idea anyhow just for this thread, this person was not your soul mate anyhow. When in love we overlook the little things. And we sprinkle crazy cool dust on the good things. It's a tough ride, but if your idea outweighs how things actually were, and your partner just sees things how they actually are, that's a situation made for disaster and heartbreak. This was my first true true heartbreak as I've said and I've learnt so much from it. Not just about my ex - mainly about myself and the me of the future. I created the relationship and lived it in my head, A great masterpiece I had made too which has made it so hard to unravel and unclog. The only thing we can do at this point, is realize our mistakes, realize our triumphs and figure out what we can do better in the future. I don't hate my ex even though, after realizing things weren't as crystal clear as I thought, I know she did what she did because that's whom she was, and ultimately that's what I fell for. I don't feel guilty about falling for her, nor do I feel guilty about the story I conjured up. I don't actually feel guilty about anything anymore, for a little while I punished myself for "falling for it" - but I didn't truly fall for anything, I just loved her a lot, cared for her a lot, learnt a lot from the experience and will move forward in my life as I always have done. While they caused me a lot of pain, they probably didn't mean to, and if they did you're better off without them anyway. - Time heals, You'll feel miserable for days, weeks how ever long, eventually you'll start looking through your normal lenses and start seeing things for how they actually were. Time it takes yes, but also a free mind. You'll go through cycles of pity, self hate, hating your ex, hating everything and yada yada, eventually you get to a point where you realize things happened because well, they happened. You guys weren't right for each other, just one of you noticed it sooner. - Acceptance is key, while it's something that you'll eventually get to, don't think it's going to come willy nilly, you go through the phases, and it'll eventually come to you when you're ready. Thank you for reading. 9
iouaname Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 The main thing that people forget to tell you is, not to feel guilty about what you're thinking and feeling. If you still love your ex, and still want to be with them - there's nothing wrong with that, what you don't want is to feel guilty about feeling these things on top of everything else you're going through. My Dad told me "Son, you can check on her anytime you like, don't feel guilty about it, it's your choice and nobody would think less of you for making it" - He took that approach on pretty much everything I was thinking. I was going to go through the motions whether I wanted to or not, accepting the fact this isn't going to be easy, and it's going to be hard is definitely part of the process. This is really great advice and has been something that I've worked out with myself in therapy. People come here for advice and those with experience and outside perspective give them the advice, and it's generally always "No Contact. Do 'this.' Don't do 'that." And their advice is sound and reasonable and in most cases, the best advice. But, as people, we are flawed and do not always follow good advice that we are given. My main problem was that I always felt so guilty. I felt pressure to behave a certain way, to feel a certain way, to come to terms with this the right way, and I think it thwarted my progress more than anything because when I would not succeed in doing something that I was told I was supposed to be doing, it would only damage my self-esteem even further. The best piece of advice that I have gotten throughout this is to feel what you feel and allow yourself to feel it, be good to yourself and don't add unnecessary stress to an already stressful situation! 4
mcdo Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) All great tips and guidance. But the problem with me is that I was always well aware that my ex wasn't perfect. I still remember all of her bad points but it doesn't change my view of her because I was always aware of them. And I was always cool with it. I was quite happy to fit myself around her issues and insecurities in a way that we were a good fit. Put it this way - I'm malleable. I'll bend and change in whatever way I can to make the relationship work. And I was only ever happy to do it. In fact by doing that, I guess I promoted my ex's bad points even further. But I was still always cool with it. She would have to push me real hard to get me to break so it was very rare that I would lose my cool. That gives me no doubt that I can happily enjoy a life with someone else. They may have their own imperfections and I'll reshape myself around whatever they are. And I'll only be happy to do so. What is hard for me right now is trying to "reshape" myself. There's a hole that only my ex fits into and I've been busy trying to reshape it into something that the next girl can fit into. And I think I'm on the road to accomplishing that. Edited February 22, 2013 by mcdo
destroyed4sho Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 It's a tough ride, but if your idea outweighs how things actually were, and your partner just sees things how they actually are, that's a situation made for disaster and heartbreak. Very powerful...
destroyed4sho Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 barrbequman - Just curious, what excuse did she give to end it? Did she end up with the other guy she was texting?
cdt76 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 We hang on to the dream because we don't want to face the reality that is loneliness. Most of us search endlessly for that person who will love us back. When she leaves we have no one and nothing and therefore something must be wrong with us. So we cling on to the hope of her coming back to the dream, seeing things through the rose colored glasses because we are really good people who deserve to be loved and to love and if she did she would see that life wouldn't really be so bad. But for her or him life without you in it IS better ( or so they think). So they leave and leave you and they will in a very short amount of time stop remembering you and that for us is killer because we didn't matter enough to that person for them to love us unconditionally which is what we gave them. And so we hold on. We hope. We hurt. And eventually, eventually we say F it I'm moving on and we thrive. It's a long, tough road and maybe it never gets easy. But we go on. 2
Author BarbecueMan666 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 barrbequman - Just curious, what excuse did she give to end it? Did she end up with the other guy she was texting? Hmm, I didn't truly get much of a reason - around halloween she said she didn't see things working out - distance, being too busy etc, previous breakups. Later on things were going fine, as I started visiting her even more and supporting her even more. (went to her pageant in oregon, her opera in LA, and we went to our mutual friends wedding in portland oregon in the space of 3 months - that was my housemate and her friend the one that hooked us up that got married.) Before christmas, she visited me at a tournament in LA and stayed with me in a hotel a few nights - things were really good there until I got eliminated from the tournament - and then she was cold again. She asked me if I won would I pay off her credit card debt, I said sure. Anyhow Christmas came, she stayed for 2 weeks christmas - up until 2nd of january. On the 23rd or so I checked her phone the first time in history (she borrowed my phone to go out for GPS and buying me presents - her phone she dropped it in a toilet so I charged it up) - it turned on and there was a text from a friend of hers, who basically was telling her he loved her and cares for her etc. She told him she needs to break up with me - this was 1 week prior to her visiting me for christmas. Christmas came and went, New years also - things were ok, but not great, quite honestly she was pretty bitchy at this time and wasn't the same girl who was joyous and lovely (like at my tournament only 2 weeks prior) - and yeah, new years day came by, and she said pretty much the same reasons, she doesn't see things working, distance and busy and what have you. Was a weird talk - she asked me if I was happy with her, and I said not really no. And there and then we broke up. It wasn't the guy she was texting 100% - though the day after breakup they became friends on fb which was a sting. 1
adelia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Just wanted to send feel better hugs and thnks for the great advice
destroyed4sho Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Yeah, she was vague, not clear...no real closure. Same here. It takes us longer to get over it because we don't know what the real reason is.they just try to let us down easy or they don't have the courage to admit it. Well you seem like you are almost there!! All your hard work is paying off, thanks for the Dad quote..helps those that don't have father figures in our lives. Keep up the good work and the great posts.
Author BarbecueMan666 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Hehe, thanks for the feel better hugs . Yeah she was very vague, towards the end of our relationship she wasn't too open with me anyhow. I was always a very open speaker, if there was a problem I'd like to communicate and get through it, she was the exact opposite within that regard. Her father split from her biological mother for pretty much the same reason, she just wouldn't talk to him at all about anything. - I was battling against a hereditary problem I suppose. As for no closure being harder to get over, I don't truly believe that. Your partner says they want to end it, or don't want to be with you anymore, reason or not, Money, Attraction, no love anymore - would it make it easier to understand? The real thing you need to understand is, this person doesn't want to be with you anymore, doesn't really matter why. I came to understand that after a while, and yeah having no exact reason I definitely tortured myself for a while longer, but hey this was my first serious heartbreak Learnt quite a bit ^^. 1
cdt76 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 After going through this and one previous relationship, I've learned one thing about myself. I give too much of myself away in relationships. BBQ I think you hold back enough to not let her get to you. Maybe you realized early on that it would not work out and so you protected your heart knowing an end was coming and the reason for the end is irrelevant. For myself, I saw the red flags and proceeded heart first anyway, hoping to prove my worthiness. The difference between this break up and the first is that I had no walls the first go round. The walls remain and are firmly in place. I've retreated behind them momentarily to let the anger subside. I think this is where you are so much better at this dating thing than I. You obviously have way more experience at then me even though we are 20 years apart in age. I have a lot to learn from you.
marklarsson Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 you are definitely right about getting over it if you let yourself. i have only been in 3 serious relationship because i am quite promiscuous but the first two relationships even tho i did love them i was very fine with the break up. the reason behind this because my personal life was fine before the break up i had no other issues i was really concerned about everything else was going fine. but my most recent break up. i was unable to cope with, this is because before the break up happened i was in a mild state of depression because i had lost my job etc... so when it happened it was more like oh this is one more bad thing happening in my life. and i fought so hard to get her back because of this and also because i loved her so much and i thought she will help me through it as i would for her. all these things of how could she leave me at a time like this etc... mande it difficult. but it also became a wake up call that i had to get siht together. and now even though i would still want her back etc... i am coping very well with it the same way i did with my other relationship. so it is very much a mental thing. im trying not to go back to my premiscuous lifestyle after this. so soon anyway ill heal first rather than use that as a means of healing
Author BarbecueMan666 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 After going through this and one previous relationship, I've learned one thing about myself. I give too much of myself away in relationships. BBQ I think you hold back enough to not let her get to you. Maybe you realized early on that it would not work out and so you protected your heart knowing an end was coming and the reason for the end is irrelevant. For myself, I saw the red flags and proceeded heart first anyway, hoping to prove my worthiness. The difference between this break up and the first is that I had no walls the first go round. The walls remain and are firmly in place. I've retreated behind them momentarily to let the anger subside. I think this is where you are so much better at this dating thing than I. You obviously have way more experience at then me even though we are 20 years apart in age. I have a lot to learn from you. Hey there, I don't think I held back at all, I guess just in the last few months, I sensed things weren't quite 100%, which may have softened the blow, but I'm not going to pretend I wasn't broken - I spent weeks sobbing and made everyone around me know how miserable I was ^^ - Only recently started making headway. I made the same "errors" you did - I even got her an engagement ring near the end :S - never told her though. I've definitely learnt a lot about myself from this breakup - The phrase love can make or break a man is true, and even more true for me in the loss of love. As for experience, this was my first true relationship, but It really means a lot to me that you think I'm dealing with it this well .
MyAngel Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 This is a fantastic post and I thank you for writing it. I feel I could read it over and over. What really struck out to me was your comment about idealizing the relationship and the person, and the other person seeing it as it really is. I feel that this is what happened to me. Very eye opening and inspirational. 1
Author BarbecueMan666 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 Thank you - It's a roller coaster, with lots of bumps along the way, but everybody gets through it ^^. I'm personally having a bit of a tough time just today, I went out to drink last night and after the night was through ended up eating at just a sandwich place and the last time I went there, it was with my ex. I didn't know how I felt about it at first, but as I sat there with some of my friends, not close friends, I just felt very very lonely.
Ready36 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Great advice, would be really grateful for all your thoughts on my post! Thanks so much
Author BarbecueMan666 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 Which post would that be?
becks77 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Thank you - It's a roller coaster, with lots of bumps along the way, but everybody gets through it ^^. I'm personally having a bit of a tough time just today, I went out to drink last night and after the night was through ended up eating at just a sandwich place and the last time I went there, it was with my ex. I didn't know how I felt about it at first, but as I sat there with some of my friends, not close friends, I just felt very very lonely. Thanks for your post I feel your pain - I hate going somewhere that reminds me of my ex and try to avoid it but sometimes it's impossible - and like you said about 'a fork' reminding you of her, I find myself watching a film or hearing about a place and then thinking..'oh I saw that/went there with him...' Sucks. You'll be just fine though - it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and you can feel the pain but also talk about it intelligently. You're young and when the heartbreak fades you'll realise that you will love someone new with even more passion than you thought possible
Author BarbecueMan666 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 Thanks for your post I feel your pain - I hate going somewhere that reminds me of my ex and try to avoid it but sometimes it's impossible - and like you said about 'a fork' reminding you of her, I find myself watching a film or hearing about a place and then thinking..'oh I saw that/went there with him...' Sucks. You'll be just fine though - it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and you can feel the pain but also talk about it intelligently. You're young and when the heartbreak fades you'll realise that you will love someone new with even more passion than you thought possible Well thank you Yeah, I had a period of time where I went back to England to visit my family, visa stuff primarily, but I felt soooo rotten! - Absolutely everything reminded me of her and it was a terrible time. I know things are definitely getting better, as that was the lowest of the low - so witnessing progress is awesome, and definitely stops me from being a big mope ^^. I look forward to the day I can be with another woman and be truly happy. This was my first true relationship, and was my first for a lot of things which makes the understanding of certain things difficult, but in turn the amount I've learnt in such a short period of time has been phenomenal. I made the mistake of hooking up with a girl 2-3 weeks after the breakup, and without really thinking about the repercussions I felt dreadful. I thought "this'll be great for my mind mentally!" - I was so wrong ^^, I'm just going to take each day as it comes . 1
becks77 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I made the mistake of hooking up with a girl 2-3 weeks after the breakup, and without really thinking about the repercussions I felt dreadful. I thought "this'll be great for my mind mentally!" - I was so wrong ^^, I'm just going to take each day as it comes . I did the same - started dating a guy far too quickly - all I did was compare him to my ex and that never goes well...better to be alone and try to deal with all the things you have learnt about the break up etc - I have had to learn that the hard way! Sorry that you had a tough time when you came back to England - I'm a Londoner and I never want to hear that! hopefully next time you come you won't feel anything and you'll have a great time with someone new!
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