Dating a married woman taking it's toll on me

[ViresSanctity]

Many of you married folks are probably thinking I'm a piece of s*it and deserve whatever damages that come my way. I think you may be right.

 

If there are caring members in this community, I'm seeking your help and guidance.

 

 

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I used to think I was a person who valued truth and honesty between relationships of people you hold dear. Whether they are your family, friends or significant other. I thought that lies tore apart that sacred bond between people. I took that value with me further out in the world and did my best to be honest with people wherever I'd go.

 

I never saw the allure of taking someone else's woman. Once I found out they were married or dating someone else, it ended any thoughts of pursuing that woman in my head. There were some attractive women that I wished was single, but nothing more.

 

In October 2012, I met a married woman who would end up cheating on her husband with me. Why did I end up with this woman? I knew she was married before I introduced myself and welcomed her to our trade school. I made casual talks with her like I do with everyone else every where I'd go. I found she had so much in common with me that our talks became longer every day.

There was a lot of jealousy for her there, and one married woman actually made an advance on me with the hopes that I'd not talk to the other one anymore. I rejected her very harshly. I don't like to abandon people from pressure or selfish reasons.

 

Our friendship blossomed and we began to care for each other in more ways than we'd thought. When holiday breaks came around, I had this pain of missing her. I had her number but I never called her for the two weeks of our thanksgiving break. She had called me twice, but I never let the conversations drag on longer than 5 minutes before making excuses to hang up.

 

One day, I found out her husband and her had been arguing over what I thought was very ridiculous. He didn't like to take her shopping. She had just moved into town without knowing anyone, and he was her only ride option. She finally asked me to take her at the approval of her husband. I was slightly insulted at first, and joked with her that I wasn't gay and that anything could happen. She didn't take it very seriously. I felt guilty that I was being selfish from my onesided feelings for her by not helping a friend in need. After rejecting the first few times, I finally accepted it. Taking her shopping wasn't a big deal. I took her out and back to her husband that night without anything happening.

 

After that night, her husband had gotten comfortable with me. The times that he'd run into me picking up and dropping his wife off at school, he'd invite me to Vegas with them. Knowing I had feelings for his wife, I could never accept it. His wife had always talked about me to him and how I was this really great person and friend to her. He had gotten comfortable with me to the point where he started asking me to take her out shopping more often whenever I was free. I could tell that she was resenting him from this. I had suggested she talked to him that it wasn't healthy for her relationship if her husband kept tossing his duties to another man.

 

I had heard her story many times. Whenever she had a heated argument with her husband, I had listened to her. Of how he leaves her like a prisoner at home, how he manipulated his way back into the relationship with her by threatening suicide when she rejected his marriage proposal, how his all his family unfairly believes that she married him out of financial reasons not knowing that she made more money and supported him in the past. I listened like a friend, but I never commented. I never took sides since I could never know the whole story without seeing it.

 

On December 4th on the night she came back from Vegas, she did something that surprised me. She skipped out on a college class and called me to pick her up for tea. I asked if her husband asked me to take her and she said no. I was watching a basketball game at the bar and told her if she thinks it's fine if we could just have a beer instead so I could watch the game. She accepted it. Truthfully, the game didn't matter to me as much and I could have easily just taken her out for tea. But I wanted her to have a drink with me. I wondered in my head what was really her reason for calling me out.

 

I ordered a glass of beer for the both of us. We talked outside and she was visibly frustrated. It was about her relationship again. I listened to her like I always did. This time though I spoke up. I told her to do what her feelings were telling her. That lying to yourself was the worst type of lie you could tell. It was like talking to mirror of my own feelings. That night I had my own frustrations to tell. My sister passed away not too long ago, and for the first time I really talked to someone about it. I had not spoken to my sister for two years before she passed away. Her life was cut short and I wasn't able to tell her the things I should have said. Realizing my mistake, I broke down in tears in front of her. We had not even finished our first beer. She reached her hand over to mines and held her closely to me. At that moment I leaned down and kissed her lips. She didn't move and said nothing. The DJ lights shined on us and we were embarrassed from the attention and so we moved our conversation to the car.

 

I asked if her feelings for me were mutual. She hesitantly replied that she was in a relationship and that nothing she said to me would have mattered. I leaned over slowly and kissed her again and I asked her if she loved me. She replied hesitantly again and said she doesn't want to hurt me. I took it as an answer for a soft rejection, and apologized to her. But she spoke up and said she wouldn't be here with me if she didn't have feelings for me. I was torn that night over my happiness and guilt.

 

I told her that night if I was to choose between the ridicule of society and making her happy, I would take this world's criticism and bear my guilt out of my love for her.

 

Since that night, I had chosen love over my own values and it has been clawing at me ever since. I had thought that love was the right thing to do even if meant to sacrifice everything and everyone around me. The lies are mounting up everyday. I lie everyday to protect her and my relationship, and she lies to her husband for the same reason. It's difficult enough making lies for me, but hearing the person I love lying so often and easily is really messing up my psych.

 

I am hoping that when the time is right, we can be honest about everything that has transpired between the two of us and let society take their opinions however they want of us. As long as the truth can set us free then we could stop living in this mess of lies.

 

But it hasn't been so easy and the lines are starting to blur. I can no longer tell what's acceptable or not acceptable. I'm living with major trust issues with her. We had never argued once up until January. Since then we have been arguing every week because of my trust issues with her. After telling me I am too paranoid, she had just come clean to me that she just had sex with her husband in January when I had my suspicions, after telling me on Christmas that they no longer have sex. She makes me feel unreasonable because he's her husband after all, even though she tells me I'm the one that she loves.

 

 

In the past I had given her time to work things out with her husband. But now I'm starting to make demands. I told her this week that she's either with me 100% or nothing. I don't want 99% of her love. And she needs to decide by Sunday if she wants to leave him for me or not.

 

Today I'm not sure if I want that anymore. I love her but how can I make that demand when I'm not 100% for now? How can our future together ever be fully loving and trusting?

 

I'm considering her answer on Sunday and if I hear one bit of hesitation from her I'm breaking it off. My guilt has been eating at me like a cancer, and if she isn't there for 100% then I don't think she deserves me to bear all that for her.

 

I feel so damaged and messed up in the head now. I'm so ashamed of myself.

Edited February 21, 2013 by ViresSanctity

[Dark Phoenix]

How can our future together ever be fully loving and trusting?

 

 

Your relationship was never built on love or trust. It was built on lust and lies.

[whichwayisup]

You feel like crap because you went after a MW knowingly and allowed something to happen. In fact, you encouraged it and nurtured it. You (both) took advantage of her husband's trust and made a total fool of him. Odd that she has no women friends to go shopping with.. Just sayin'..

 

Anyway, she owes you nothing, she isn't obligated to you and there's no way she is going to up and divorce her H to be with you. Sorry to be blunt.

 

Yes, do end it and grieve the loss. If you stay, things will get worse and you'll end up hating yourself more and more, feel more guilt and also have a bigger chance of getting caught and having her husbands fist in your face.

[BetrayedH]

I guess we will see on Sunday.

 

To be honest, what's likely is that she will request a delay to do it at a better time. "Let me finish my college classes and we'll run away together." And then there will be another delay, "It's his birthday next week; let's wait until after." I know a woman that was waiting for her MM's son to turn 8 (apparently some magical age when the son will be ready for a divorce). The kid is 4 years old. Oh, and then his wife got pregnant. Of course, it was an immaculate conception since the MM didn't have sex with his wife (sound familiar?). He eventually said that he had sex with his wife once when he and the OW had a fight.

 

Here's the big problem...if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. If you manage to marry her, you just open up a vacancy in the gigolo spot.

 

You're deep in the rabbit hole (too far for your comfort, obviously). Will you continue or will you begin to dig your way out?