Own Worst Enemy Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I am ranting here instead of by text...... I am not your friend. You are certainly not my friend. If you are that desperate to hang onto me and call it "friendship" because of all the nice things I did for you, then look at why you are so short on friends. And go out and make some more. And treat them nicely. If it's me in particular, accept that your feelings are complex, can't be swept under the "friendship" carpet, and that you have a million and one issues about women and pr0n and sex and your mom that need to be worked on. We both know it's 99.9% the former. So it's your problem, not mine! In terms of NC, I had to send one final text, because he was brewing his usual 15 text string of reasons and lies, and I just didn't want to hear it. I mean, who would want to read a careful explanation of why they are only good for friendship? Especially when it's because your only crime is not to be a size 6 blonde pr0nstar. So I sent a one liner: "I am asking you not to respond to me." That should be the final nail in this rotting coffin. 2
Sari Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I am ranting here instead of by text...... I am not your friend. You are certainly not my friend. If you are that desperate to hang onto me and call it "friendship" because of all the nice things I did for you, then look at why you are so short on friends. And go out and make some more. And treat them nicely. If it's me in particular, accept that your feelings are complex, can't be swept under the "friendship" carpet, and that you have a million and one issues about women and pr0n and sex and your mom that need to be worked on. We both know it's 99.9% the former. So it's your problem, not mine! In terms of NC, I had to send one final text, because he was brewing his usual 15 text string of reasons and lies, and I just didn't want to hear it. I mean, who would want to read a careful explanation of why they are only good for friendship? Especially when it's because your only crime is not to be a size 6 blonde pr0nstar. So I sent a one liner: "I am asking you not to respond to me." That should be the final nail in this rotting coffin. Mate! What's going on?! I've been away for a few days and then see this?? He's been in touch then? And saying hideous things by the sounds of it? X
SuperSad09 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Good for you!! I know it's hard. My ex spews all this crap about being friends, etc. I'm proud you are staying strong - I am too! We will get through this together!
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 he still wanted to be friends. Stupidly I got sucked in, and there have been a few emails. He has been saying nice things, but all about wanting to be friends, not about anything real. Which irritated me. Clearly he was feeling a bit maudlin on holiday and it was all about him. So of course now I haven't heard from him since about 8pm his time yesterday, and am convinced that is because he met some amazing hot girl in the bar and has spent the last 12 hours getting laid. I don't know which I hate more, him or my brain! x
Coping Vortex Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 he still wanted to be friends. Stupidly I got sucked in, and there have been a few emails. He has been saying nice things, but all about wanting to be friends, not about anything real. Which irritated me. Clearly he was feeling a bit maudlin on holiday and it was all about him. So of course now I haven't heard from him since about 8pm his time yesterday, and am convinced that is because he met some amazing hot girl in the bar and has spent the last 12 hours getting laid. I don't know which I hate more, him or my brain! x I got the friends thing too. So juvenile. What's up with that? Guilt or cake and eat it too? It's amazing how typical dumpers are.
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 and also to keep the comfort of the relationship whilst they look for the excitement of something new. In my ex's particular case, he doesn't have any friends, and therefore he is the rare exception that actually means it. He genuinely thinks we can hang out and be best friends and have all the intimacy, but both date other people. I think this might be because he is on another planet. But it's also because I enable it by being sucked back into being nice to him. 1
Thunderchild Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 This "fetish" about (insincere) "friendship" after a breakup is simply another form of abusive/exploitative behaviour. Do not fall for it. If they want the intimacy without the commitment, then they are little more than emotional parasites. Tell them where to get off and then NC them! 5
bluefairy812 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) This post relates to how I feel! My ex keeps pleading to be friends and is genuinely upset that I haven't acknowledged any of his messages. I have told him a thousand times I can't be friends. I'm sure he really trying to relieve guilt!!!!!! AND he has a girlfriend. Lmao. I think he knows he could get his way with people so when he sees I'm not giving him the time of the day he gets mad. Or maybe he is just crazy or delusional. Edited February 22, 2013 by bluefairy812
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Not one word today. So now I am utterly convinced he met someone in a bar last night (he's currently on holiday in a massive pulling resort) and as a result I've gone from feeling fine to feeling utterly sick. I hate this! I HATE IT!
d0620 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 well at least you are not desperate like I was. He broke up with me, stopped talking to me, refused to answer my texts, and I begged for his friendship. smh sad
Sari Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Oh man. I don't know what to say! I know it's really hard to be honest with yourself in this situation, but do you think you would take him back, after everything you've said about his attitude and his behaviour? Because, not to get your hopes up (and really this shouldn't be a 'hopeful' thing anyway), it sounds to me like he's trying to worm his way back in to your heart/bed/life at the very least. You might have to make a very difficult decision... If I'm wrong and he truly does just want friendship... Then eff him!! He's insulted your looks, used you for sex, messed with your head and left you high and dry with barely a backwards glance, and now he clicks his fingers and you come running?! No no no monsieur. Cut this narcissistic prick off at the source, delete everything from him and ignore all contact. You know what you need to hear from him, and until he says it, he might as well say nothing. And you need to get back to healing!! Hope you're ok x 1
cavalier99 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Not one word today. So now I am utterly convinced he met someone in a bar last night (he's currently on holiday in a massive pulling resort) and as a result I've gone from feeling fine to feeling utterly sick. I hate this! I HATE IT! I'm sorta confused as to why you haven't blocked him and get sucked into text conversations. I mean ..come on. You know better than this. Do you want to get better or not? You have already got tons of good advise. Are you going to use it and stay NC? Your choice. Cav
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted February 24, 2013 Author Posted February 24, 2013 He is chasing a platonic friendship harder than most guys chase tail. But i do believe that's all he wants. If he were to say to me, I was a total fool, let's take it slowly then I would think about it, but he won't. He genuinely thinks we can put the bad stuff behind us and be mates. What he doesn't realise is that the only one having to swallow bad stuff is me! This is not ok. No. It's just so tempting to reply because the attachment is so strong still. And I'm useless. Still, i had a stupidly expensive haircut and manicure and have been out all weekend, so I'm not crying myself to sleep or anything! Have you heard from lunch boy again, s? That sounded to have Potential??! X
Thunderchild Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 (edited) What a great thread. I've printed out your quote from the Header - "I am not your friend. You are certainly not my friend....." and blu-tacked it to my monitor. Am I allowed to amend the contents for my own particular situation?? My ex (on reflection) is hugely narcissistic, impulsive and insecure, so there might be breadcrumbs heading my way in the future. She is pregnant by the other guy - whom she claims is no longer part of her life (I am not convinced), so her hormones and emotions will be all over the shop. She lives alone with her dogs, lives hundreds of miles away from her family, has various other issues in her life such as large debts (with legal actions/repossession of property pending) and a habit of turning up late for every meeting she goes to. She simply has no respect/consideration for others. So, I'm just dreading the 'feeling-sorry-for-myself' phases on the long lonely nights (that is if baby's father is really not around). As someone else on the boards said - "The day after we broke up her phone went a helluva lot quieter!" Luckily, I have a great deal of strength of character and a sizeable dollop of 'sheer bl**dy mindedness'. She knows that I am very tough-minded and quite savvy in terms of spotting emotional manipulation. Unfortunately, she is an 'instinctive' in terms of emotional manipulation. She does it, but I dont think she understands the mechanisms of how it works. So, I suspect she has no idea of how No Contact works as well. During the break up; when she eventually got round to confessing, she came up with a whole host of excuses for cheating - "it just happened" and "I was drunk" etc. I challenged her to take some responsibility for her actions. Hopefully, I've laid down a marker indicating that I am not prepared to listen to her sh*t. However, I can still foresee a need for a modified version of your excellent quote just to keep me on the pathway of No Contact. Respect & Admiration to you. Edited February 24, 2013 by Thunderchild 1
bluefairy812 Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 my ex is chasing friendship more than a guy chases tail too sucks. they need to get some new friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 3 massive long emails about being friends and how lack of sexual spark doesn't mean we can't be best friends but date other people... How about he reaches into my chest and rips out my heart and sets fire to it? That might hurt less!
Sari Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 3 massive long emails about being friends and how lack of sexual spark doesn't mean we can't be best friends but date other people... How about he reaches into my chest and rips out my heart and sets fire to it? That might hurt less! Sick!! I honestly can't believe he's sending you this stuff??!! Not only is it incredibly narcissistic of him to think that you would want to be friends with him after the way he's treated you, but also it totally belittles what you did have together, as he's acting like there were no deep feelings involved and of course you can just slide easily in to a warm friendship. What a twat I still think he's got another agenda here though. I think he wants you to break down and beg him to take you back, or at least get upset with him and let him know how much he's hurt you. I think he's craving some power in your life, and as you haven't contacted him, he's had to contact you under this charade of 'friendship'. Unfortunately I think the moment you get upset or ask about reconciliation, he'll hit you with the "hey, we're just friends, remember?" bullsh*t. God he is awful. x
Sari Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 He is chasing a platonic friendship harder than most guys chase tail. But i do believe that's all he wants. If he were to say to me, I was a total fool, let's take it slowly then I would think about it, but he won't. He genuinely thinks we can put the bad stuff behind us and be mates. What he doesn't realise is that the only one having to swallow bad stuff is me! This is not ok. No. It's just so tempting to reply because the attachment is so strong still. And I'm useless. Still, i had a stupidly expensive haircut and manicure and have been out all weekend, so I'm not crying myself to sleep or anything! Have you heard from lunch boy again, s? That sounded to have Potential??! X Well done on the busy weekend/haircut/manicure combo! You're doing the right thing keeping busy etc. I bet you look lovely pet Re lunch boy we went for group drinks on Friday night and had a lovely time, but 1) there are some red flags from his side, he's 36 and never had a long-term relationship, when I asked why he said he's too emotionally unstable , and too picky and doesn't want to 'settle' for someone... Now, I don't wanna seem like a dog with a bone with this 'commitmentphobe' thing, but... 2) I am just sooper dooper not over my ex. I seem to have gone really low again this weekend, also I'm v ill and run down, which is making me feel worse. I can see all the reasons why he isn't good for me (or actually good for anything but drowning in a bucket), but I just feel v low and weepy. Urgh!! x
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 and making him think that friendship is possible. But really, his views would be untenable even if I didn't feel the way I do. The problem now is that I am waaaaay back where I was when NC started 7 weeks ago. I feel utterly horrific and crushed. Stupid stupid bstard. How he can not see that he has thrown away the best thing he ever had, just because it didn't look quite like his ideal. Urgh. I think you've had a massive learning curve. That's a big wavy red flag right there. If you're burning in the frying pan, no point jumping into the fire! I am sorry that you are feeling so crp too. It's really horrible. I just want to go and drink champagne and forget all about his horrid face, and I'm sure you're feeling exactly the same! x
Sari Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 and making him think that friendship is possible. But really, his views would be untenable even if I didn't feel the way I do. The problem now is that I am waaaaay back where I was when NC started 7 weeks ago. I feel utterly horrific and crushed. Stupid stupid bstard. How he can not see that he has thrown away the best thing he ever had, just because it didn't look quite like his ideal. Urgh. I think you've had a massive learning curve. That's a big wavy red flag right there. If you're burning in the frying pan, no point jumping into the fire! I am sorry that you are feeling so crp too. It's really horrible. I just want to go and drink champagne and forget all about his horrid face, and I'm sure you're feeling exactly the same! x Ok, you have 2 options i reckon: 1) send him a message asking him exactly what he wants, and if it's just friendship, you're not interested because you had strong feelings for him and he treated you really shabbily. OR 2) just block his email and number without prior warning. I know everyone on here would disagree with my first option, but much as I am an advocator of NC, I feel it never works if you've left things unsaid. If I hadn't told my stinking lousy ex that I still loved him and wanted to try again one last time back in January, I'd still be agonising over it now. I don't think there's anything wrong with being clear about what you want, as long as you keep your dignity and don't resort to begging or getting abusive. That way, you can move forward knowing you gave it your best shot, and their abiding memory of you will be as a mature, confident woman who knows her own mind. Also, you still obviously have really strong feelings for him, which I can totally relate to, I would find it so hard not to respond if I were in your shoes. But if it turns out he really does just want friendship and is narcissistic enough not to understand why that would be hell on earth for you, you gotta put that puppy down!! If he wants to get back together (and I don't think he necessarily does but he's obviously missing you, most friends would just send a casual 'hey how's it going', not 3 long emails in a row and 20 texts!!), then you'll have to make another decision... But possibly with your head and not your heart... Yeah I wish I could forget my ex's stupid monkey face... Unfortunately the only thing I'm drinking today is lemsip
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 We've exchanged many long and heated viewpoints today. He desperately wants friendship, but that is definitely all he wants. He says that it doesn't make him a bad person because he has a preference for thin girls, and that doesn't make them better than me, it just means that they are his preference. Well, my preference is not to be friends with someone who makes me feel like a sack of cr.ap-apples. You are heading up for 40 years old. Stop basing your decisions on a 20 year old's judgment, you t0sser. It would be a million times better for my self-esteem if he only wanted s.ex like most people's ex's!!!!!!!!!! Urgh to the Lemsip. Put some brandy in it. That'll improve it AND help with the monkey face brainwashing... x
LostGirl11 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 We've exchanged many long and heated viewpoints today. He desperately wants friendship, but that is definitely all he wants. He says that it doesn't make him a bad person because he has a preference for thin girls, and that doesn't make them better than me, it just means that they are his preference. Well, my preference is not to be friends with someone who makes me feel like a sack of cr.ap-apples. You are heading up for 40 years old. Stop basing your decisions on a 20 year old's judgment, you t0sser. It would be a million times better for my self-esteem if he only wanted s.ex like most people's ex's!!!!!!!!!! Urgh to the Lemsip. Put some brandy in it. That'll improve it AND help with the monkey face brainwashing... x This would make me cringe and run for the hills! 1
Sari Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 We've exchanged many long and heated viewpoints today. He desperately wants friendship, but that is definitely all he wants. He says that it doesn't make him a bad person because he has a preference for thin girls, and that doesn't make them better than me, it just means that they are his preference. Well, my preference is not to be friends with someone who makes me feel like a sack of cr.ap-apples. You are heading up for 40 years old. Stop basing your decisions on a 20 year old's judgment, you t0sser. It would be a million times better for my self-esteem if he only wanted s.ex like most people's ex's!!!!!!!!!! Urgh to the Lemsip. Put some brandy in it. That'll improve it AND help with the monkey face brainwashing... x He doesn't sound very bright to me! He sounds like a complete moron with the thought processes of a 13 year old boy!! He's been so rude to you about your figure and made you feel like sh*t so many times. And it's beside the point but you're not fat AT ALL. I told you my previous ex put me through the same crapola, if only you were a stone lighter blah blah. Nothing is ever good enough for a commitmentphobe, they will always find a reason to RUN. And my ex came crawling back time and again, obviously forgetting what a monstrous she-beast I was in the meantime! Tbh, I think he sounds like a f*cking dick who doesn't deserve to hear anything from you but 'goodbye'. How dare he be so rude about you then come sniffing around for friendship?! Come on, give him a kick up the bum, blank his pathetic messages and show him you are not to be trifled with. Then get back to healing, this is setting you right back!! Big hugs x
Author Own Worst Enemy Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 I am a total wreck today; he got back in touch, made me feel like there might be more to it, only to take it away for pathetic reasons. I did say that he thinks like a 20 year old, and that he will look back in years to come and agree with me. But he won't see it that way. He is too busy banging on about how just because he'd rather eat an apple than a banana, an apple isn't a better fruit, it's just his personal taste, and that doesn't make him a bad person. Er. YES IT DOES. (Lucky he doesn't want to eat a banana, given that he is more of a Cadbury's finger kind of guy, if you know what I mean...) Your posts have helped me to feel a lot better, especially today. Hopefully I will get my sense of humour back a bit tomorrow. Sorry you're feeling so down too. I'm sure the cold can't help, but it really is the worst feeling in the world. They are so not worth this. We should get all the local LoveShack girls together and go out drinking! x
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