jma500 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) I disagree. Attraction is NOT a choice. Acting on it is, big difference . I have felt very much attracted to some guys (they did have me at "hello" and I knew my judgement would be skewed. I did NOT let it show. I did NOT act on it and I certainly did NOT jump to sex. What I did was left - was way too hot anyways. Let time pass and waited to meet that person again) but it doesn't mean I went out with them. Judgement. But I can tell you one thing. When I had the hots that way about a guy, all the rest of the masculine population of the planet was inexistent . Sad to behave like a 16 years old, but true. Sometimes the guys understood I was an easy target and ask me out. Other times I was smart enough to remove myself from that situation. I wish I could choose to have my panties moist about a guy I know for a fact to be nice, reliable, secure financial situation, good genes and decent parents. I can't. I feel attracted by a guy for how he is, how he smells, the confidence he gives off, how he looks at me, wicked sense of humor, confidence, brilliant mind, kind and cynical at the same time, not because he is nice, secure, decent job and good family. nice assumption. I neither stated nor implied anything about being nice. if you knew me you would know I am nether nice nor bad. simply something in between. I am opinionated and not afraid to speak my mind. I also don't blame anyone else for my singleness which is my own fault. Attraction has to be more than feelings alone. there also has to be a rational thought process involved. if not then it is like a former tenant of mine who loved her husband even though he beat and controlled her regularly yet she wouldn't leave him. even when he was killed in an accident she cried for him in my office. Edited February 21, 2013 by jma500
ThaWholigan Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I don't know if you can actively choose who you are attracted to - I think that is reserved for those who are less aroused by physical attributes than others. It's possible that some people can choose, but I know for a fact there are those who can't. I admit - I flip-flop inbetween being able to choose and not being able to choose. There are girls I've known who I have had literally an uncontrollable attraction to - I didn't choose to be, but I was. There are girls though who I have seen in a more attractive light, but then again, I didn't force myself to choose them or force myself to see them attractively. I think the truth, as always, lies somewhere in between - sitting on that fence that people seem to hate, yet the fence is usually the place where the truth sits. Take off your extreme goggles and look at the bigger picture - realize that within the paradigm of classic human behavior, lies individuals on varying points of the spectrum. 1
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) I just have this weird feeling that this thread was started so that bitter guys would try to convince women to force themselves to be attracted to them even if they are not I don't need you to do anything for me honey. I have a girlfriend. I find it funny how people associate 'thinking outside the box' and being 'less shallow' with bitterness. Edited February 21, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
candie13 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I think most reasonably rational people who have been in LTRs know this, honestly. When you've been with someone for years, you've likely seen them at their worst. You've seen them looking like a zombie in bed with the flu, you've seen them with their face all splotchy from crying and snot running down their nose, you've seen them in a dirty tee with their hair all mussed up while spring-cleaning the house. I don't think most people in such a situation come onto online forums asking if they should dump their partners. he did not even date that chick. You cannot compare the complicity of a long relationship to the doubts of the beginnings, because in the case of a long relationship, there is the emotional past that is the engine. In JJS's case, we're talking about a mere fling, for the moment. Can't compare apples and oranges.
Yamaha Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) I should state once your emotionally vested then everything changes but when first meeting a person you choose if you want to continue the encounter. Edited February 21, 2013 by Yamaha spelling
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 So, how's that been working for you and women? If you were single and, say, this woman has been hitting on you, and you know from previous interaction that she's sweet, kind, loyal, down-to-earth, and would be an all-around decent gf. Could you use this technique of yours to 'make' yourself attracted to her? Same question goes to Necris. And JJS. If you read my post carefully, you'll see that the MAIN point is that everybody is attractive to an extent, and everybody is unattractive to an extent. So, if I wasn't CRAZY attracted to a woman, yes I could make myself more attracted. It ain't YES or NO, like so many people make it out to be. It may be for YOU (I don't mean you), but not the entire human race.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 he did not even date that chick. You cannot compare the complicity of a long relationship to the doubts of the beginnings, because in the case of a long relationship, there is the emotional past that is the engine. In JJS's case, we're talking about a mere fling, for the moment. Can't compare apples and oranges. I don't have 'flings' It's either relationship or rejection.
candie13 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 By fling, I meant a crush (non English speaker here). That initial stage where you simply look at someone from a distance, evaluating her, before asking her out - which may lead to one of the two choices you've mentioned. You don't date that girl, no? I've understood the situation correctly?
Els Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 If you read my post carefully, you'll see that the MAIN point is that everybody is attractive to an extent, and everybody is unattractive to an extent. So, if I wasn't CRAZY attracted to a woman, yes I could make myself more attracted. It ain't YES or NO, like so many people make it out to be. It may be for YOU (I don't mean you), but not the entire human race. So the girl I linked isn't a 'no', she's a 'maybe, cause she's attractive to an extent'? he did not even date that chick. You cannot compare the complicity of a long relationship to the doubts of the beginnings, because in the case of a long relationship, there is the emotional past that is the engine. In JJS's case, we're talking about a mere fling, for the moment. Can't compare apples and oranges. Yeah, true. It just feels like I'm being told that the sun rises in the east, is all.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 So the girl I linked isn't a 'no', she's a 'maybe, cause she's attractive to an extent'? Yeah, true. It just feels like I'm being told that the sun rises in the east, is all. So, what are you saying? That for a lot of women average, fit guys are like completely overweight, out of shape women in their 50s in the sense that they are completely unattractive?
Els Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 everybody is attractive to an extent if I wasn't CRAZY attracted to a woman, yes I could make myself more attracted It ain't YES or NO Surely you see the contradiction in your post. You gave this woman an immediate 'no'. So what's up with the 'everybody is attractive to an extent', 'I can make myself more attracted to her', 'it ain't a straight up NO' business? Or does she not count as 'everybody'? But, no, it's all about the 'average' guys, isn't it? Not about the principle of attraction at all. We should all be able to make ourselves attracted to 'average guys' even if we aren't attracted to them. But this shouldn't apply to men and women whom they're not attracted to.
SteveC80 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Attraction is not a choice..its a natural reaction you get whitin seconds[physically] then chemsitry comes in or doesnt If i see a girl and my first natural reaction is ewww theyres no shot im ever gonna be attracted to her no matter how great her personality is I think the whole attraction is somethign you can cotnrol or build up is an excuse for average or ugly people who cant get partner they are really physically attracted to and have to trick themsleves and their minds into being attracted to mediocre people whod say yes to them I know its not pc to say but its the truth 2
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Surely you see the contradiction in your post. You gave this woman an immediate 'no'. So what's up with the 'everybody is attractive to an extent', 'I can make myself more attracted to her', 'it ain't a straight up NO' business? Or does she not count as 'everybody'? But, no, it's all about the 'average' guys, isn't it? Not about the principle of attraction at all. We should all be able to make ourselves attracted to 'average guys' even if we aren't attracted to them. But this shouldn't apply to men and women whom they're not attracted to. You know. You're picking apart like little things in all my posts. If you read my OP, it's just to get people to think outside the box a little more. I'm not a prosecutor trying to put together an airtight case. I don't care what women do. I have a girlfriend now. You're right. You win. I'll stop posting anything that has anything to do with trying to be less shallow and trying to look at physical looks less. It seems to make everybody want to puke anyway. I make a promise to you that I will never post anything more like this here ever again.
Els Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 You know. You're picking apart like little things in all my posts. If you read my OP, it's just to get people to think outside the box a little more. I'm not a prosecutor trying to put together an airtight case. I don't care what women do. I have a girlfriend now. You're right. You win. I'll stop posting anything that has anything to do with trying to be less shallow and trying to look at physical looks less. It seems to make everybody want to puke anyway. I make a promise to you that I will never post anything more like this here ever again. It's perfectly fine to post when you actually mean what you post, instead of trying to direct it at a particular demographic with a hidden agenda. And all the dudes jumping on it with THEIR hidden agenda. I'm still waiting to see if Capt Jack's technique holds up with my link.
jma500 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Attraction is not a choice..its a natural reaction you get whitin seconds[physically] then chemsitry comes in or doesnt If i see a girl and my first natural reaction is ewww theyres no shot im ever gonna be attracted to her no matter how great her personality is I think the whole attraction is somethign you can cotnrol or build up is an excuse for average or ugly people who cant get partner they are really physically attracted to and have to trick themsleves and their minds into being attracted to mediocre people whod say yes to them I know its not pc to say. but its the truth your concept of the truth only. BTW when you say eww I could never be attracted to her you just made a choice whether to be attracted or not.
SteveC80 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 your concept of the truth only. BTW when you say eww I could never be attracted to her you just made a choice whether to be attracted or not. It wasnt a choice its a natural reaction that happens whitin milliseconds when i first look at a womens face and body its not something i do purposely or strategically
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 It's perfectly fine to post when you actually mean what you post, instead of trying to direct it at a particular demographic with a hidden agenda. And all the dudes jumping on it with THEIR hidden agenda. I'm still waiting to see if Capt Jack's technique holds up with my link. Just to let you know, this post started as I was looking at pictures of my own 'girlfriend' thinking maybe she wasn't THAT attractive and that I could maybe do better. Yes, I get those STUPID thoughts just like everybody else. But I choose to dispel those thoughts because she is an awesome person and we have a lot in common. So, THAT was my agenda.
Els Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Just to let you know, this post started as I was looking at pictures of my own 'girlfriend' thinking maybe she wasn't THAT attractive and that I could maybe do better. Yes, I get those STUPID thoughts just like everybody else. But I choose to dispel those thoughts because she is an awesome person and we have a lot in common. So, THAT was my agenda. Uhhhh. That's just you. I've never done the bolded with my bf, ever. Neither have many of the people here, I'll wager. 2
candie13 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 your concept of the truth only. BTW when you say eww I could never be attracted to her you just made a choice whether to be attracted or not. nope, the choice was if to admit the attraction or not. Sometimes feelings aren't that black and white. you need to think about it. And what are you thinking about? You're trying to figure out your feelings, if you like them or not . Or if you allow yourself to like them or not. Mind you, there are a lot of people not so good looking, who are very attractive. And a lot of people of the opposite sex won't allow themselves to be "attracted" to that, because they "think" they can do better. Denial, if you ask me. They are listening to their judgement and not their feelings. Attraction plays dirty tricks on all of us - the pretty and the less pretty.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Uhhhh. That's just you. I've never done the bolded with my bf, ever. Neither have many of the people here, I'll wager. If you truly believe that, fine. The posts here say the contrary, and I can pull tons of examples. But whatever, you're right. I don't care. Why should I? I'm done with this topic.
jma500 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 nope, the choice was if to admit the attraction or not. Sometimes feelings aren't that black and white. you need to think about it. And what are you thinking about? You're trying to figure out your feelings, if you like them or not . Or if you allow yourself to like them or not. Mind you, there are a lot of people not so good looking, who are very attractive. And a lot of people of the opposite sex won't allow themselves to be "attracted" to that, because they "think" they can do better. Denial, if you ask me. They are listening to their judgement and not their feelings. Attraction plays dirty tricks on all of us - the pretty and the less pretty. Maybe so. but I will never stop believing that rational thought must always be involved. maybe if my former tenant used it she wouldn't have become a punching bag for her husband. to see her weeping, obviously terrified of him, and bruised with black eyes really bothered me. still does. That's I believe in rational thought so much.
Els Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 If you truly believe that, fine. The posts here say the contrary, and I can pull tons of examples. But whatever, you're right. I don't care. Why should I? I'm done with this topic. Dude, I can pull up tons of examples of people who cheated on their spouses too. Doesn't mean that there aren't also lots of people who don't. Obviously if you're going to look for examples of something you will find it - it says nothing about how prevalent it is. Frankly, I think it's slightly worrisome that at this early stage in your R, presumably the honeymoon phase, you're doing the whole 'Maybe I can do better' thing. It says a lot about the fact that the people who rail the most against 'leagues' are the ones who themselves are consumed by them, more than they realize. Acting like a petulant child when people attempt to engage you in genuine discussion doesn't really help either.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) Dude, I can pull up tons of examples of people who cheated on their spouses too. Doesn't mean that there aren't also lots of people who don't. Obviously if you're going to look for examples of something you will find it - it says nothing about how prevalent it is. Frankly, I think it's slightly worrisome that at this early stage in your R, presumably the honeymoon phase, you're doing the whole 'Maybe I can do better' thing. It says a lot about the fact that the people who rail the most against 'leagues' are the ones who themselves are consumed by them, more than they realize. Acting like a petulant child when people attempt to engage you in genuine discussion doesn't really help either. You're the one who is contradicting. You're defending people who choose and reject based on physical attraction alone and saying that is their right because they can't control it. Yet, you're totally lambasting me for having uncontrollable thoughts about somebody I like, yet attempting to control them. Let's not pussyfoot here. You're totally blasting me. You don't like me. I see that. You're totally attempting to get under my skin. Block me. That is my suggestion. That is a better solution. Edited February 21, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
Els Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 You're the one who is contradicting. You're defending people who choose and reject based on physical attraction alone and saying that is their right because they can't control it. Yet, you're totally lambasting me for having uncontrollable thoughts about somebody I like, yet attempting to control them. Let's not pussyfoot here. You're totally blasting me. You don't like me. I see that. You're totally attempting to get under my skin. Block me. That is my suggestion. That is a better solution. No, I don't dislike you, honestly. I'm simply pointing out flaws in your logic - very obvious ones. I am saying that if anyone feels people should not choose and reject based on physical attraction, they should not do so themselves. Hence the obese woman that I cited. You may talk about how it is an 'unfair' comparison - but lack of attraction is lack of attraction. Just as how you guys can't control not being attracted to that woman, so also can women not control whom they are attracted to, as Necris and Capt Jack are suggesting they do. A principle is only applicable when it can be applicable across the board. I'm not lambasting you for having 'uncontrollable thoughts', I'm saying that if you're having them at all about a girl in your honeymoon phase, you are either not attracted to her and are forcing the issue (which does not bode well), or you have some personal issues that you may want to sort out. People who are in love do not look at their lover's photos and think, "maybe I can do better". If you NEED to control such thoughts you need to ask yourself why.
danny in van Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Just to let you know, this post started as I was looking at pictures of my own 'girlfriend' thinking maybe she wasn't THAT attractive and that I could maybe do better. Yes, I get those STUPID thoughts just like everybody else. But I choose to dispel those thoughts because she is an awesome person and we have a lot in common. So, THAT was my agenda. I give credit to the poster for at least introducing a rare thought here amongst all the boring posts...And to this all I can say is: yes even the hottest girl does become mundane- and vice versa for girls I'm sure. What to take from this: never assume 'he'll love me forever...' Better not to do that. Instead remember only ma loves you unconditionally- everyone else CAN and SHOULD be dumped if they let themselves go- or become mean etc Also it's simply one of lives cruel jokes with no explanation that what once we get what we crave it's often not as good as we hoped. And attraction coming and going: same thing- one of life's odd jokes!
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