ex boyfriend led me on then said he was no longer attracted to me, heartbroken

[my body is a cage]

i was in a very good loving relationship with my ex boyfriend for 7 months. our relationship was quasi - long distance - he lived about 3 hrs away via train, but we would see each other several times a month. although we come from different backgrounds (he dropped out of high school, is 27 and has a 5 year old son, i graduated college a year ago) we were very compatible, attracted to each other, had a lot of fun together and were very respectful towards each other. i miss our relationship so much it hurts.

 

in december, we broke up because his "babymamma" was getting married and moving away with his son to a different state, and he felt that it wasn't right for him to continue to be in a relationship (it is unclear whom broke up with whom). also, he has his own demons - he struggles to keep a job and sustain himself, smokes weed every day, sometimes does other drugs. also, he was sexually abused as a child and has even been in porn a few times bc hes been so desperate for money. i know he has some hang ups about sex.

 

although outwardly my life is in order, i have abandoment issues and have low self esteem. i have been told throughout my life that i am way above average looking, but somehow this has made me more insecure - that my personality is so unattractive that no one will want me despite my looks, or that my looks really aren't that great at all. my ex boyfriend is also objectively very good looking, but he struggles with self esteem issues as well.

 

after we broke up, my boyfriend demanded that we stay in touch even though i said it would be difficult for me. he said he still loved me and cared about me and it was selfish for me not to be his friends when i have been his best friend (he has trouble keeping friends, presumably because he treats people so poorly i am now coming to realize). for 2.5 months, he would call me all the time, ask to come visit me, tell me he was sorry he couldnt continue w the relationship at that time but just felt it wasn't right w his son moving and needed space, told me he loved me and wanted to snuggle with me for 18 hours. he also continuously pressured me to skype w him and have skype sex with him, which i felt weird about doing but conceded because i loved him, even though it did nothing for me.

 

a couple of weeks ago, his son moved away, and he decided that he is going to save up money (even though he's mostly spending it on drugs) and move to the state his son is moved to. he kept saying how he missed me, wanted to come visit me, etc. i said i would visit him because i didnt want him to come to my home bc im currently living w my mom, and we decided we would be each others valentines.

 

i visited him on friday, even though he had been acting colder since his son moved. he made me an elaborate card, we watched a movie, snuggled, had sex. afterwards, he told me that he had been considering asking me to move w him to texas, but that he is still not ready for a committed intimate relationship.

 

in fact, he told me that he was afraid of intimacy in general, and didn't want to hook up at all anymore, because sex brings people closer and hes afraid of being too close. he said he was not interested in hooking up with or having a relationship with anyone, an probably woudlnt be ready until he is 40 (he's 27) and his son is older.

 

i was very upset to hear this, esp after attraction / intimacy was never a problem in our relationship. furthermore, after we broke up he would call me and pressure me to have skype sex, and now when i went down, he was no longer even interested in hooking up. i took it very personally, and felt very rejected and unwanted. while i understand that he is afraid of intimacy and not in the place for a relationship, he totally led me on. i know that he lusted for me because of how adamant he was about the skype sex, and i feel so embarrassed / crushed that when i finally agreed to have sex with him again, he shut me down. i feel used. he even went so far as to say maybe he only wants what he cant have, implying that now that i was willing to have sex with him again, he no longer wanted me.

 

i stayed with him for 2 more days, and we had our ups and downs. sometimes we would cuddle, kiss, hold hands, (but not have sex) see old friends and drive around his city like we did when we were together. he can be very cute sweet and charming, he ran and got me a drink when i wanted one etc.

 

other times he would be cold and unaffectionate, and relay how he was afraid of intimacy and could not be with me, and i would cry and generally be pathetic. i am embarrassed that i even went down to see him, when he treated me so poorly.

 

the worst part of the entire trip was this - he let me borrow his computer when he was sleeping, and he was logged into his facebook. i am not one to pry, but he had read some of my text messages and i was PISSED at him, so i looked at a couple of his messages. before he picked me up from the train station, he spent hours chatting with this girl from the state / town he is moving to, and they exchanged pictures of each other and made plans to have sex. she said disgusting things, like how she has a 6 year old child and is pregnant with another and hasnt had sex since she became pregnant. [edit: i did a free background check on her and she has been arrested 3 times for prostitution - totally disgusting]

 

meanwhile, he is asking me to move to this state with him, and telling this girl he has to leave to go pick up his "guy friend" from the train station. he told me he wasnt interested in sex or a relationship with ANYONE. also, he was even chatting girls from the town he lives in WHILE i was there with him.

 

on one hand i know he has not met these girls and he isnt close with them so they dont represent a threat to his fear of intimacy, but regardless it made me feel like he wanted to hook up with ANYONE BUT me bc he is now suddenly so unnattracted to me.

 

i didnt immediately tell him i had seen these conversations, and left to go back home. he wanted to come up and visit me in a couple of weeks and still wanted me to move with him as some sort of "companion" whom he loves, i guess, and sent me things to take with me back home for our project. i thought about it on the train afterwards, and i realized i was FURIOUS with how he treated me. he (essentially) broke up with me, then led me on, pushed for skype sex, asked me to visit and be his valentine, when i did have sex with me, and then told me he didnt want to have sex all the while talking to other girls about sex.

 

i called him and told him that i was furious and that i can not be his friend because he hasnt been acting like a friend. i spelled out what he did and why that was disrespectful and dishonest and WRONG and told him i saw the converstations with the other girls. he tried to cover up the conversations, and then conceded that he was just talking to them because he didnt actually know them blah blah blah. i told him i didnt care and that i deserved better. he agreed that i deserved better and said he didnt think we were compatable from the beginning bc i am "too good" and "fancy" for him, which was a blow because he was always so kind to me until this visit and always said how much i meant to him. furthermore, to explain the other girls, he said that he had lost attraction towards me.

 

the fact that he said he lost attraction towards me hurts me deeply. it confirms all my fears that guys only use me for my looks and lose interest in me when they actually hook up with me. it also hurt me because we were in a relationship for 7 months where we were wildly attracted to each other - after all of that and then the pressure for skype and visits how can he suddnely not want me? am i really that disgusting and repulsive to him? it makes me feel like im totally unnattractive and worthless, that he can take my care and love and just **** all over it and not even desire me anymore.

 

some friends tell me its impossible that he fully lost attraction to me - that he is just pushing me away because i represent something more meaningful and intimate to him, and that they don't know what i see when i look in the mirror. however, he MADE it personally about me, after months of stringing me along. it might have been defensively or to push me away, but he DEEPLY hurt me and i feel DEEPLY unnattractive.

 

during the course of the conversation, he said so youre just calling me to tell me you dont want me to come up and to move with me and to be my friend? and i said yup. and he said well i dont care if you dont want to be my friend, i dont have time to care about women and i said thats nice because i do care, i did love you and want to care for you and be there for you but you dont deserve it. i even said i wasnt sure if he was a good person anymore because of the way he treated me (and some other things, his family, baby mamma, etc, want nothing to do with him) and that i loved him before BECAUSE i thought he was a good person. i said bye and he said talk to you later and i kind of rolled my eyes (we were on skype) and hung up. then he IMed me : "sorry, just hit me up in a couple of months, if you want."

 

i was in a very good loving relationship with my ex boyfriend for 7 months. our relationship was quasi - long distance - he lived about 3 hrs away via train, but we would see each other several times a month. although we come from different backgrounds (he dropped out of high school, is 27 and has a 5 year old son, i graduated college a year ago) we were very compatible, attracted to each other, had a lot of fun together and were very respectful towards each other. i miss our relationship so much it hurts.

 

in december, we broke up because his "babymamma" was getting married and moving away with his son to a different state, and he felt that it wasn't right for him to continue to be in a relationship (it is unclear whom broke up with whom). also, he has his own demons - he struggles to keep a job and sustain himself, smokes weed every day, sometimes does other drugs. also, he was sexually abused in the past, and has even been in porn a few times bc hes been so desperate for money.

 

although outwardly my life is in order, i have abandoment issues and have low self esteem. i have been told throughout my life that i am way above average looking, but somehow this has made me more insecure - that my personality is so unattractive that no one will want me despite my looks, or that my looks really aren't that great at all. my ex boyfriend is also objectively very good looking, but he struggles with self esteem issues as well.

 

after we broke up, my boyfriend demanded that we stay in touch even though i said it would be difficult for me. he said he still loved me and cared about me and it was selfish for me not to be his friends when i have been his best friend (he has trouble keeping friends, presumably because he treats people so poorly i am now coming to realize). for 2.5 months, he would call me all the time, ask to come visit me, tell me he was sorry he couldnt continue w the relationship but just felt it wasn't right w his son moving and needed space, told me he loved me and wanted to snuggle with me for 18 hours. he also continuously pressured me to skype w him and have skype sex with him, which i felt weird about doing but conceded because i loved him, even though it did nothing for me.

 

a couple of weeks ago, his son moved away, and he decided that he is going to save up money (even though he's mostly spending it on drugs) and move to the state his son is moving to. he kept saying how he missed me, wanted to come visit me, etc. i said i would visit him because i didnt want him to come to my home bc im currently living w my mom, and we decided we would be each others valentines.

 

i visited him on friday, even though he had been acting colder since his son moved. he made me an elaborate card, we watched a movie, snuggled, had sex. afterwards, he told me that he had been considering asking me to move w him to the different state, but that he is still not ready for a committed intimate relationship. in fact, he told me that he was afraid of intimacy in general, and didn't want to hook up at all anymore, because sex brings people closer and hes afraid of being too close. he said he was not interested in hooking up with or having a relationship with anyone, an probably woudlnt be ready until he was 40 and his son was grown.

 

i was very upset to hear this, esp after attraction / intimacy was never a problem in our relationship. furthermore, after we broke up he would call me and pressure me to have skype sex, and now when i went down, he was no longer even interested in hooking up. i took it very personally, and felt very rejected and unwanted. while i understand that he is afraid of intimacy and not in the place for a relationship, he totally led me on after we broke up by telling me he loved me. i know that he lusted for me because of how adamant he was about the skype sex, and i feel so embarrassed / crushed that when i finally agreed to have sex with him again, he shut me down. i feel used. he even went so far as to say maybe he only wants what he cant have, implying that now that i was willing to have sex with him again, he no longer wanted me.

 

i stayed with him for 2 more days, and we had our ups and downs. sometimes we would cuddle, kiss, hold hands, (but not having sex) see old friends and drive around his city like we did when we were together. he can be very cute sweet and charming, he ran and got me a drink when i wanted one etc. other times he would be cold and unaffectionate, and relay how he was afraid of intimacy and could not be with me, and i would cry and generally be pathetic. i am embarrassed that i even went down to see him, when he treated me so poorly / led me on. i felt totally cast aside. all this while, he said he wanted to come visit me in a couple of weeks to work on a sewing project we had in mind and stil wanted me to move to a different state with him, albeit not as his committed girlfriend...

 

the worst part of the entire trip was this - he let me borrow his computer when he was sleeping, and he was logged into his facebook. i am not one to pry, but he had read some of my text messages and i was PISSED at him, so i looked at a couple of his messages. before he picked me up from the train station, he spent hours chatting with this girl from the state / town he is moving to, and they exchanged pictures of each other and made plans to have sex. she said disgusting things, like how she has a 6 year old child and hasnt had sex since she was pregnant. he said not to think it was all about sex. meanwhile, he is asking me to move to this state with him, and telling this girl he has to leave to go pick up his "guy friend" from the train station. he told me he wasnt interested in sex OR a relationship with anyone, but this made me feel like he was interested in a relationship with this girl, just not me. also, he was even chatting girls from the town he lives in WHILE i was there with him, and he was telling me he was not interested in hooking up. i know he has not met these girls and he isnt close with them so they dont represent a threat to his fear of intimacy, but regardless it made me feel like he wanted to hook up with anyone but me because he is now so unnattracted by me.

 

i didnt immediately tell him i had seen these conversations, and left to go back home. he wanted to come up and visit me in a couple of weeks and still move to the other state with me, and sent me things to take with me back home for our project. i thought about it on the train afterwards, and i realized i was FURIOUS with how he treated me. he (essentially) broke up with me, then led me on, pushed for skype sex, asked me to visit and be his valentine, when i did have sex with me, and then told me he didnt want to have sex all the while talking to other girls.

 

i called him and told him that i was mad at him and that i can not be his friend because he hasnt been acting like a friend. i spelled out what he did and why that was disrespectful and dishonest and told him i saw the converstations with the other girls. he tried to cover up the conversations, and then conceded that he was just talking to them because he didnt actually know them blah blah. i told him i didnt care and thats not how you treat people let alone people you supposedly care for and love, and that i deserved better. he agreed that i deserved better and said he didnt think we were compatable from the begining, which was a blow because he was always so kind to me until this visit and always said how much i meant to him. furthermore, to explain the other girls, he said that he had lost attraction towards me.

 

during the course of the conversation, i said that he is not a good friend/ hasnt treated me as a friend, has hurt me a lot, and i have no desire to be friends with him. i asked for his current living address (he cant even have a stable living residence) so that i could send back the thigns he gave me, and he said not to bother. i said fine, and he said so youre just calling me to tell me you dont want me to come up and to move with me and to be my friend? and i said yup. and he said well i dont care if you dont want to be my friend, fine and i said thats nice because i do care, i did love you and want to care for you and be there for you but you dont deserve it. i even said i wasnt sure if he was a good person anymore because of the way he treated me (and some other things, his family, baby mamma, etc, want nothing to do with him) and that i loved him before BECAUSE i thought he was a good person. i said bye and he said talk to you later and i kind of rolled my eyes (we were on skype) and hung up. then he IMed me : "sorry, just hit me up in a couple of months, if you want. "

 

the fact that he said he lost attraction towards me hurts me deeply. it confirms all my fears that guys only like me for my looks and lose interest in me when they actually hook up with me. it also hurt me because we were in a relationship for 7 months where we were wildly attracted to each other - after all of that and then the pressue for skype and visits how can he suddnely not want me? am i really that disgusting and repulsive to him? it makes me feel like im totally unnattractive and worthless, that he can take my care and love and just **** all over it and not even desire me anymore. my friends tell me its impossible that he lost attraction to me - that he is just pushing me away because i represent something more meaningful and intimate to him, and that they don't know what i see when i look in the mirror. however, he MADE it personally about me, after months of stringing me along. it might have been defensively or to push me away, but he DEEPLY hurt me and i feel DEEPLY unnattractive.

 

so basically, i feel rejected and heart broken. how can he treat me like this after a 7 month great relationship? how dare he string me a long, beg for skype sex, beg for me to come visit, then say he is no longer attracted?

 

 

how does fear of intimacy vs. sexuality vs. attraction work? did he actually lose attraction for me? or is just afraid of intimacy bc we were emotionally close and said he lost attraction for me to push me away me?

 

when i was there i would see him checking me out and he was happy / proud when other guys checked me out / would ask for a hug when i was wearing a bra and cuddle me and kiss me sporadically. plus the fact that he slept with me and made me an elaborate card - which is SO screwed up if he really lost attraction for me. meanwhile asking me to move to texas with him, but saying hes scared of a commited relationship?

 

is it possible that he still finds me physically attractive, but has lost the desire to sleep with me or is afraid to because of the intimacy? or is it just because he lost attraction bc i am so unattractive? i dont understand, and am taking it very personally, and feel like I am the problem

 

i feel so hurt and sad. i cant believe this is how our relationship ended. i want him to regret treating me this way and be sorry he cant talk to me anymore, but i dont think he gives a ****.

[destroyed4sho]

can you write a short version pls?

[H3Drvr]

H O L Y CRAP!!!!

 

RUN don't walk...away from this guy!!! Although I don't know him personally, your description of him just straight out makes him sound like a complete loser. Why why why would any sane woman date a jobless, weed smoking child predator!?!?

 

Admittedly, I've done the Skype sex thing (initiated by her) and this isn't bad if both parties are consenting. However, it sounds like you were coerced and uncomfortable about. People that love you DON'T put you in awkward situations.

 

Please...do yourself a favor and get as far away from him. You can definitely do better!

[my body is a cage]

Why why why would any sane woman date a jobless, weed smoking child predator!?!?

 

 

- WOAH WOAH WOAH! he is NOT a child predator he was abused when he himself was a child (10 yrs old )!!!!! and now has his own child (5 yrs old) with his former girlfriend. for a second i assumed i had accidentally written that he was a child abusER not abusED :sick::sick::sick:

i wrote about this and the porn the empathize that he has a troubled history w sex.

 

- why did i date him?

1. who said im sane ?

2. hes not jobless just cant budget money well

3. external factors like socioeconomic status mean little to me bc i have seen money lead to anything but happiness. i just graduated from college and am feeling aimless and unsure about my future. my ex came from a very different class background but i, being an idealist and a romantic, totally ignored that and focused on the fact that he was fun, caring, charming, adventurous, kind, good looking, and seemed like a genuinely good person compared to other guys i have dated. but as they say, love is blind?

 

 

Admittedly, I've done the Skype sex thing ... it sounds like you were coerced and uncomfortable about. People that love you DON'T put you in awkward situations.

 

well, "awkward" is one word. people that love you i think DO put you in "awkward" situations (i put people i love in awkward situations all the time, but then again, im one of the more awkward people i know )

 

youre right, though, people that love you do not pressure to do sexual things that make you uncomfortable. i take responsibility for having skype sex with him even though it made me feel strange, bc i loved him and wanted to make me happy. it was very inconsiderate and unloving of him to pressure me to have skype sex, and then sleep with me for real again and then decide he was through. this makes me think back to the want what you cant have idea - now that i was willing to sleep with him for real again, did he just lose interest?

 

thank you for your post, i AM livid at my ex and dont plan on speaking to him any time in the near future. i cannot believe he actually thought i would have moved to texas with him as his bitch.

 

intellectually and objectively, i realize that he has a lot of emotional issues and has a lot of hangups with sex. he explicitly told me he was scared of sex bc it makes people closer, and that because he loves me / we have an emotional connection, he is scared to be intimate with me. he said he was afraid of codependency, afraid on me relying on him, afraid that if i really knew him i wouldnt like him (big red flag - do i even want to know what that really meant?)

 

emotionally, im having a hard time separating his issues and his fear of intimacy from my own feelings of hurt and rejection. did he ACTUALLY suddenly lose all sexual desire for me? even though he slept w me and cuddled w me etc? is it really about ME? i have a tendency to personalize things and make them about me - i feel like i should be so great that he would overcome his issues for me, but at the same time feel totally unlovable and worthless myself. im scared i pushed him away by being needy, crying, and pathetic, and it IS just ME he is not attracted to, not combined emotional and physical intimacy altogether.

[my body is a cage]

can you write a short version pls?

 

i can try but no promises bc despite my college diploma and higher levels of education, i am not sane enough to effortlessly differentiate between necessary information and superflous details. in the time being, see my first reply above

[Addison312]

What is Skype sex?! Web cam masturbation?

[Dark Phoenix]

Your ex is a loser

 

- why did i date him?

1. who said im sane ?

2. hes not jobless just cant budget money well

3. external factors like socioeconomic status mean little to me bc i have seen money lead to anything but happiness. i just graduated from college and am feeling aimless and unsure about my future. my ex came from a very different class background but i, being an idealist and a romantic, totally ignored that and focused on the fact that he was fun, caring, charming, adventurous, kind, good looking, and seemed like a genuinely good person compared to other guys i have dated. but as they say, love is blind?

 

1. Its obvious

2. Total marriage/long term relationship material. If I was a woman looking for security, I'd marry him and wear the pants in the relationship and be totally miserable for the rest of my life and mistake that for happiness

3. Yup lie to yourself and throw away rational thinking and common sense because he's partially better then the other losers you've dated so it must be true love

 

this was a 7 month relationship and he said he no longer had feelings for you which mean he probably never had them to begin with

 

Instead of focusing on what other people tell you... start focusing on self-love and self respect... once you achieve both of these, nothing else matters

[my body is a cage]

Your ex is a loser

 

 

this was a 7 month relationship and he said he no longer had feelings for you which mean he probably never had them to begin with

 

he didn't say he didnt have feelings for me, he said he lost attraction towards me because we emotionally close and hes afraid of intimacy. i know the relationship was short, but we did/ do have real feelings for each other. he had not dated anyone seriously. since his ex babymama 5 years ago. if its one thing i know, there are / were strong feelings involved, but youre right, he cut intimacy before it got deeper. i dont think he is a bad person and used me all along, just damaged and afraid. we did have an emotional connection and were very compatible, i mean he asked me to move to texas with him and i said no.

 

i know he has issues with empathy and love. he said he is learning to care for someone via his son, and its hard for him to love or fall in love. we never said we fell in love with each other, but i do love him and iknow that he loves me and cares about me to the best extent he could. this weekend he pushed me away.

 

Instead of focusing on what other people tell you... start focusing on self-love and self respect... once you achieve both of these, nothing else matters

 

I completely agree with this. I need to feel myself that I am lovable and desirable. I am in therapy working through my issues, but have been treated VERY poorly (much worse than this) by relationships in the past so i am struggling with this.

Edited February 21, 2013 by my body is a cage