purplereigncb Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Almost 8 year relationship. She was my first and only, we met when we were around 16. We started out as High School sweethearts, our relationship survived through college. I figured that we had gone through the most difficult time when people change and find themselves. I am no longer the same person and neither is she, and even though I know we changed so much through out the years, I always thought we would be able to work through our changes. It may just be that we developed emotional attachments over time, but deep down inside I feel I still really love her. My biggest problems in our relationship has been my work, I own a business and being an entrepreneur can be very stressful and emotionally taxing. I work long days. I have no days off and have a pretty non existent social life. My business is still new and still not completely booming. It's been very rough on me trying to hold down a business and be a good bf. I wanted to marry this person and have children, but right now with a business that's still not hitting its stride, I hadn't felt like the time was right to propose. All the money I make goes right back into the biz. whether it's to pay the bills or reinvest. That being said she was very supportive when I first started my business, but slowly began to dislike it. I have a ridiculous work ethic that can be very difficult to understand or accept. I grew up poor and when this opportunity presented itself I have held on to it like their is no tomorrow. I am determined to be successful. She on the other hand seems content with a 9-5 type of job. Free on weekends etc. I was the original person to break up the relationship, I had trust issues and felt she had checked out of the relationship. I am the one who pushed her on the edge. At the time I felt I was doing the right thing and protecting myself from the eventual breakup. I cant even put dates on everything, It all seems like a giant blur. It was right before Christmas. My trust issues were from something she did long ago, and I'm not sure if people can get over their partners having emotional affairs. It happened 3 years ago and although I haven't had a real reason to suspect anything now, I was mostly paranoid because my work has consumed a majority of my time that I felt that by not spending enough time with her, I'd be opening the door to her doing something again. This whole month has been really tough on me. I had not gone more than two weeks without contacting her. This whole NC thing has been very effective in helping me have some sort of sanity. Although it was me who ended, I told her I was sorry for the way I acted, she gave me another chance, but nothing had changed. I was still consumed by work and she said she was sick of it, and that she wanted to see what it was like to be single. I initially agreed, but then when it really sunk in. I panicked and did the crying, begging, and pleading. I made myself look like a fool. I asked to see her I was turned down. Originally when I asked if she saw a chance for me in the future, I was told possibly at first. After the panic, and the begging and the pleading, I was not told if I'd get another chance. This is the first time I feel the break up is permanent. Before when we were younger our break ups lasted days. My last desperate attempt to fix everything was a No contact letter in which I laid it all out. I apologized for my behavior. My horrible work schedule. My lack of commitment, and everything that was wrong with me and how I would attempt to fix myself. I felt better after I wrote it, because when I panicked I said some pretty dumb things during the begging stage. I feel like the right thing is to move on, but I don't know if we can work through our compatibility issues.
Exitleft Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Sounds eerily familiar in parts. I don't know how to advise but you sound like you are on the right track for now. Give it time and see how it goes. keep the NC up, it is hard but eventually it won't gnaw at you so much. 1
Author purplereigncb Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Thanks. I keep a calendar to remind me how far along i've come so that I wont be tempted to break NC. 1
KatZee Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) Well I mean, you're trying to get your career going, and unfortunately she's taken a back seat to that. I get completely where she's coming from because my ex did the same thing to me. All he did was work work work. He never had a second for me, and if he did he was so tired and we'd just stay in and do nothing. It consumed him and I really felt like I wasn't important to him at all. It's not fair to her if she wants a partner who's actually involved in the relationship. Your brain is in one spot, hers is in another. You're a workaholic, so was my ex. I couldn't handle it. While I was proud of him, we were in a relationship and it just became so unfair to me. Everything and anything about his job came before me. He even blew off my family when we went out of our way for him, and he showed up hours late for a very holy religious holiday dinner in which we bought specific food for him. It was just completely rude, disrespectful and it showed where his priorities were. Dating a workaholic is NOT fun, at all. As someone who dated one, we feel worthless, unimportant, and non-existent. It's not so much a compatibility problem as it is a priority problem. Edited February 21, 2013 by KatZee 1
denxnis Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Hey man I totally get you on this one because I had the same exact thing happen to me. My ex worked a 9-5 and was bored on her days off because she didn't really have a career to work/improve upon. I on the other hand was working 45+ hours at a fortune 500 company and going to school which meant I barely had time to breathe. Lo and behold she leaves me for a coworker because they both are 9-5 people who only care about having fun now and aren't interested in a bright future which comes with the long hours we put in now. I know how badly it sucks but in all honesty she was only holding you back. Sure she may have been pretty and/or very nice and caring however she wasn't doing anything to contribute to your career or help advance your life, she was just there to keep you company and keep you happy. Try to stay focused and stay driven and not worry about woman right now. Not being able to call someone up for sex in 30 minutes does suck but eventually you will get over it and look back a few years from now and not regret your decision. You chose a career and future over your relationship, I can't blame you. If your career really is prosperous and not a sinking ship she made a bad decision, instead of sticking by your side during the tough times she abandoned ship to have that instant gratification. Sure she may enjoy it now but you will be the one with a smile on his face when you are traveling and have a nice blanket of cash. Stay strong and keep pushing yourself forward buddy. 1
Author purplereigncb Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 katzee: I totally agree with you. I feel it is also very much my fault. I could involve her in my career since it's something I wanted for the both of us. Unfortunately you cant take a backseat in business there is no room for that. At the same time I've come so far and if I'm broke in the future she'd probably leave me anyway. I'm just building a strong foundation for what would be our future. Before starting my biz I was very much like her. I feel once things smooth out I'll be the one taking a back seat.
Author purplereigncb Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 denxnis: Exactly how I feel. You pretty much described my whole situation. I'm not looking for any instant gratification. Is this gigs? She sees other couples having fun now, but their careers are going nowhere, they could end up in the same exact place years from now. I didn't do this intentionally I pretty much fell into it. I wish their was a way I could make her see this.
KatZee Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Lo and behold she leaves me for a coworker because they both are 9-5 people who only care about having fun now and aren't interested in a bright future which comes with the long hours we put in now. Uh, you are aware that there is something called "a happy medium" correct? Working 9-5 doesn't mean you're some sort of slacker who wants nothing but to have fun and isn't interested in a "bright future." I'm not sure who told you this gem but it's not correct. I'm a 9-5'er and I have a bright future ahead of me. I do great at my job, I work my a.ss off when I'm here. Just because I'm not sitting in a dark office alone at 8PM doesn't mean I don't have drive or direction, and it doesn't mean your ex is that way as well. It means she has balance in her life and doesn't feel sitting in an office 24/7 is any way to live. Having a s.hit ton of money is in no way a guarantee of a happy future. What's great about having money if you have no one to spend your time with? What relationships are you really going to cultivate if all you do is work?
Author purplereigncb Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 I see that side of the argument. I was a 9-5er too, but I was burned by my former employer. During this recession I've seen many people getting laid off after years of working for a company. Even if you work your way up the ladder you'd be the first on the chopping block due to your high salary, then they'll slowly start building up the next guy. The only ones who seem to come out ahead are always on top, no love for the ones at the bottom. I wish to find my "happy medium" once the dust settles. I can't help but think money and job security plays a huge role in relationships.
KatZee Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) I see that side of the argument. I was a 9-5er too, but I was burned by my former employer. During this recession I've seen many people getting laid off after years of working for a company. Even if you work your way up the ladder you'd be the first on the chopping block due to your high salary, then they'll slowly start building up the next guy. The only ones who seem to come out ahead are always on top, no love for the ones at the bottom. I wish to find my "happy medium" once the dust settles. I can't help but think money and job security plays a huge role in relationships. Yep. Exactly. High positions are ALWAYS the first to go to save costs. My father was just laid off as a CFO. At my last job the director of the whole department was let go. Working so hard to get to the top in no way guarantees you a secure life. And of course money plays a huge role in relationships. That's one of the biggest things that couples split over. Money. But that's why you need to make sure you're both on the same page before getting engaged. Both need to have full time jobs, both need to be contributing money, both need to be saving. That doesn't mean both need to be executives making 200k a year. If you know you have bills to pay off, don't spend money frivolously, make sure you have money going into retirement... blah blah blah. Edited February 22, 2013 by KatZee
denxnis Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) @katzee Working a 9-5 job is great as long as it's a career and not just a job. Do you do anything outside of your job to ensure a successful career in case you get laid off? Do you do anything not required by your work which you can add to you resume or portfolio? I believe that getting ahead doesn't just involve working hard but showing your interest in your work by doing something not required by your job as well. Just my 2 cents. @OP I don't think it's GIGS, I think they may have found someone they are more compatible with to put it simply. I know it's not what you want to hear, I sure as hell don't, but I believe it to be the truth and try to accept things for what they are and not blame her actions on some syndrome. You are driven correct? Find someone that is driven like yourself. Worst case scenario you don't find someone as driven as yourself after trying for a few years and settle down once you have a solid foundation in your career/business. Edited February 22, 2013 by denxnis 1
Author purplereigncb Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 losing my mind since I read your reply. im 19 days no contact, but this brought a whole new wave of panic.
Author purplereigncb Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 I unblocked her from FB... I see she hasn't deleted our pictures, but I don't know what to make of it. I really feel like breaking NC.
cavalier99 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 DONT DO IT MAN. It will destroy your self esteem. Re block facebook. You need to keep on going. It will get better. Breath, go for walk, anything.
Author purplereigncb Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 I tried i have to wait 48hrs
Author purplereigncb Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 I just had a good cry, spoke to a close family member. I feel so much better. Didn't break NC. 1
denxnis Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Try to avoid any contact at all. Facebook, email, drive-bys, anything. Also remind yourself that if you and her were meant to be she would have pushed you and motivated you & not held you back from a successful career. A caring person would not have abandoned you if they saw how hard you were working. 1
Author purplereigncb Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 21 Days NC... feeling better. Working out lately. I'm aching, but Id rather feel this pain thats for sure.
Author purplereigncb Posted December 4, 2016 Author Posted December 4, 2016 Remembered that I used LS to help me get through a rough patch. Dating again, in love again. It gets better, no contact is life. Rediscovered myself, it took a long time, but when a new person came I was happier with myself. I hppe this helps anyone who is in deep in their feelings and feel helpless. I went online searching for hope of getting back with ex, even if it meant waiting a while. After time passed, I realized that I want the Idea of her back, but not her. My new love is very diff, more like me, which is strange because after the end of my long term relationship, I thought, and even fantasized about changing myself to be more like my ex. Doesn't make any sense thinking about it now. Good luck!!! 1
Caysey110504 Posted December 5, 2016 Posted December 5, 2016 Remembered that I used LS to help me get through a rough patch. Dating again, in love again. It gets better, no contact is life. Rediscovered myself, it took a long time, but when a new person came I was happier with myself. I hppe this helps anyone who is in deep in their feelings and feel helpless. I went online searching for hope of getting back with ex, even if it meant waiting a while. After time passed, I realized that I want the Idea of her back, but not her. My new love is very diff, more like me, which is strange because after the end of my long term relationship, I thought, and even fantasized about changing myself to be more like my ex. Doesn't make any sense thinking about it now. Good luck!!! great. what new challenges do you face, if any in this new relationship? Did a new gf replace the old problems? Does she have more money and more time to care and invest in the relationship? What happened to the ex, did she find love and has she moved on?
Author purplereigncb Posted December 6, 2016 Author Posted December 6, 2016 great. what new challenges do you face, if any in this new relationship? Did a new gf replace the old problems? Does she have more money and more time to care and invest in the relationship? What happened to the ex, did she find love and has she moved on? This new relationships biggest challenge is opening myself up 100% I still am a busy person, but so is new gf. I thinks its me who has more money and more time to invest in a relationship. Ex did find someone new almost immediately, she is still with him as far as I know. She definitely moved on, I didnt get any breadcrumbs, which is better for moving on. For my sanity I kept myself in the dark about ex, but the lil info I did get, I cut off immediately. I recently saw her in suggested friends on instagram. I clicked, because I was curious, after going through a few pics, I didnt really feel bad. Before it would destroy me, but im glad I clicked, I cant say I dont care at all. Feelings don't disappear, but I guess they fade. I was broke when she left me pretty much. I took a different life path that had huge risk with very little payoff to my immediate future. But now I am more financially stable, because I bet on myself. I recently had lasik surgery, and am also having an overbite surgery. Which I could have not done if I stayed 9-5. Im doing way better now. My new gf is in the same business as me. So the compatibility issues I had with ex are non existent with new gf.
idlesadness Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 This new relationships biggest challenge is opening myself up 100% I still am a busy person, but so is new gf. I thinks its me who has more money and more time to invest in a relationship. Ex did find someone new almost immediately, she is still with him as far as I know. She definitely moved on, I didnt get any breadcrumbs, which is better for moving on. For my sanity I kept myself in the dark about ex, but the lil info I did get, I cut off immediately. I recently saw her in suggested friends on instagram. I clicked, because I was curious, after going through a few pics, I didnt really feel bad. Before it would destroy me, but im glad I clicked, I cant say I dont care at all. Feelings don't disappear, but I guess they fade. I was broke when she left me pretty much. I took a different life path that had huge risk with very little payoff to my immediate future. But now I am more financially stable, because I bet on myself. I recently had lasik surgery, and am also having an overbite surgery. Which I could have not done if I stayed 9-5. Im doing way better now. My new gf is in the same business as me. So the compatibility issues I had with ex are non existent with new gf. Sorry to be critical but my boyfriend just broke up with me because he wanted to prioritise work as well. He didn't want to put in the extra time to work on our relationship because he thought 18-hour days weren't bad enough. Plus if 2 people love work more than they love each other, and think about work even when they're physically together (this is going to happen after honeymoon phase), what exactly is the point of a relationship?
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