Soxfaninfl Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Hey, honestly, there's nothing wrong with a non-lifetime commitment, either. I don't think everyone should or can mate for life. Some people can and should, others would be better off not. I think the reason for this is that people get pigeonholed into marriage when they want any sort of serious committed R. Probably because a de facto R is not acknowledged in many cultures and laws. So some people go straight from dating to marriage, when they do not actually intend for marriage to mean 'for life, no matter what', but actually mean it to be 'this means I'm committed to you and want to be with you for as long as both of us are happy'. This is okay when both people are of the same mind. When both people have different ideas of marriage, though, as in your case, then problems happen. I can't think of any easy solution for this, especially when kids come into the picture. It is very difficult when children are involved. I don't want to have more children due to the fact that I wouldn't want them to go thru a divorce. It was painful for me to see my son go thru it. I never experienced it as a child since my parents are still together after 40 years of marriage. I guess I should have seen this coming since my wife was a child of divorce.
iKING Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Hey, honestly, there's nothing wrong with a non-lifetime commitment, either. I don't think everyone should or can mate for life. Some people can and should, others would be better off not. I think the reason for this is that people get pigeonholed into marriage when they want any sort of serious committed R. Probably because a de facto R is not acknowledged in many cultures and laws. So some people go straight from dating to marriage, when they do not actually intend for marriage to mean 'for life, no matter what', but actually mean it to be 'this means I'm committed to you and want to be with you for as long as both of us are happy'. This is okay when both people are of the same mind. When both people have different ideas of marriage, though, as in your case, then problems happen. I can't think of any easy solution for this, especially when kids come into the picture. I have to agree here, marriage isn't what it use to be. Ideally it'd be great if two people who were genuinely in love stuck it through to the end, but people have a million options these days and take marriage in general less seriously. A lot of times it ends up as a "grass is always greener" type mindset going on after enough years. Maybe marriage should come with a tattoo 1
Els Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 It is very difficult when children are involved. I don't want to have more children due to the fact that I wouldn't want them to go thru a divorce. It was painful for me to see my son go thru it. I never experienced it as a child since my parents are still together after 40 years of marriage. I guess I should have seen this coming since my wife was a child of divorce. I think some people have postulated that it is worse for a child to grow up in an unhappy household, compared to go through a divorce. They may well be right (or wrong, I'm divided on this), but I'm wondering if one can exit a marriage anytime it becomes unhappy/unsuccessful, then what is the purpose of marriage compared to de facto?
Els Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I have to agree here, marriage isn't what it use to be. Ideally it'd be great if two people who were genuinely in love stuck it through to the end, but people have a million options these days and take marriage in general less seriously. A lot of times it ends up as a "grass is always greener" type mindset going on after enough years. Maybe marriage should come with a tattoo I think some people actually got tattoos of their bfs/gfs name before, even. Bad bad bad bad idea usually. Fortunately there is the very painful and not terribly effective option of tattoo removal!
Soxfaninfl Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) I think some people have postulated that it is worse for a child to grow up in an unhappy household, compared to go through a divorce. They may well be right (or wrong, I'm divided on this), but I'm wondering if one can exit a marriage anytime it becomes unhappy/unsuccessful, then what is the purpose of marriage compared to de facto? My parents had their tuff times believe me. They separtaed a few times. My Dad committed adultery, and was an alcoholic. He changed and cleaned himself up. They are happy now and doing well. I'm grateful that they hung in there. I will always remember the good times with them. Marriage is about for bettering or worse. I remember my dad saying to someone that I didn't do half the things he did to sabatoge his marriage, and I'm the one that ended up divorced. That mad me cry. Why me? Edited February 23, 2013 by Soxfaninfl
iKING Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I think some people actually got tattoos of their bfs/gfs name before, even. Bad bad bad bad idea usually. Fortunately there is the very painful and not terribly effective option of tattoo removal! Seen it, even on the neck. Terrible idea. You could always go with the tacky void stamp cover up
truth_seeker Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 So now you are writing me off for my age? Lol that's the thing though, that truly is me. There is a reason why my boyfriend who is 31 and I have no qualms over the age gap. I've been through enough things in life to have a level headed outlook on not just relationships but life too. I have no ill will towards you. I just think you're young and naive.
Els Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 My parents had their tuff times believe me. They separtaed a few times. My Dad committed adultery, and was an alcoholic. He changed and cleaned himself up. They are happy now and doing well. I'm grateful that they hung in there. I will always remember the good times with them. Marriage is about for bettering or worse. I remember my dad saying to someone that I didn't do half the things he did to sabatoge his marriage, and I'm the one that ended up divorced. That mad me cry. Why me? I'm truly sorry to hear that, Sox. I hope your next wife, if you decide to marry, will be a woman worthy of your commitment. Seen it, even on the neck. Terrible idea. You could always go with the tacky void stamp cover up :laugh: 1
Soxfaninfl Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I'm truly sorry to hear that, Sox. I hope your next wife, if you decide to marry, will be a woman worthy of your commitment. Thanks Elswyth! I want to get married again and have a wife, but I'm afraid of another divorce. I don't know if I can get over that fear. 1
blindotter Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I think some people have postulated that it is worse for a child to grow up in an unhappy household, compared to go through a divorce. They may well be right (or wrong, I'm divided on this), but I'm wondering if one can exit a marriage anytime it becomes unhappy/unsuccessful, then what is the purpose of marriage compared to de facto? This is partly why I don't believe in marriage. That, and the fact that it was originally designed as a socio-cultural method of transferring property (including the bride, herself) from one owner - the father - to the new owner - the husband. The idea just chafes at me. However, in the successful longterm relationships I have witness (among those married and those who have not paid money to the state to have their partnership certified), it's about making a choice, every day, to continue to work things out with this other human being. It also means working through all your own crap, which can be as difficult a process as when for some people. 1
OpenBook Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) Anyone had an experience like this? You met your sig other and within days, you just "knew"? Yes, this happened to me when I met my xH. I felt a "frisson" when I first laid eyes on him... kind of like a recognition almost. It has also happened with various SO's over the years - but not consistently. It's also happened with other people and places that eventually became significant in my life, romantic or not. But again, not on a consistent basis. It happened to me last week, in fact, with a new acquaintance. I'm trying hard to ignore it. Don't want the complication. Edited February 23, 2013 by OpenBook 2
blindotter Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I agree with OpenBook - I have felt that tingle of recognition for various people, places, and things that were significant in my life experience in one way or another - but the whole "the one" thing is kind of an odd concept to me because the only constant in life is that everything changes. 1
Els Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) Thanks Elswyth! I want to get married again and have a wife, but I'm afraid of another divorce. I don't know if I can get over that fear. I'll be rooting for you, Sox. However, in the successful longterm relationships I have witness (among those married and those who have not paid money to the state to have their partnership certified), it's about making a choice, every day, to continue to work things out with this other human being. Seconded, x10000000000000000000000000. I'm not personally against marriage; perhaps a little more cautious about it than most women are, but not against it. I do know that I intend to follow in JamesM's footsteps when I do get married (staying together no matter what), so I am taking all the time in the world to make that decision. I am partially enabled by the fact that the government where we live grants de facto couples almost the same rights as married couples, so marriage is more of a social/spiritual/personal commitment that you can take your time with rather than a legal necessity. But for people without this luxury, I suppose I can understand why they choose to go the marriage route even if they are not really in it for the 'traditional' lifelong commitment. Not to mention the enormous amount of social/familial pressure, and we are all human. And different people have different views on what marriage entails, I suppose. Edited February 23, 2013 by Elswyth 2
xxoo Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I agree with OpenBook - I have felt that tingle of recognition for various people, places, and things that were significant in my life experience in one way or another - but the whole "the one" thing is kind of an odd concept to me because the only constant in life is that everything changes. I agree with this. "When you know, you know" isn't exactly the same to me as the concept of "the one" or even "forever". I experienced it as a certainty that this is where I was supposed to be. That certainty could have changed, but it hasn't so far! 1
Els Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I agree with this. "When you know, you know" isn't exactly the same to me as the concept of "the one" or even "forever". I experienced it as a certainty that this is where I was supposed to be. That certainty could have changed, but it hasn't so far! This is the best way I could possibly have described the feeling, too. So well-put, xxoo!
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