Thoroughly Perplexed

[In A Tizzy]

I'll share a little back ground first. I have been in this A for almost 4 yrs. It's a complicated one, since he's Married also. I had affairs before him. I wasn't happy in my marriage with no affection being shown to me, and rarely having sex in 20 yrs from day 1. So, at 20 yrs of marriage and and addressing this issue time after time, I warned him that if things didn't change I would find someone that would be attracted to me. So, I did a few times. Then found the current man on the internet. We have so much fun and he's been there for me emotionally, and somewhat sexually. That relationship is always up and down (which is to be expected, since there's no security in an A). My H is not there for me emotionally. I was sexually abused for 15 yrs and could not confide in my husband about it. He knows about it because of a breakdown I had in our first year of marriage. But because of a working relationship with my dad; I could not share any details. So, I turned to the OM, who has been amazing to have in my life. The OM and I have no plans on leaving our spouses for each other. We each love our spouses, even though we are not sexually attracted to them. But we've acknowledged that we will end the A and soon. (A little side note: the OM and I are off right now, and maybe for good).

 

Having said all that, this is where I'm having a hard time. I have so many different feelings about all of this. And even though I am happy to stay with my H; because we do have a great relationship and I do love him... I'm just not sexually attracted to him. I don't want to end the marriage because we have children; and I have friends that have ended their marriages and things aren't better on the other side, and are actually worse. I understand that there is no perfect marriage. But the sexual part of the marriage is major in every marriage. Also, although I have settled within myself that I want to end the A, I still want the OM as a friend and confidant. I know some would say that I should end it completely; and I can see why I should. However, he is the only one that I can confide in that doesn't know anyone in my life. I have gone to a Therapist; but I can't open up completely with her about everything. If the OM and I stop all communication in the future; then I'll deal with it and move on with my life without him.

 

My dilemma is, I want to stay in my marriage and it be a happy and fulfilled marriage; but I don't see myself ever being sexually attracted to my husband again. He doesn't know how I feel. I don't want to hurt him. He thinks we have a great marriage (even after I told him of an A I had 4 yrs ago). He's wanted to have more sex with me. He initiates it and I don't turn him down; I never would do that to him. I don't want him kissing or touching me, and I hate sex so much with him that I just want to scream, "get off of me!" I have a hard time having an orgasm and he knows it, but stays with it until I do. So, you wonder how I can go ahead and have sex with my husband even though I hate it? It's because I learned how to deal with it when I was being sexually abused. I felt like a prostitute doing her job. My H has been great and I feel so bad about everything I've done, am doing and how I feel about sex with him.

I don't know where to go from here with my husband. I won't talk to my husband about it, because he doesn't deserve to be hurt. He has a business to run and has his fingers in so many other areas. I know I can't leave but I keep going back to thinking that I should feel fulfilled in every area of my marriage with him or another man; but there is no guarantee that I could ever have a better marriage than I have now. He tells me that he is happy and fulfilled in our marriage, so I feel like I should keep my mouth shut and deal with this within myself. What it comes down to is, leaving isn't an option for me, so should I just stay and count my blessings, not ruffle any feathers and learn to be satisfied with what I have? All reply's... please try to be nice. I already know I'm a selfish woman.

[Pierre]

I'll share a little back ground first. I have been in this A for almost 4 yrs. It's a complicated one, since he's Married also. I had affairs before him. I wasn't happy in my marriage with no affection being shown to me, and rarely having sex in 20 yrs from day 1. So, at 20 yrs of marriage and and addressing this issue time after time, I warned him that if things didn't change I would find someone that would be attracted to me. So, I did a few times. Then found the current man on the internet. We have so much fun and he's been there for me emotionally, and somewhat sexually. That relationship is always up and down (which is to be expected, since there's no security in an A). My H is not there for me emotionally. I was sexually abused for 15 yrs and could not confide in my husband about it. He knows about it because of a breakdown I had in our first year of marriage. But because of a working relationship with my dad; I could not share any details. So, I turned to the OM, who has been amazing to have in my life. The OM and I have no plans on leaving our spouses for each other. We each love our spouses, even though we are not sexually attracted to them. But we've acknowledged that we will end the A and soon. (A little side note: the OM and I are off right now, and maybe for good).

 

Having said all that, this is where I'm having a hard time. I have so many different feelings about all of this. And even though I am happy to stay with my H; because we do have a great relationship and I do love him... I'm just not sexually attracted to him. I don't want to end the marriage because we have children; and I have friends that have ended their marriages and things aren't better on the other side, and are actually worse. I understand that there is no perfect marriage. But the sexual part of the marriage is major in every marriage. Also, although I have settled within myself that I want to end the A, I still want the OM as a friend and confidant. I know some would say that I should end it completely; and I can see why I should. However, he is the only one that I can confide in that doesn't know anyone in my life. I have gone to a Therapist; but I can't open up completely with her about everything. If the OM and I stop all communication in the future; then I'll deal with it and move on with my life without him.

 

My dilemma is, I want to stay in my marriage and it be a happy and fulfilled marriage; but I don't see myself ever being sexually attracted to my husband again. He doesn't know how I feel. I don't want to hurt him. He thinks we have a great marriage (even after I told him of an A I had 4 yrs ago). He's wanted to have more sex with me. He initiates it and I don't turn him down; I never would do that to him. I don't want him kissing or touching me, and I hate sex so much with him that I just want to scream, "get off of me!" I have a hard time having an orgasm and he knows it, but stays with it until I do. So, you wonder how I can go ahead and have sex with my husband even though I hate it? It's because I learned how to deal with it when I was being sexually abused. I felt like a prostitute doing her job. My H has been great and I feel so bad about everything I've done, am doing and how I feel about sex with him.

I don't know where to go from here with my husband. I won't talk to my husband about it, because he doesn't deserve to be hurt. He has a business to run and has his fingers in so many other areas. I know I can't leave but I keep going back to thinking that I should feel fulfilled in every area of my marriage with him or another man; but there is no guarantee that I could ever have a better marriage than I have now. He tells me that he is happy and fulfilled in our marriage, so I feel like I should keep my mouth shut and deal with this within myself. What it comes down to is, leaving isn't an option for me, so should I just stay and count my blessings, not ruffle any feathers and learn to be satisfied with what I have? All reply's... please try to be nice. I already know I'm a selfish woman.

 

 

This is the same old story. Different facts, same theme.

 

You want your H to make you happy.

 

OTOH, your H is intrinsically happy.

 

Big difference, your happiness require massive external validation.

 

The happiness of your H is intrinsic and not dependent on external validation.

 

 

Men like your H never cheat because he is a happy man.

 

You are an unhappy woman and therefore have a need to cheat.

 

 

Please seek counseling. No MAN in the planet can make another woman happy 24/7. And you are correct! The chances of you finding someone better than your H are close to zero.

 

See someone regarding your aversion for sex.

[jwi71]

Why on Earth do you want to stay in a M where your spouse is emotionally absent (your words) and you don't want to have sex with him (your words).

 

I'd suggest IC but you went - or possibly still are going - but lied.

 

I would urge IC...but you went or are currently going - and lying to him/her.

 

At each pivot of your story, the one actor constant is YOU.

 

If you are tired of your life being as it is - change it. No one but YOU is preventing it.

 

SO...I would, as a first step, quit your IC and find another. At this new IC tell no lies, omit no truths, run away no more.

 

Or not. Its your life. Your choice.

 

...but how does anything get better without changing <something>?

[whichwayisup]

Your husband has the right to choose what he wants, just like you are. You love him, want to stay married, have the benefits of having him in your life, minus the bedroom stuff and you want an OM on the side to fulfill your needs sexually. Fine, just TELL your husband this so HE can decide if he is okay with this. Discuss open marriage. Why should you have sex on the side and not him? otherwise, you have sex and he doesn't - He's unhappy and you're happy.

 

Or, just divorce so you both can find a person who can fulfill both needs and not cheat. What you're doing IS selfish and cruel. Eventually your H will find out the truth..The truth eventually comes out.

[In A Tizzy]

Your husband has the right to choose what he wants, just like you are. You love him, want to stay married, have the benefits of having him in your life, minus the bedroom stuff and you want an OM on the side to fulfill your needs sexually. Fine, just TELL your husband this so HE can decide if he is okay with this. Discuss open marriage. Why should you have sex on the side and not him? otherwise, you have sex and he doesn't - He's unhappy and you're happy.

 

Or, just divorce so you both can find a person who can fulfill both needs and not cheat. What you're doing IS selfish and cruel. Eventually your H will find out the truth..The truth eventually comes out.

I wish it were easy to go ahead and tell my husband that I don't want sex; but I just can't. Therefore, I will have sex with him. An open marriage is not an option with him. He would never be open to that; he's not that type of man. I'm actually the one that is unhappy and he is happy... so he tells me.

As far as me having sex on the side, I was with the OM a year ago and no one since. I actually would rather not have sex at all with OM... the sex is not worth the guilt of feeling like a cheater. I want to fix my marriage, I want to want my husband. I realize I have to make some kind of a move. Just not sure which path to choose.

 

I really should go back to my Therapist... everyone is right about that.