A different view of physical attraction

[ThaWholigan]

I don't mean I can do better. I mean there's a subconscious thought that it'd be nice to have someone a bit more physically attractive. SUBCONSCIOUS. Notice I didn't ask for advice here on what to do.

 

Consciously, I abolish all thoughts. She's really cool and we have a lot in common. And we're not exclusive yet.

 

That won't help unfortunately. Those thoughts will continue to come back if you refuse to acknowledge them. I tell you what will help though - accepting that you have those thoughts. It's actually a backwards way but if you accept that you have those thoughts, you will actually have greater conscious control over them - that's if you know exactly how to deal with your subconscious mind properly, and if you recognize that it doesn't make you shallow.

 

I accept that I have thoughts about physically attractive women (at least those who are to me). I don't try to force them out of my mind - it creates unnecessary conflict. Accepting them gives me greater control over how I experience attraction. I don't have complete control - attraction is a gut reaction for me, it's instinctive in it's true nature as I have studied myself - but I have enough that I am not controlled by my attraction or my emotions. But I accept that they are there.

[candie13]

If you've only had vacant pretty boys then anything is better...

 

oh, and I've never said that the guys before were all "vacant pretty boys" - even if I may have been thinking of a specific one I've dated shortly, last summer. What I meant was how I am evaluating the current dating world (e.g. random conversation with strangers in bar... total turn off, even the thought of it, no matter how good looking they may be). And given that we're on the verge of making it or breaking it, feeling this about my potentially new "freedom"... is strange, if you knew me .

 

Nor did I say my current date was "unattractive". Only that sometimes, thoughts like "I may be able to do better" do pass through my head

[xxoo]

And even now, I keep on switching from "I like him" to "I don't like him, I'm not sure". It's called protection. You may try to protect yourself, because you like her - and it has nothing to do with looks. And that is scary stuff - to me, at least!

 

That's really interesting! So basically, knocking the person down a few pegs because liking them soooo much feels vulnerable?

[candie13]

what do you mean "knocking them down "? I am not evaluating "him", I am evaluating how I feel about him. hope that makes sense

Edited February 22, 2013 by candie13

[xxoo]

what do you mean "knocking them down "? I am not evaluating "him", I am evaluating how I feel about him. hope that makes sense

 

Knocking him down in your head, I meant...not trying to make him feel bad.

 

Trying to convince yourself that he isn't all that great, in case it doesn't work out.

[candie13]

Yes, that is exactly it!! I am constantly talking myself into him not being all that great, then he calls... and I sort of forget all that ! I am not going to share with you how our last fight happened, you'll think I am 16. Actually, it's just ... a bit of scare, from my side. My friend told me I need to either fight it or let the guy go. Makes sense.

[xxoo]

Yes, that is exactly it!! I am constantly talking myself into him not being all that great, then he calls... and I sort of forget all that

 

So interesting!

 

I've done the same with a house I really want....or a job I really want. I try not to get my hopes up by coming up with all sorts of reasons it isn't so great. Never works

[AD1980]

I do the same thing in regards to attracting women i tell myself no way its gonna happen to not set myself up for disappoointment..and since i get nothing but rejections i havent been disappointed yet:D

[candie13]

So interesting!

 

I've done the same with a house I really want....or a job I really want. I try not to get my hopes up by coming up with all sorts of reasons it isn't so great. Never works

 

hate it when u'r right

[Els]

IMO there is nothing wrong with physical discrimination as long as one is not falsely assuming that he can control it and telling everyone else that they should as well.

 

Attraction (notice I did not say physical per se - everyone has different grounds for attraction) is NOT controllable - you can NOT control who you are attracted to. It can develop over time as you get to know the person, yes, or it can fade, and you can choose how you act on your attraction. But you can NOT control it. As all the guys have proven by ignoring the obese woman in my link, you can NOT go up to just anybody, tell yourself, "Hey I want to find him/her attractive!" and bingo you do. It does not work that way, and anyone who thinks it does is just deluding him/herself. As his/her subconscious will reveal.

[man_in_the_box]

So, I don't buy the 'we can't help who we are attracted to'. Maybe for some, but not for all.

 

I suppose this is the underlying message of the thread? I certainly understand the anecdotal stories of how attraction towards a particular person is highly variable. It happens to me all the time. Ranging from women I thought were good-looking who did nothing for me anymore (temporary) and vica versa when someone I never really thought was attractive all of a sudden looks good. And it happens with people I know very well to people I sometimes see at the library, at the gym, etc. etc. And the timespans of increased/decreased attraction can vary from minutes to months. It appears a very dynamic concept.

 

Then again it's more a matter of someone being more aligned with what you personally find attractive on that specific moment than that you subconsciously alter your perception of attractiveness. And yes, personality or other non-exterior aspects can play a huge role.

 

So all-in-all, I don't think it's that we can help what were attracted to (I really cannot) but the way we perceive people they constantly shift in and out of what we find attractive.