How to Let Go?

[worldgonewrong]

We were texting very briefly and when I suggested she open a card to transfer the balance, or take money from her 401K to pay off the debt, or borrow money... she quit communicating.

 

This sort of thing is classic behavior of my ex-wife too.

Avoidant behavior.

They cultivate that behavior from when they start affairs. After that, it becomes easier - becomes a way of just (non)communicating. It's the idea of "if I can block the affair out, well, I can block other things out too with ease!".

Stupid people sleepwalking through life...

[TailSpin75]

Hi WGW (still have no ability for PM BTW )

 

I cannot express with words the fire of anger that burns inside me today (ebb and flow). I agree with your assessment of Avoidance Behavior... I cannot get her to even engage on this topic. I sent a well composed email this morning regarding that subject and 'formal' request for time with the children Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and next Saturday. She was quick to respond - also well composed but only regarding this children. Complete avoidance in my request to even 'discuss' the card debt matter.

 

My mind knows there's nothing I can do - so I am doing my to let this anger just bleed off...

 

Where you say sleepwalking through life - I have used the expression 'asleep at the wheel'.

[FazedOut]

TS, print out & keep the emails in a safe place. If she chooses not to pay, hopefully they'd be admissable in small claims if it came down to it. Hopefully she said she'd take one of the cards debt in email already.

 

I love the avoidance of dealing with the mess they've created.

[worldgonewrong]

TailSpin75 - re the PM status: check to see if you've clicked on the box that says you want to activate PMs. It's somewhere in your Profile options/settings.

 

And yup...'pick and choose' behavior. It's infuriating. And then they can't simply understand WHY. If you try to broach any matter on an adult, calm level (all business), then it's considered 'controlling'.

You'll be amazed, as you progress, how much you find yourself just giving up or resigning on certain things. It becomes a 'pick your battles' thing, for better or worse.

It's a lesson in extreeeeeme patience for me, haha!

[TailSpin75]

Thanks FazeOut and WGW. Emails saved - regarding the card she agreed to take on - it's in the papers filed with the court.

 

WGW - I consider myself a pretty rational person - and this has turned out for me to be a... "Okay, so that's how it's going to be" situation. I was on fire last night - even this morning... but the rational mind has since taken over to rescue me (well, as best as it can).

 

I believe you're dead on - an exercise in extreme patience. In my particular case - advantage is to me, because I do not give a rat's a$$ about anything but the children. Regarding the card debt matter - I was (am) shocked at how she's 'playing'. You're avoidant behavior explanation - kicked me in a good direction.

 

That vile creature and I are for the most part on the same page regarding the children, but I know now in the back of mind - get ready to go to war if necessary. I'll play nice - don't need anymore stress in this already stressful life and I do hate the very thought of the kids getting caught anywhere in the middle of this. They're already emotionally taxed... adjusting to this change, grieving their losses, coping with strong and fluctuating emotions, etc...

 

For all other matters (of which there's none that I can think of other than the card debt thing) - nothing but formal, well composed, and direct emails. Having this approach does not make it any less infuriating in how she is and how she's handling things but I understand better now the nature of such a selfish, manipulative, deceitful, self righteous, monster.

[Techie Artist]

We had completed paperwork to have the debt she is responsible for switched to her name (she's joint card holder) - BOA denied request (thanks BOA).

 

So the card remains in my name - she is responsible for the debt but will not take any actions to switch that debt into her name. We were texting very briefly and when I suggested she open a card to transfer the balance, or take money from her 401K to pay off the debt, or borrow money... she quit communicating.

 

TailSpin, I am in the process of separating quietly before going formal. I called every credit card company and took spouse off the cards. I informed them in writing that, from the date of my letter, I would not be responsible for any expenses without my signature. I promised to pay the balances.

 

Because there was about $6K of debt, I moved it all to one card with a very low interest rate. This bought me 6 months of payback time for a transfer fee of only $55. I am blessed enough to make enough money that I can pay down a good chunk of this expense in the 6 months, but I'll still have some balance. Nevertheless, when I'm ready to file, this will not be hanging over my head.

 

I suggest you try to consolidate debt if you can by using this process. If she pays it, fine. If not, you're buying yourself some time. I'm no financial guru, so seek your own financial advice. However, it is working for me.

[TailSpin75]

Thanks TA - my situation is pretty simple actually. We each took 1 credit card in the debt split (exchanged cash so it was an even split of debt). The problem is both cards (the one I took and the one she took) is in my name. Both cards are closed and charges cannot be made - but she will not take any action to have the debt she agreed to put in her name.

 

Filed a formal request with BOA (their forms) but they declined to change the name of the responsible party until divorce is final.

 

As WGW mentioned - she's clearly not going to take action or even engage me in any sort of communication regarding this matter. I have no recourse and cannot 'force' her to take action. Once the divorce is final judge can order BOA to switch responsible party... until then it would require her to take ownership or responsibility - things to which I am convinced she's 'highly allergic' to.

 

I appreciate your input TA - sounds like you have a solid plan for yourself!

[TailSpin75]

I have gained some perspective through the emotional... fog. I'm a bit leery in posting this insight as for months now - perspectives have been so challenging to hold onto.

 

What was once a collection of words - something I've heard a hundred times since my world can crashing down, has in the past couple of days become a statement that now has meaning:

 

"You'll come out of this a completely different person - stronger and more confident."

 

I've been pondering this a lot as of late - it's meaning and what it implies. My conclusion - we cannot choose who we want to be but we can choose what we do. What we do ultimately becomes what we experience and it's the collection of these experiences that make us who we are. The role of 'spouse' in a marriage is greatly different than the role of a 'single' person, therefore - after enough time in the new role the person I was - will inevitably be completely different than the person I will become.

 

Of course, I continue to make my way through this 'transition' period. Allowing time to keep detaching emotionally, continuing to learn more about myself in this new role, doing my best to maintain the balance between pushing myself and not doing or taking on too much, and letting the grieving process run it's full course.

 

For me - this journey - this experience becomes less... 'intense' (not sure that's the right word) the more I can put things into context with the rational mind. The emotional ride continues to be the real challenge - and it all 'feels' wrong. But understanding what's 'normal' does make it easier... not easy, but 'easier'.

Edited March 23, 2013 by TailSpin75

[MsOptimist]

What was once a collection of words - something I've heard a hundred times since my world can crashing down, has in the past couple of days become a statement that now has meaning:

 

"You'll come out of this a completely different person - stronger and more confident."

 

It's interesting that you post this because just yesterday a friend told me that I am a completely different person with so much more confidence in myself. He said that he sees a fire lit in me, in a good way. He's glad that I see more of what I'm capable of.

 

I told him that I don't really feel like a different person, that I've always believed in myself, and now my true colors feel like they're shining out. I think they got buried away for a long time.

 

We ARE becoming stronger people!

[TailSpin75]

Thanks MsOptimist - you're an inspiration!

 

I received mail earlier today - notice of the divorce hearing (August 26th - day after her birthday). Seems this will be the day when my divorce is finalized.

 

At first I was a bit numb to the 'new' information but I suspected it was going to 'hit' me to some degree or another. This divorce has never been something that I wanted but understand 'the situation' enough to know that I'll eventually get to a place where I'll see it as a good thing.

 

Receiving this information even as recently as 4 weeks ago would have crushed me. Now, I'm not going to lie - I have since cried after receiving this notice - not in a 'I miss her' sort of way, but in the 'how I've been treated and discarded is not right' sort of way. I grieve - the loss of what I believed was real, the loss of the future I held for a long time, and the loss of the family as I knew it.

 

I have come a long way in the past 3 months. Where at first, not only could I not imagine not having her in my life - I came so close (so very close) to making the choice to not choose life. Where now - I get this information and I know it's going... 'rock' me - I know it's going to bring a flood of emotions (which it has), but I've decided to sit back and just let it happen. I've cried - put a couple of thousand words in my journal, and talked (and cried) with my sister.

 

What this news has not done was set me back. I know it's just part of the process - just like I know when I see her face to face (friend of the court meeting) sometime in the next 6 weeks - it will also cause a stir of emotions. A time will come - some time between now and that court date where I will be 'happy' that a date is set, a date that will mark when this is behind me and no longer looming out in front of me. While I wish I could be happy about that now - I am not, I am sad and I am hurt. A part of the process, a part of grieving, and certainly a part of healing.

[MsOptimist]

I'm glad you have a final date even though I know how much it hurts to see that in print.

 

I went through the very same emotions about having the date set. It didn't set me back either, but I was very sad and felt like I was grieving further. And I cried a lot when I got that in the mail. You will come to accept the date eventually, as in you'll see it as a new beginning and not just an end.

 

You're another step further in this life altering process - be proud of how far you've come!

[TailSpin75]

MsOptimist - I still think your name should be MsAwesome! - thank you for your message... I truly appreciate it!

[nectar23]

Hello.... I am completely with you on this one. My husband of 10 years just recently asked me for a divorce. I was completely blindsided. I didn't know that he was so unhappy with our marriage. Just as of a month ago we were trying to start a family, visiting fertility doctors and everything. And then all of a sudden he wanted a separation because he needed time to himself and some space. I asked him if there was another woman he said no. But now I know that is a lie. He has already started a new relationship with someone that he has met on match.com. I am going through hell right now. I don't know what to do with myself. Everyone keeps telling to get out of the house and start concentrating on myself. I can't seem to find the strength. I talk to people about how I feel but I know they don't understand because none of them have gone through a divorce. I am just trying to find some peace and move on and let go, but I just don't know how. I know I have to take it one day at a time. But I feel like this hurt and pain is never going away. I am so lost and confused. The nights are the loneliest. Well every part of the day is lonely. I feel like a zombie. Just a human shell and carrying through the motions. Everyone keeps telling me that I should stop missing him and crying for him, because he obviously doesn't care about what I am going through. Because he is too busy with his new girlfriend. I just don't understand how someone can just wake up one day and be able to just walk out, leave a 10 year marriage and hop into another relationship. I have anxiety on a regular basis to the point that I get physically sick. I just don't know how to stop these feelings. I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to let him go. And I think mourn mainly because I am losing my best friend. And now I have to live life alone and without him. How do I deal with this? I am struggling to find the will to live and move on. I feel like I am going crazy.

[TailSpin75]

Kind of got stuck in a funk yesterday after getting the court date, but did get scooped by some buddies to 'lift me up'. They got me home around 4 am - while I had a good time and received about 7 bro-hugs and a few lady hugs (the lady hugs are way better by the way) - I remained in the emotional fog to some degree.

 

I'm up now - cleaning up the place and heading out to pick up the girls in about an hour. Have plans to take them out to brunch then shopping for some of the 'little' things for the new townhouse which we'll move into in 5 weeks and 6 days (who's counting though). I am extremely excited about having the girls for the day today - it's truly the only side of life where the is color in an otherwise very gray and dull world.

 

This... emotional fog has cleared out a lot (even with little sleep) and am confident it will be gone completely when I'm on the way to pick up the kids. While I have not lost my way - the thoughts of her (STBX) have been persistent in the past day. It feels as though I am searching for closure from within to this... 'situation'. Wondering if she will ever come to understand the true wake of her destruction. I know now - so much more confidently that I am and will be just fine but over the past couple of weeks the children have initiated conversations with me expressing their thoughts and feelings on the matter that truly break my heart.

[TailSpin75]

Kind of got stuck in a funk yesterday after getting the court date notice, but got scooped by some buddies late last night to 'lift me up'. They got me home around 4 am - while I had a good time and received about 7 bro-hugs and a few lady hugs (the lady hugs are way better by the way) - I remained in the emotional fog to some degree.

 

I'm up now - cleaning up the place and heading out to pick up the girls in about an hour. Have plans to take them out to brunch then shopping for some of the 'little' things for the new townhouse which we'll move into in 5 weeks and 6 days (who's counting though). I am extremely excited about having the girls for the day today - it's truly the only side of life where there is color in an otherwise very gray and dull world.

 

This... emotional fog has cleared out a lot (even with little sleep) and am confident it will be gone completely when I'm on the way to pick up the kids. While I have not lost my way - the thoughts of her (STBX) have been persistent in the past day. It feels as though I am searching for closure from within to this... 'situation'. Wondering if she will ever come to understand the true wake of her destruction. I know now - so much more confidently then ever before that I am and will be just fine but over the past couple of weeks the children have initiated conversations with me expressing their thoughts and feelings on the matter that are truly break my heart.

[Techie Artist]

Hello.... I am completely with you on this one. My husband of 10 years just recently asked me for a divorce. I was completely blindsided. I didn't know that he was so unhappy with our marriage. Just as of a month ago we were trying to start a family, visiting fertility doctors and everything. And then all of a sudden he wanted a separation because he needed time to himself and some space. I asked him if there was another woman he said no. But now I know that is a lie. He has already started a new relationship with someone that he has met on match.com. I am going through hell right now. I don't know what to do with myself. Everyone keeps telling to get out of the house and start concentrating on myself. I can't seem to find the strength. I talk to people about how I feel but I know they don't understand because none of them have gone through a divorce. I am just trying to find some peace and move on and let go, but I just don't know how. I know I have to take it one day at a time. But I feel like this hurt and pain is never going away. I am so lost and confused. The nights are the loneliest. Well every part of the day is lonely. I feel like a zombie. Just a human shell and carrying through the motions. Everyone keeps telling me that I should stop missing him and crying for him, because he obviously doesn't care about what I am going through. Because he is too busy with his new girlfriend. I just don't understand how someone can just wake up one day and be able to just walk out, leave a 10 year marriage and hop into another relationship. I have anxiety on a regular basis to the point that I get physically sick. I just don't know how to stop these feelings. I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to let him go. And I think mourn mainly because I am losing my best friend. And now I have to live life alone and without him. How do I deal with this? I am struggling to find the will to live and move on. I feel like I am going crazy.

 

Welcome to the forums, albeit an unhappy joining. So sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. I understand you're very hurt. You also sound like you've taken a blow to your self esteem. You sound like you're already envisioning a life without him and have begun the grieving process. You are allowed to feel how you feel. But don't wallow there. Give yourself a couple of days to grieve, then dust yourself off and start protecting yourself. You will have other friends, and maybe a new best friend some day. Dismiss him from that category because a friend wouldn't betray a friend like he's done to you. If your best girl burned down your house, would she still be your bestie? I venture not.

 

Ordinarily, I would say that you should seek Marital Counseling (MC), but I'm not getting that vibe from what you've shared. I went thru fertility treatments, so I know all that is involved. I happen to be one of the success stories, but I know the toll it takes on intimacy. Shame on him for abandoning you at such a vulnerable time!

 

Take control of your possessions and ensure that you get what is rightfully yours when the divorce comes. You get tough and keep every scrap of documentation you can about his infidelity. DO NOT MAKE A CHILD WITH HIM AT THIS POINT. Be glad he exposed his hand before a baby was involved.

[nectar23]

Welcome to the forums, albeit an unhappy joining. So sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. I understand you're very hurt. You also sound like you've taken a blow to your self esteem. You sound like you're already envisioning a life without him and have begun the grieving process. You are allowed to feel how you feel. But don't wallow there. Give yourself a couple of days to grieve, then dust yourself off and start protecting yourself. You will have other friends, and maybe a new best friend some day. Dismiss him from that category because a friend wouldn't betray a friend like he's done to you. If your best girl burned down your house, would she still be your bestie? I venture not.

 

Ordinarily, I would say that you should seek Marital Counseling (MC), but I'm not getting that vibe from what you've shared. I went thru fertility treatments, so I know all that is involved. I happen to be one of the success stories, but I know the toll it takes on intimacy. Shame on him for abandoning you at such a vulnerable time!

 

Take control of your possessions and ensure that you get what is rightfully yours when the divorce comes. You get tough and keep every scrap of documentation you can about his infidelity. DO NOT MAKE A CHILD WITH HIM AT THIS POINT. Be glad he exposed his hand before a baby was involved.

 

@Techie... You are right about him not truly being my best friend. I live in CT so its a no fault state and everything is 50/50. But I think I would be entitled to some alimony, but I am not sure yet. I go to speak to a lawyer this week some time. I have always mentioned going to counseling so resolve any issues that we maybe having and the answer I keep getting is "no, its not going to work for me. it won't work. I don't want to talk to a stranger about my problems." I have felt like I have carried the weight of this marriage on my shoulders alone, but i never complained because it was something that I really wanted to work out. I just can't believe that its all coming to an end.....

[TailSpin75]

Great day yesterday with the kids! We are still adjusting to this change and they had a few comments yesterday that let me know it still weighs on them (as expected) - but we had a lot of fun yesterday.

 

I have made my way through the emotional process after receiving the court date notice. The downs feel the same as they always do (hitting me Saturday) but I'm pleasantly surprised at the 'bounce back'. Where a month ago this would have crippled me and stayed with me a awhile - there is a big part of me that feels the relief in having a date and a time in which this D process will be behind me.

[MsOptimist]

Great day yesterday with the kids! We are still adjusting to this change and they had a few comments yesterday that let me know it still weighs on them (as expected) - but we had a lot of fun yesterday.

 

I have made my way through the emotional process after receiving the court date notice. The downs feel the same as they always do (hitting me Saturday) but I'm pleasantly surprised at the 'bounce back'. Where a month ago this would have crippled me and stayed with me a awhile - there is a big part of me that feels the relief in having a date and a time in which this D process will be behind me.

 

That's great that you had fun with your kids and that they're sharing with you how they feel. Keep those lines of communication open with them.

 

Isn't it a relief when you have those bounce back moments? When it doesn't take nearly as long to stand back up when those low moments hit you.

[TailSpin75]

Isn't it a relief when you have those bounce back moments? When it doesn't take nearly as long to stand back up when those low moments hit you.

 

It's a surprise to me but certainly a welcomed one!

 

I'm so hesitant to even imply that I may be turning a corner... but it stands to reason that if not now - that time is coming. I almost feels as though... I'm okay with this situation, the change, and the process - but at the same time it feels that there's a part of me that doesn't want to be okay with it. Regardless of 'where' I'm actually at - I have no doubts that I'm getting there!

[MsOptimist]

It's a surprise to me but certainly a welcomed one!

 

I'm so hesitant to even imply that I may be turning a corner... but it stands to reason that if not now - that time is coming. I almost feels as though... I'm okay with this situation, the change, and the process - but at the same time it feels that there's a part of me that doesn't want to be okay with it. Regardless of 'where' I'm actually at - I have no doubts that I'm getting there!

 

You're definitely getting there! Or at least what you have described so far has been very similar to what I have experienced as far as the emotions and lows that come along with all of this.

 

I remember when I moved out that the first week actually went really well - I had a good week overall (with those "moments" sprinkled in here and there, but overall, good week). I sat in my therapist's office and told him how I felt like I was doing ok, almost like it was "too ok" and that I should be crashing down entirely at some point. While I've had lows since then for sure, I haven't crashed down altogether - so I'll take that as a good sign

 

I think you've accepted your situation, even though you didn't want it. I think that acceptance is key to moving through this.

[TailSpin75]

Something I've been hesitant to post about... but am thinking it's time for some input.

 

A couple of weeks ago I met a woman (by complete chance - wasn't a 'set-up' meeting). We hit it off, exchanged phone numbers and have been texting quite a bit in the past couple of weeks.

 

Her story... how she got to where she is in life now - is an interesting one (as are most people's story I think). Last week I had mentioned to her that it sounded like she found peace in her life over the past 2 years to which she said she has and is looking to share that with someone. Now I consider myself to be an open and honest person and confessed to her that I have not found peace in my life and am not in a position where I could be a part of a 'healthy' relationship - that it would not be fair to her or me at this time. I said I didn't want there to be any 'mixed' signals or misunderstanding - that I was enjoying getting to know her and hanging out but did not want to mislead her either.

 

The amount of interaction with her is increasing and am finding out that she's kind of a 'nerd' like myself and a huge fan of science which I also enjoy. I have shared with her 'where' I am in this divorce - even told her that not a day goes by where I'm not a hot mess at some point during the day. That I do not pine or long for STBX but that I still have a lot of emotions to process and 'things' about me and my future that I need to resolve. She has also been through a divorce (4 years ago) and it's obvious from our discussions that she understands adapting to the 'new' single life.

 

I feel like I'm treading a fine line and she has been saying how much she 'really likes' me and 'appreciates' me. Very nice things to hear no doubt - and I find myself starting to 'really like' her as well. I have no doubt that I'm in a... vulnerable position here - maybe 'easy' to get more involved to fill a void or something like that.

 

She's very attractive, has a good job and takes care of herself, has no children (but is a large part of her niece's life as 'mom' is not in the picture - her niece actually attends same middle school as my oldest), and is an overall positive and pleasant person to be around.

 

Anyone been in this situation? Is this a relationship where 'friendship' can happen and not turn into something more? What's the view from an outsider perspective?

[worldgonewrong]

Well, first of all, the BEST thing you've done in this situation with this new woman is that you've been upfront. Keep doing that. Women appreciate that, need it. And what's more, if things go tits-up, she can never accuse you of withholding information or not being upfront about your emotional state.

That said, take it nice & easy. I hate to use the cliche, but if it's meant to be something more, then it will be; if not, OK too.

I think if you take things at your own comfortable pace then you can more easily discern if you're heading into 'rebound' zone or not. (Avoid the rebound zone. I mistakenly went there. It gave me a momentary boost, felt sexy again, but ultimately felt empty in the aftermath.)

[MsOptimist]

We are so similar! I'm probably not the best person to give advice on this situation since I'm in the thick of it all just as you are, but I'll reiterate some of the things I've learned and am "taking things for what they are in this moment" with my manfriend

 

Just be honest with yourself and the other person where you are at this stage - which you have been. Honest that you're still learning what your new normal is and still moving through the grieving process and realizing that you're not in a position yet to jump into a new relationship. I've known my manfriend for a few years so he is very aware of my situation.

 

Also realizing how vulnerable you are within this situation, which may make this new connection seem more than it is (not trying to downplay your new friendship at all, but I also remind myself of this when it comes to manfriend). Keep the focus on you and just enjoy the perks of this new friendship - meaning continue finding your new normal on your own and not arranging your life around this new person. For me it's kind of nice that manfriend lives an hour away and has a very busy life. I have a fairly busy life as well and this way it's easier to not get drawn in too quickly with a new person.

 

For me, it has been reassurance that I am still able to connect with a man and that there indeed IS life after the ex husband. The thought of dating makes me a bit nauseous still so unintentionally finding out that I was attracted to someone else (and vice versa) was a very nice surprise. And to hear that I was appreciated and complimented - that is amazing to hear right now! Much needed confidence booster after the divorce takes such a toll on our self esteem - as long as we realize we shouldn't be looking to another person for our happiness.

 

So my advice is to not have any expectations or labels. Enjoy spending time with this new person, and as wgw said, if it's meant to be in the future, who knows. But also keep the realization that it could very well be short term - and that's ok too. This could be a valuable learning experience, no matter how it goes.

[TailSpin75]

WGW & MsOptimist - I appreciate the insight and the input! I completely understand "Also realizing how vulnerable you are within this situation, which may make this new connection seem more than it is" - something to be cautious of for sure and at the same time maybe not fair to run the other way because of that fact.

 

Slow and steady... this I believe I can do. Being open, honest, and upfront will not be a problem at all (not sure how to be anything different really).

 

When the color is taken out of the world and nothing has luster - something like... 'this' seems so wonderful. And I am mindful of the stark contrast of emotions - when we spend a good deal of time suffering - a simple 'look' can flutter the heart, let alone the words and emotions shared. I'll consider my boundaries for this relationship and do my best not to 'steer' it.