MsOptimist Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Sometimes on the weekends I struggle with PJ days too. I almost had one today but managed to turn it into a nice alone day. I had a busy day yesterday and went out til late so I slept in this morning. I had 2 offers to go out for St. Patrick's day but I didn't want to be stupid and be out driving, nor did I want to pay for cab rides. I decided to just stay home, but it wasn't a sadness and mopey stay at home. I sipped on my coffee, did a workout DVD, cleaned my place up, and finished reading a book recommended to me by my therapist (Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends - I highly recommend it). The book has a lot of writing and thinking exercises, and I spent a lot of time today journaling about several things. So overall it was one of the better days of staying in, it felt productive in many ways, and like another step closer to being comfortable as a single person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Good day for me too :-) went for a swim this morning amazing how exercise helps lift your mood, off paddle board shopping now! Glad you both have had a good day too! Xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TailSpin75 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 So I have secured a townhouse to rent for the next year - will move in in about 5 weeks. Will finally be able to have the kids overnight! Will also get them for a week at a time - rather than a few days a week and every other weekend. Forward to the new normal! On the down side must initiate contact (email I'm sure) with STBX to coordinate new schedule for kids and make appointment with Friend of the Court to adjust child support. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 So I have secured a townhouse to rent for the next year - will move in in about 5 weeks. Will finally be able to have the kids overnight! Will also get them for a week at a time - rather than a few days a week and every other weekend. Forward to the new normal! On the down side must initiate contact (email I'm sure) with STBX to coordinate new schedule for kids and make appointment with Friend of the Court to adjust child support. Thats fantastic news!!!! really please, you will start to feel so much better now you have some direction and routine with the children too! when do you move? I cant wait to move, my situation atm is hanging on a thread! very complicated, ive had to push it to one side at the moment or ill go mental! i cant wait for this messy stage to be over....saw me Ex briefly yesterday, felt really odd! felt like i was looking at a stranger...felt so detached from someone i loved so much, was hard. cant wait to move, sad thing is i may have to move twice....long story! really pleased for you Link to post Share on other sites
MsOptimist Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 That is great news about your upcoming move and getting to have more time with your kids. Getting settled will be a good thing, definitely a step towards the new normal. Congrats!! Hopefully the contact will be minimal and go smoothly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TailSpin75 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 Thats fantastic news!!!! really please, you will start to feel so much better now you have some direction and routine with the children too! when do you move? I cant wait to move, my situation atm is hanging on a thread! very complicated, ive had to push it to one side at the moment or ill go mental! i cant wait for this messy stage to be over....saw me Ex briefly yesterday, felt really odd! felt like i was looking at a stranger...felt so detached from someone i loved so much, was hard. cant wait to move, sad thing is i may have to move twice....long story! really pleased for you Thanks Suzie - unfortunately I won't be able to move for about 5 weeks - maybe sooner but that was what she mentioned on the phone today. I hope to have a firm move in date tomorrow when I tour the place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TailSpin75 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 OK - so even email communication with STBX is proving to be an exercise in frustration. The time is coming for us to go 50/50 custody of children (once I move into new place) - and suddenly what we agreed on earlier needs to change. Nothing seems to go as planned I guess... Link to post Share on other sites
ibmabrevlis Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Firstly can I say a huge thank you to everyone who has posted here and expressed the absolute devastation caused by divorce and the feelings of hopelessness which ensue. I too have felt in an absolute pit of despair and struggled to believe that there is any possible future out there. My situation itself is very unusual, but nevertheless the end result is the failure of an 18 year marriage, with four children and the painful acceptance that the vision - the belief, the fantasy, call it what you will, of a strong family unit and a meaningful lifelong relationship are over. It is cripplingly agonising whilst simultaneously terrifying. Wondering what the future holds. I too TailSpin have had so many days where being in my own skin feels unbearable and I have wished for something or someone to come along and blot me out. Just so grateful to read of others experiencing similar - sad to think anyone else feels so low but reassured that people have felt it and moved through it. x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TailSpin75 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 Sorry to hear of your struggle ibmabrevlis. Like you, I feel there is something about being a witness to the experience of others, their struggle, suffering, and challenges. Perhaps there's comfort in not feeling that we're the only one's in the world attempting to make our way through the darkness. There is no doubt to the benefit of learning from where other's have misstepped and shared - and having a wide range of perspectives also helps to see through the fog. Will you be sharing your 'story' ibmabrevlis? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FazedOut Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Its all so overwhelming you start to believe YOU are not handling it as well as "everyone else" is, or that what you feel can't possibly be "normal". The hell of it is...we share here, & sure enough, all suffer to the same horrifying degree. the whole thing is incomprehensible!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 ....cant wait for the day that these feelings pass! so glad for this forum, knowing im not alone and my thoughts and feelings are normal....never experienced anything like this before, my life was so easy, happy and simple... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TailSpin75 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 Hmmm STBX wants to continue discussion by phone... not sure about this. I agreed (via text) - and get that she wants to reach an agreement regarding the children and moving forward with this transition. Right now I see them a couple of times a week and on my weekends. With this townhouse (can't move in for 7 weeks ><) I want them for a week at a time (per our original discussed agreement). STBX has been in favor of a couple of days a week and my weekends - but something less than 50%. No cool. While I'd like to get on the same page as her - we seem to have differing ideas on what is best for them. Ultimately - I'm looking for 50% custody and will settle for nothing less. These 3 months have been difficult enough but the added stress/grief of not having my kids over night or for any 'stretch' of time has been brutal. Now that the time is coming and I reach out STBX has changed what we discussed. The talk tonight will be short - if she doesn't agree with 50% custody from the get go - I will advise her that we will settle this with Friend of the Court. If she agrees then we can work out a schedule - I'm flexible (though I prefer a week at a time). Will be talking with my oldest tonight to see what her preference is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FazedOut Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Suzie, I think thats part of what is so hard for me. I was happy too. I knew we had issues, that things weren't perfect, but I felt it was something that would pass/work itself out. We'd been though so much worse over the years. Tailspin, fingers crossed the talk goes well for you!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TailSpin75 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 Conversations with STBX suck - never go as planned or expected (can't be alone on this one). Good news though - no battle for 50% custody We see eye to eye there. Even with that victory - a would be 10 minute phone call took 30 minutes (okay maybe 45). Stayed on point (for the most part) - the straying occurred when I threw in a jab here and there (truly could not stop myself - but my effort did limit the number and the 'nastiness'). There were also strays from her attempting to 'justify' herself - I would have none of that though. So in the end we worked out about 80% of a plan for the children for the next 7 weeks (until I move into townhouse). I'll make an appointment with Friend of the Court to review out plan and target my move-in date as the date child support will be amended. We spoke for about 10 minutes just on communication - a topic I brought up. I told her I believe this entire 'conversation' could have taken place via email. Details, questions, answers, and ideas could have been communicated in the written form. She disagreed and prefers either face to face or phone conversation. Face to face will only happen at friend of the court - and then not again until I am ready... not likely a time this year. I confessed that I would like to be able to communicate via phone - but at this time it's an stressful experience for both of us - to which she confessed during the conversation. Her concern is that ideas may be lost in translation through email - so i advised questions of clarification when there's any doubt to ensure understanding is achieved and communication has occurred. She agreed that for child arrangements, notifications of things like school stuff or upcoming softball games - email is an acceptable forum. But for anything more detailed she would prefer phone - I refused. Then I asked what need would there be to communicate by phone, what issues could she anticipate that would require a phone conversation... she was (as I was) at a loss for a scenario that would require something more than a simple exchange of information. So I'll have to actually see her with Friend of the Court (sometime before May 5th) for only the third time this year... not looking for the s**tstorm of emotions that will inevitably bring. But after that meeting our only interaction (until I'm ready to change it) will be in digital format. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FazedOut Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 That had to have been gut wrenching. Glad she sees eye to eye on custody! That was#1!! The rest will work out. Big hugs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TailSpin75 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 So... STBX and I have had virtually no contact for a good stretch (until yesterday) - in fact the total number of 'interactions' has been pretty low for this entire year. A couple of months ago - I had noticed that when I did speak with her - my mood following the interaction was good - regardless of how the conversation went - the mood was good - then crash... So we talked last night - and today... I've felt good all day. Sort of weird really - been awhile since I was in this good a mood. Don't get me wrong - not trying to make an association but am wondering if anyone else experienced this? I've posted on here before that 'they' are like a drug - and when you get a 'bump' you feel good, then crash, then go through the symptoms of withdrawals. It's something I've experienced for myself. While I hope this is not what's happening - I'll enjoy this mood as long as it lasts!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FazedOut Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 If you're happy, take it! I'd think it's mire relief that you got a HUGE issue settled & the outcome was favorable. Any good feelings are.....good.lol Enjoy the peace while you have it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ibmabrevlis Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I feel that when I am able to have a civil or even somewhat pleasant conversation with my STBX it is comforting for the simple reason that I realise 18 years of marriage doesn't necessarily have to end in being mere strangers or worse. I truly wish to have a friend in my ex eventually as we have created four wonderful children together and despite all of the ridiculous crap which we have both put each other through (and forgive me for playing Devils Advocate here but I have yet to witness a marriage where there was not some element of blame and responsibility on both sides, albeit perhaps to different degrees) we have been part of each other for so long.....to negate all that simply by being vague and distant and disinterested seems scary, and then makes me feel like all relationships are vulnerable. Not merely spousal ones but every relationship we have.....if time and involvement mean nothing, it feels like relationships are all worthless.....or is that just me and my melancholy?!!! And yes Tailspin I would love to share my story here some time but I fear I may be demonized somewhat as I tend to tell the candid truth and it is pretty hideous in parts! Might help make sense of it all though. x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FazedOut Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I'd like to hear your story ibmabrevlis. Everyone seems pretty understanding here...and, you're right, no one is totally blameless of going about things badly to some degree. Non of us is perfect.I doubt you'd be demonized, but then...I don't know the tale. Tailspin, still feeling up tonight? If so, hurrah! I did ok till I got bad news about my fathers health (needs open heart surgery, soon!) & helped at a car accident scene where I fear the driver sustained fatal injuries. I don't know that...I'm no nurse/doc...but he wasn't looking too ace when I left the scene as paramedics arrived. Guess I should be glad I'm not in either of their shoes tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TailSpin75 Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 Good talk with the oldest last night. She continues to struggle with this transition and has confessed that she does not speak with her mother as much anymore about how she is feeling. She said that 'mom doesn't seem to know how hard this is'. Taking the kids out tonight for dinner and Sunday for brunch. To help them with the transition I plan to take them out Sunday to shop for things for the new place; pumping as much excitement into this place as possible. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TailSpin75 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Great time with the kids tonight! Heart breaking when the night came to an end and it was time for them to go home... I do hate that time of the evening. Brief interaction (text) with STBX regarding some debt we split. Basically - we each took a credit card as part of our agreement the problem is that they are both in my name. We had completed paperwork to have the debt she is responsible for switched to her name (she's joint card holder) - BOA denied request (thanks BOA). So the card remains in my name - she is responsible for the debt but will not take any actions to switch that debt into her name. We were texting very briefly and when I suggested she open a card to transfer the balance, or take money from her 401K to pay off the debt, or borrow money... she quit communicating. This enrages me that matters that are important to me (outside the children) - she will not engage. Further, I have no recourse until the divorce is finalized... August at the earliest - court can order can have debt switched to her name. I've been at this long enough to know that the emotions change - but I would love it if I could maintain this perspective of her and this whole situation. The way I feel now - there is no pain, no suffering, no agony... only the fire of rage that wants nothing more than to have all of this behind me. In this moment it is so easy to see her for what she really is - a selfish, lying, deceitful, and vile creature. I have (so far) resisted every urge to send impulsive messages out of emotion (to tell her what I think of her at this moment) - it's not a natural part of my character. I'm in a state where I want to commit to absolutes - like I will only communicate by email or I will never speak with her again. But like all the emotions... this will pass. Link to post Share on other sites
RebuildingMom Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I have (so far) resisted every urge to send impulsive messages out of emotion (to tell her what I think of her at this moment) - it's not a natural part of my character. I'm in a state where I want to commit to absolutes - like I will only communicate by email or I will never speak with her again. But like all the emotions... this will pass. TS - I too find the urge to lash out extremely hard to resist. I can't remember if you said this before but do you wait a bit before responding? I try to do that but I'm not always successful... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebuildingMom Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Great time with the kids tonight! Heart breaking when the night came to an end and it was time for them to go home... I do hate that time of the evening. Oh and loved to read that you had a great time with the kids! I'm sure they'll remember it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TailSpin75 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Hi RM - I'm not always good at not responding with impulse either. In this case - I have just dropped it - no jabs, low blows, digs, or anything nasty. I've been journalling - dumping this rage by way or words; it's helped, not as charged at the moment as I was an hour ago. I find that I'm pretty good at telling myself what to do - but my goodness is it such a challenge to follow the advice I have for myself. I know precisely how I want to conduct myself... but in the 'heat of the moment' - all bets are off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FazedOut Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) Funny I've been battling the urge to "nasty text" tonight, myself!! I found out tonight my dad is having open heart surgery Monday. He's 78, in heart failure,pretty damn seriously ill. My dad really liked him. My dad doesn't like many people. I told my estranged husband, as were texting when I heard. He told me he'd drive me down (2 hours from home), & I could stay on the couch (like him) at his moms house. I declined both offers. Didn't care to be stuck for a week without a car away from home or stay on a couch in a house with 8 other people (stbx inlaws). Anyway, he stopped texting after that. After an hour I lost it a bit, as I have no friends or family to discuss my situation with, and my counselor raised her rates so I haven't gone for 2 weeks. Anyhow, it all got to be too much & I texted him: "I feel like an old razor...something that was once useful & wanted. Now worn out & disposable". His ONLY response? "A razor"? That was at 6:30, it's now hours later( he usually texts me all evening to entertain himself when bored at his moms house-but, tellingly, not when staying at friends'). I have to see him all weekend...and I want nothing less at this point. The thought of spending the next 3 days with this asshat makes my blood boil! I'm SEETHING. THIS is the support I get from someone I stood by for 26 years of heath & family problems?! YES, I know, we are separated...but damn. It's not like wr have no contact, the neighbors & most of the family have no idea we're even separated!! I swear it, part of me HATES him right now. This weekend ought to be uncomfortable...when usually they are reasonably ok, considering. But his utter lack of CARING just stuns me. I want to tell him not to come, but can't. I'm with you Tailspin, if these emotions could stay, he'd be a helluva lot easier to get over. Right now I think he's pretty damn cold & doesn't deserve my love, let alone all the kindness this doormat has shown him since he left, hoping it'd help us reconcile. sorry for the hijack, just had to vent before I lost my mind FULLY. I managed not to text him, but wanted to send, simply: "thanks for the caring & kindness at this difficult time". Probably wouldn't have had time to respond to me, anyway. He's been mass texting someone else all week. 1000+. B@st@rd!! At least I know. I can't get the numbers, but I know. Edited March 22, 2013 by FazedOut Link to post Share on other sites
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