A different view of physical attraction

[MrCastle]

Shooting your girlfriend dead through the door of a bathroom is also based on sheer emotions, but it is a choice you make. Most people wisely avoid that choice.

 

We all have sheer emotions. We can live logically or through our emotions. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm just pointing out that people say "NOBODY can control who they are attracted to." In reality, "YOU can't control who you are attracted to because you choose not to." Which is all fine and dandy as long you like the results.

 

Ok, so, have yourself a "logical" relationship then. Have one that looks good on paper, and keep telling yourself you are attracted to that person because it makes sense. See how that works out/how long that lasts.

[MrCastle]

Shooting your girlfriend dead through the door of a bathroom is also based on sheer emotions, but it is a choice you make. Most people wisely avoid that choice.

 

We all have sheer emotions. We can live logically or through our emotions. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm just pointing out that people say "NOBODY can control who they are attracted to." In reality, "YOU can't control who you are attracted to because you choose not to." Which is all fine and dandy as long you like the results.

 

One time I was in studying in the library at school with this girl I know, anyway, her friend walks in, and she was quite the looker. When she left, I told her, "wow, is your friend single? What kind of guys does she like?"

 

She says "well, she's spanish so she likes to date spanish guys, umm, not really into the muscular types, she likes them skinny, and she likes guys that can make her laugh."

 

I have all those things. I never got a date with that girl.

 

Although I checked off all the big boxes on her list, we never hooked up.

 

Logically, she should have said "spanish, check, funny, check, skinny, check...okay I'll date him."

 

It didn't happen like that. Dating in general, doesn't work like that.

[MrCastle]

Ahh, and here's another one. If attraction was a choice, OLD would be the most successful avenue for dating of all time. Instead, it's pretty abysmal for most users.

 

You can quite literally edit your search criteria to only display results that meet your standards in ethnicity, income, height, career field, etc.

 

It's like shopping for a soul mate right? Until you go on your first date and there is no spark and you never hear from them again.

 

Because attraction just wasn't there. Despite "logic" telling you it should be.

[MrCastle]

Bottom line: I respect your opinion and none of us will sway. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

 

I can get on board with that.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I disagree.

 

I think you CAN choose who you are attracted to.

 

I can't. I certainly choose on how to act upon attraction though.

[Archgirl]

I disagree.

 

But if I ever go to Australia (which is on my list of places to go), I'll CHOOSE to be attracted to you and give you the opportunity to choose to be attracted to me.....and we'll see how our CHOICES play out.

 

 

Sweetheart, if you ever meet me you won't need to choose any such thing. I'm irresistably awesome.

This will in fact prove my point.

[Archgirl]

Attraction can be logical if you want it to be logical and it can be based on raw emotion and physical lust if you want that.

 

But it's a choice.

 

Hmm, logic vs RAW PHYSICAL LUST? That's quite a poser

[Eternal Sunshine]

It can be a choice, to an extent.

 

Say I start to feel attracted to someone but he is a bad bet for me. Either he is taken, doesn't feel the same or something else. I can choose to NOT let myself get emotionally invested and thus pretty much kill the attraction. When my mind drifts to him, I just remind myself why not to go there. Most people love to indulge in those fantasies because it feels good, for the short term anyway. I wasn't capable of this few years back. It now makes for a bleaker but more peaceful life.

 

I am not capable of doing the opposite though, manufacture an attraction when there is none.

[Necris]

If attraction was a choice every relationship would be perfect. Because people would only go for those that have 100% everything they look for.

 

Again, too many examples to even attempt to argue otherwise.

 

White women raised in a prejudiced household and grow up believing they will marry a white man, only to fall for a non-white, and cause friction between the two families. She probably could have just as easily fell for a white man with the same traits but she didn't, she couldn't.

 

Same with different religions, different soicio-economic classes, etc.

 

It's almost like trying to say being gay is a logical choice. Like those people actually rather judged, harassed, etc as opposed to dating someone of the opposite sex and having a seemingly normal life.

 

They can't help it. They are who they are. And people are attracted to who they are attracted to, not because they decided who they would be attracted to.

 

They can't help it? What is this? Everyone has gone insane and can't control themselves anymore. No, the truth is everyone chooses who they want to be attracted to, some of the reasons may have questionable logic but yes, you do choose who you are attracted to, yes even homosexual people.

 

Unless I'm really that different from everybody else, gifted with the gift of free will of who I'm attracted to, while everyone else are mindlessly led around by their fleeting emotions.

 

Also how is choosing who you are attracted to going to lead to perfect relationships? Just because I can choose who I am attracted to doesn't mean I'll pick the perfect person for a variety of reasons. For one, that's beyond picky, your standards aren't just high they are in deep space, if you only go after what you perceive as perfect people then you'll get nowhere as she or he most likely doesn't exist as everyone has flaws, and if you did find someone who was just right for you, you can't make them feel the same way. You don't have perfect information on that person, you can't control them and they may change for the worse, something could be wrong with you affecting your judgment, and the list goes on.

Edited February 21, 2013 by Necris

[Eternal Sunshine]

I just have this weird feeling that this thread was started so that bitter guys would try to convince women to force themselves to be attracted to them even if they are not

[MrCastle]

They can't help it? What is this? Everyone has gone insane and can't control themselves anymore. No, the truth is everyone chooses who they want to be attracted to, some of the reasons may have questionable logic but yes, you do choose who you are attracted to, yes even homosexual people.

 

Unless I'm really that different from everybody else, gifted with the gift of free will of who I'm attracted to, while everyone else are mindlessly led around by their fleeting emotions.

 

Also how is choosing who you are attracted to going to lead to perfect relationships? Just because I can choose who I am attracted to doesn't mean I'll pick the perfect person for a variety of reasons. For one, that's beyond picky, your standards aren't just high they are in deep space, if you only go after what you perceive as perfect people then you'll get nowhere as she or he most likely doesn't exist as everyone has flaws, and if you did find someone who was just right for you, you can't make them feel the same way. You don't have perfect information on that person, you can't control them and they may change for the worse, something could be wrong with you affecting your judgment, and the list goes on.

 

Nec, nothing you've said here tackles any of what I said directly. OLD, people sticking with bad people, people dating those they claimed they'd never end up dating, people dating outside their race, socio-economic class, religion, etc despite being heavily influenced to date someone similar to them in those regards and how they are logical moves.

[Archgirl]

Well, I should say that while I absolutely do think that people choose who they are attracted to, I'm not bitter at all and I don't have a problem getting girls to like me (see my other posts for details).

 

I'm just fortunate that many of the women I meet make good choices.

 

Or, like me you are also irresistable:love:

Irresista-bubble even:love:

[MrCastle]

I just have this weird feeling that this thread was started so that bitter guys would try to convince women to force themselves to be attracted to them even if they are not

 

I don't know. What I do know is, I used to be of the other school of though, pre-success days.

 

Girls would friend zone me and date the cheating loser and I would hold out hope that one day she would wise up and date the guy who was clearly the better choice (me)

 

Well, that never happened, and after getting friend zoned for the umpteenth time, I started examining women. Their behaviors. What the majority of them were attracted to, etc.

 

That's when I started seeing success.

 

I know we all like to think we are these super advanced, super evolved beings who can be completely logical but that is patently false. We are not machines. We will never be able to separate our emotions from our logic. Emotions will always be a part of us. Part of our judgement. It is what makes us human.

 

And as advanced as we'd like to think we are, we are still animals at our core. We still find things attractive in the opposite sex that we've been drawn to since the dawn of man.

 

There are traits that are classically masculine, and classically feminine, and the majority of the time, subconsciously or otherwise, hetero women are drawn to masculine traits, hetero men are drawn to feminine traits.

 

You can't outsmart biology.

[Necris]

Nec, nothing you've said here tackles any of what I said directly. OLD, people sticking with bad people, people dating those they claimed they'd never end up dating, people dating outside their race, socio-economic class, religion, etc despite being heavily influenced to date someone similar to them in those regards and how they are logical moves.

 

They choose to date these people because they want to, it doesn't matter how logical you think their choices are.

 

For example, you may think it maybe beneficial and logical for a rich man to marry a rich woman, but what if he personally doesn't want to, what if the poor woman he's seeing as other attributes that he likes? Regardless of how logical you think his choices are he still chose to be attracted to the poor woman rather than the rich woman.

[MrCastle]

They choose to date these people because they want to, it doesn't matter how logical you think their choices are.

 

For example, you may think it maybe beneficial and logical for a rich man to marry a rich woman, but what if he personally doesn't want to, what if the poor woman he's seeing as other attributes that he likes? Regardless of how logical you think his choices are he still chose to be attracted to the poor woman rather than the rich woman.

 

Right. The point you are making plays more to my belief than it does to yours.

 

They *want* to, yes, but often, not consciously.

 

In your example of the rich man, the other woman had other attributes, so he was more attracted to her.

 

She made him feel things the other didn't. He did not choose to feel those things.

 

In other words, you don't process emotional input like a machine. You just react.

 

You can't trick yourself into feeling things you don't feel/don't want to feel.

 

Your mind processes emotions and you just go with them.

[candie13]

Dating is a bit like a game: you use your judgement to eliminate the bad seeds, but you let attraction make the decision as to whom you're dating, in the end. I don't trust my judgement when it comes to making choices when it comes to dates, because I don't rationally know all the most important things about the person in front of me.

 

But I have great instinct / intuition, so I'm using that. Ok, if the guy got you from "hello", you can say goodbye to your judgement, then and there, haha.

 

To go back to JuneJulySeptember's main topic: I think I know what you mean about your friend looking absolutely smashing one evening, more than the usual. Potential reasons: - a great night of sleep - yes, rest is the secret, most effective ingredient

- her feeling absolutely great about herself (maybe a recent accomplishment or anything that made her feel great in her own skin)

- if she was ovulating (men feel that from a thousand miles - see the findings of tipping, strippers and ovulation)

- is she just had sex / recently (the sex glow)

[jma500]

I have to agree with those who say attraction is a choice. saying you can help it is so much easier then admitting to ones poor judgement. no I am not bitter in any way, shape, or form. One other thing, I noticed a poster saying he had me at hello. seriously? A guy says one word and you are instantly attracted to him? If I met a woman whom was attracted to me at one word I would run from her as fast and far as I could as I would find her judgement and frankly her sanity questionable.

[candie13]

I disagree. Attraction is NOT a choice. Acting on it is, big difference . I have felt very much attracted to some guys (they did have me at "hello" and I knew my judgement would be skewed. I did NOT let it show. I did NOT act on it and I certainly did NOT jump to sex. What I did was left - was way too hot anyways. Let time pass and waited to meet that person again) but it doesn't mean I went out with them. Judgement.

 

But I can tell you one thing. When I had the hots that way about a guy, all the rest of the masculine population of the planet was inexistent . Sad to behave like a 16 years old, but true. Sometimes the guys understood I was an easy target and ask me out. Other times I was smart enough to remove myself from that situation.

 

I wish I could choose to have my panties moist about a guy I know for a fact to be nice, reliable, secure financial situation, good genes and decent parents. I can't. I feel attracted by a guy for how he is, how he smells, the confidence he gives off, how he looks at me, wicked sense of humor, confidence, brilliant mind, kind and cynical at the same time, not because he is nice, secure, decent job and good family.

[Bristolius]

I don't know. What I do know is, I used to be of the other school of though, pre-success days.

 

Girls would friend zone me and date the cheating loser and I would hold out hope that one day she would wise up and date the guy who was clearly the better choice (me)

 

Well, that never happened, and after getting friend zoned for the umpteenth time, I started examining women. Their behaviors. What the majority of them were attracted to, etc.

 

That's when I started seeing success.

 

I know we all like to think we are these super advanced, super evolved beings who can be completely logical but that is patently false. We are not machines. We will never be able to separate our emotions from our logic. Emotions will always be a part of us. Part of our judgement. It is what makes us human.

 

And as advanced as we'd like to think we are, we are still animals at our core. We still find things attractive in the opposite sex that we've been drawn to since the dawn of man.

 

There are traits that are classically masculine, and classically feminine, and the majority of the time, subconsciously or otherwise, hetero women are drawn to masculine traits, hetero men are drawn to feminine traits.

 

You can't outsmart biology.

 

I think this is true. It is true about many things in life, not just attraction. Political ideologies and economic theories fail when they presuppose an individual to be a "rational actor".

[Imported]

I don't think you can choose the people you're attracted to, but you can definitely choose the people you're not attracted to.

 

If attraction is not there, it's not there. However you can be initially attracted and learn more and lose that attraction. Or realize it's not ever going to happen and lose that attraction as a defense mechanism for your ego.

[candie13]

Or realize it's not ever going to happen and lose that attraction as a defense mechanism for your ego.

 

or your sanity!

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Everyone on here makes it sound like their dating super models and that their super models themselves. Always talkign about who they are or aren't attracted to and their standards of attraction, but very little is said about their actual looks.

 

Anyway, the point of the story is that, looks are variable. There have been days where I thought every one of my exes looked ugly. Every single one. And there are days when I thought every single one looked cute. But I control it. I don't go asking on online forums if I should dump my girlfriend because she looked bad one week.

 

 

This sounds really messed up to me. That you would even have the thought to dump your girlfriend because you thought she wasn't looking as hot as you want her to look. There are some control issues on your part wrapped up in this dynamic. I think you get off more on how you control your attraction to certain women. You like that some days the same woman turns you on an other days you find her gross. It's obvious through how you post. I just don't know why you do but you do. It's very strange. But I think you actualy get off more to the control you feel it gives you than anything really having to do with how these women actually look

[Els]

That's one way to avoid guys you know are bad for you.

 

Another thing you can do is find a guy that you believe is good and actively seek out good qualities in him. Touch him more. Act towards him the way you would act if you were attracted to him. The mind and our emotions are curious things. We could trick them into doing what we want.

 

I've actually experimented with this before. It works.

 

So, how's that been working for you and women?

 

If you were single and, say, this woman has been hitting on you, and you know from previous interaction that she's sweet, kind, loyal, down-to-earth, and would be an all-around decent gf. Could you use this technique of yours to 'make' yourself attracted to her?

 

Same question goes to Necris. And JJS.

Edited February 21, 2013 by Elswyth

[Els]

 

Anyway, the point of the story is that, looks are variable. There have been days where I thought every one of my exes looked ugly. Every single one. And there are days when I thought every single one looked cute. But I control it. I don't go asking on online forums if I should dump my girlfriend because she looked bad one week.

 

I think most reasonably rational people who have been in LTRs know this, honestly. When you've been with someone for years, you've likely seen them at their worst. You've seen them looking like a zombie in bed with the flu, you've seen them with their face all splotchy from crying and snot running down their nose, you've seen them in a dirty tee with their hair all mussed up while spring-cleaning the house. I don't think most people in such a situation come onto online forums asking if they should dump their partners.

[Yamaha]

If attraction/interest is not a choice then why are there leagues in dating?