So if you have sex without the intention of an LTR, it means you dont value sex?

February 21, 2013

So I was speaking with an acquaintance this evening who had the attitude, that if you ever have sex with someone, without the intention of forming an relationship, that it must mean you separate sex and emotions and dont value sex. And mind you, this was a person who has more partners than me, and less relationships than me, yet passing this judgement.

I really dont understand this view at all. Its as if some of the more conservative folks out there, feel that you shouldnt have sex at all while you wait for the right person to come into your life. Sex is a basic human desire, and I dont just sleep with anyone. Because of how rare it is and how hard it can be to find the right person compatible with you for an LTR, I feel its unreasonable to cast such a harsh judgement on someone for ever having an FWB.

I prefer those arrangements to be with someone I actually like and enjoy spending time with. And because compatibilities need to be just right to make a relationship last....sometimes youll be waiting a long time before you find a boyfriend or girlfriend. So why is it so wrong to have a casual relationship with a friend whos company you enjoy...especially if both of you are on the same page about what you want and about why you wouldnt be a relationship fit.

I dont feel it means a person separates emotions from sex easily, or values sex lesser than others, just because theyve had casual relationships that werent moving towards LTRs. Part of the reason I cant indiscriminately sleep around the way some guys do is because I cant separate emotion from sex, and like to share that with someone I at least like. I dont wanna just screw someone, I wanna make love too.

And if I didnt value sex or feel emotion during sex, I wouldnt have fell so hard for December girl back during our little relationship. However she kinda burned me, yet my acquaintance didnt seem to understand why a situation like that might put someone on guard. And situations like that are a good example of how hard it can be finding the right person. But to have to forgo all sex while you wait for a boyfriend or girlfriend could take years.

I just dont get some people with the overly judgmental attitudes. Not everyone who has had sex outside of a relationship, was just doing with it any ole body...or doesnt desire an LTR with the right person. Its funny to have someone make you out to be some user or typical jerk bag who sees women as just some hot body to have sex with, despite the fact that many of you whove been on this forum for a long time, know I view sex, love, and relationships very different from that.

Edited February 21, 2013 by kaylan

February 21, 2013

To be honest, I would let that observation pass like bad wind for all the intellectual 'yumminess' it contains. I mean it is so intellectually incoherent and void, I regard it as a 'non-statement'. It's an intellectual belch; automatic and ill-formed, still-born at birth.

Sex = sex

Love = love

Sex doesn't necessarily come packaged with love.

Love doesn't necessarily come packaged with sex.

Sex has a value? What $50? $100?

There is a credit card TV ad over here that goes along the lines, "Love, priceless, for everything else there is SpendthriftCard".

Just smile and nod benignly and pleasingly at your acquaintance. You know, they way you do when someone says something to you that you could not make out but you have to pretend that you actually did.

I think that should pretty well cover it. Anything else?

February 21, 2013

I just dont get some people with the overly judgmental attitudes.

You make whatever life decisions you want, as long as you're not lying or hurting anybody.

You're not asking those people to marry you, right? So what's it to them?

If I had casual sex, I'd probably feel sad, but I don't judge other people who want to.

February 21, 2013

Not neccessarily. I'd rather have sex with a woman I like and am in a relationship with but it won't stop me from taking a girl home from a bar. I'm a happy medium between conservative and "new age" IMO. I don't see anything wrong with some casual sex but the amount should be "monitored" and the ultimate goal should be sex with someone who you're in a relationship with.

February 21, 2013

Its hard to understand casual sex if you are the type that sees sex as a way to bond emotionally with your partner. I don't judge, but I can't imagine having sex with a friend just because I was horny and not in a relationship. It's too close, too personal. I would use a toy to take care of business. Some people view sex as a fun activity, not much different than going bowling. It's hard for me to fathom that because 1 in 6 Americans have herpes, and condoms don't protect you from that. So in my view, sex is something to take seriously. It's not something that I would trivialize. I would view the risks, physically & emotionally, as too great. It wouldn't be worth it to me. However I have been monogamous with my husband for 22 years, so that's where I'm coming from.

February 21, 2013

Naw. It just means you're a guy.

February 21, 2013

Its hard to understand casual sex if you are the type that sees sex as a way to bond emotionally with your partner. I don't judge, but I can't imagine having sex with a friend just because I was horny and not in a relationship. It's too close, too personal. I would use a toy to take care of business. Some people view sex as a fun activity, not much different than going bowling. It's hard for me to fathom that because 1 in 6 Americans have herpes, and condoms don't protect you from that. So in my view, sex is something to take seriously. It's not something that I would trivialize. I would view the risks, physically & emotionally, as too great. It wouldn't be worth it to me. However I have been monogamous with my husband for 22 years, so that's where I'm coming from.

I agree with you but I think it's more than some people. And the "it's just sex" people are the ones who will cheat IMO.

February 21, 2013

Its hard to understand casual sex if you are the type that sees sex as a way to bond emotionally with your partner. I don't judge, but I can't imagine having sex with a friend just because I was horny and not in a relationship. It's too close, too personal. I would use a toy to take care of business. Some people view sex as a fun activity, not much different than going bowling. It's hard for me to fathom that because 1 in 6 Americans have herpes, and condoms don't protect you from that. So in my view, sex is something to take seriously. It's not something that I would trivialize. I would view the risks, physically & emotionally, as too great. It wouldn't be worth it to me. However I have been monogamous with my husband for 22 years, so that's where I'm coming from.

I do see sex as a way to emotionally bond with my partner.

But just because I have sex with a girl I like, and bond with, who happens to not be my partner...does not mean Im any less capable of emotionally bonding in a relationship.

I dont separate emotions from sex, and I only have sex with women I actually like and enjoy spending time with. But I wont be celibate while I wait for the right relationship either.

February 21, 2013

I do see sex as a way to emotionally bond with my partner.

But just because I have sex with a girl I like, and bond with, who happens to not be my partner...does not mean Im any less capable of emotionally bonding in a relationship.

I dont separate emotions from sex, and I only have sex with women I actually like and enjoy spending time with. But I wont be celibate while I wait for the right relationship either.

fyi- women do this

February 21, 2013

fyi- women do this

I know this.

Youre point?

February 21, 2013

So you sleep with friends that are girls, yet dont see them as good enough to be your girlfriend? If you valued sex, wouldnt you want them to be your girlfriend? Obviously this didnt happen once with your December girl, but I am sure there have been a ton of other times where you screwed a girl regularly and still didnt like her more than a friend

Im sorry but thats weird and I would be turned off too.

Ideally, Id like a man who values sex but they dont really exist anymore in our culture.

February 21, 2013

So you sleep with friends that are girls, yet dont see them as good enough to be your girlfriend?

Its not that they are not good enough to be girlfriends. Sometimes the girl has different values than I have...or shes not looking for something serious...or she has a lifestyle that doent mesh with mine. These have all happened before.

If you valued sex, wouldnt you want them to be your girlfriend? Obviously this didnt happen once with your December girl, but I am sure there have been a ton of other times where you screwed a girl regularly and still didnt like her more than a friend

Being in a relationship with another person is all about a bunch of compatibilities. Just because I like someone and can be their friend, doesnt mean we are compatible long term. Ive never lead a girl one regarding this, and they feel the same way I do. Actually, a few times Ive been the one led on and deemed not boyfriend material for some reason.

And I havent slept with many women. Actually a rather average amount....or low if you consider my age group (mid 20s).

Im sorry but thats weird and I would be turned off too.
Ideally, Id like a man who values sex but they dont really exist anymore in our culture.

???

How do I not value sex just because Ive enjoyed sex outside of a relationship? It beyond me that some people think I should be celibate for YEARS waiting for that right girl to date.

Unlike other people, I dont just get in a relationship with someone whom I merely like and find attractive. Theres a LOT that goes into figuring out if someone is compatible with you long term. And I only commit if I can see the relationship working for a very long time. Considering how rare it is to find that right person...I dont see why I should sit around and waste my prime sexual years making love to my hand while I wait to find the girl I want to settle down with.

February 21, 2013

Actually, a few times Ive been the one led on and deemed not boyfriend material for some reason.

Some good girls whod make great girlfriends (who have good morals and wait to sleep with someone they reallllllly like) will be turned off by your past. Doesnt make them judgmental or you necessarily a bad person, but it is what it is and guys do the same thing vice versa.

February 21, 2013

Some good girls whod make great girlfriends (who have good morals and wait to sleep with someone they reallllllly like) will be turned off by your past. Doesnt make them judgmental or you necessarily a bad person, but it is what it is and guys do the same thing vice versa.

Ive been led on way before I even had a past.

But I accept that some girls will look me over because of my past. So be it. I genuinely look at it as their loss. I wont lie about what ive done, and I know how great I make girls feel when their my chick...so its all good.

February 21, 2013

Ive been led on way before I even had a past.

But I accept that some girls will look me over because of my past. So be it. I genuinely look at it as their loss. I wont lie about what ive done, and I know how great I make girls feel when their my chick...so its all good.

Yeah I see what you are saying but its a double edged sword. Many guys in your shoes will do what you said for a bit, then miss their days of have random sex with different chicks. Thats why there are debates here on whether or not manwhores make good husbands. Some do because they find what they are looking for, grow up or learn to appreciate good women. Some just crave something stable or some companionship, but once it gets boring their true tendencies come out and miss their single days (and cheat). It can go either way

February 21, 2013

Yeah I see what you are saying but its a double edged sword. Many guys in your shoes will do what you said for a bit, then miss their days of have random sex with different chicks.

I havent had "days of random sex". I know the names of every girl Ive had sex with.

Thats why there are debates here on whether or not manwhores make good husbands. Some do because they find what they are looking for, grow up or learn to appreciate good women. Some just crave something stable or some companionship, but once it gets boring their true tendencies come out and miss their single days (and cheat). It can go either way

Im FAR from a manwhore lol. I could be a manwhore if I wanted to, but thatd conflict with my emotions and morals.

February 21, 2013

I'm not conservative but I do think you should look for someone who matters to you...I don't believe there is such a thing as NSA sex except maybe a ONS or prostitute. How will you find the right person if you're just having sex with a friend? That probably means you stop looking as hard at real options and yourself. What kind of friend goes along with that anyway? If she does, it might just be because she wants more and isn't admitting it. Are you really being considerate of her?

Maybe you haven't been sleeping with lots of girls, but this is whorish behavior. Sorry but if you say you have morals! and get emotionally attached this will just backfire in a huge way.

February 21, 2013

I'm not conservative but I do think you should look for someone who matters to you...I don't believe there is such a thing as NSA sex except maybe a ONS or prostitute. How will you find the right person if you're just having sex with a friend? That probably means you stop looking as hard at real options and yourself. What kind of friend goes along with that anyway? If she does, it might just be because she wants more and isn't admitting it. Are you really being considerate of her?

Who says Im not looking for someone who matters to me? I just seem to keep meeting women who arent right for me. Im not going to force a relationship where long term potential isnt there though.

And no, my casual dating times havent ever caused me to ignore wanting a real connection. And lmao...what kinda friend goes along with a FWB? My best chick friend when I was 20 used me for sex...knowing I wanted more and didnt see me as more.

And December girl wasnt over her ex, even though she told me how great everything felt with me. So yeah...so much for the girls wanting more. People always assume its the girl who wants more in these situations..and many times they dont.

Maybe you haven't been sleeping with lots of girls, but this is whorish behavior. Sorry but if you say you have morals! and get emotionally attached this will just backfire in a huge way.

So basically anyone whos had sex outside of a relationship has exhibited whorish behavior? riiiiight

February 21, 2013

Who says Im not looking for someone who matters to me? I just seem to keep meeting women who arent right for me. Im not going to force a relationship where long term potential isnt there though.

And no, my casual dating times havent ever caused me to ignore wanting a real connection. And lmao...what kinda friend goes along with a FWB? My best chick friend when I was 20 used me for sex...knowing I wanted more and didnt see me as more.

And December girl wasnt over her ex, even though she told me how great everything felt with me. So yeah...so much for the girls wanting more. People always assume its the girl who wants more in these situations..and many times they dont.

So basically anyone whos had sex outside of a relationship has exhibited whorish behavior? riiiiight

You sound cocky and manipulative to be honest

February 21, 2013

The fact that you bond with your fwb's is strange IMO. You're subjecting yourself to geting hurt like you just did or hurting someone else. Casual sex is to "get yours" and that's it. You go over, handle your business and leave. No lovy duvy stuff no cooking, dates, whatever. If this sounds strange to you then mabye casual sex isn't for you. It's not really for me like I said and there's nothing wrong with that.

February 21, 2013

So you think because you came across two girls who screwed you over, you should do the same? I asked what kind of friend does this because...those are crummy friends. And why did you go along with it if you wanted more?? You seem to be saying it's ok to treat people like crap...and to take the lazy way out, but you also sound incredibly pained by what they did to you. Don't turn around and do that to someone else. So yeah, I think all of that behavior is whorish. There are plenty of good options out there.

February 21, 2013

You sound cocky and manipulative to be honest

Such bull. In what way am I manipulative if I have never ever lead anyone on? And cocky? Please quote exactly where I am being cocky.

The fact that you bond with your fwb's is strange IMO. You're subjecting yourself to geting hurt like you just did or hurting someone else. Casual sex is to "get yours" and that's it. You go over, handle your business and leave. No lovy duvy stuff no cooking, dates, whatever. If this sounds strange to you then mabye casual sex isn't for you. It's not really for me like I said and there's nothing wrong with that.

Eh. Im not a wham bam thank you mam kinda guy. I like to enjoy female company outside of straight up sex.

So you think because you came across two girls who screwed you over, you should do the same? I asked what kind of friend does this because...those are crummy friends. And why did you go along with it if you wanted more?? You seem to be saying it's ok to treat people like crap...and to take the lazy way out, but you also sound incredibly pained by what they did to you. Don't turn around and do that to someone else. So yeah, I think all of that behavior is whorish. There are plenty of good options out there.

Wtf are you talking about? I havent nor am I trying to screw over any women.

Why do people always assume that if a guy ever does anything casual, that hes going to hurt women. Many times women go out and lead on guys too ya know. Anyone whos read enough of my posts knows I dont hook up with any girls unless we are both on the same page. Experience teaches you that.

And yes, Ive had crummy female friends, and Ive dated some crummy females too. It happens. And no its not ok to treat people like crap. Who ever said that? Its kinda hard to pull yourself out of a situation when your emotionally longing for the other person..especially after sex. So can you blame me for getting hurt? Crap happens, you learn from it, and move on.

All I know is that I can say Ive never lead a girl on in the same way. the behavior isnt whorish if Im not sleeping around. Nor is it wrong if Im not lying to any girls I meet. How am I going to turn around and do to girls what ive had done to me? I already said I dont lie or lead women on. And Ive had opportunities to sleep with women whove really liked me but I passed it up because I wont be the cause of someones heartache.

I have a conscious.

Edited February 21, 2013 by kaylan

February 21, 2013

I do see sex as a way to emotionally bond with my partner.

But just because I have sex with a girl I like, and bond with, who happens to not be my partner...does not mean Im any less capable of emotionally bonding in a relationship.

I dont separate emotions from sex, and I only have sex with women I actually like and enjoy spending time with. But I wont be celibate while I wait for the right relationship either.

I understand that. I am just not that way. Its hard for me to fathom that I would like someone, love spending time with them, emotionally connect with them, have sex with them and yet NOT want to be in a relationship with them. That doesn't make sense to me. I would not even consider sex an option unless in a relationship. I just assign a lot of importance to it, its a very personal & private act for me. Without the feelings & bond, it would just be an "O" for me, and I don't need another person for that. I get that its different for you, and that's ok.

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So if you have sex without the intention of an LTR, it means you dont value sex?

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