New2Love4Now Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 But I would like to consult with my friends here on LS who have been so extremely supportive so far. Love you guys :') This will be the last time I bring this up guys, I promise. I might just be thinking with my heart but I'd like to explain why it seems like a good idea to contact my ex. Lots of you may already know my story a bit, but I'd like to go into a little more detail. The last time I contacted my ex I fired off a bunch of stupid text messages; they weren't begging or pleading but they were things I just should not have been bringing up, and she didn't respond. They were me"getting things off my chest." A few days prior to this I had a friendly conversation with my ex and we agreed to be friends. I felt like a complete idiot after sending my last messages and decided to commit to NC. What really bothered me was that after this had happened, I deleted a very long written message that I had written to her on a Google document that was shared between us, only because I felt embarrassed by it. I had written the message while still trying to get her back so it contained lots of compliments, nice things etc. This backfired because it shows who made the last edit to the document and when, and it showed that I had deleted everything that I said to her just shortly after I stupidly texted her and got ignored. She noticed this, because she deleted her last nice words to me and you can see why it makes me look extremely unattractive. (I send a bunch of stupid texts, get ignored, throw a fit, go online and delete what I had written to her out of spite - that's what it looks like) And now she believes that I'm not contacting her because I'm angry and bitter. I would not even be considering contacting her, but it's very bothersome that her last impression of me (which makes me look pathetic) will be based on a misunderstanding. I've been heavily debating just writing her a short message explaining myself. Even if she doesn't care, she will at least know the truth. I feel like it would give me some peace of mind and allow me to start grieving instead of constantly debating if I should do it or not. I would write her the message and share it as a Google document without notifying her email, and she will likely not see the message for a long time, possibly never. But I would know that it's there for her to see. I can't imagine her exploding at me for a short message. At most she will be indifferent, and I'll be in the same boat. I feel like I'm thinking clearly and have weighed the pros and cons but lately I feel like I can't trust my judgement. All I know is that this damn decision won't leave my mind. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and could not fall back asleep for hours because my mind couldn't stop coming up with things that I want to say in the message. This is my first heartbreak and it's taking a huge toll on me, especially because of it how it ended.
destroyed4sho Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 If you have a REALLY burning desire to do it, then do it. I recommend that you email it instead bc then you know for sure that she read it and you won't be wandering for months. But, honestly, if I were you I wouldn't bother. Your reaction and text messages were pretty normal. She knows the hand she played in this. (I send a bunch of stupid texts, get ignored, throw a fit, go online and delete what I had written to her out of spite - that's what it looks like) So what? Be proud you deleted it. People react with emotion, everyday, around the world. You will get over it. And now she believes that I'm not contacting her because I'm angry and bitter. She'll get over it. 2
ScienceGal Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Doesn't seem like you have anything to lose. If you're doing it solely to make yourself feel better, then go for it. But realize it might not change anything, accept that she 1) may not read it 2) may not respond 3) may not change her opinion of you.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I wouldn't send it. If anything, it'll reinforce that last impression that you so badly want her to delete. She'll understand over time that you were acting out of raw emotion and you leaving her alone and working on yourself shows that you realize the error of your actions more than sending another text/email/note. Sending something to apologize for sending too many messages just comes off weird. The other reason is that you will be looking for a response and the odds of that response being something that satisfies you is very little. If she doesn't respond, you'll be devastated. If she does, you'll overanalyze and misinterpret the response and be tempted to send another message. Which would make the message you did send saying that you were sorry about sending a bunch of messages look like a bunch of bulls--t. Write it out for your own peace of mind, but do not send. Keep NC and work on improving your life. Maybe down the road you can revisit contacting her, but not now. 1
mcdo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) Send it. When I cut my ex off Facebook I immediately regretted it. And it had me down for a few days. I thought she would now view me as some bitter jealous guy that couldn't even handle being friends on social media. I messaged her apologising for being childish. She was cool with it. And just like that I was cool and calm again. We're not friends on FB again but once she got an explanation from me I was at peace. But make sure with yourself what your motives are. If you just want to fix your poor last impression then go ahead. If you're hoping for anything more then stay NC. Edited February 21, 2013 by mcdo
TaraMaiden Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Send it - don't send it - send it - don't send it. Follow your gut. But without a doubt, you are setting yourself up for disappointment either way. No good feeling will ever come of this. She replies - it won't be what you want to hear. She doesn't reply - you'll be forever wondering, "What did she think?" Why keep stabbing your thigh with a pen-knife? 2
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Thank you guys, I really do appreciate all the advice. I know the decision will ultimately be mine, so what I'll do is write the message out and give it more time and thought before sending it. Should I keep it short and only say what I need to? Would it be a mistake to say things that show I still have feelings for her? I wouldn't tell her I love her or bring up parts of the relationship but I'd like to tell her that I still care about her and always will etc. It feels like it would make sense in my last message but I also don't want to piss her off anymore so I could just say what I need to say and wish her luck. Would that be better?
mcdo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Short, sweet and to the point. No feelings, no past and certainly nothing to piss her off. Your focus should just be on fixing the poor last impression. If you think you were being an ass with the stupid text messages then there's no harm in apologising for being an ass. But again, no feelings, no past and nothing to piss her off. And don't fall into the trap of an extended conversation. Make your point (and your apology if you have to) and let that be it. You should be cool, calm, collected and moving on. If in reality you aren't any of those things, don't let her know. Just make it seem that way.
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) Short, sweet and to the point. No feelings, no past and certainly nothing to piss her off. Your focus should just be on fixing the poor last impression. If you think you were being an ass with the stupid text messages then there's no harm in apologising for being an ass. But again, no feelings, no past and nothing to piss her off. And don't fall into the trap of an extended conversation. Make your point (and your apology if you have to) and let that be it. You should be cool, calm, collected and moving on. If in reality you aren't any of those things, don't let her know. Just make it seem that way. Alright thank you! Well, this happened three weeks ago and I would be bringing up the past to explain myself and make my point, but do you mean the past just as in the relationship? Also, the message seems overdue so should I explain that I'm writing it now because I wanted to give her space? Edited February 21, 2013 by New2Love4Now
mcdo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Alright thank you! Well, this happened three weeks ago and I would be bringing up the past to explain myself and make my point, but do you mean the past just as in the relationship? Yes don't bring up any relationship issues, good memories, bad memories or anything like that. And leave out the caring for her forever stuff. Unfortunately you gotta take all of your emotion and put it to one side. Don't let it clog up your message. Be clear on the intent of the message i.e. you want to clear up your poor last impression. If you go into anything like feelings, the past, etc. she probably won't respond. When I sent an apology message to my ex I explained myself and stuck to the point. I said Valentines got me down and blocking her on Facebook was my way of reacting. And that I was sorry for acting so childish. And she was cool with that explanation. And all of a sudden I was fine again. I left it at that and got on with my day (and hung out with some nice ladies that night ). 1
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 I want her to know the truth, but it's a pretty complicated situation that I couldn't explain in a short message of a few sentences. If I write it out and it turns a little too long I'm afraid it will just piss her off. If I try to condense it as much as possible I'm afraid it will seem like BS and that I'm just trying to get her back. Is it true that whatever I say to her at this point will not change her opinion of me at all? I'm starting to accept that she is never going to want me again but for some reason I want her to know that I'm not some spiteful prick who's not contacting her because she wouldn't reply to my pathetic messages. If her opinion of me still matters so much to me does it mean that I'm a long way from actually being over her?
flitzanu Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 But I would like to consult with my friends here on LS who have been so extremely supportive so far. Love you guys :') This will be the last time I bring this up guys, I promise. I might just be thinking with my heart but I'd like to explain why it seems like a good idea to contact my ex. Lots of you may already know my story a bit, but I'd like to go into a little more detail. The last time I contacted my ex I fired off a bunch of stupid text messages; they weren't begging or pleading but they were things I just should not have been bringing up, and she didn't respond. They were me"getting things off my chest." A few days prior to this I had a friendly conversation with my ex and we agreed to be friends. I felt like a complete idiot after sending my last messages and decided to commit to NC. What really bothered me was that after this had happened, I deleted a very long written message that I had written to her on a Google document that was shared between us, only because I felt embarrassed by it. I had written the message while still trying to get her back so it contained lots of compliments, nice things etc. This backfired because it shows who made the last edit to the document and when, and it showed that I had deleted everything that I said to her just shortly after I stupidly texted her and got ignored. She noticed this, because she deleted her last nice words to me and you can see why it makes me look extremely unattractive. (I send a bunch of stupid texts, get ignored, throw a fit, go online and delete what I had written to her out of spite - that's what it looks like) And now she believes that I'm not contacting her because I'm angry and bitter. I would not even be considering contacting her, but it's very bothersome that her last impression of me (which makes me look pathetic) will be based on a misunderstanding. I've been heavily debating just writing her a short message explaining myself. Even if she doesn't care, she will at least know the truth. I feel like it would give me some peace of mind and allow me to start grieving instead of constantly debating if I should do it or not. I would write her the message and share it as a Google document without notifying her email, and she will likely not see the message for a long time, possibly never. But I would know that it's there for her to see. I can't imagine her exploding at me for a short message. At most she will be indifferent, and I'll be in the same boat. I feel like I'm thinking clearly and have weighed the pros and cons but lately I feel like I can't trust my judgement. All I know is that this damn decision won't leave my mind. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and could not fall back asleep for hours because my mind couldn't stop coming up with things that I want to say in the message. This is my first heartbreak and it's taking a huge toll on me, especially because of it how it ended. you're bargaining with yourself that your reasons are valid to send it, so if you want to send it then do it. we'll still be here to listen to you when you write us telling us that she ignored the message or reiterated again how it's over and she wants nothing to do with you. 1
LostGirl11 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Just stick to the point. Say sorry. No more, no less. You're over thinking. Be honest with yourself. Is this really just for your peace of mind or are you hoping she'll reply....
cavalier99 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) DUDE. What are you thinking?. ...Well actually obviously your not thinking. DON'T SEND ANYTHING!!! This is a horrible idea no matter how you justify it. ANYTHING you send will make you look pathetic and more importantly FEEL PATHETIC. You'll look like and idiot and set back your healing any destroy any self esteem you have left. Cav Edited February 21, 2013 by cavalier99 4
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Do you guys really think it's that bad of an idea? It's just a short message maturely apologizing for being a jackass and leaving a bad impression. A week after our BU I texted her and got ignored. The next day I texted again and had a friendly conversation with her. Ok then I F'd up by sending some stupid messages and getting ignored, but I don't think she's anywhere near feeling harassed by me. I'm just telling her I feel bad that we ended on bad terms and want to make it right. There's no sounding needy/desperate to talk. Plus, it is extremely unlikely that she will see this message in the near future. She'll only see it if she gets curious to actually check if I've sent her something. This means that she'll only see it if she actually WANTS to see if I've sent something. It could be months from now, and if she sees a mature apology from me and then no contact since then... well who knows her opinion of me might change. I value all of your opinions which is why I'm running this by you guys.
destroyed4sho Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 you're bargaining with yourself that your reasons are valid to send it, so if you want to send it then do it. we'll still be here to listen to you when you write us telling us that she ignored the message or reiterated again how it's over and she wants nothing to do with you. or better yet, we will still be here when you are writing in June about how you are not sure she actually read the message that you posted on shared files and if you should delete it already or not...ugh Don't do it, bad idea....just be happy you went out with a bang....and told her a few things...lol...why do you need to be mr. niceguy? I think you are hoping to get a response and open up doors......it can't be bc you are trying to be mr. niceguy is it? If that is the case, get over yourself please.
cavalier99 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 OK I'm giving you the straight up deal. Here is the problem. If you apologise it looks desperate and pathetic. If you tell her to f*ck off. It looks desperate and pathetic. If you send a nice letter... perfect tone. It looks desperate and pathetic. Basically anything other than not sending anything look desperate and pathetic. I'm really sorry. You need to maintain NC. There is nothing you can do other than this. In her eyes no matter what you sent it is BAD. And more importantly it serves no purpose for you except setting you back. I know it sucks. But what else can you do? Please maintain your self respect. That is all we have right now. Don't lose it. Believe me you will regret sending anything. You will do what you want and that is you deal...but i know how thins ends after you sent it. And it doesn't help anything and will f*ck u up. Try to let it go and stay NC. OK? This is truly the best solution for you peace of mind. Good luck. Rock on! Cav
marklarsson Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 From a female perspective do any of you lady or will any of you ladies see what the OP wants to do as desperate and pathetic? Don't some females want to feel needed as well as wanted in a relationship?
brokenbeaten Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 From a female perspective do any of you lady or will any of you ladies see what the OP wants to do as desperate and pathetic? Don't some females want to feel needed as well as wanted in a relationship? I don't have much experience with BU (or r/s in general) but I am tempted to say just go ahead and write that letter of apology because you feel bad for coming off as a jerk. If I were the girl, I would appreciate that sincerity. and if she does think of you as desperate and pathetic - so what? at least you'll get to sleep at night knowing that you have righted your "perceived wrong". I think its up to you. Which would you regret more? being seen as desperate and pathetic or being seen and cold and bitter? Your pride may take a hit but so what? This too shall pass and be a blip in time - but you will be clear your conscience perhaps? Just be secure about your feelings - know that its OK to love someone even if they break your heart. The only person who you need to worry about right now is yourself - heal yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else, including your ex, thinks of you. If you think that her thinking of you as a desperate person will set you back - listen to everyone on here and don't do it. I found it helpful to say my piece to my ex because the "what ifs" were killing me - I didn't get any response and yes it hurt but I don't wonder "what if" anymore. I know he knows and there's nothing I can do so there's no urge to contact him anymore either....now onwards it's all about moving on... Like I said, every situation is different and the folks on here have been here longer and have more experience than I do...but i still wanted to share my perspective... 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 From a female perspective do any of you lady or will any of you ladies see what the OP wants to do as desperate and pathetic? That depends very much on the lady, but on the whole, if the lady is the dumper, then, yes. It's desperate and pathetic. "Just get the damn message will you? It's over! It's over' also means I really don't want you crawling along the pavement, being dragged by my leg you're desperately clinging to - I don't want rose-petals strewn in my way, or desperate attempts at romantic gestures. Because these never happened while we were together, so why throw in the effort now it's over?" Part of the reason women dump men is because they're obviously not getting what they need or crave, from the relationship. And many men posting about being dumped - admit this, in their posts. So many threads by dumped men say this. They agree, confirm or concede that they were rude, took their ladies for granted, didn't pay attention, were dismissive, wrapped up in themselves, were selfish, didn't spend enough time, argued and got angry..... Yet they hope that now (when it's too late) by doing those things, the ladies will magically turn round and declare, "Oh good, you're doing it now! That's ok then, let's carry on where we left off!" Nope. Too little too late. And you're doing it just to get me back, not to prove you've changed for good. Just wait - I go out with you again, and after a while, you'll "revert to type". Don't some females want to feel needed as well as wanted in a relationship? Of course. IN and DURING a relationship. Not once it's over, no!!
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Alright thank you guys, I'm going to go ahead and stay no contact. I do wish that there was some way to show that I'm not a bitter and spiteful prick but I guess there's no way to do that without looking desperate and pathetic. Maybe I should contact her sometime in the future? Perhaps in 3-6 months? In reality my situation doesn't seem so bad. I mean, she hasn't screamed at me telling me to stop contacting her and that she hates me so it could be a lot worse, right? Sometimes I get the feeling that I've messed up bad and that she hates me but other times I feel like I'm not in such a bad position. What would you guys say? If I just leave her alone now for a while is there hope for reconciliation in the future? It was a long distance RS and there was never any arguing between us, she just fell out of love but I gave her a hard time and probably stressed her out a lot.
LostGirl11 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 That depends very much on the lady, but on the whole, if the lady is the dumper, then, yes. It's desperate and pathetic. "Just get the damn message will you? It's over! It's over' also means I really don't want you crawling along the pavement, being dragged by my leg you're desperately clinging to - I don't want rose-petals strewn in my way, or desperate attempts at romantic gestures. Because these never happened while we were together, so why throw in the effort now it's over?" Part of the reason women dump men is because they're obviously not getting what they need or crave, from the relationship. And many men posting about being dumped - admit this, in their posts. So many threads by dumped men say this. They agree, confirm or concede that they were rude, took their ladies for granted, didn't pay attention, were dismissive, wrapped up in themselves, were selfish, didn't spend enough time, argued and got angry..... Yet they hope that now (when it's too late) by doing those things, the ladies will magically turn round and declare, "Oh good, you're doing it now! That's ok then, let's carry on where we left off!" Nope. Too little too late. And you're doing it just to get me back, not to prove you've changed for good. Just wait - I go out with you again, and after a while, you'll "revert to type". Of course. IN and DURING a relationship. Not once it's over, no!! They were rude, took their ladies for granted, didn't pay attention, were dismissive, wrapped up in themselves, were selfish, didn't spend enough time, argued and got angry..... This sounds exactly like my ex, but he dumped me! How the **** does that work
destroyed4sho Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 They were rude, took their ladies for granted, didn't pay attention, were dismissive, wrapped up in themselves, were selfish, didn't spend enough time, argued and got angry..... This sounds exactly like my ex, but he dumped me! How the **** does that work Did you start holding him to a certain standard before the relationship ended? Usually they ditch you when you start to show any sign of self-respect.
LostGirl11 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Did you start holding him to a certain standard before the relationship ended? Usually they ditch you when you start to show any sign of self-respect. I wouldn't say that no. But I did tell him how I felt taken for granted and felt dismissed. Now I'm crying! Been fine all week!
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