JamieOB2 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Hi all! I'm new here and I'm having this issue and I'm not sure what I should do. My fiance and I have been together for 6 years. A few years ago, he started his own website and would tinker with it for about an hour or two and then spend time with me. Fast forwarding to now, he still has that website and is CONSTANTLY on it. He spends hours and hours "working" on it. As any girl would, we like to have dinner and spend time with our fiance/boyfriend right? well, I let my fiance know when dinner is ready and he says, "hang on". So, I get his son's dinner ready and then I tell him again and he still tells me the same thing. I get myself dinner and by the time I'm done eating, he comes and sits down, eats his dinner and then 10 minutes later goes back on his computer. Our love life has suffered a bit, he's too tired to do anything. I've tried to talk to him about it and he gives me the same answer, "I'm trying to get us money." I say that's fine, but you have a family and you need to spend time with your family. It's almost like he doesn't care. Basically, what it boils down to, is that I don't really get to spend time with him anymore. It's just tough. I guess what I'm looking for is some suggestions on what the best way to handle this would be. I'm sorry for the long rant, but it's just bothering me.
2sunny Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 You may want to rethink being with him. Or stop making him dinner! He doesn't even have the courtesy or respect to come eat with you father you've made him and his son dinner? Sheez, seems like he's a dork to me. 1
CC12 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 How much time do you actually spend together? Because it's pretty often that people post threads like this and it turns out that they're just being a little too demanding of their partner's time. ("My husband's career has him traveling a lot and yes we spend quality time together a few times a week, but it's still not fair and I need more!" Or, "My girlfriend who is in college has all these extra-curricular activities and a part-time job and I never get to see her, wtf.") This probably isn't the case with you since he doesn't even eat dinner with you. Something for you to think about, though. I think you should sit him down and have a calm conversation about the amount of time he spends working. Tell him very clearly that you're unhappy with this situation and that things need to change because while you respect that he needs time to work, he also needs to "work" on his family life and marriage, like everyone else. If it were me, I would also mention how utterly rude it is that he can't even tear himself away from the computer to eat the dinner you made him, leaving you to eat alone. When he says, "I'm trying to get us money," don't just let that be the end of it. Say, "Okay, let's talk about this money." Is he actually making a decent income from it? Try to discuss the amount of hours he puts in vs. how much he's making to figure out how much he makes per hour. If he's making a decent enough wage from it, then maybe you can suggest he get an assistant, or maybe you can help, or maybe he can work less hours at his day job (he has one, right?) Or you can discuss whether or not you two actually need the extra money. If he's not really making much, then his internet business is more of a hobby, and he's putting his hobby before the needs of his family and that needs to change. Just talk to him and tell him exactly how you're feeling. Be prepared to compromise and negotiate and come to a solution that works for both of you. If he won't work with you, then you'll have to reevaluate the relationship and figure out whether you want to stay with a person who prioritizes work and hobbies over you and his son. 1
LoveMyWifey Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 CC12 said it well. I am in interested in knowing if your man has ADD/ADHD. I do and I have spend an incredible amount of time and energy learing about it over the years. For me personally I had a problem in years past where I would "hyper focus". I couldn't hold a job pre-medicated because of the shear lack of concentration but would be so focused on what I was passionate about (working on computer games) that I would completely be zoned out and literally unaware of the world around me. I am not a health care professional but I can relate my own experience to your fiance's. ADD/ADHD is not an excuse for bad behaviour but for myself it finding out that I had it and taking positive steps to address it changed my life, both financially and with my personal relationships. All the best with it. I sometimes say to women who ask... "Men sometimes are just buttheads and need a kick in the rear end to wake them up".
Els Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 How many hours a week is he actually spending on work? Is he working on the website in addition to full-time employment? What sort of website is it?
Author JamieOB2 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 well, this is a typical day...he gets up at 2-2:30am to go to work, he gets home at 6-6:30am. I am up at this time to be at work by 7:30. When he gets home he goes right to the computer and he's there from the time I leave for work to the time I come home for lunch, which is about 12:30 or so. Sometimes, he doesn't even have lunch with me, mind you I have an hour for lunch. He still sits at his computer by the time I leave. I get done work at 6-6:30pm and he is either at his computer or sleeping. I make dinner when I get home and sometimes he will sit to have dinner and sometimes he doesn't. If he does sit to have dinner, he eats and then 10 minutes later is back on his computer and doesn't get off of the computer until about 10-10:30 at night. And this goes the same for the weekends.
Els Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Okay, that's just weird. It's just for ONE website, and he's been spending that much time at it for years?? What sort of website is that? How much is he making off of that?
2sunny Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 well, this is a typical day...he gets up at 2-2:30am to go to work, he gets home at 6-6:30am. I am up at this time to be at work by 7:30. When he gets home he goes right to the computer and he's there from the time I leave for work to the time I come home for lunch, which is about 12:30 or so. Sometimes, he doesn't even have lunch with me, mind you I have an hour for lunch. He still sits at his computer by the time I leave. I get done work at 6-6:30pm and he is either at his computer or sleeping. I make dinner when I get home and sometimes he will sit to have dinner and sometimes he doesn't. If he does sit to have dinner, he eats and then 10 minutes later is back on his computer and doesn't get off of the computer until about 10-10:30 at night. And this goes the same for the weekends. Is there ANY reason why you're with a guy that's married to his computer? I'd leave him in a hot second! At least if you're on your own - you aren't with someone but still feel alone. That's not a balance relationship! He adds nothig to being with you. Wy feel invisible to him - that would completely suck that he doesn't make you his priority!
CC12 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 well, this is a typical day...he gets up at 2-2:30am to go to work, he gets home at 6-6:30am. I am up at this time to be at work by 7:30. When he gets home he goes right to the computer and he's there from the time I leave for work to the time I come home for lunch, which is about 12:30 or so. Sometimes, he doesn't even have lunch with me, mind you I have an hour for lunch. He still sits at his computer by the time I leave. I get done work at 6-6:30pm and he is either at his computer or sleeping. I make dinner when I get home and sometimes he will sit to have dinner and sometimes he doesn't. If he does sit to have dinner, he eats and then 10 minutes later is back on his computer and doesn't get off of the computer until about 10-10:30 at night. And this goes the same for the weekends. It sounds like he could rearrange his schedule so that he's sleeping when you're at work. Since you're away from the house for 11 hours at a time, he could sleep and still get some work done on his website. Is there any reason that might not work? I'm also curious what kind of website it is (you don't have to be that specific) and an estimate of how much he makes from it. Do you know? How do you guys handle the bills? Do you split them 50/50?
Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 well, this is a typical day...he gets up at 2-2:30am to go to work, he gets home at 6-6:30am. I am up at this time to be at work by 7:30. When he gets home he goes right to the computer and he's there from the time I leave for work to the time I come home for lunch, which is about 12:30 or so. Sometimes, he doesn't even have lunch with me, mind you I have an hour for lunch. He still sits at his computer by the time I leave. I get done work at 6-6:30pm and he is either at his computer or sleeping. I make dinner when I get home and sometimes he will sit to have dinner and sometimes he doesn't. If he does sit to have dinner, he eats and then 10 minutes later is back on his computer and doesn't get off of the computer until about 10-10:30 at night. And this goes the same for the weekends. You're looking at this backwards because the easy answer is that he's avoiding you. Work isn't the thing that's taking him away, it's the place he's gone to hide from your relationship. Other guys choose TV, hanging with friends, sports, etc. So the next question is - why would he want to do this ? What about you, your relationship or his own insecurities has caused him to run? Because he hasn't been kidnapped by the Taliban, he's sitting in front of a LCD screen a few feet away... Mr. Lucky 1
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