Found out that my Ex is Engaged

[venusianx13]

I was in a relationship for 6 years with a guy who turned out to be a relentless liar and cheater. We were engaged part of that time, but the engagement was on and off. And for over 4 years, even his own mother was telling me he was a bum, and to leave him, as he'd end up being just like her husband (a cheater and a liar). Aside from the infidelity and dishonesty, the issue of me being a gentile had become an issue as well (he's a Jew). When things between us finally ended, the truth about all of his infidelities came out and I was pretty horrified and traumatized. Just prior to this break up, he had done a number on my car (dented in both the driver and passenger side doors with a snow shovel). He still owes me money for the damages, but I know I won't ever see it.

 

I digress... toward the end of our relationship, I had known there was a new girl hanging out with him and his hockey friends after games. They became facebook friends and I was a little suspicious because I saw a message from her pop up on his laptop one day, asking if he'd like to hang out. He assured me, as it goes, that he wasn't attracted to her... even put down her looks quite a bit during this exchange, and others to follow. Which leads me to this post.

 

An old mutual friend of ours who I intentionally stopped contact with after we broke up wrote me a message on facebook, asking how i was and so forth, and then disclosed my ex's recent engagement. I must be a glutton for punishment...for one, I should never have read the message knowing who it was from, but second, I looked up his profile, which is something I have honestly not done in over a year... well, there it was. He's engaged to the girl he swore he wasn't interested in when we broke up.

 

And I feel sick. Not because it's HIM, but because...I've been waiting for my own happy ending. My boyfriend and I have gone into the realm of discussing the future, making plans, and I have been happily awaiting our engagement. I don't know how to explain how i feel but seeing that was a bit of a slap in the face. So, he's suddenly an honest man? He's suddenly not a liar and a cheater? Is this girl really that ignorant? She knew of me back when he and I were together, and quite frankly, if she's been hanging around our old mutual friends, she must know how things went with us (especially via the females of the bunch). Oh, and the kicker: she's not a Jew.

 

Ugh, I feel sick. And I feel foolish. Why did I look? The deepest parts of my heart do wish for him to be happy, and I hope he truly is a changed man. But I also find myself resenting this situation, even while I know it's not mine to resent.

 

I really just needed to vent this out. I have no feelings of love or attachment or longing for my ex, but six years of literal hell is a long time. I don't know if I can properly label my emotions in regards to this; I don't think the words exist.

 

If anyone's had a similar story in regards to feelings surrounding an ex moving on, please do share.

[KoKo0]

Why are you evening THINKING about it. let alone venting about it. Be glad it ended sooner than later, he is cheater and liar, and good luck to his new girl...

[venusianx13]

Thanks, and yes, I know it's ridiculous. I FEEL ridiculous for even making a thing out of it. Like I said, I don't think a word in the English language adequately describes my feelings. But I will say that it was a stupid move on my part, to be so foolish and to actually scope out the situation. I hadn't even thought about the guy in such a long time...

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi:)

 

I'm sorry to hear that you've been reminded of him and these years of hell, and that this brought on some negative and powerful emotions... You wrote that if anyone had similar emotions about their ex, you'd like them to share, so I thought I'd drop a few lines.

 

Since my ex ended things with me more than 2 years, I tried strenuously to avoid hearing anything about how her life. We had a lot of common friends, so every once in a while some of them slipped up and mentioned something about her, or I saw her pictures etc. on their FB walls etc. I've been told that withing one week after she broke up with me, she was looking very happy, one time I run into her and some guy in the movies, ...

 

Anyway, when things like that happened, I'd always experience strong emotions. Part of it was that I still liked her and wanted to be with her. But as time went on, I started thinking/realizing that a big part of me was so angry at her and that in a way I hated her. Which was hard for me to admit to myself, because I always tried to be nice in life (and people'd tell I'm too nice:D) and tried to let go of bad things.

 

So now whenever I encounter a bit of news about her moving on, a big part of me gets angry. At her, at "the universe". I'm angry because after all the **** she's put me through, after standing by her during her mental issues and all her problems, it irks me that she's happy and enjoying her life, especially since I'm struggling a bit at the moment. Angry that somehow "the universe" is not paying her back the hurt she's caused.

 

Anyway, in the past months I've been trying to let go of my anger/resentment towards her. I'm trying to become indifferent regarding her. Because I know that until I do that, seeing or hearing about her will always provoke some sort of negative emotional reaction. And I don't want to ever spend another moment thinking or feeling about her, but just go on with my life, completely indifferent about her. Because that way, she'll never hurt me again. And I really don't want to hurt anyone in my life or wish ill upon anyone, but with her I had to admit myself that I'm not so nice as I thought/wanted to be:) and that I still can't wish her all the best. Because, unfortunately, I'm too angry at her to be able to honestly and sincerely wish her that.

 

And like you said, sometimes I feel ridiculous thinking about her after 2+ years, but I haven't dealt with my anger/emotions properly before, so I understand why it's still like this... So I don't think you're being ridiculous. I think it's very human to feel like this.

 

I don't know what exactly do you feel, or what are your thoughts when things like this happen. But perhaps in a small part, they are similar to what I've described (anger, resentment, hate,...). Even though you don't have positive feelings for him anymore, I think it might be possible that you still harbour anger and resentment.

 

And I'm really happy to hear that you're happy in your life now, that you're planning your future!

 

Maybe it would help you if you read some books or sites about emotions, and maybe the descriptions of some the emotions will match what you're feeling, and you will be able to know what you're dealing with, and how to let go. Also perhaps you should look into your statement about being a "glutton for punishment"... If you went, I can try to help you find such sources of info. And if you want, I can tell you of some of the things I do to work through my anger.

 

And just another thought - I'd advise you to go full NC (there's a page on this site describing it), so to block his profile, to block messages/profile of people like the person ("friend") that sent you that message, etc. So you'll minimize the chance of hearing about him.

 

And a final thought -> I think there's a big chance that he hasn't changed, but that he's just stringing some girl along and will hurt her. But for her sake (perhaps she was really blissfully ignorant about the situation between you two), I hope she doesn't get hurt.

 

Best wishes:)

[venusianx13]

Thank you, CW! You are a true sweetheart.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience, it was actually very helpful for me to read about it and see the parallels. I don't believe I ever fully came to terms with a lot of what happened in that relationship. There was so much dishonesty, game playing, emotional (and eventually physical) abuse that I don't think my brain ever fully processed it. As far as getting over HIM, it happened quickly. I'd felt numb in the relationship for a long time, so I'd let HIM go, but the habit of being in that relationship died hard. It's not up to me to decipher what he's like now, I realize that... I did always carry the wish that he'd change, and that he'd never hurt anyone else.

 

I still struggle with something he left me with: insecurity. I'm a highly sensitive person to begin with, and staying with him for so long (hoping things would change, I guess) left me with severe residual insecurity. I stuffed it down before, got by alright, but was definitely in desperate need of some re-wiring. Distractions are only temporary relief. I've actually made an appointment with a therapist I used to see, because he was always very helpful to me. I'm also going to a meditation at the Dharma Center tonight, which I am ashamed to say, I haven't done in a while. I've severely neglected my true source of happiness lately, and I'm going to finally do something about it.

 

Maybe that email from the old friend was actually a blessing in disguise. But yes, I'm going to be sure to maintain NC in all respects, from now on. I have given up on getting my money for my car. Past attempts at collecting it were not well received, and so, I'd prefer to just move forward.

 

Thanks again, CW...your words were very helpful.