truth_seeker Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I've seen similar patterns over the years, even when it is the same man in two different relationships. In one, he moves slow, wonder if it is right, eventually break up. Woman probably ends up labeling him a commitment-phobe. Then he meets another woman and it just moves so easily toward marriage. This is were the "hinting" comes into play. The guy likes her enough for hanging out, sex, being on his arm, etc, but doesn't get that assurance inside of himself that she is the one. He talks engagement to hold her off; keep her happy and at bay. She thinks there's a future and he can breath easier. Reality is there is no future. This is why if I meet a couple and they've been dating for years I know right away both are game to leave the other if someone else better comes along.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I've seen similar patterns over the years, even when it is the same man in two different relationships. In one, he moves slow, wonder if it is right, eventually break up. Woman probably ends up labeling him a commitment-phobe. Then he meets another woman and it just moves so easily toward marriage. I've seen it with female friends of mine, too. "Not sure" about Guy #1; in love with and over the moon about Guy #2 within a couple of months.
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I've seen similar patterns over the years, even when it is the same man in two different relationships. In one, he moves slow, wonder if it is right, eventually break up. Woman probably ends up labeling him a commitment-phobe. Then he meets another woman and it just moves so easily toward marriage. my ex has commitment issues because of his dramatic family history. But we did love each other very much, however we were... simply living in different countries, and then, life happened. Had I been 28, I may have waited a bit more, maybe. Him and his family were extremely upset with me for my "sudden" decision to leave, at seeing that he did not want to get married the next year . I was not looking for another man and he was not looking for another woman. OVer 2 years passed since the BU and he is still the guy who calls me the most, more than my dates. I'm simply not answering anymore. I don't think it's because we didn't love eachother or because we did not click. I've heard a loud click when meeting him . We simply didn't know how to make it work, after a certain point. I just needed more, I needed him to man up. He couldn't - and he sure as hell didn't expect me to dump him. And you'd think he'd know me better after 7 years, haha!
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I think this girl has her head in the clouds. She's happy now but give her another 3 months of this and she will suddenly not be in love anymore. Challenge accepted. I'll let you know how things are in 3 months.
xxoo Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Challenge accepted. I'll let you know how things are in 3 months. jacklyn, my H and I were just like that when we were dating. Whatever we were doing, we wanted to do it together. We're still best friends. It's been over 20 years It's not for everyone, but some couples really are besties! 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Ultimately, relationships are not black and white, you can't say "they were together for 4 years before getting married! They are going to last forever!" nothing in life is guaranteed. That is why I will always advise people to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 jacklyn, my H and I were just like that when we were dating. Whatever we were doing, we wanted to do it together. We're still best friends. It's been over 20 years It's not for everyone, but some couples really are besties! That is amazing to hear. Different strokes for different folks, it is what I have always wanted, and not a day goes by that I think "I'm suffocating!" the minute I don't want him involved in things info will be the minute I worry. He IS my escape from everything. After a long day of work, or a crappy day at school, he is the one thing I look forward to. It isn't just me which I think is key, he wants me there in his life just as much. The fact that he wants me involved in everything he does is something I cherish. Being on the same page is a reason why this works for us, it is why we BOTH have been looking for. 20 years... That seriously is a beautiful thing. 1
xxoo Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 He IS my escape from everything. After a long day of work, or a crappy day at school, he is the one thing I look forward to. I feel the same, still. That was a big part of "knowing" this is the right person for me. 20 years... That seriously is a beautiful thing. Thanks!
truth_seeker Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Ultimately, relationships are not black and white, you can't say "they were together for 4 years before getting married! They are going to last forever!" nothing in life is guaranteed. That is why I will always advise people to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. You have the right line of thinking but I don't trust you. If you were in your 30's I would believe you more. At your age, you're in love one minute and fall out of love the next.
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I believe someone just called for me, hi, nice to meet ya!
clia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 This is why if I meet a couple and they've been dating for years I know right away both are game to leave the other if someone else better comes along. I think you are right about this the majority of the time, but I have met several couples over the years who seemed very much in love with each other, but neither one wanted to get married, so they never did. I relate to this, and feel it even moreso now that I see a number of my friends going through horrible divorces. I'd be happy to date someone forever. I have no interest in marriage and have never wanted to get married, even when I was younger. It may well be commitment issues, or that I haven't met the right person, but I have no problem being in an exclusive, committed relationship with a man forever, and I have been very much in love throughout the years. I just don't want to be legally tied to another person. So, to each their own...
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 You have the right line of thinking but I don't trust you. If you were in your 30's I would believe you more. At your age, you're in love one minute and fall out of love the next. So now you are writing me off for my age? Lol that's the thing though, that truly is me. There is a reason why my boyfriend who is 31 and I have no qualms over the age gap. I've been through enough things in life to have a level headed outlook on not just relationships but life too.
Shardish Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Is it possible to have a long and happy relationship which doesn't entail marriage? The reason I ask is because I have no intention of ever marrying and I don't really want children.
clia Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Is it possible to have a long and happy relationship which doesn't entail marriage? The reason I ask is because I have no intention of ever marrying and I don't really want children. Of course. Look at Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn (30 years), Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon (I know they've since broken up, but they were together for over 20 years), John Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt (15 years). You just have to overcome the pressure from everyone you know to get married....
candie13 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Totally true, dude!!! No f*cking idea ! True that !! 1
RogerWallace111 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 You can feel like you "know", and maybe it'll lead to marriage, etc. But that doesn't mean 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the line it won't get old and end in divorce. You can be extremely compatible and deeply in love with a person and still end up having the relationship fizzle out.
iKING Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 You can feel like you "know", and maybe it'll lead to marriage, etc. But that doesn't mean 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the line it won't get old and end in divorce. You can be extremely compatible and deeply in love with a person and still end up having the relationship fizzle out. Everything in this life is temporary. Enjoy it while it lasts. If you spend your whole life searching for something permanent you might forget to appreciate what you have in the present. Very few truly wish to be completely alone, those of us in modern society tend to forget that we're never truly alone. Everything is connected. Everything you use, everything you own, what you watch, what you wear, the place you live, It's all there by another's contributions. Humans tend to forget we're all in this together.
iKING Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I have some older friends in their 40s that are divorced. One told me something very interesting the other day: Every relationship has a shelf life. Sorry ladies. The guys have invaded this thread with our silly logical thinking. She does have a point. Decay is inherit in all compound things. That's no less reason to enjoy it however, in fact, it should make one appreciate it even more. Perhaps that alone might preserve it to an extent. Don't dwell in the past, don't dream of the future, keep the mind concentrated on the present moment. Before we know it a year has gone by, 10 years.. 20. Time is an illusion. So is life, and death. The best we can do is enjoy it all, the ups, the downs, friends, family, lovers. It's all part of life. Yeah we pretty much hijacked this one. Gotta have some rationality in here somewhere. We came, we saw, we conquered. 1
Els Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I think you are right about this the majority of the time, but I have met several couples over the years who seemed very much in love with each other, but neither one wanted to get married, so they never did. I relate to this, and feel it even moreso now that I see a number of my friends going through horrible divorces. I'd be happy to date someone forever. I have no interest in marriage and have never wanted to get married, even when I was younger. It may well be commitment issues, or that I haven't met the right person, but I have no problem being in an exclusive, committed relationship with a man forever, and I have been very much in love throughout the years. I just don't want to be legally tied to another person. So, to each their own... Pretty much this. IMO lots of people nowadays treat marriage as nothing more than a de facto LTR with a nice wrapper around it. They stay in it if things go well; if things go south, they're out of there. I can't say their definition of marriage is wrong per se, but it does seem that they are not viewing it as a lifetime commitment. When you make a lifetime commitment you don't leave just because you 'don't feel the spark anymore', or you feel unloved, or your H grew fat and lazy, or your wife became disinterested in sex. It may actually be a good decision to leave in those cases, but then why make a lifetime commitment to begin with if it isn't for life? I honestly think that this is the view that some of the 'just jump into it because you're in looove! ' people have of marriage. Again, it's not wrong, but obviously if you know you have an out if things go wrong, even if it will be detrimental to your finances, it's still way easier to take the jump. On the other hand, if you genuinely are determined to stay for life no matter what, it's going to be much harder and take much longer. As an example, take a look at JamesM's marriage. Look at how much flak he is getting from people for not divorcing his wife due to their sexless marriage. That is a man who truly believes that marriage is for life, and is willing to make the sacrifices to keep it that way. Some of the people giving him flak are also the ones doing the 'if you know, you know!' thing here. Yeah, there's absolutely no reason not to jump into things in that case, since divorce is always an option. In fact, if you have a good pre-nup, you don't lose ANYthing compared to a de facto when you split. But then what does marriage mean anymore? 3
Woggle Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Pretty much this. IMO lots of people nowadays treat marriage as nothing more than a de facto LTR with a nice wrapper around it. They stay in it if things go well; if things go south, they're out of there. I can't say their definition of marriage is wrong per se, but it does seem that they are not viewing it as a lifetime commitment. When you make a lifetime commitment you don't leave just because you 'don't feel the spark anymore', or you feel unloved, or your H grew fat and lazy, or your wife became disinterested in sex. It may actually be a good decision to leave in those cases, but then why make a lifetime commitment to begin with if it isn't for life? I honestly think that this is the view that some of the 'just jump into it because you're in looove! ' people have of marriage. Again, it's not wrong, but obviously if you know you have an out if things go wrong, even if it will be detrimental to your finances, it's still way easier to take the jump. On the other hand, if you genuinely are determined to stay for life no matter what, it's going to be much harder and take much longer. As an example, take a look at JamesM's marriage. Look at how much flak he is getting from people for not divorcing his wife due to their sexless marriage. That is a man who truly believes that marriage is for life, and is willing to make the sacrifices to keep it that way. Some of the people giving him flak are also the ones doing the 'if you know, you know!' thing here. Yeah, there's absolutely no reason not to jump into things in that case, since divorce is always an option. In fact, if you have a good pre-nup, you don't lose ANYthing compared to a de facto when you split. But then what does marriage mean anymore? EXactly. If you actually believe in marriage and take it seriously it should never be something you just jump into in the heat of the moment.
iKING Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 EXactly. If you actually believe in marriage and take it seriously it should never be something you just jump into in the heat of the moment. This reminds me of an old Zen saying. Never test the water with both feet.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 You can feel like you "know", and maybe it'll lead to marriage, etc. But that doesn't mean 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the line it won't get old and end in divorce. You can be extremely compatible and deeply in love with a person and still end up having the relationship fizzle out. Yup it happened to me. My wife left me after being together for 11 years.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I have some older friends in their 40s that are divorced. One told me something very interesting the other day: Every relationship has a shelf life. Sorry ladies. The guys have invaded this thread with our silly logical thinking. It's depressing to be honest that it seems to be like that these days. I'd rather been alone then go thru another divorce. My divorce was so painful and devastating that I don't think I could survive another. I will date, but I won't get married again.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Pretty much this. IMO lots of people nowadays treat marriage as nothing more than a de facto LTR with a nice wrapper around it. They stay in it if things go well; if things go south, they're out of there. I can't say their definition of marriage is wrong per se, but it does seem that they are not viewing it as a lifetime commitment. When you make a lifetime commitment you don't leave just because you 'don't feel the spark anymore', or you feel unloved, or your H grew fat and lazy, or your wife became disinterested in sex. It may actually be a good decision to leave in those cases, but then why make a lifetime commitment to begin with if it isn't for life? I honestly think that this is the view that some of the 'just jump into it because you're in looove! ' people have of marriage. Again, it's not wrong, but obviously if you know you have an out if things go wrong, even if it will be detrimental to your finances, it's still way easier to take the jump. On the other hand, if you genuinely are determined to stay for life no matter what, it's going to be much harder and take much longer. As an example, take a look at JamesM's marriage. Look at how much flak he is getting from people for not divorcing his wife due to their sexless marriage. That is a man who truly believes that marriage is for life, and is willing to make the sacrifices to keep it that way. Some of the people giving him flak are also the ones doing the 'if you know, you know!' thing here. Yeah, there's absolutely no reason not to jump into things in that case, since divorce is always an option. In fact, if you have a good pre-nup, you don't lose ANYthing compared to a de facto when you split. But then what does marriage mean anymore? Elswyth your post is so right. I believed in a lifetime commitment, but my wife gave up on our marriage. I did everything possible to save it too. I hope I can find someone that believes in a lifetime commitment, but I'm losing faith. 1
Els Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Elswyth your post is so right. I believed in a lifetime commitment, but my wife gave up on our marriage. I did everything possible to save it too. I hope I can find someone that believes in a lifetime commitment, but I'm losing faith. Hey, honestly, there's nothing wrong with a non-lifetime commitment, either. I don't think everyone should or can mate for life. Some people can and should, others would be better off not. I think the reason for this is that people get pigeonholed into marriage when they want any sort of serious committed R. Probably because a de facto R is not acknowledged in many cultures and laws. So some people go straight from dating to marriage, when they do not actually intend for marriage to mean 'for life, no matter what', but actually mean it to be 'this means I'm committed to you and want to be with you for as long as both of us are happy'. This is okay when both people are of the same mind. When both people have different ideas of marriage, though, as in your case, then problems happen. I can't think of any easy solution for this, especially when kids come into the picture.
Recommended Posts