Manu83 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and things are great; he's kind to me, very attentive, caring and funny and always tells me he loves me. The only problem being...I have a high sex drive and for the past year and a half, he hardly has any. When we first started seeing eachother, the sex was amazing and we would do it everytime we saw eachother - 3 times a week or so. Then it slowly started getting less and less. Recently we have both been busy with work so we're lucky if we get to see eachother once a week. This makes me even hornier when I see him...but whenever we get in bed, he kisses me goodnight, tells me he loves me and that's it! I am crazy for him but I'm not sure he feels the same way. I have bought this issue up and he says it's him not me and that he's stressed out because he's not where he wants to be right now career-wise and also he's been a bit stressed about the fact I want this to be a long term relationship that is likely to lead to marriage whereas he's not sure. I explained to him I was aware he wasn't into marriage and I put no pressure on him regarding this. Also, with his worries about his career, I'm always there to support him, advise him and be there for him emtionally whenever he wants it. All I ask of him is to have sex with me! I understand when men get stressed, their sex drive dwindles, but I am seriously getting frustrated and he knows it. The other night he asked me if it made me unhappy, I answered yes. Uuuuuuum, seriously, is he really asking me that?? Then he asks me what we can do about it...I told him I didn't want to break up with him and he felt the same but I'm at a loss at to what I should do. I do feel there is more to the relationship than sex hence the reason I'm staying with him but the idea of no sex for the duration of this relationship just depresses me. Any thoughts people? I would really appreciate your help.
MidwestUSA Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 The very fact that he asked if it made you unhappy, followed by "what can we do about it?" is a positive sign. Is he willing to openly discuss options? Can you do it calmly? Doesn't sound as if all is lost, good luck! 1
laaddict Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 He's not sure if he wants to be in a long term relationship with you? wow.... I dont know what to say 2
NiceGuyDTW Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and things are great; he's kind to me, very attentive, caring and funny and always tells me he loves me. The only problem being...I have a high sex drive and for the past year and a half, he hardly has any. When we first started seeing eachother, the sex was amazing and we would do it everytime we saw eachother - 3 times a week or so. Then it slowly started getting less and less. Recently we have both been busy with work so we're lucky if we get to see eachother once a week. This makes me even hornier when I see him...but whenever we get in bed, he kisses me goodnight, tells me he loves me and that's it! I am crazy for him but I'm not sure he feels the same way. I have bought this issue up and he says it's him not me and that he's stressed out because he's not where he wants to be right now career-wise and also he's been a bit stressed about the fact I want this to be a long term relationship that is likely to lead to marriage whereas he's not sure. I explained to him I was aware he wasn't into marriage and I put no pressure on him regarding this. Also, with his worries about his career, I'm always there to support him, advise him and be there for him emtionally whenever he wants it. All I ask of him is to have sex with me! I understand when men get stressed, their sex drive dwindles, but I am seriously getting frustrated and he knows it. The other night he asked me if it made me unhappy, I answered yes. Uuuuuuum, seriously, is he really asking me that?? Then he asks me what we can do about it...I told him I didn't want to break up with him and he felt the same but I'm at a loss at to what I should do. I do feel there is more to the relationship than sex hence the reason I'm staying with him but the idea of no sex for the duration of this relationship just depresses me. Any thoughts people? I would really appreciate your help. This post is very near and dear to me cuz it's one of the reasons why my marriage ended. My advice is communication, and sounds like you have started to talk about it. In terms of how to fix it..I would say that you guys need to get away from your regular routine. Plan a weekend getaway...doesn't need to be expensive. Or better yet, for a week. Basically, the idea is to break up the monotony. This should help him focus his thoughts on you, and not his job or the stress. You need to inject some passion back, and do things that are not routine together. Best of luck...you sound like a great GF...he's lucky to have you.
iKING Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 It may or may not have little to do with you, men do get insecure, have medical issues, lack of labito, etc. It is a good sign that he's questioning the results of his actions (or lack thereof), but it is advisable to be as truthful about the circumstance as possible. Refrain from pressure as this may further broaden tension if there is any. Many things in life are temporary, my suggestion would be to be as cool and comfortable about it to avoid exaggerating whatever issue there may be, while also still pursuing it. Maybe try some non-clothed cuddle time "just for fun", it might spark things. Sounds passive-aggressive, but Isaac newton's law of relativity can apply to human interaction in conflict, big or small.
Treasa Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I was in a relationship like that. It lasted six years, never turned into marriage, and we almost never had sex. Reflecting back on it, I am SO GLAD it ended. I don't want to be with someone who is basically my friend/roommate. I get that people get stressed, but it's pretty easy to go through life always being stressed about something. Either he needs to get his priorities straight, or you should consider moving on. If I were you, I wouldn't tell him I'm not going to break up with him. If you reassure him, he has no reason to change. If he's really so stressed that he hasn't wanted to have sex for a year and a half, I assume he's seeing a counselor and/or a doctor? If not, then I think it's an excuse. One of my dealbreakers is a guy who doesn't want to have sex. I am never doing that to myself again. Also, I personally don't care about marriage that much, but should that ever change, I refuse to be with a guy who doesn't want to marry me. I just think two people should really be on the same page about important things, and if one person really wants to get married and the other doesn't, that's an important thing.
Author Manu83 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Thank you all for the advice...reallly appreciate this. I believe my boyfriend and I have a relationship strong enough to disucss this openly, we always do dicuss our issues...sometimes it gets heated sometimes it can be calm. We discussed this issue last night when he asked me what can we do about it which did make me feel better, however five minutes later he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore as we're just always going round in circles. The joke of it is, we are a very very touchy feely couple..our friends are always telling us to "get a room" etc...how ironic.... We've had special weekends away and he still just seems to kiss me goodnight then goes to sleep, spooning me... Oh god! Aaaaaaargh! The only time I seemed to get it nearly everyday is when we went away on holiday for 12 days - nearly everynight we had sex. I feel as though I know what I am going to do...I'm going to stay in this relationship because I value him as a person more than I do sex, however that's also pretty frustrating as I love him so much, I want to connect with him on a physical level more than ever.
iKING Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Thank you all for the advice...reallly appreciate this. I believe my boyfriend and I have a relationship strong enough to disucss this openly, we always do dicuss our issues...sometimes it gets heated sometimes it can be calm. We discussed this issue last night when he asked me what can we do about it which did make me feel better, however five minutes later he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore as we're just always going round in circles. The joke of it is, we are a very very touchy feely couple..our friends are always telling us to "get a room" etc...how ironic.... We've had special weekends away and he still just seems to kiss me goodnight then goes to sleep, spooning me... Oh god! Aaaaaaargh! The only time I seemed to get it nearly everyday is when we went away on holiday for 12 days - nearly everynight we had sex. I feel as though I know what I am going to do...I'm going to stay in this relationship because I value him as a person more than I do sex, however that's also pretty frustrating as I love him so much, I want to connect with him on a physical level more than ever. There has to be some underlying issue, but there's so many possibilities that it'd be tricky to guess without knowing them personally. If it persists it could be a problem, sex is important to the bonding of couples (gotta love oxytocin and dopamine!), but if It's just a phase it'll kick-start again with a little spark. It would thoroughly suck to be in a longtime sexless relationship I can imagine, but it could be just a phase. Don't let it go on forever though for sure. That's just torture.
JennaMax Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 from experience, I can tell you that a girl with a higher sex drive than a guy always drains the guy? can't quite pinpoint why but this has happened to me and it seems that over time, guys tend to get put off since guys prefer to be the hunters and not the pray, you know? Give him a chance to initiate and you'll see improvement. Also, I suggest getting a dildo and using it daily, if haven't got one already.
iKING Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 from experience, I can tell you that a girl with a higher sex drive than a guy always drains the guy? can't quite pinpoint why but this has happened to me and it seems that over time, guys tend to get put off since guys prefer to be the hunters and not the pray, you know? Give him a chance to initiate and you'll see improvement. Also, I suggest getting a dildo and using it daily, if haven't got one already. Sounds like awesome to me! Just find a guy that can keep up. In all seriousness, not all guys are like that. The dildo suggestion is a good one, could help you get through some rough times and help you find the good spot! Sounds pretty win-win.
Author Manu83 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 I pleasure myself everyday! Like I said, I have a high sex drive. I just REALLY love and crave my boyfriend's touch. I think I'm just going to not mention it for now and see how it goes. I don't want to pressure him as that may make things worse.
oldschool1 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 That's stressful, Manu. If it were a temporary loss of sex drive, that would be one thing. But, this issue has plagued you for three fourths of your relationship. In conjunction with his lack of interest in marriage/longterm relationship, it's not a wonderful sign. It almost sounds like he views you as a sister or close friend. Some people get excited sexually for a honeymoon period and then lose their mojo when they sink back into the realities of life. Still, they don't usually turn off entirely unless their feelings have changed. Being in the right headspace for marriage really matters to (most) men. If they feel like their careers aren't proceeding at the right pace, then it's difficult for them to hop on the marriage train. I agree that your boyfriend's desire to improve the situation is encouraging, but it's hard to know what's in his head. How old are you guys?
Author Manu83 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 We are both 29. My boyfriend has never been interested in marriage and I have never put any pressure on him regarding this...to be honest, I don't know what I want. Another thing is he's REALLY affectionate, constantly kissing and cuddling me. But it's always pecks...he's always been like this. I crave long passionate kisses (or as we say here, a SNOG!)
oldschool1 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Manu, you're not inappropriately young for marriage, so I am wondering what it is you desire from this man. 2 years is a fairly long relationship. You might not know what's going on inside his mind, but you can certainly pick your own brain. Let's assume for a second that this is your reality: occasional sex, a dearth of snogging but tons of cuddling and sweetness for the foreseeable future. Would this be a satisfying scenario longterm? And, what do you think about marriage and kids? Perhaps figuring out your own situation will help you make the next move. When I was 27, I married the guy I had been with for four years. I wasn't thinking about marriage at the time, nor did I get excited when he asked me. Bad sign! While I attributed my apathy to a lacking marriage gene, I now know that I simply didn't want to marry HIM. I am not suggesting that this is analogous to your situation, but it's a great idea to consider your own hopes and dreams.
Goldenbrwn Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I've been in this situation as the guy with a girlfriend that had a higher sex drive. Everyone is different but here are a few things that could help. 1.If you usually go to bed naked stop doing that and put on some sexy/comfortable nightwear....but when you do this don't try to initiate sex and dont expect to have sex. 2. Try to limit the amount that he gets to see you naked for a while. 3. There are some natural supplements that increase testosterone if he gives those a try it can increase his sex drive a lot. 4. Since you said you guys are already very touchy feely you might try scaling back on it slowly so he can build up more anticipation.
Els Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 The only time I seemed to get it nearly everyday is when we went away on holiday for 12 days - nearly everynight we had sex. I feel as though I know what I am going to do...I'm going to stay in this relationship because I value him as a person more than I do sex, however that's also pretty frustrating as I love him so much, I want to connect with him on a physical level more than ever. I think this is pretty strong indication that he's telling the truth - the issue isn't that he has an incompatible sex drive inherently, or that he's not attracted to you, or that he sees you as a roommate. When he's away from work he wants to have sex everyday - so he's probably right in that work is the issue. On the other hand, you do also have the right to get your own needs met, and it's best that you sort this out before the two of you get your lives any deeper entwined - moving in, or marriage, etc. Is the work stress a temporary thing? Does he know how to manage the stress? How often do the two of you have sex when not on holiday?
CryForNoOne Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I think it's only one of two possibilities. Either: - He doesn't see you as his future spouse and is exhibiting classic passive aggressive behavior - low libido, expressing doubts about long term, but staying in the relationship because it is safe and stable. That is a recipe for long term disaster and you should end it now before it gets worse. or - He has a low libido and is insecure about it. Move the conversation to a safe comfortable place for him to open up about it. If you can, it will make your relationship stronger than ever. Either way you need to talk to him about it at a deeply emotional level that may be uncomfortable for both of you, but you need to know the reason for the low sex drive. 2
CryForNoOne Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I think this is pretty strong indication that he's telling the truth - the issue isn't that he has an incompatible sex drive inherently, or that he's not attracted to you, or that he sees you as a roommate. When he's away from work he wants to have sex everyday - so he's probably right in that work is the issue. On the other hand, you do also have the right to get your own needs met, and it's best that you sort this out before the two of you get your lives any deeper entwined - moving in, or marriage, etc. Is the work stress a temporary thing? Does he know how to manage the stress? How often do the two of you have sex when not on holiday? I got to say as a guy, I don't get that at all. If I have a stressful day at work, nothing calms me better than some good sex. Most guys I know would concur. I mean seriously guys are all about sex.
Els Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 I got to say as a guy, I don't get that at all. If I have a stressful day at work, nothing calms me better than some good sex. Most guys I know would concur. I mean seriously guys are all about sex. How many hours a week do you work and what do you work as?
runningfar Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Having been there, it's happier when you have compatible sex drives. I have a very high libido and its hard to feel you're having to try so hard to get your boyfriend to have sex with you. I felt like there was something wrong with me. My boyfriend now, every day we're together, at least once. And he says in his previous long term relationship where they lived together, they kept up most days of the week. I am happy looking forward. If this were temporary, that's one thing... But 18 out of 24 months? He can't handle the stress as a rule... Can you endure that indefinitely? I could not.
truth_seeker Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 He's not into you anymore. That love, lust feeling is gone. He likes you as a girlfriend, but he's not going to marry you. I think you should leave him before he leaves you first. 2
kimberlydoll Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 . I mean seriously guys are all about sex. Bookmarking this page, because when I state that on here I get called all sorts of names. This is the true essence of a man's nature and most people cant handle the truth here!
CryForNoOne Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 How many hours a week do you work and what do you work as? I own my own business (50-60 hours per week) and my main social/dating network is through my band. I don't need much sleep 4-6 hours so that helps a lot. I have tons of stress at my work, but it's business owner stress, not "I'm trapped in a job I hate" stress or anything like that. Don't know if that makes a diff.
CryForNoOne Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 Bookmarking this page, because when I state that on here I get called all sorts of names. This is the true essence of a man's nature and most people cant handle the truth here! So of course it depends on the context but I'd generally break it down as follows: SOME men think about sex all the time and have sex all the time either because they are in a great relationship of they are cheaters/players etc... MOST men think about sex all the time and have sex not as often as they want because they find their partner less attractive than their dream girl or they can't get a date. This subset is why porn is such a MASSIVE industry. A FEW men don't think about sex all the time because they are the very rare low libido type or they're totally shut down / in denial and developed some massive insecurity about impotence, poor performance, or are in a dead relationship (or none at all). BTW Thinking about it all the time doesn't mean we're all animals. Self restraint is what makes us sentient beings.
kimberlydoll Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 So of course it depends on the context but I'd generally break it down as follows: SOME men think about sex all the time and have sex all the time either because they are in a great relationship of they are cheaters/players etc... MOST men think about sex all the time and have sex not as often as they want because they find their partner less attractive than their dream girl or they can't get a date. This subset is why porn is such a MASSIVE industry. A FEW men don't think about sex all the time because they are the very rare low libido type or they're totally shut down / in denial and developed some massive insecurity about impotence, poor performance, or are in a dead relationship (or none at all). BTW Thinking about it all the time doesn't mean we're all animals. Self restraint is what makes us sentient beings. Thank you for putting into words what I have been generally feeling about men for awhile. And its coming from a man himself.
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