debber01 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I proposed to my ex wife after 8 months of dating. We had been living together for 6 months at that moment. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We were together for 11 years and married for 9. She fell out of love with me and left me for another man. She was the love of my life. No guarantees. Ever. Dated my ex h for a year, moved in together for a year, married, and got divorced after 25 years together. People just grow apart. They change. I know I'm certainly not the same person I was at 25. Neither is my ex. It's all a crapshoot. Whether you do everything 'traditionally' correct (together for 2 years or whatever prior to marriage) or whether you marry after a month together. No guarantee folks. Ever. You can do everything 'right' and wind up divorced many many years later. You can also marry after a month and stay married 'til death do us part.' I think a lot of it has to do with how much work you're willing to put into making a relationship work--not necessarily how long you were together before you got married. And meh. Frankly, if only one person is putting in the work, divorce is inevitable, whether you dated for 10 years prior to marriage or 10 days prior to marriage. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 So yeah, I get it. But I'm happy for my friends and ultimately, I can only hope to find that sort of happiness of my own and if I meet the right guy and get swept away and I'm engaged in six months, I'm just gonna roll with it. Call me a crazy romantic. Hell yes! That's my ideal. We know very quickly, date a while to make sure, air all our dirty laundry, and dive in anyway 3
Woggle Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Look dude I get that there is an ugly side to marriage called divorce. I've had my own share of heartache when my engagement broke down and it totally sucks. It was way worse for me than it was for him. It was like a divorce because we lived and shared a life together. I walked away with nearly nothing from the life I had helped him build. So yeah, I get it. But I'm happy for my friends and ultimately, I can only hope to find that sort of happiness of my own and if I meet the right guy and get swept away and I'm engaged in six months, I'm just gonna roll with it. Call me a crazy romantic. As heartbreaking as this was for you it is all the more reason not to rush in. Would you rather he did this or pulled this crap a few years into marriage with a kid or two in the mix? As pain as it was you dodged a bullet. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 As heartbreaking as this was for you it is all the more reason not to rush in. Would you rather he did this or pulled this crap a few years into marriage with a kid or two in the mix? As pain as it was you dodged a bullet. Honestly, time doesn't mean much. If both people are willing to do what it takes to make the marriage work, whether you were together 2 years prior or 6 months it won't really matter. I don't think ANYONE goes into marriage thinking it is going to end. The sad truth is that marriage is a gamble no matter what. I am a huge believer that you can know whether you see a future with a person in a small time frame. All depends on the relationship dynamics. If someone wants to "rush" into it, so be it. The truth is it has a 50/50 chance no matter what.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 For example... I had no idea that 4 years into my relationship my ex was going to cheat, and ultimately change his mind about wanting to be married. I had no warning signs going into it that something like that would happen. I know some marriages where 20 years in things fall apart... Does that mean I should wait 4 or more years to get married when with someone?
Weezy1973 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I think the issue is that "knowing" doesn't really mean you "know" that this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. There has to be a study somewhere that compares length of courting periods before marriage to length of marriages. Presumably, people that get married with a short courting period (say six months or less) had that "knowing" feeling really early on. If those marriages last the same amount of time or shorter than marriages with a longer courting period (say two years or more), that would indicate that the "knowing" feeling means squat.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I think the issue is that "knowing" doesn't really mean you "know" that this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. There has to be a study somewhere that compares length of courting periods before marriage to length of marriages. Presumably, people that get married with a short courting period (say six months or less) had that "knowing" feeling really early on. If those marriages last the same amount of time or shorter than marriages with a longer courting period (say two years or more), that would indicate that the "knowing" feeling means squat. Of course it doesn't. Nothing does though. And you can search, there is no proof that a shorter courting period means higher chance of divorce. It is more based on age.
candie13 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I stayed with my ex for 7 years and we didn't even get engaged . I don't see myself rushing under any way or form... but, after 7 years, I've realized that while me ex loved me very very much, he simply was not ready to get married. When I first met him, I was 23, turning 24, and was so inlove, had he asked me to get hitched or have a baby, I would have simply jumped in, head ahead. His main flaw was his commitment issue, so had he asked me to, maybe, potentially, we would have been happy. Very happy . Somewhere, during out seventh year, between my demanding job, my traveling, our LDR, I just fell out of love and left him. Two years after the break up, he still is the man who calls me the most, more than my dates, how crazy is that . The one to send me first texts for NYE and Christmas. I've stopped answering his calls a long time ago. While I am quite impulsive, after that BU, I tend to leave my new relationships very quickly, especially if I am involved, the first sign I get that my partner is not "there". Why? I don't want to waste my time with someone who's not convinced and doesn't "know". So yes, sometimes that special feeling of connection is there and is very very strong. However... I will never stay more than a few months with a guy, to get to know him and build a relationship, if I find out, for a fact, that he does not want to get married and have a family in the near future or with me. My time table, for the moment is: date for a year and take another year to think / plan / have the wedding. Obviously, there is no recipe for success, you can be with someone, planning to get married, or recently married, when he meets the woman of his life or you meet the man of you life and... there you go again. Can't protect yourself from that. Life simply happens. My biggest fear is that I may try to control too much my life and what's happening in it, and forget to just live my adventure, because sometimes, when you relax and enjoy, things just happen, no need to push or ask for that to occur.
Harradin Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 My parents met in a pub, the first conversation they had was my Dad asking my Mum out, they got engaged after 6 months and married after 18 months. They've been together since for 25 years. On my side, I thought I "knew" with my ex, we met online originally and there was something unusual between us. We pretty much started off unofficially the day we met, she told me she "knew", but I was too shy so she made the moves on me. We never argued, we got on like a house on fire, she always used to tell me no matter what happened to us she'd always love me. But then 2 and a half months she left me for someone else in odd circumstances, so maybe I was just fooled as it was my (and her) first love. Still got plenty of life to go yet!
Woggle Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 For example... I had no idea that 4 years into my relationship my ex was going to cheat, and ultimately change his mind about wanting to be married. I had no warning signs going into it that something like that would happen. I know some marriages where 20 years in things fall apart... Does that mean I should wait 4 or more years to get married when with someone? I am not saying wait 4 years but trying to a build a relationship on the often very unstable initial butterfly feelings is simply not a good idea. It's as weak a foundation as you can get. 1
Author Drseussgrrl Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 I am not saying wait 4 years but trying to a build a relationship on the often very unstable initial butterfly feelings is simply not a good idea. It's as weak a foundation as you can get. I mean yeah - I even mentioned this in a post. Some people are addicted to that initial rush, and once that's gone they get bored. It's important to know the difference.
iKING Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Knowing is talking the talk and walking the walk for a fair period of time. I can't count how many times I've said I've "known" and have it really not turn out to be the case due to lack of giving it time to settle in. Like a mustard seed, love starts out small and grows to be gigantic. Chemical reactions in the ol' noggin wear off.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Knowing is talking the talk and walking the walk for a fair period of time. I can't count how many times I've said I've "known" and have it really not turn out to be the case due to lack of giving it time to settle in. Like a mustard seed, love starts out small and grows to be gigantic. Chemical reactions in the ol' noggin wear off. is that you in your avatar?
mortensorchid Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I have debated this with others, mostly the married vs. unmarried (either single or divorced). I found that the married ones say "Oh yes, I knew when I saw them across the room", but NONE of the divorced ones said that. And then I met those who said they saw someone across the room, felt that somethin somethin, approached that person and found out they were obnoxious. I think that "knowing" is nostalgia talking for those who are happy myself. 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I am not saying wait 4 years but trying to a build a relationship on the often very unstable initial butterfly feelings is simply not a good idea. It's as weak a foundation as you can get. That doesn'take sense though, building a relationship in general is based off of nothing. That is why the relationship is "building" to build on one where you are crazy about one anther versus one where you just "like" the other person... I would choose to build a relationship from that feeling of knowing rather than not. Things go smoother. I've never felt what I feel with my now boyfriend with anyone, and we have been happily spending day in and day out with one another for months. To be able to truly spend all of each others time with the other person, I mean from waking up to falling asleep... That is a rare thing to have it go so smoothly. Weak foundation? That sense of knowing is what made this love we have so epic in the beginning, it has been the best foundation ever. You think just because someone get that "holy **** we need to be together" feeling of chemistry when they first meet it automatically makes them think that it will always be perfect? God no, that is naive. You still have ****ty times, you can still fight, you can still find things you don't like about the other person... But sometimes that connection you both have can be anough to make ll those things easy to address because of the natural connection and understanding you have. Some people just work together well... I think finding someone who you get that "I know" feeling with is something to be cherished and I firmly believe in giving the relationship a chance to grow on that. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I have debated this with others, mostly the married vs. unmarried (either single or divorced). I found that the married ones say "Oh yes, I knew when I saw them across the room", but NONE of the divorced ones said that. And then I met those who said they saw someone across the room, felt that somethin somethin, approached that person and found out they were obnoxious. I think that "knowing" is nostalgia talking for those who are happy myself. I can honestly say that if things don't work out with my boyfriend I will always refer to him as that one where I knew. I seriously would look for that feeling again too. 1
iKING Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Good looking boy. Well done. Much obliged! There for sure has to be a mutual spark from the get-go. But be prepared for anything when the spark is in reality just another human being, and that knowing all about them and their wants/needs in a relationship is going to have to be in reasonable relativity to yours for compromise to take place down the road. As you say, It's not all butterflies and rose-pedals. There has to be an intellectual connection to some degree for it to last. At least in our modern age. Not much of this took place in the old-school. People married their high school sweethearts and stuck it through to the sometimes bitter end.
e40 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 People think they know early on, but conveniently forget all the times it didn't work out.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 I agree. I love that feeling. It's amazing. And wonderful. And once you've had it you always look to have it again.
iKING Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I agree. I love that feeling. It's amazing. And wonderful. And once you've had it you always look to have it again. Chemicals are fun. That rush is a mixture of oxytocin, dopamine, and adrenaline. Makes one feel pretty alive!
Author Drseussgrrl Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Chemicals are fun. That rush is a mixture of oxytocin, dopamine, and adrenaline. Makes one feel pretty alive! Yep! And without those awesome love chemicals, people wouldn't get together. It's like asking why sex feels so good. I mean, entire wars have been fought over love. I love love.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Maybe I am lucky.Maybe that is why I believe in "just knowing" because the man who I ever in my entire life felt the most insane and intense connection with... After date number one I knew that I was right about that feeling. Call me a romantic, but as I said... We have been inseparable since. To be able to meet someone you have a spark and initial connection with, and then turn around and Practically live together after one week of knowing each other? Recipe for disaster right? But no, our emotional, mental, physical and connection on any other level is the most intense thing I have ever experienced. We spend every minute together when not working, we dont have cable or Internet so when together we truly are together. Playing board games, cookIng dinner together, drinking coffee and just talking, painting together, working out together... I am grateful and feel like this really is a miracle. We have created a relationship on the initial feeling of knowing and it is a true relationship. Where we support, love, and are there in every way possible for each other. Where one of us can have a ****ty day and we know that the best thing to do is just let them vent and when one of us gets upset at the Other we give them their cool down space and do what it takes to show we understand. We validate our feelings, love each other with a passiOn, have more fun than any couple I know, and take the ****ty days as proof that sometimes to know you have something awesome you need to experience some ****! Lol All of this built on a random encounter where we saw each other and "knew". Things could end tomorrow and I would be shatterd, but I also would never settle for anything less that what I have experienced up until now. 1
iKING Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Yep! And without those awesome love chemicals, people wouldn't get together. It's like asking why sex feels so good. I mean, entire wars have been fought over love. I love love. People would have to be rational! Scary proposition. Sex feels good due to the nerve endings, PLUS the chemicals. It's a double whammy. Girl's equipment is much more interesting. They get 3 intense pleasure spots and 2 different results!(well, sort of.) Guys get one. What a rip. Yeah love is pretty addictive, true that.
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