davidtanti Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 My girlfriend (she 23) and I (me 30) broke up on Aug 12th and I feel like I can't go on with out her. We dated for about 1 year and were engaged. (she just asked me to re-propose to her at the Eric Clapton concert we went to weeks earlier and I did.) (We talked about what we were going to name out first kid 2 days before we broke up) She has a 2 year old girl whom I love very much that would call me daddy. (the girls real father is a drug addict whom seldomly saw the her) My ex and I would fight about stupid stuff and plenty of times I wanted to break it off with her but she begged me to stay and out of love, I did. We would be going great for a few weeks then start fighting again. Usually about the same stuff. Most of the fighting started when I started working. I have panic attacks and never worked before in my life. I am 30 years old and working was causing me a great deal of stress. When we would fight I would get so angry at her stubornness (and I'm sure I was stubborn also) that I would be verbally abusive to her. (only verbally abusive when we fought, never any time other than when fighting) (I never phyically hurt her ever) - (I was raised in a very verbally and phyically abusive home.) I would say stuff to her that I did not mean what so ever...sometimes very cruel things. Then an hour later apologize and tell her I did not mean any of it. Well, we got into our last fight and I told her that I wanted to call it off with her. I went as far as to rip up all the nice cards she gave me. I lasted one day and night without her and felt like a peice of myself died. I called her back and begged her to get back with her but she told me that a "switch in my head turned off and I no longer love you!" I told her that I was going to go to anger managment classes so that when we fought I would not call her names and be verbally abusive anymore, but she still didnt think it was going to work out. (I start my classes and therapy on Sept.3rd) I also increased my anti-depressant/anxienty medication that I was taking by almost double. I am completely devastated. We had everything in common. I called her back a week after the break up just to see if she had cooled down and she still told me she did not love me anymore and was VERY cold to me. She didnt want to talk to me again. I just sent her a letter in the mail (cause I'm sure she doesnt want me calling her) telling her how sorry I was for the verbal abuse and I know she must of felt unloved, unsure and unappreciated and that I don't blame her for not wanting to stick around. I ended the letter by telling her she meant the world to me and if she needed anything she could just ask. Now that I got my story out, I need to know how to get the broken record of her image, voice, kindness and everything else out of my mind. It is causing me to relapse into my anxiety state that caused me to not work in the first place. I am barely hanging on and am having thoughts of suicide. ( I don't think I will act on them but they pop in my mind.) How do you get over someone after you know that you pretty much screwed things up?!?!?!??! Also, my ex did a lot of things that did not fly by me... She was jealous of my friends, did not like my family (my family did nothing to her but treat her like a part of the family, she was caught in white lies with me, she told lies to her family, etc... What I'm trying to say is that she was no angel by far. I just wanted us to both go to couseling and work things out, but she doesnt see any future together. thanks, David
uriel Posted September 1, 2004 Posted September 1, 2004 There's no easy way to get over this. You're going to need to process what happened -- come to a realistic understanding of what you contributed and what she contributed to a relationship that wasn't working (not for her, at least). You're also going to need to fill your life up with other positive things, to help take some of the energy and focus off of her and place them into activities, interests, and relationships that help you to grow. I assume you're in counseling for the anxiety and depression. Keep working through to the root of that fear and sadness. If part of the problem is having faith in yourself, you might be especially careful about not laying all the blame for what's happened at your own door. Yes, being emotionally / verbally abusive is awful. You know how much it damaged you growing up. But, you weren't just abusive. You were also loving. You were also accepting. You've demonstrated those qualities in your letter to her. -- uriel
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