For MM only - How did you really feel for your OW inside and outside the A

February 21, 2013

Ive been reading these boards for a long time now and most of you know my story and the sorry state I am in just now, this thread has nothing to do with that but something I have wondered for a long time.

The BS and OW on these boards tend to answer for you and we dont really get much input from the MM (realist and cali the exception ofcourse)

Is it all fantasy in your head ? Did you truly love your OW and why ? what was different ? After D-Day or when you broke up do you still love them even though you told your BS you never ? Was it money and children that kept you in your marriage ? Were you truly conflicted ? Did you love both your loving wife and you OW ?

I do not mean to upset anyone by asking these questions and please do not make this thread another slagging match between BS and OW its getting really boring now.

(Pierre remember to keep ur knickers untwisted, I am not interested in going back with exMM just random questions for all OW and BS in the world wide web of A)

Edited February 21, 2013 by TheOW

February 21, 2013

I believe my thoughts on these questions are pretty well known, but it would be interesting to hear other takes.

February 21, 2013

You ask Q's that have NO answer - at least not any one can make sense of.

Each MM that answers will be unique. Some will truly love the OW. Others may only love her horizontally. And everything in between.

Some MM may stay M because of fear - or they truly love the W. Again...all who answer will be unique and as such you will find no meaning here.

You can't apply any of this to YOU or your xMM. If you want to know - ask him.

Ultimately, these Q's, however human, do you no good for now. You are far better off looking forward than trying to analyze/justify/rationalize this mess NOW. Do that later. If its possible - I can certainly understand WHY you ask.

Not helpful Q's for you at this point in time.

Less worry of the "role" you and this A played in HIS life and more worry about your tomorrow.

February 21, 2013

You ask Q's that have NO answer - at least not any one can make sense of.

Each MM that answers will be unique. Some will truly love the OW. Others may only love her horizontally. And everything in between.

Some MM may stay M because of fear - or they truly love the W. Again...all who answer will be unique and as such you will find no meaning here.

You can't apply any of this to YOU or your xMM. If you want to know - ask him.

Ultimately, these Q's, however human, do you no good for now. You are far better off looking forward than trying to analyze/justify/rationalize this mess NOW. Do that later. If its possible - I can certainly understand WHY you ask.

Not helpful Q's for you at this point in time.

Less worry of the "role" you and this A played in HIS life and more worry about your tomorrow.

Jw this is not for me regardless of what you think, I know what xMM thinks of me and how it was between us. So please dont turn this thread round on me because thats not what it is about.

These are questions for all MM in every type situation, I think it would be good to hear different scenarios as we dont get much input because all the bickering puts many posters off from voicing their own opinions and situations.

February 21, 2013

Ive been reading these boards for a long time now and most of you know my story and the sorry state I am in just now, this thread has nothing to do with that but something I have wondered for a long time.

The BS and OW on these boards tend to answer for you and we dont really get much input from the MM (realist and cali the exception ofcourse)

Is it all fantasy in your head ? Did you truly love your OW and why ? what was different ? After D-Day or when you broke up do you still love them even though you told your BS you never ? Was it money and children that kept you in your marriage ? Were you truly conflicted ? Did you love both your loving wife and you OW ?

I do not mean to upset anyone by asking these questions and please do not make this thread another slagging match between BS and OW its getting really boring now.

(Pierre remember to keep ur knickers untwisted, I am not interested in going back with exMM just random questions for all OW and BS in the world wide web of A)

OW

Very pertinent questions you are asking at this time. Since I am not a MM I cannot answer you.....but.....You need to go through ALL OF THE EMOTIONS/MOTIONS to get to the other side.

I always knew xMM loved his family more than me. I was just the chick on the side....if you get my drift.

He would NEVER hurt his kids or his wife for that matter by leaving them. He is their protector. I did respect him for that but also hated him in the same instance. He could compartmentalize VERY WELL. Say Narcissistic.

There were times in the long affair that I wished she found out...but to this day she never did. I had wanted to let her know so many times, not for him to leave but for her to make a decision regarding HER life.

After many years and getting to know him....I REALLY DID NOT want him anymore. She can have him. Did not want a man who could cheat on his wife and then think he was a "Good Father". PULEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

February 21, 2013

OW

Very pertinent questions you are asking at this time. Since I am not a MM I cannot answer you.....but.....You need to go through ALL OF THE EMOTIONS/MOTIONS to get to the other side.

I always knew xMM loved his family more than me. I was just the chick on the side....if you get my drift.

He would NEVER hurt his kids or his wife for that matter by leaving them. He is their protector. I did respect him for that but also hated him in the same instance. He could compartmentalize VERY WELL. Say Narcissistic.

There were times in the long affair that I wished she found out...but to this day she never did. I had wanted to let her know so many times, not for him to leave but for her to make a decision regarding HER life.

After many years and getting to know him....I REALLY DID NOT want him anymore. She can have him. Did not want a man who could cheat on his wife and then think he was a "Good Father". PULEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Aaaaaaaargh

These are not questions for me !! I knew the score with me and xMM I know he loved me I never really debated that but I also knew it would not work between us I am 20 yrs his junior it wouldnt/couldnt work as much as i liked to believe sometimes. He loved(s) his wife but another part of him loved me, in or out the A he did genuinely have very strong feelings for me.

This thread is for everyone but more so MM and their unique situations.

February 21, 2013

Aaaaaaaargh

These are not questions for me !! I knew the score with me and xMM I know he loved me I never really debated that but I also knew it would not work between us I am 20 yrs his junior it wouldnt/couldnt work as much as i liked to believe sometimes. He loved(s) his wife but another part of him loved me, in or out the A he did genuinely have very strong feelings for me.

This thread is for everyone but more so MM and their unique situations.

Similar situations you and I are/were in.

I was married to a man 16 years my senior. In the beginning when we were both younger it seemed to be ok. Then age and life definitely got in the way. We lost a child (8) years old UNEXPECTEDLY and things just went downhill from there. But he is 67 years old today I am in my early fifties. It would have never worked due to the generation gap! I wanted to live and go places and have fun and do things...his age caught up to him rather quickly.

xMM was 8 years younger than I...and it worked perfectly. or so I thought.

I think xmm liked the IDEA of me....do I think he loved me? in his way.

February 21, 2013

I think xmm liked the IDEA of me....do I think he loved me? in his way.

I do hope some MM chime in on this - but ultimately agree w Lost - xMM loved me, yes, but he really and truly loved the IDEA of me...what I represented, what I gave to him, etc.

February 21, 2013

I do hope some MM chime in on this - but ultimately agree w Lost - xMM loved me, yes, but he really and truly loved the IDEA of me...what I represented, what I gave to him, etc.

Yes Fallen.....

I was everything his wife wasn't...A WOMAN!

A WOMAN who knew how to please and treat a Man, inside the bedroom and out! He loved having me on his arm, loved taking me places, did not mind spending money on me, we did things together that he NEVER did with his wife of 15 years.. and the most important part...WHAT I GAVE TO HIM!!!!!!

Thanks Fallen....you described that perfectly.

I do miss him Some days....but not as much as before. Have learned to live with the fact that he is not in my life anymore.

February 21, 2013

Jw this is not for me regardless of what you think, I know what xMM thinks of me and how it was between us. So please dont turn this thread round on me because thats not what it is about.

These are questions for all MM in every type situation, I think it would be good to hear different scenarios as we dont get much input because all the bickering puts many posters off from voicing their own opinions and situations.

Well then simply read LS and you can read all the stories and perspectives - there are literally thousands. They will run the gamut from deep passionate and true love (some get M to one another) and others are just in for the sex.

February 21, 2013

Ok, so I've posted this many times in other threads, but I can do it one more time. I loved the xOW. For all of the reasons that people love their SOs in general - being able to communicate, having interests that match, the physical attraction, the things I could learn from her, things I provided that made her life better. etc.

From the day I got involved with her, the thought kept coming to me that this is how I should have felt with my wife. But I didn't.

That all being said, I care about my wife. We shared a lot together. We brought kids into the world. I didn't want to hurt her. Even now, I want to minimize the hurt as things fall apart. It's really hard deal with that (go ahead, call me a selfish coward).

As far as making changes to end the marriage and be with the OW, that is tough when you have kids. I was stuck in limbo for months, oscillating between deciding to leave right there and then, and not wanting to leave to avoid hurting the kids. I think most OW just don't get how much turmoil this causes inside the MM. Even now, I lie awake at night and think that I can't put my happiness before my kids. But I can't survive being so unhappy.

As someone else has said, there are also financial considerations. I will do what I can to make sure my kids are looked after, which means my standard of living will be really low. Fine if it's just me, but there was turmoil about this too - how could I expect the OW to be with me if I was devoting all my resources (money and time) to my kids and someone else?

Bottom line is, I loved the xOW. If she had given me the chance, and the support to make it through the turmoil, I'd be with her, no question. But there's also no question that it would have taken way more time and upheaval than any of us could have imagined.

I hope this sheds some light on the MM's thinking.

February 21, 2013

Is it all fantasy in your head?

As much a fantasy as any romance has been, or as little.

Did you truly love your OW and why ?

We had a long history and shared many life challenges together. In that time and space, I surely did love her. I wouldn't have persisted if not.

what was different ?

I presume you mean post-A. Two things, mainly. 1. Therapy clarified and helped delineate the internal processes which impelled the actions. 2. With that clarity, I understood more completely the incompatibility which retained our association in the realm of non-primary, and came to accept that incompatibility.

After D-Day or when you broke up do you still love them even though you told your BS you never ?

I think of her no longer and that experience caused both a period of grief and, later, freedom.

Was it money and children that kept you in your marriage ?

In my case, the threat to my ability to be solvent while caregiving 'kept' me in the M. Otherwise, I would have divorced long before I did. We had/have no children.

Were you truly conflicted ? Did you love both your loving wife and you OW ?

In my case, no, I was not conflicted. I shared that lack of conflict in MC when stating that my love had died one day at a time, which was true. It was an incremental death, taking a little over two years, during which time I never thought of my former MW until right at the end, kind of like a life preserver, an out of character behavior for myself, as I've always tended to be non-dependent. My exW hadn't been 'loving' for a good long while and the two year period was where I was, impotently, seeking her love in response to my own, but ultimately mine died the same death which hers apparently did. So, no loving wife.

Good luck.

February 21, 2013

Ive been reading these boards for a long time now and most of you know my story and the sorry state I am in just now, this thread has nothing to do with that but something I have wondered for a long time.

The BS and OW on these boards tend to answer for you and we dont really get much input from the MM (realist and cali the exception ofcourse)

Is it all fantasy in your head ? Did you truly love your OW and why ? what was different ? After D-Day or when you broke up do you still love them even though you told your BS you never ? Was it money and children that kept you in your marriage ? Were you truly conflicted ? Did you love both your loving wife and you OW ?

I do not mean to upset anyone by asking these questions and please do not make this thread another slagging match between BS and OW its getting really boring now.

(Pierre remember to keep ur knickers untwisted, I am not interested in going back with exMM just random questions for all OW and BS in the world wide web of A)

My affair of 5 years initially began as a fantasy. In the beginning, I loved my OW as any bf loves a new gf. The same butterflies were there. After we became involved sexually, our love began to grow. We began to bond more and talk about topics more deeply. Once my OW got pregnant with my first and only child, our relationship went to a whole new level. My love for her multiplied 10 fold. Maybe it was the feeling that all men acquire when their wife or loved one gets pregnant. At that point I knew we were going to be connected for life.

The guilt I have towards my wife is an emotion I deal with on a daily basis. But as my affair kept going on, minor problems started popping up. My OW, who initially was always very kind and loving, started becoming a bit demanding. Kind of like a wife. She always used our daughter as a pretext to get more money or favors. She knew I loved my daughter so I would eventually give in. Then my OW started becoming very jealous, surprisingly not towards my wife but towards other young ladies who worked for me. And then at about the 4 year mark of our affair, I started to become jealous and possessive of her. We had quite a few arguments over the jealousy factor over the past year but we always forget and continue moving on.

My life with my wife has continued to get better except for the intimacy part, which has stayed at the level it was before my affair began. My relationship with my wife almost always follows the same ups and downs that I experience with my OW. For example, if I have a good day with my OW then I'm in a good mood therefore I am happy and friendly towards my wife. Which she obviously appreciates. When I'm down because of the OW I carry that mood to my life with my wife. Which she doesn't care for.

I have an equal love for my wife and for my OW. But the two loves are very different. My love for my OW is high-octane passion, even after 5 years. Tremendous amount of excitement and drama. My love for my wife is much deeper, like the love one has for a mother/father or sibling.

I feel right now that the love that my OW has for me is slipping off. But when I start getting that feeling, she comes roaring back with conviction and passion, even without me mentioning I'm feeling that way. I'm not sure what she really wants from our relationship even though she tells me many times. I'm not convinced she really means it.

Anyway I think I drifted off a little so I'll cut it off there. Thanks for the thread directed at MM.

February 21, 2013

I am a ex ow - I understand what's making you ask these questions we've all been there its strange we can be so intimate with someone yet sometimes you just can't ask your mm or ex mm what it is you really want to I know. Bu he is the only one that can give you these answers I know that's not what you want to hear but in time you won't even care

My ex mm told me he loved me many times albeit in one phone call and then it was never mentioned again at the time I believed him, I thought it was a turning point in our relationship and it was just not in the direction I thought

I can't say obviously what he thinks of me now all I know is his wife for whatever reason(s), is more important to him I therefore stopped making him a priority we were no longer on the same page

February 22, 2013

The posts from the MM here support what I feel my ex-MM feels and felt for me during our A. That he truly and genuinely loved me. I know he still does, but I think at some point in the next coming months he will gain a great distance from these feelings and will always think of me with fondness, but it will be detached and eventually a distant memory, which is as it should be if we can’t be together anyway.

He treated me wonderfully during our time. He cared for his wife but did not love her like he loved me. If we had actually been together as each other’s only relationship would we have been as “in love” in the long term as we were in our A? Who knows. I often wondered this. How we would go if we didn’t have to live with the constant longing and what ifs and if onlys and the restrictions. Would we be bored because we wouldn’t have any difficulties surrounding us? Would we leave the honeymoon period quickly? I sort of think, even if an A goes on for many, many years, at least part of it does retain that honeymoon period because you can’t properly be together enough to leave that period.

Anyway, I know my ex-MM loved me and would have been with me if things were different. We felt the same about each other – we both had other partners. We both had our reasons for not leaving. And we both loved each other deeply and sincerely.

February 22, 2013

not a MM... but a MW

i believed i loved him. i definitely cared about him a lot. i respected him as a person and wanted to do everything i could so that he is happy. everything i said to him was sincere.

i actually bought into what he was saying to me and at times even considered that he would be worth blowing up my life as it was, to be with him.

when the truth started to show i was a mess. when i couldn't go on anymore i was hurting so much, it was the worst pain i've felt. and i've gone through some pretty cr@ppy times. yet i still wanted the best for him, and hoped that he was happy.

now? i'm disappointed with myself, i feel stupid that i was so blind to see what he was actually about. i don't respect him. i don't care whether he's happy or not, but i do hope his gf sees what a narcissistic, using arse he is and tells him where to go. because i suspect that he's done it before and he'll do it again. i definitely wouldn't be surprised if i was replaced quickly.

February 22, 2013

What is different about him as compared to you, Lilly?

I only ask because to me, my ex-MM and I were in similar situations in that we both cared for our partners / spouses, but were deeply in love with each other and just tried to make it work somehow...

Why do you now feel your ex-MM didn't love you and all that, when you truly did love him? (sorry to ask. I don't know your whole story)

February 22, 2013

hi stevie... if/when you have time, have a look through my history. first thread especially - it was hard to read the responses about him lining up a bit on the side when he moves, but that's what it was.

he was very persuasive, i thought that we were the same and that he was sincere too. he led me to believe he wanted more. until i was hooked and reciprocated.

i have pretty much completely emotionally detached from my marriage and my husband. i know it's a cliché that gets thrown around a lot, but i did feel like i cheated ON him with H.

then... he told me towards the end that he was moving with his gf. that's very much a committed relationship, don't you think?

yet he doesn't love her. you don't do that to someone you love.

and he didn't care about me either. it's just logic.

edit: i guess what was the first thing to hit me was his reply to my last email. i said that i'm more than somebody's bit of fun (a reference to what he said a few days before that) and he didn't deny it in his reply. he said he was 'miffed' i would stew over a flippant comment and that it's 'been grand'. so yeah.

Edited February 22, 2013 by Lillyfree

February 22, 2013

Wow. It's "been grand"? Eek. Nice, huh?

It confuses me as to how / why some of these MM continue to stay with their OW for many years when it's NOT all "fun times"? This is another reason I believe my ex-MM was NOT just in for fun or for thrills or whatever. I truly believe he wanted to be with me and if things were different (so easy to say, eh?) he would have been. Would've made the move.

We had some hard times. Or correction, *I* had some hard times during our relationship. Stuff unrelated to my relationship with him. He helped me through and was always supportive. He never wavered at those times.

Also we were long distance so there was no physical stuff or sex involved (in person, that is). So...I don't know.

I will read your history later today, Lilly. Thanks for replying!

February 22, 2013

Wow. It's "been grand"? Eek. Nice, huh?

mmm. not to sound bitter or anything, but for that alone he can choke on a bowlfull of stewed a*seholes.

and as far as support goes, i was the one providing it for him - listening to him whine about work and various things at home, his family etc.

while at the same time i had all manner of shyte hitting the fan with my family, AND a cancer scare. but if i dared mention anything about my issues i was met with a blank.

so while i was nice, things were great and he 'was falling in love with me'. and i was amazing.

when i got upset with him the first time about the way he treated a certain situation - that was it. i was 'crazy'. the guy's a textbook NPD.

February 22, 2013

Wowy, yeah, it sounds like he can't handle a proper adult relationship when the focus is not 100% on him. Pity that. You know, I hope, that you're better off without him...

My ex-MM WAS supportive. I supported him too but he REALLY was there for me. I put him through a lot. He never once complained or made me feel bad. I got unhappy and angry at him a LOT too and for about the first year he was very understanding and patient. Always said he understood and knew where it was coming from and I had to always be myself and not to hold anything back. Stuff like that...sigh. (after that first year he found it harder to deal with. I would get verbally abusive towards him because of the stress, insecurity, resentment and hurt I felt simply being the OW I guess) He was still mostly good about it, but a few times he'd just...leave. Disappear for a few days. Drove me insane with anxiety. Ugh.

February 22, 2013

Wowy, yeah, it sounds like he can't handle a proper adult relationship when the focus is not 100% on him. Pity that. You know, I hope, that you're better off without him...

My ex-MM WAS supportive. I supported him too but he REALLY was there for me. I put him through a lot. He never once complained or made me feel bad. I got unhappy and angry at him a LOT too and for about the first year he was very understanding and patient. Always said he understood and knew where it was coming from and I had to always be myself and not to hold anything back. Stuff like that...sigh. (after that first year he found it harder to deal with. I would get verbally abusive towards him because of the stress, insecurity, resentment and hurt I felt simply being the OW I guess) He was still mostly good about it, but a few times he'd just...leave. Disappear for a few days. Drove me insane with anxiety. Ugh.

it's good that you had that. i guess that would make it harder to let go though... i found it helpful that mine wasn't.

i believe i'm better off without him. he turned out to be not quite what i thought of him...

you know, like in that garbage song 'special'

still, there are times when i wish it was different. it all sucks quite a bit, yknow.

February 22, 2013

It does indeed suck.

I don't know which is easier or better...to think that you're definitely better off without him (which is good if you have no choice but to move on) but with the pain of feeling he never really cared about you...or to think that he really DID love you and the reasons you're over are not really related to how you were as a couple, but all the other external factors that impacted on you as that couple...cause while you have the comfort of knowing he cared, that also makes it really hard to move on.

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