JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) I have a little story I'd like to share. I'm taking classes and finishing up another degree. That part is not relevant. What is, is that in one of those classes last semester I saw this younger woman. Man, was she hot. Nice hair, face, boobs, really cute. I thought she was SO hot. I told my one MSN guy friend (the one guy friend you talk stupid sh@t to) about this HOT girl in my class. I would go home and fantasize about her. This is not to gross anybody out, but just to prove a point. This semester, she is in one of my classes, and I have seen her more often. There are days when she looks decent, and there are days when she looks fairly unattractive. It kind of shocked me the first time I kind of thought she wasn't THAT attractive. I mean, I fantasized about this girl. A lot. Well. At least now I know her name. The funny thing is I remember telling one of my buddies from school about this real hot girl from our program and when I was describing her, he was like, "Who? Which really hot girl? I have no idea who you are talking about? Are you talking about Jackie? (not her real name)" Anyway, the point of the story is that, looks are variable. There have been days where I thought every one of my exes looked ugly. Every single one. And there are days when I thought every single one looked cute. But I control it. I don't go asking on online forums if I should dump my girlfriend because she looked bad one week. So, I don't buy the 'we can't help who we are attracted to'. Maybe for some, but not for all. I remember going out one night with one of my good female friends who I have known for YEARS who I have fairly minimal attraction to, and she just looked so good that night. I was SO horny for her. It makes sense. I mean, we're just a bag of bones who are trying to measure up to some contrived standard of beauty flashed on magazine shoots and TV screens. That is why the yes/no view to attraction has ALWAYS boggled my mind. Of course, as usual, I submit to the possibility that I am the only person on Earth that thinks as I do. Edited February 21, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
todreaminblue Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I have a little story I'd like to share. I'm taking classes and finishing up another degree. That part is not relevant. What is, is that in one of those classes last semester I saw this younger woman. Man, was she hot. Nice hair, face, boobs, really cute. I thought she was SO hot. I told my guy friend (the one guy friend you talk stupid sh@t to) about this HOT girl in my class. I would go home and fantasize about her. This is not to gross anybody out, but just to prove a point. This semester, she is in one of my classes, and I have seen her more often. There are days when she looks decent, and there are days when she looks fairly unattractive. It kind of shocked me the first time I kind of thought she wasn't THAT attractive. I mean, I fantasized about this girl. A lot. Well. At least now I know her name. The funny thing is I remember telling one of my buddies from school about this real hot girl from our program and when I was describing her, he was like, "Who? Which really hot girl? I have no idea who you are talking about? Are you talking about Jackie? (not her real name)" Anyway, the point of the story is that, looks are variable. There have been days where I thought every one of my exes looked ugly. Every single one. And there are days when I thought every single one looked cute. But I control it. I don't go asking on online forums if I should dump my girlfriend because she looked bad one week. So, I don't buy the 'we can't help who we are attracted to BS. I remember going out one night with one of my good female friends who I have known for YEARS who I have fairly minimal attraction to, and she just looked so good that night. I was SO horny for her. I mean, we're just a bag of bones who are trying to measure up to some standard of beauty flashed on magazine shoots and TV screens. That is why the yes/no view to attraction has ALWAYS boggled my mind. Of course, as usual, I submit to the possibility that I am the only person on Earth that thinks as I do. i dotn knwo i dotn get attracted easily but it does contain certain physical elements wouldnt say its the majority rule on physical more the complete person......voice inflections too ,......i always think that person is hot once i am physically attracted...bad day or not.....maybe because it isnt purely physical...when i lose trust in someone there physicality diminishes..probably more a loss of respect.....kills desire for me....deb 1
Archgirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I'm a woman, attraction has always got more to it than physical appreciation and getting horny for someone. Your definition of attraction possibly has less to do with the appearance of the chicks you mention than it does with where your libido is at at the time. I have no control over whether i'm attracted in this sense or not and it really is always am/am not. So I guess we're back to agreeing to disagree? 1
MrCastle Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 You can't help who you are attracted to. You don't walk into a crowd and say "I want to be attracted to that one." and walk up to her and force yourself to become attracted to her. There is no logic in attraction. You don't plan out who you want to be attracted to, and when you want to be attracted to them. The opposite is also true--you can't help who you are unattracted to. There is a girl in my class who I had a falling out with. Before that, I was highly attracted to her. She is a dead ringer for Jennifer Lawrence. Anyway, she wronged me and I can't stand seeing her in class now. Of course in a perfect world I'd still be attracted to her, and she never stopped looking like Jennifer Lawrence, but my mind couldn't care less. My attraction has been replaced with complete apathy. 6
ChessPieceFace Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 K. So then on what days of your life have you fantasies about the members of the Lollipop Guild?
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 You can't help who you are attracted to. You don't walk into a crowd and say "I want to be attracted to that one." and walk up to her and force yourself to become attracted to her. There is no logic in attraction. You don't plan out who you want to be attracted to, and when you want to be attracted to them. The opposite is also true--you can't help who you are unattracted to. There is a girl in my class who I had a falling out with. Before that, I was highly attracted to her. She is a dead ringer for Jennifer Lawrence. Anyway, she wronged me and I can't stand seeing her in class now. Of course in a perfect world I'd still be attracted to her, and she never stopped looking like Jennifer Lawrence, but my mind couldn't care less. My attraction has been replaced with complete apathy. That's just my point. You say it like a spade is a spade. Like either a woman is Asian or she isn't. I'm saying it's not like that. Even the MOST attractive women can be unattractive on certain days. It's so grey. I know this isn't the point of your post, but have you considered talking to her, as opposed to going home and fantasizing about her? It's totally not relevant. Anyway, for a long time, I have pretty much ignored acting on my crushes. Looks don't mean that much to me. And like I said in the OP, she wasn't ALL THAT anyway.
MrCastle Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I disagree. I think you CAN choose who you are attracted to. I think if that were true, dating would be much worse for the people that claim it's already bad. Short guys, non whites, flat chested girls, overweight girls, etc. Most girls would choose to be with the hot muscular hunk and all the dudes would choose to be attracted to the girl with the hourglass figure. That's not the case. Because of personality intangibles that trigger attraction in your mind. It's also the same reason dead beats, losers, and cheaters manage to form or stay in relationships, even though their personalities are terrible and they are low quality, their significant others can't break the attraction, despite logic telling them to leave. 2
MrCastle Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I think if that were true, dating would be much worse for the people that claim it's already bad. Short guys, non whites, flat chested girls, overweight girls, etc. Most girls would choose to be with the hot muscular hunk and all the dudes would choose to be attracted to the girl with the hourglass figure. That's not the case. Because of personality intangibles that trigger attraction in your mind. It's also the same reason dead beats, losers, and cheaters manage to form or stay in relationships, even though their personalities are terrible and they are low quality, their significant others can't break the attraction, despite logic telling them to leave. Also the same reason people do ridiculous stuff like form long distance relationships. Logic will tell you that you can find someone just as good to date in your own backyard, but attraction makes you believe nope, this person is the only one like this, it has to be this way. I have to be in a long distance relationship. 2
Necris Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 You can't help who you are attracted to. I find it funny how people delude themselves with this lie. Maybe I'm just different but I can control how attracted I am to someone. 2
MrCastle Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I find it funny how people delude themselves with this lie. It's not a lie. People do a lot of stupid, unexplainable things in the name of "love", when logical thought would suggest they do otherwise. The person sometimes even KNOWS what they're doing is stupid, but can't help it. Like an addiction. They can't get their brain to turn off the switch. 1
Archgirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I find it funny how people delude themselves with this lie. Maybe I'm just different but I can control how attracted I am to someone. I am also able to control it. Really!? I'm actually starting to believe you guys now. Can you tell me how to do it? It would really simplify my life! The best I can manage is not acting on it
MrCastle Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 There was another post where people were arguing that dating is like a business to them. They seem to pick and choose personality traits. Also with looks. "Good looks" are mostly socially and culturally defined. Fat women, for example, were considered more attractive in the early industrial age. Thus, they had more suitors. These days, they are considered unattractive and, thus, have less suitors. Most men DO go for the girls with the hour glass figure. Women do care about personality most, but there are some that go for the look that society pushes them to go for, suggesting that, at least on some level, it IS a choice. Yeah, we all have types. Mine is short brunettes with a killer ass. But sometimes I have dropped her to be with a curveless blonde. The blonde just had an "it" factor I couldn't explain and I just didn't find myself attracted to a woman who represents my ideal physical type. And you see things like this all the time. Women 5'10 saying they feel weird dating men shorter than them and prefer a taller man. Then wake up in bed next to me. Pretty sure they didn't leave their house looking for a guy 3 inches shorter than them. Things like this happen because their decision making was not logical.
Archgirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 it's not a lie. People do a lot of stupid, unexplainable things in the name of "love", when logical thought would suggest they do otherwise. The person sometimes even knows what they're doing is stupid, but can't help it. Like an addiction. They can't get their brain to turn off the switch. ^^^uh-huh!! 1
MrCastle Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 When they do things in the name of "love," it's really because they're extremely emotionally invested in that person. But that's what attraction is. Emotional stimulation. 1
Archgirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 That's one way to avoid guys you know are bad for you. Another thing you can do is find a guy that you believe is good and actively seek out good qualities in him. Touch him more. Act towards him the way you would act if you were attracted to him. The mind and our emotions are curious things. We could trick them into doing what we want. I've actually experimented with this before. It works. I've tried it too, it doesn't work for me, I always feel fake and it never turns into 'real'. I need real authentic multi-level attraction to stay "interested". 1
Archgirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 But that's what attraction is. Emotional stimulation. Stop saying things I agree with. It's making me feel uncomfortable. Like it's opposite day 2
MrCastle Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 If attraction was a logical choice, you could plan out your partner. You would say "I know I will end up with someone who looks like this, has this kind of personality, and has this occupation." Make a thread asking married couples or people in LTR's if they knew 10 years ago the person they are with would be the person they'd end up with. 1
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Really!? I'm actually starting to believe you guys now. Can you tell me how to do it? It would really simplify my life! The best I can manage is not acting on it It's easy. Everybody gets stupid, crazy thoughts in their head. Like jumping out 5 story buildings and seeing if you can land on your elbow. EVERYBODY gets stupid thoughts like this. Why? I don't know. The next time you are dating somebody really cool, and you get a thought they are not as attractive as you might like, just chalk it up as a silly thought and expel it.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 If attraction was a logical choice, you could plan out your partner. You would say "I know I will end up with someone who looks like this, has this kind of personality, and has this occupation." Attraction can be logical if you want it to be logical and it can be based on raw emotion and physical lust if you want that. But it's a choice. 1
Archgirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 It's easy. Everybody gets stupid, crazy thoughts in their head. Like jumping out 5 story buildings and seeing if you can land on your elbow. EVERYBODY gets stupid thoughts like this. Why? I don't know. The next time you are dating somebody really cool, and you get a thought they are not as attractive as you might like, just chalk it up as a silly thought and expel it. but if I think they are really cool then I do think they are attractive Not helping!
MrCastle Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Attraction can be logical if you want it to be logical and it can be based on raw emotion and physical lust if you want that. But it's a choice. No it's not a choice. That's the reason we have so many threads with relationship problems and people asking what to do. "He cheated, what to do" "She won't stop doing drugs, what to do" etc etc Most of these answers can be solved with "leave them" but rarely does that happen. They cannot, for the life of them, leave the person. Obviously we all have a breaking point, but more often than not, people fight to keep their relationships alive, no matter how mismatched the people are, because attraction is in play. 2
Archgirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 When they do things in the name of "love," it's really because they're extremely emotionally invested in that person. They would be able to turn off the switch if they were able to identify what the switch even is. Unfortunately, most people don't try to reflect on their feelings and what causes them. I certainly agree that you can reflect and identify patterns in what you are attracted to personality trait/behaviour wise and so identify those that come from an unhealthy place and chose not to act on attraction that fit those patterns. Is that what you mean?
Archgirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Okay. Then you date awesome guys already. Well done. You don't need to change anything. That's not what I was saying at all smarty-pants, more that attraction is inseperably emotional and physical.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 No it's not a choice. That's the reason we have so many threads with relationship problems and people asking what to do. "He cheated, what to do" "She won't stop doing drugs, what to do" etc etc Most of these answers can be solved with "leave them" but rarely does that happen. They cannot, for the life of them, leave the person. Obviously we all have a breaking point, but more often than not, people fight to keep their relationships alive, no matter how mismatched the people are, because attraction is in play. Shooting your girlfriend dead through the door of a bathroom is also based on sheer emotions, but it is a choice you make. Most people wisely avoid that choice. We all have sheer emotions. We can live logically or through our emotions. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm just pointing out that people say "NOBODY can control who they are attracted to." In reality, "YOU can't control who you are attracted to because you choose not to." Which is all fine and dandy as long you like the results.
MrCastle Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 If attraction was a choice every relationship would be perfect. Because people would only go for those that have 100% everything they look for. Again, too many examples to even attempt to argue otherwise. White women raised in a prejudiced household and grow up believing they will marry a white man, only to fall for a non-white, and cause friction between the two families. She probably could have just as easily fell for a white man with the same traits but she didn't, she couldn't. Same with different religions, different soicio-economic classes, etc. It's almost like trying to say being gay is a logical choice. Like those people actually rather judged, harassed, etc as opposed to dating someone of the opposite sex and having a seemingly normal life. They can't help it. They are who they are. And people are attracted to who they are attracted to, not because they decided who they would be attracted to. 2
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