How to Let Go?

[aMguilts]

no not really.

so all kids that go through a breakup/divorce need it??

 

mine never/didn`t

 

 

aM

Edited March 10, 2013 by aMguilts

[TailSpin75]

Needed? No, but a resource... yes. Just a neutral party to discuss their concerns with and to learn how to cope with strong feelings that they also experience.

[aMguilts]

Needed? No, but a resource... yes. Just a neutral party to discuss their concerns with and to learn how to cope with strong feelings that they also experience.

 

they are kids, they are going through `strong feelings` every single day, whether their parents are splitting up or not

its nature. its called hormones.

 

but to have `counselling`?

really?

 

you are either being overprotective or there`s more than meets the eye

time will tell

 

aM

[aMguilts]

and i`m glad you have your fight back

 

anger is always better than despair i think

it shows you care and at least want to fight...

 

for now

 

aM

Edited March 10, 2013 by aMguilts

[TailSpin75]

For the kids it's just a resource - not going to do harm. They feel there's a benefit so I'm for it. Kids grieve during a divorce also - not really fair to say 'they'll just figure it out'. Talking with them plus counselling give them a better chance to move past this transition in their lives.

 

I agree anger is way better then despair. Just wish it was consistently the dominate emotion. STBX and I have not been in the same room with the kids since Christmas - it was cordial but kind of a downer. She told them this was her choice - she also gives them the run around when they ask why. When they ask me - I steer them back in her direction. Neither of us speak ill of the other. That being said - it's still something they're resist to.

[Shocked Suzie]

I've personally think counseling is a good idea and has been strongly recommended from my GP and the school, I have teenage children... My daughter has asked to see a counsellor... They give the coping strategies, how to deal with difficult situations, encourage them to express their own view, my daughter has so much she wants to say to her dad but doesn't because she doesn't want to upset him... Counseling is also good because its unbiased, the last thing I want is to unintentionally direct them as I'm under so much emotional stress and pressure. I've done my best to be as open as possible with regards to the future, them meeting the GF... They are struggling with the whole concept of it all.... One minuite we are excited about Xmas, in a home that they feel happy secure with no conflict and then BOOM dad leaves one week be4 Xmas.

 

I see no harm in an outsider giving professional guidance and support for their confusion and anger.

[TailSpin75]

Don't you just hate having to constantly push through life with these 'feelings'. I swear I'm moving full steam ahead toward a breaking point. Thing is don't know what to expect when I reach that limit...

[MsOptimist]

My parents divorced when I was a teenager in high school, and I wish they had put me into counseling. I was left to fend for myself and I really internalized and struggled with everything dealing with the divorce. I somehow learned how to compartmentalize, and was outwardly fine in school, but I suffered a lot with my thoughts when I was alone. I was very reluctant to tell my friends because their parents were still married and I didn't think anyone would understand. Counseling would have helped steer me in the right direction, and that's why the very first call I made when my stbxh said he was leaving, was to a counselor. I knew I needed to learn how to deal with it in a healthy way.

[Shocked Suzie]

I've not been this stressed for a few weeks! Had my house sale fall through, communication is zero as he's been nasty as and financial situation is on a knifes edge! What a mess! Trying to get things moving forward but any contact I do have is a joke! Giving my brain couple if days off I can't deal with it all atm

 

This is awful! No idea how a person can just walk away like this! So angry rite now!

 

.... Counseling all the way I'd say, if the kids feel its not helping then they can make that call, I'd rather do it than not.

 

X

[TailSpin75]

I feel your pain Suzie and sorry to hear the stress level is peaked. I too am desperate to get things in place and squared away to being this 'new' life. So tough to make decisions and get things done while riding the emotional roller coaster.

 

It's such a challenge to pull our lives back together when someone we trust drops a bomb right in the middle of it. Amazing how long the emotional concussion lasts.

 

While everyday continues to be a battle - I gotta believe we're past the worst part. From here out it seems to be an endurance challenge.

[TailSpin75]

So it I had an epiphany last night...

 

I've always been a loyal and faithful husband and family man. My childhood was crap (physical & emotional abuse) and my parents were very unfaithful to each other. I realized at a young age they were perfect examples for how to not parent or not be a spouse. I put in the effort to be a good husband... a role I very much enjoyed.

 

In any case, it donned on me last night that by virtue of this divorce - I am going to have to break my vows and the commitment I made 17 years ago. I'm aware this is a matter of perspective and that this isn't my choice but honoring those vows was kind of a big deal to me.

 

Clearly she is not the woman I thought she was nor is the woman that she represented herself as - not someone I should want in my life.

Edited March 12, 2013 by TailSpin75

[FazedOut]

Don't you just hate having to constantly push through life with these 'feelings'. I swear I'm moving full steam ahead toward a breaking point. Thing is don't know what to expect when I reach that limit...

I'm new, been lurking since Oct. when my husband of 25 years dropped the "ILYBNILWY/I want to separate TODAY" bomb on me at lunch one day, before going back to work..then out to dinner & drinks with friends that night and for the next 3 days until he moved out.

All I can say is, I found your thread today & think you are doing pretty d@mn good...and I can completely relate to how you feel.

Hang in there!!

Know that your story touched my heart & I only wish my husband cared .0001% as much about me as you care(d) about your wife & marriage.

Someday, some DESERVING lady will be lucky to have you!

 

(I still have to post my whole story, for advice, but currently only have my phone...so it's difficult).

[FazedOut]

So it I had an epiphany last night...

 

I've always been a loyal and faithful husband and family man. My childhood was crap (physical & emotional abuse) .... I realized at a young age they were perfect examples for how to not parent or not be a spouse. I put in the effort to be a good husband... a role I very much enjoyed.... this isn't my choice but honoring those vows was kind of a big deal to me.

 

Clearly she is not the woman I thought she was.

 

Wow! Even more similarities....sorry your marriage has turned out this way. I'm look forward to reading more of how you heal & cope in the future.

 

I was faithful always, too..and ENJOYED the life I had, overall. I forgave an affair my husband had 10 years ago with a coworker, something I told him from day 1 I could/would not forgive. It hurts now that my husband decided I wasn't worth forgiving for MY mistakes/weaknesses . I know I'm not perfect, I deal with chronic pain & depression making me hard to live with. It just seems like an extra low blow that I loved him through "the worst", but he didn't feel his vows required similar effort of him.

I believe that was helped along by new friends (one woman divorced once *I suspect she's an EA*, one man divorced 4x). Thats who he gets his marital advice from!

 

( Sorry. Today's just a really bad day for me, but you're making me realize I'm not alone & still have a long way to go in healing, introspection, etc.)

Edited March 12, 2013 by FazedOut
rambling on...

[TailSpin75]

FazedOut - I am sorry to hear of your struggle as well. I'll be looking for 'your story' when you post.

 

This is a pretty torturous journey and road to recovery. I fear I've fallen into a 'safe' routine but at the same time I do believe I'm getting stronger. The feelings remain but I have learned to 'be composed' with them where initially I was completely devastated.

[TailSpin75]

FazedOut - one more thing... this is a good place - a great dumping ground and a solid collection of souls, some broken and healing, and others that have completed the journey. Again, I am sorry to hear of your situation.

[Yasuandio]

So it I had an epiphany last night...

 

I've always been a loyal and faithful husband and family man. My childhood was crap (physical & emotional abuse) and my parents were very unfaithful to each other. I realized at a young age they were perfect examples for how to not parent or not be a spouse. I put in the effort to be a good husband... a role I very much enjoyed.

 

In any case, it donned on me last night that by virtue of this divorce - I am going to have to break my vows and the commitment I made 17 years ago. I'm aware this is a matter of perspective and that this isn't my choice but honoring those vows was kind of a big deal to me.

 

Clearly she is not the woman I thought she was nor is the woman that she represented herself as - not someone I should want in my life.

 

I know this is a big deal to you. So, I'm going to try to make you feel better, through over-analysis, and leave you no wiggle room to think about those vows again.

 

Yes, you made vows, at the same time, the vows were also a moral and legal contract. Adultry is certainly a morally logical reason to end the marriage and legal contract, but lack of morality is not a criterion to disolve either, it is one or both of your choices, always. Both types of contracts can be broken, nowadays, and "moral" reasoning is no longer an issue in filing for a divorce, it is only an issue in one's mind (or in testimony in Court if there are hearings or a trial). There is the only place where vows mean anything.

 

As we know, divorcing couples can simply have "irreconcilable differences" regarding the brand of peanut butter being used in the household. Don't feel bad. Once you get your FINAL DECREE, and you are DIVORCED, your VOWS are null and void. AFTER DIVORCE THE VOWS NO LONGER EXIST. Now you recognize very well whose shoes not to fall into, even sub-counsciously. And if you find yourself in those shoes, your brain is now telling you to get the heck outta those shoes, regardless of vows cause those vows are about to be deep-6ed. Even if, technically, the vows remain on record a while longer, your wife broke hers. And unless you forgive her and/or both of you want to keep the marital contract, the legal contract is on it's deathbed, sorry to say.

 

Now, in conclusion, my goal is for you to forgive yourself, and forgive your wife, and accept the vows will soon be non-existant. Due to reasons and curcumstances beyond your control, the vows you made with your wife did not last for a life time ("till death do you part"), as you believed when you said them. Hopefully, you can release your wife though forgiveness for she did not honor the vows that she promised to in front of God, and witnesses.

 

I hope this helps. Yas

[TailSpin75]

As always Yas - I do appreciate your input and perspective.

 

LS seems to be a collection of people who are or have experienced the seemingly overwhelming destructive power of divorce. For myself, as I make my way through this process, I find that I repeatedly become a witness as to why it's so destructive.

 

The changes that we are forced to make - in our daily lives, our relationships, and our perspectives can be such a challenge. While I'm learning to recognize some of the good in these changes - I, like most, tend to be resistant to them. Don't we all like what we know and what we're comfortable with?

 

The breaking of my vows was an epiphany to me - something that was just as special to me as it should have been for her. The consequence of letting that go is a completely new perspective - of me and my role as a person. How I've interacted with people, how (in part) I conducted myself, and some of my expectations. Of course, this change is necessary to move forward and like all change will take time. So I look at recognizing it as being a good thing.

[2.50 a gallon]

I understand what you are saying about your vows.

 

I was a womanizer and did not have a clue how strongly I took them vows until I took them myself. After she cheated I struggled with what I should do.

 

Until I came to the conclusion, the vows we took were between ourselves and the almighty. The vows were broken by her and therefore, our vows were then null and void, and I was not longer responsible for holding up mine.

 

And I did not need a divorce decree to declare myself free.

[TailSpin75]

So... I'm surprised to find myself a hot f#cking mess today. The day started out like it usually does... I'm at work... nothing unexpected or out of the ordinary. Nothing has happened, no contact, no new information... but I'm suddenly finding myself hurting. Now I know this will pass - that it comes and goes but for some reason - I've been hit pretty hard by the scope of this ending and it's implications. I don't feel that I'm aware of something new, there's no 'new information' that is in my head... Just surprised that 'the situation' is hitting me so hard and seemingly so randomly.

 

Is this normal after 3 months and can I expect this to happen again at some point down the line?

[FazedOut]

So... I'm surprised to find myself a hot f#cking mess today. The day started out like it usually does... I'm at work... nothing unexpected or out of the ordinary. Nothing has happened, no contact, no new information... but I'm suddenly finding myself hurting. Now I know this will pass - that it comes and goes but for some reason - I've been hit pretty hard by the scope of this ending and it's implications. I don't feel that I'm aware of something new, there's no 'new information' that is in my head... Just surprised that 'the situation' is hitting me so hard and seemingly so randomly.

 

Is this normal after 3 months and can I expect this to happen again at some point down the line?

Can't answer your questions, but I know that occasionally i'll get slapped around mentally for no new reason...

Just the fun of the game, I guess?

Does anyone else "remember" things they said earlier, and you pushed aside.

( you heard it, but for some reason it doesn't strike you a certain way until later)..I guess until you can process it?

Sorry to ask on your thread, but it kind of went along with your question, I thought.

Hope you feel like you are coping better again soon!!

[worldgonewrong]

So... I'm surprised to find myself a hot f#cking mess today. The day started out like it usually does... I'm at work... nothing unexpected or out of the ordinary. Nothing has happened, no contact, no new information... but I'm suddenly finding myself hurting. Now I know this will pass - that it comes and goes but for some reason - I've been hit pretty hard by the scope of this ending and it's implications. I don't feel that I'm aware of something new, there's no 'new information' that is in my head... Just surprised that 'the situation' is hitting me so hard and seemingly so randomly.

 

Is this normal after 3 months and can I expect this to happen again at some point down the line?

 

 

Yep, it WILL happen down the line again.

BUT - and remember this - it will be less & less between bouts as time goes by. And the severity of those bouts will decrease over time, too.

 

Man, in the first 3 months of all this, I remember going to work and having to duck into the bathroom to cry my eyes out. I was a wreck.

It felt like, "What am I doing working? This is petty! I should be...saving the marriage like Superman" or some such nonsense.

 

And then I realized - over time - that I was investing WAAAAY more into thoughts about the marriage than she ever was. Once that little lightbulb clicks, it's like freedom. You free yourself, really.

 

But yes. Sorry for the long-winded answer.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yep, it WILL happen down the line again.

BUT - and remember this - it will be less & less between bouts as time goes by. And the severity of those bouts will decrease over time, too.

 

Man, in the first 3 months of all this, I remember going to work and having to duck into the bathroom to cry my eyes out. I was a wreck.

It felt like, "What am I doing working? This is petty! I should be...saving the marriage like Superman" or some such nonsense.

 

And then I realized - over time - that I was investing WAAAAY more into thoughts about the marriage than she ever was. Once that little lightbulb clicks, it's like freedom. You free yourself, really.

 

But yes. Sorry for the long-winded answer.

 

I am not divorced BUT it was going that way last year.

 

I filed for sole custody of my daughter, husband had taken off for months. Struggling to make it by. Just a wreck.

 

Sobbing everyday etc etc etc.

 

It's natural and normal. The same way that cyanide is natural and normal and about as pleasant.

 

You brain takes about six months to really settle in with the "deep limbic injury" that losing a spouse is.

 

It is a very real phenomenon and very painful to deal with.

 

You go to a lot of dark places because your brain is constantly searching for the spouse that isn't there anymore. It's your brain's way of letting you know that you "should be" protecting helping (blah blah blah) your mate and her survival. The only problem is that your limbic system (emotional center) can't really have an articulate conversation with your prefrontal cortex letting it know that spouse ain't worth pursuing right now, or possibly ever.

 

So the limbic system, which is responsible for emotional regulation goes kind of nuts trying to adjust to the present circumstances by letting you know that your equilibrium is off and a problem needs to be solved. After that point it adjusts to the mate not being there anymore. Then levels go up enough to feel much better.

 

After that, if you get yourself in order and find a new mate, the oxytocin from that bond actually erases a lot if the emotional context from the old relationship.

 

That's part of why affairs can really crater a marriage too, the oxytocin with a new partner can really damage the context with the marital partner.

 

You'll pull through. But a lot of your days are going to be wonky until the clouds roll by.

 

I found doing self-improvement and working out to be great for helping me through this. Both help build up the limbic system.

[TailSpin75]

Thanks WGW and DOT... I do appreciate both the personal account and the technical explanation (I'm very analytical DOT so I am picking up what you're laying down).

 

WGW - [Quote: Man, in the first 3 months of all this, I remember going to work and having to duck into the bathroom to cry my eyes out. I was a wreck.

It felt like, "What am I doing working? This is petty! I should be...saving the marriage like Superman" or some such nonsense.]

It honestly feels like you're describing me over the past hour or so. Thank you for sharing and giving me a sense of 'normal' in this.

[worldgonewrong]

You're welcome.

Just remember - you're going to go through a run of days where it all feels like sheer torture, the inner turmoil, and then gradually you're going to think to yourself, "Well, I survived that day, didn't I?" and then "Jeez, look at all those days I survived!" and then you're going to realize what a tough inner core you have -- and from there, happiness will start to emerge.

[TailSpin75]

Thanks WGW - can't tell you how much I value your insight. Your story is pretty incredible and you've come an amazingly long way. As I've confessed before I know it to be a slow and long journey. Along the way, as you know, the tires to go flat and I appreciate your help in 'pumping them up'.