xxoo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 People who are in love do not look at their lover's photos and think, "maybe I can do better". Big agree! It isn't the same as being in the honeymoon phase forever. At some point, you might look at a photo and feel deep love instead of deep lust. But to look at a photo of the one you love and think "maybe I can do better" is so outside my experience, I don't even understand. His face is THE face I love. 2
serial muse Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I give credit to the poster for at least introducing a rare thought here amongst all the boring posts...And to this all I can say is: yes even the hottest girl does become mundane- and vice versa for girls I'm sure. But that wasn't the OP's point at all. 1
xxoo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I do think that attraction can come and go, but for me that has far more to do with the emotional component than the physical appearance. Examples: Meet hot guy, get weak in the knees, but it wears off because his personality is a turn-off. Meet average guy, feel nothing, but develop strong lust because his personality is sexy (difficult to define what makes it "sexy"....can be different with different people). Meet guy, have attraction, date, marry, have babies, life intervenes, grow apart, argue, build resentment, lose attraction because of emotional decline (not personal experience, but common scenario) Same as above, go to marriage counseling, work on problems, grow closer, "rekindle" the romance, and feel incredible attraction again The only time it is physically based is when I'm ovulating, and then I seem to find everyone physically attractive for a day or two But it wears off again as my general horniness subsides. 1
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 But that wasn't the OP's point at all. It was actually my point. Read my OP again.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Big agree! It isn't the same as being in the honeymoon phase forever. At some point, you might look at a photo and feel deep love instead of deep lust. But to look at a photo of the one you love and think "maybe I can do better" is so outside my experience, I don't even understand. His face is THE face I love. That is great! And that is a goal I'm working on, to be totally devoid of physical discrimination. I hate it. I hate judging people on looks. I hate meeting a cool gal and thinking, 'eh, she's not that attractive.' I know that's impossible, but I'll get as close as I can.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Just to let you know, this post started as I was looking at pictures of my own 'girlfriend' thinking maybe she wasn't THAT attractive and that I could maybe do better. Yes, I get those STUPID thoughts just like everybody else. But I choose to dispel those thoughts because she is an awesome person and we have a lot in common. So, THAT was my agenda. Oh wow. And a week ago, you were whining about how you can't get a girlfriend. Now you have one and you wonder if you can do better? I will give you a hint. SHE can do a lot better. 1
danny in van Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Big agree! It isn't the same as being in the honeymoon phase forever. At some point, you might look at a photo and feel deep love instead of deep lust. But to look at a photo of the one you love and think "maybe I can do better" is so outside my experience, I don't even understand. His face is THE face I love. And when and IF you fall out of love? it happens at least sometimes that personality, character, and/or look you once loved doesn't do it for you anymore. OR they turned into a freak. But if you just' fall out of love' for no particular reason (which does happen) means any or all aspects of them - including the physical them- got tiresome in some way.
danny in van Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 That is great! And that is a goal I'm working on, to be totally devoid of physical discrimination. I hate it. I hate judging people on looks. I hate meeting a cool gal and thinking, 'eh, she's not that attractive.' I know that's impossible, but I'll get as close as I can. why even try to be devoid of physical discrimination? It's another way to describe denial/ repression- which is not something to aspire to. The truth will out at some point. IE I see someone who is a slob and I'm supposed to feel the same lust/ attraction that I do to someone who takes pride in themselves? Doesn't make any sense -but it is PC, I'll give you that! (other people will think well of you, if that's reason enough to live a lie!)
xxoo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 That is great! And that is a goal I'm working on, to be totally devoid of physical discrimination. I hate it. I hate judging people on looks. I hate meeting a cool gal and thinking, 'eh, she's not that attractive.' I know that's impossible, but I'll get as close as I can. I'm not devoid of physical discrimination. It still plays a part.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 If All men based relationships on pure physical attraction... I would be screwed. I look like hit most days and my man has no problem being attracted to me. Hmmmm maybe it's the fact that I am just THAT awesome. Wait.. That can't be it, because relationships don't last without attraction and attraction doesn't have much to do with personality. Ugh. And that is why personality to ME is far more important. We all have ****ty days, but my man is so amazing that he is always super hot to me. Even when I shave his back hairs.... Rofl
serial muse Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 It was actually my point. Read my OP again. No need. But I'll go ahead and quote it, below. In all honesty, I suspect that the part of danny in van's post that you agree with was specifically this: I give credit to the poster for at least introducing a rare thought here amongst all the boring posts... That is certainly is a sentiment you yourself have often expressed. For example, in your OP: Of course, as usual, I submit to the possibility that I am the only person on Earth that thinks as I do. I put it to you, though, that the concept of the fluctuation of attraction in a relationship is not at all a thought that is rare at LS. Happens all the time. The part that I didn't think you were saying was this part: And to this all I can say is: yes even the hottest girl does become mundane- and vice versa for girls I'm sure. What to take from this: never assume 'he'll love me forever...' Better not to do that. Instead remember only ma loves you unconditionally- everyone else CAN and SHOULD be dumped if they let themselves go- or become mean etc Also it's simply one of lives cruel jokes with no explanation that what once we get what we crave it's often not as good as we hoped. And attraction coming and going: same thing- one of life's odd jokes! Seriously? That is like the opposite of your point. This poster is suggesting that the wavering of attraction is normal and in fact positive, if it indicates that one partner has let him- or herself go. Um. But I thought your entire point was that this is somewhat controllable, and in fact that people shouldn't be so shallow. So, come on now. You guys aren't on the same page at all. Anyway, the point of the story is that, looks are variable. There have been days where I thought every one of my exes looked ugly. Every single one. And there are days when I thought every single one looked cute. But I control it. I don't go asking on online forums if I should dump my girlfriend because she looked bad one week. So, I don't buy the 'we can't help who we are attracted to'. ...snip... That is why the yes/no view to attraction has ALWAYS boggled my mind. 1
xxoo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I can't make attraction out of no attraction. But if even a glimmer is there....I can make something of that. I can actively nurture it and let it grow. If it is strong and I don't want it, I can also do something about that. I can starve it, and it will fade.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Oh wow. And a week ago, you were whining about how you can't get a girlfriend. Now you have one and you wonder if you can do better? I will give you a hint. SHE can do a lot better. I don't mean I can do better. I mean there's a subconscious thought that it'd be nice to have someone a bit more physically attractive. SUBCONSCIOUS. Notice I didn't ask for advice here on what to do. Consciously, I abolish all thoughts. She's really cool and we have a lot in common. And we're not exclusive yet. But hey, let's all bash me and make me feel like sh@t for making the mistake of being candid here. You're right. I'm a horrible person. And I'm breaking up with her so that I can go on my quest to date Marissa Tomei. 1
xxoo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I don't mean I can do better. I mean there's a subconscious thought that it'd be nice to have someone a bit more physically attractive. SUBCONSCIOUS. Notice I didn't ask for advice here on what to do. Here's my theory.... Men tend to wonder if they can do better when the woman does the initial approaching.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Here's my theory.... Men tend to wonder if they can do better when the woman does the initial approaching. She didn't approach. I asked her out because she was really cool. 1
xxoo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Oh, I thought you said differently on your last thread? Can't keep track!
PJKino Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Here's my theory.... Men tend to wonder if they can do better when the woman does the initial approaching. What kind of logic is that?
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) BTW, this thread has showed me how bad the judgemental hypocrisy is on this board (not by all posters, mind you), and probably I've contributed as much as anybody. God, freakin pass judgements and make people feel like sh@t for sharing emotions about people they genuinely like. For what point? To prove your point is right? To win an argument with an anonymous stranger? To kill time at work? Well, no more for me. That is all. I'm done. Edited February 21, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
PJKino Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Hunter logic! I dont buy it at all..You're really reaching there imo
Necris Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Right. The point you are making plays more to my belief than it does to yours. They *want* to, yes, but often, not consciously. In your example of the rich man, the other woman had other attributes, so he was more attracted to her. She made him feel things the other didn't. He did not choose to feel those things. In other words, you don't process emotional input like a machine. You just react. You can't trick yourself into feeling things you don't feel/don't want to feel. Your mind processes emotions and you just go with them. I don't know about you but I do choose who I want to be attracted to, and its pretty easy, comes completely natural. Of course maybe some people are led around not by logic but by their fleeting ever changing emotions, in either way you are sill in control, you have the choice of just being led by your emotions or your logic. If someone feels that they always make bad choices in dating because they follow their emotions they can always make the choice to switch to using more rational thinking, unfortunately they really don't want to, the women you see who always go after guys who treat them bad, they actually love the drama.
jma500 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I don't know about you but I do choose who I want to be attracted to, and its pretty easy, comes completely natural. Of course maybe some people are led around not by logic but by their fleeting ever changing emotions, in either way you are sill in control, you have the choice of just being led by your emotions or your logic. If someone feels that they always make bad choices in dating because they follow their emotions they can always make the choice to switch to using more rational thinking, unfortunately they really don't want to, the women you see who always go after guys who treat them bad, they actually love the drama. Agreed. I think the problem here is that the posters whom have said attraction is not a choice actually have it confused with lust. But lust is only a small part of attraction. there are other more important factors involved. Lust alone is what causes poor judgement.
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I don't mean I can do better. I mean there's a subconscious thought that it'd be nice to have someone a bit more physically attractive. SUBCONSCIOUS. Notice I didn't ask for advice here on what to do. Consciously, I abolish all thoughts. She's really cool and we have a lot in common. And we're not exclusive yet. Nothing wrong with being honest with yourself. I was often thinking that my date isn't the best looking guy I ever dated and ... even thought... secretly... I could do a lot better - physically. But he has this infuriating, stubborn personality that makes the rest of the pretty boys around look somewhat stale and... boring . And even now, I keep on switching from "I like him" to "I don't like him, I'm not sure". It's called protection. You may try to protect yourself, because you like her - and it has nothing to do with looks. And that is scary stuff - to me, at least!
danny in van Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 If you've only had vacant pretty boys then anything is better...But an unattractive guy who's stubborn and infuriating should be a pitstop at best!
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 nothing quite like someone to have decent fights with, I tell you that :D ! 1
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