stage 2... now what?

[Lillyfree]

not sure if this would belong in the marriage section - i just feel more comfortable posting here as there are some lovely insightful people that have already helped a lot.

 

as you know i've had and EA with a guy from another city, and broke it of just before he moved to where i am. it's now been over 3 months, close to 2 of absolutely no contact. and i feel that i'm close to being over it. i'm over him in any case... at best, i am disappointed that i allowed myself to be so blind and to fall for him the way i have.

it hasn't all been for nothing though - i've learnt a lot about myself and realised what i needed from my M.

 

there were many talks with my H. he seems to have taken the whole OM thing seriously, but got over it quite quickly... subsequently we have been more open with each other than we ever were in the 15 years together. and at first, thing seemed great. he has listened to me and seemed to really put the effort in regarding affection and closeness i needed from him. i haven't been so happy with our R for a very, very long time....

then, things slowly started to go back to where they were prior to the A and everything that came after it. all the mini-breaks, date nights, litlle presents and surprises - all done at my end. the physical side of the relationship never really changed, again it's all my initiative and in itself a completely different thread - mentioning it here to complete the picture. and to clarify, this isn't because of the A. this is our relationship for the past 5 years, maybe even longer.

 

so, now i am where i was a year ago. it's just that on top of it, i'm dealing with some fairly serious FOO and extended family problems. my parents are going through a fairly nasty separation. my brother's unwell. my grandfather, who is in another country is very ill. (he was really my father figure, as my father was never there, so i am very close to him). it seems that everything is just collapsing around me, and i'm expected to hold everyone together.

 

H has been very helpful with my parents, my brother, he's very understanding. however, as far as the two of us go, it's like we're just friends.

we had a fight last friday, then another talk on saturday... he just keeps getting defensive and turns everything back on me. he's very passive aggressive, and i've been aware of that for a very long time. i've spent the sunday crying. have been off work since monday, i have this horrible headache, can't keep anything down and just feel like sleeping all the time, and doing nothing else.

 

i don't want to D. he says he doesn't want to either. yet i'm becoming a bigger mess everyday, and am not happy at all. i thought i was, i thought things were finally becoming good between us... turns out it's the same old cr@p it always was....

 

not even sure what the question is. this is just the skeleton of the story, my head's still not 100% and i'm having trouble putting thoughts into words. in a very, very bad place lately. just...empty and tired.

[Pierre]

not sure if this would belong in the marriage section - i just feel more comfortable posting here as there are some lovely insightful people that have already helped a lot.

 

as you know i've had and EA with a guy from another city, and broke it of just before he moved to where i am. it's now been over 3 months, close to 2 of absolutely no contact. and i feel that i'm close to being over it. i'm over him in any case... at best, i am disappointed that i allowed myself to be so blind and to fall for him the way i have.

it hasn't all been for nothing though - i've learnt a lot about myself and realised what i needed from my M.

 

there were many talks with my H. he seems to have taken the whole OM thing seriously, but got over it quite quickly... subsequently we have been more open with each other than we ever were in the 15 years together. and at first, thing seemed great. he has listened to me and seemed to really put the effort in regarding affection and closeness i needed from him. i haven't been so happy with our R for a very, very long time....

then, things slowly started to go back to where they were prior to the A and everything that came after it. all the mini-breaks, date nights, litlle presents and surprises - all done at my end. the physical side of the relationship never really changed, again it's all my initiative and in itself a completely different thread - mentioning it here to complete the picture. and to clarify, this isn't because of the A. this is our relationship for the past 5 years, maybe even longer.

 

so, now i am where i was a year ago. it's just that on top of it, i'm dealing with some fairly serious FOO and extended family problems. my parents are going through a fairly nasty separation. my brother's unwell. my grandfather, who is in another country is very ill. (he was really my father figure, as my father was never there, so i am very close to him). it seems that everything is just collapsing around me, and i'm expected to hold everyone together.

 

H has been very helpful with my parents, my brother, he's very understanding. however, as far as the two of us go, it's like we're just friends.

we had a fight last friday, then another talk on saturday... he just keeps getting defensive and turns everything back on me. he's very passive aggressive, and i've been aware of that for a very long time. i've spent the sunday crying. have been off work since monday, i have this horrible headache, can't keep anything down and just feel like sleeping all the time, and doing nothing else.

 

i don't want to D. he says he doesn't want to either. yet i'm becoming a bigger mess everyday, and am not happy at all. i thought i was, i thought things were finally becoming good between us... turns out it's the same old cr@p it always was....

 

not even sure what the question is. this is just the skeleton of the story, my head's still not 100% and i'm having trouble putting thoughts into words. in a very, very bad place lately. just...empty and tired.

 

As long as you have huge need for external validation you will remin unhappy in your marriage. It is unfair to expect another person to make you happy. No one can make you happy 24/7.

 

You were happy when your H reacted to your EA and now that he has calmed down you are upset again. You cherished the attention he gave you by being upset with your infidelity.

 

The problem is not your H. The problem is YOU.

[Lillyfree]

i dunno pierre. that could be part of it, yet i'm consciously trying to stay away from it.

 

i'm not that needy and i definitely dislike drama - i would rather have a calm, close, loving relationship with him.

 

is requiring him to make an effort every now and then, physically desire me, and talk to me about things that bother him 'external validation'? i mean, if any input by him into the marriage isn't required and i should be just happy on my own, then i'd be better off on my own?

[Pierre]

i dunno pierre. that could be part of it, yet i'm consciously trying to stay away from it.

 

i'm not that needy and i definitely dislike drama - i would rather have a calm, close, loving relationship with him.

 

is requiring him to make an effort every now and then, physically desire me, and talk to me about things that bother him 'external validation'? i mean, if any input by him into the marriage isn't required and i should be just happy on my own, then i'd be better off on my own?

 

You may have a point. Some men don't talk, show zero desire in physical expressions of affection, and do not know how to tweak women the right way. In many ways these men are the opposite of cheating men. They are quiet and not very expressive.

 

If the above is the case you need to visit your marriage counselor. Being romantic with women is not that hard and the rewards are huge. In my case I would never walk alongside my wife without holding hands.

[Lillyfree]

H says we don't need MC. he agrees that he needs to put in more effort. yet when it comes to actually doing something ... nada.

 

i sometimes think that he's actually happy with the way things are, and is only agreeing in order to shut me up. i'm fulfilling my part, i've done everything he asked...

just over it tbh

[anne1707]

I don't see why your H needs to do anything right now. Infidelity is enough to deal with. He's not yelling or reacting badly anymore, he's calm and accepting? Count your lucky stars. You really think he should be wooing you back? After *you* cheated? Seriously?

 

Seriously? This is what you think?

 

That a fWS is not allowed to have a happy marriage? That she should be happy and grateful to stay in a marriage with problems? The OP wants to work on and improve her marriage but she cannot do that on her own. It's not about "wooing", it's about caring.

[Pierre]

Seriously? This is what you think?

 

That a fWS is not allowed to have a happy marriage? That she should be happy and grateful to stay in a marriage with problems? The OP wants to work on and improve her marriage but she cannot do that on her own. It's not about "wooing", it's about caring.

 

This is the same old story.

 

Some people expect the spouse to bring them happiness. If the spouse does not make them happy they stray or get a divorce. This is the typical song and dance of cheating MM, "my wife does not make me happy", "she does not give me sex", "after my kids were born she spends too much time with the children, etc". Cheating MW do then same dance too.

 

Some people are perfectly happy on their own and do not need the spouse to make them happy. These people usually do not cheat. However, they are puzzled by the relentless desire of the other spouse for attention. They simply do not get it. It is a shame, because it is very easy to meet the emotional need of attention.

[anne1707]

This is the same old story.

 

Some people expect the spouse to bring them happiness. If the spouse does not make them happy they stray or get a divorce. This is the typical song and dance of cheating MM, "my wife does not make me happy", "she does not give me sex", "after my kids were born she spends too much time with the children, etc". Cheating MW do then same dance too.

 

Some people are perfectly happy on their own and do not need the spouse to make them happy. These people usually do not cheat. However, they are puzzled by the relentless desire of the other spouse for attention. They simply do not get it. It is a shame, because it is very easy to meet the emotional need of attention.

 

 

But she is not flawed by wanting more attention from her husband based on what has been posted. It seems to me that she is after a healthy and reasonable amount of interaction with her husband. She is trying to tackle the problems in the marriage from BEFORE the affair. This is the right thing to do.

[RainDown]

Hi, Lilly. I didn't get from your post that you expect your husband to "make" you happy. What I'm understanding is that you have needs for affection, attention, sex, togetherness and bonding and that you would like for your husband to meet those needs. I don't see anything dysfunctional about that. I think those are the very things that most people would like from their mate.

 

If I'm understanding you correctly, you have verbalized these needs to your spouse and it seems that he either cannot or will not make any kind of real effort to meet your needs, and it sounds like this has been going on for years.

 

Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do when you have told your partner over and over again that your needs are not being met and that you are unhappy and your partner simply isn't interested in fixing the problem. You can't force him to help; hell, you can't force him to even want to help for that matter.

 

There's a point where most people just stop beating their head against the wall and call it a day. 5 years is a long time to be at an impasse. I doubt he'll just magically do anything about it at this point, so you'll have to. You can't live like this forever.

 

Life is short. Do you really want to live like this for a few more decades? Or forever? What I would do is see a counselor (with or without your husband) and lay out a concrete plan to solve this problem within a certain time frame. Then give it all you got. If it works, great. If not, walk away.

 

A marriage (or any relationship) should not make you ill. That is just not a healthy way to live.

[Lillyfree]

This is the same old story.

 

Some people expect the spouse to bring them happiness. If the spouse does not make them happy they stray or get a divorce. This is the typical song and dance of cheating MM, "my wife does not make me happy", "she does not give me sex", "after my kids were born she spends too much time with the children, etc". Cheating MW do then same dance too.

 

Some people are perfectly happy on their own and do not need the spouse to make them happy. These people usually do not cheat. However, they are puzzled by the relentless desire of the other spouse for attention. They simply do not get it. It is a shame, because it is very easy to meet the emotional need of attention.

 

well, tbh i don't see why he would be unhappy.

i keep the house in order, take care of the bills, am a great cook. i work a few hours less than him per week so that i can be there for the kids when they need help with homework, taking them to sport... yet we bring in pretty much the same amount in wages. i support everything that he is willing to undertake regarding his hobbies/interests. i don't put any demands on his time, in fact i encourage him to go out and spend time with just his guy friends.

on top of that, i kill myself exercising and eating right, i'm in better shape than i've been when we got together.

i compliment him, and as mentioned before i do little things to show him i appreciate him, and that i want to spend time with him. i am affectionate and as far as intimacy goes never refuse him.

 

so, if i'm to be completely objective, he doesn't have much of a reason to be unhappy and cheat.

[Lillyfree]

But she is not flawed by wanting more attention from her husband based on what has been posted. It seems to me that she is after a healthy and reasonable amount of interaction with her husband. She is trying to tackle the problems in the marriage from BEFORE the affair. This is the right thing to do.

 

that is exactly it - with everything that's happened in the last few months, i clung to the hope that it wasn't for nothing, that it was going to improve our marriage. yet, seems like it's gone full circle and i'm back to where i was, with the addition of having gone through some serious heartache and a blow to self esteem regarding OM.

 

i'm actually quite happy on my own - i keep myself busy, and i don't need 24-hour attention and adoration from anyone. actually, i need some time to myself each week in order to keep my sanity.

[Lillyfree]

Hi, Lilly. I didn't get from your post that you expect your husband to "make" you happy. What I'm understanding is that you have needs for affection, attention, sex, togetherness and bonding and that you would like for your husband to meet those needs. I don't see anything dysfunctional about that. I think those are the very things that most people would like from their mate.

 

exactly. at least, to me that's what a commited relationship is about. i don't need anyone to 'make' me happy - but i need to see some effort and willingness.

 

If I'm understanding you correctly, you have verbalized these needs to your spouse and it seems that he either cannot or will not make any kind of real effort to meet your needs, and it sounds like this has been going on for years.

 

yes. at least 5 years, maybe longer.

before the A, we fought a lot. i knew things weren't right but at the time i couldn't verbalise it. my reaction is to push until things are out in the open, and then sort them out.

H however is very passive, so every time i said something we would fight, leaving me feeling guilty... that there must be something wrong with me because he doesn't think we have problems. this is something he's admitted to me recently, that it was what he did wrong and that he should have heard me out instead of pretending everything's fine and then withdrawing further.

 

Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do when you have told your partner over and over again that your needs are not being met and that you are unhappy and your partner simply isn't interested in fixing the problem. You can't force him to help; hell, you can't force him to even want to help for that matter.

 

There's a point where most people just stop beating their head against the wall and call it a day. 5 years is a long time to be at an impasse. I doubt he'll just magically do anything about it at this point, so you'll have to. You can't live like this forever.

 

Life is short. Do you really want to live like this for a few more decades? Or forever? What I would do is see a counselor (with or without your husband) and lay out a concrete plan to solve this problem within a certain time frame. Then give it all you got. If it works, great. If not, walk away.

 

A marriage (or any relationship) should not make you ill. That is just not a healthy way to live.

 

i do realise that, and have thought of just calling it quits. i do believe that as it stands, i would be happier being single.

however, my kids are and have always been my number one. they are doing really well in school, both in advanced classes, and if they keep going this way through their education they'll have a basis for a great life. they love us both, and have mentioned a few times that most of their friends' parents are divorced, and that they're glad their parents are still together. i believe that disrupting their lives at the moment would set them back.

 

also, although my husband and i both earn a good salary setting up another household would take those resources from them, and i would feel very selfish doing that.

[Lillyfree]

Originally Posted by MFH70

I don't see why your H needs to do anything right now. Infidelity is enough to deal with. He's not yelling or reacting badly anymore, he's calm and accepting? Count your lucky stars. You really think he should be wooing you back? After *you* cheated? Seriously?

 

hi MFH. not surprised to see you've shown up.

 

i've taken full responsibility for what i've done, and he's not reacting badly because he realised what his part was in all of it.

 

and i very much disagree with you. i believe there are things he could do and he doesn't need to do much. our problems are not the result of my A, if they were i would understand.

 

 

and tbh, i'm just so over things right now - enough to say that as far as he's concerned i refuse to feel guilty for what i've done.