Trying to find answers for visitation and how to handle the other women with baby

[twixmix]

Today 3 years ago my brother-in-law came and picked us up to help me leave my cheating ex-husband while I was 8 months pregnant and to move closer to my family. A lot of feelings are coming back up and I can’t believe how much has happened in these 3 years! We have a 3 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. My ex never wanted us to come back, he had moved his girlfriend into the house right after we left and when my son was 7 months old she got pregnant and they have a girl now. Before we only had phone calls once a week since they were so little but now I have told him he can call whenever he would like but he maybe calls them once a week. I asked if he could help me with paying for internet so he can Skype with them, his response was that I have a job and I can pay for it myself.

 

I do have a job but after daycare, rent, car payment, phone bill, food there is not much left for us to live off of! Now he hasn’t paid his share for daycare in two weeks and the daycare told me that I had till noon to pay $480 or the kids could not attend till it was paid off. His response was, well I don’t have the money because I have to pay my bills that are past due. He was laid off of work for 2 weeks and paid child support 10 days late because of that. I had to reapply for food stamps and the kid’s health insurance and all he had to do was fax them a document and he never did. His response to that was, well I told you a year ago they could be on my health plan! He works crazy hours and wants the kids to come see him because traveling is too expensive for him.

But who is going to watch my children? His girlfriend that also has to take care of a 2 year old? Yeah that’s going to work out very well to watch a 2, 3 and 4 year old when you are only use to watching one child, your child! I never met her but spoke to her many times on the phone when I found out he was cheating on me. She told me she was happy and he treated her better than her last boyfriend? What does that even mean? You know a man is married and has 2 children and yet you think its ok to have an affair with this man because he treats you better than your last one did? Still makes me scratch my head and thank god that he had found his match lol she had asked me if I needed any clothes for my children because her daughters are to big that she got for her birthday and that she hopes we can work something out so that our children grow up as brothers and sisters.We live 5 states away and my children don’t even know their father. When the time is right I will tell them that they have a sister, but I won’t go out of my way to play happy family with them. My kids can make that decision on their own if they want that bond with the sibling I won’t ever stop them from that. I have a half sibling myself but it was different.

 

My father had adopted my sister before I was even born so I grew up with her. What am I going to tell me children when they find out that their father had left just to have another baby with the women he cheated on me with? What do I tell them when they ask me why he is there for our sister but was not there for us? Why didn’t we have daddy around when we were little? I have been in a relationship for over a year now. My children call him by his name even so he is like a father to them; I think my son thinks he is his father.

My ex is coming down next month with his parents. He was supposed to stay 2 weeks but is only staying a week like his parents. He hasn’t seen them in over a year and I wished he would come down more often to actually build a relationship with his children before even considering in having them at his place that is far away. Our daughter is very sensitive about things. Instead of I love you she would always say I miss you mommy even when I was right next to her lol and I would try to explain to her that I miss you when you haven’t seen someone for a while. She threw her hands on her face and started crying, telling me that she didn’t want to have anyone leave her. It broke my heart because even if she was only 15 months when we had left I know deep down she always knew someone was missing.

 

So here I am trying to make my ex understand that a 3 and 4 year old that have no relationship with him are too young to come see him miles away from home. That we should take it step by step and have him build this relationship first if he decides to and see how comfortable the children are with everything. The longest they have ever been away from me was 3 days.

 

Now that you kind of know on what has been going on maybe some of you can give me some advice with this situation. How to set up the right visitation plan and how to handle mediation? If your ex had an affair and decided to stay with her and got her pregnant while married or after how did you handle it with your children?

 

I am happy where I am at right now in life, I am happy that my children are happy and I am happy that I have found love again after my divorce but I have so much anger towards this man for putting this much burden on us. I am so sorry that the post ended up this long, but like I said today it has been 3 years since our life’s have changed.

 

Thank you to everyone who read this looooong post and thank you to those who might have answers for me!

Edited February 21, 2013 by twixmix

[2sure]

If he is court ordered to pay child support and half of day care and or health insurance - the payments should be coming right out of his paychecks or unemployment checks automatically and deposited to you.

It shouldnt be up to him to decide when and if he is going to pay.

If that is the case and your deposit was late because unemployment was catching up, there isnt much you can do about that.

 

Regarding visits - I wouldnt send my kids to someone that uninterested unless I had to via a court order. And he doesnt sound interested enough to go to court to get any kind of custody or visitation on his own.

 

Your kids will be fine as long as you are stable, as hard as I know it sometimes is to be so. The best you can do until they are much older is yact like any other divorced family. You dont need to make excuses for him to them.

[BetrayedH]

What did the court order for custody and visitation? I'm guessing you got full custody without any court-ordered visitation.

 

I would stick by the court guidelines and if you're going to go beyond them, it's on your terms and he earns it. Failing to pay child support is not earning it. Snappy comments for you when he's being offered an opportunity to Skype? Not earning it.

 

I'm a big proponent of father's rights but the last thing I would do is send your kids out of state to be with your cheating ex douchebag and his OW anytime in the near future. If he wants to be near his kids, he can earn that privilege in an appropriate fashion. Right now he's not even close. You set the rules.