clia Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 It doesn't bother me in the least. I have male friends, my boyfriend has female friends. It's no biggie. We trust each other. Would you be ok with your man spending alone time with a female friend? Yes, and he does. There have even been times -- gasp -- when I haven't been able to do something with him that he wants to do (no, not sex! ), and I've encouraged him to call up Sally or Mary to go with him. I encourage him to see his friends whenever he wants. Would you request to meet her? I've never specifically said "Oh, I must meet her before you can hang out with her or anything like that." But some of them seemed pretty cool, so of course I said "Hey, I'd love to meet her." It wasn't because I was insecure about his relationship with them, though, and there was no rush on my part. How would you feel about him canceling plans with you to spend time with her? If she needed him (i.e. was going through a bad break up or had a death in the family or something), I'd have no problem with it. It wouldn't be any different than with a male friend. If he cancelled on me for no real reason, though, I'd probably be annoyed...unless I wanted couch time anyway.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 It would annoy me to be honest. Which is pretty hypocritical since I have female friends. I don't think you can have a friendship between male/female where one isn't sexually attracted to the other. Which is why I don't meet up with my female friends in person when I'm dating someone. Maybe men can't because maybe men don't ever really value women for other qualities the offer over sex. But I think women can be friends with men they don't find sexually attractive because they know men have more value than that. I think I have to call my male friends about this and ask their opinion. Maybe even meet up for drinks or something. 3
EasyHeart Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 It depends on the context. If they're going out alone together all the time, that's one thing. If they talk on the phone every now and then, that's another. I think it's also important how long they've been friends. If they've known each other for 10 years and never boned, chances are they aren't going to. If they met 3 months ago and dated for awhile, that's completely different. I think my friends are about 50-50 male/female. None of my female friends are threats to my girlfriend. If I wanted to **** any of them, I would have done it a long time ago. 1
xxoo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 A "friend of the couple" is a friend of mine. I've met men and women through my partner who've become my friends, and he's met men and women through me who've become his friends. While each of us has done something one-on-one with an opposite sex friend on occasion, the partner is always invited. Sometimes one of us decides not to go, but tells them to "go ahead!"
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Depends what kind of gals they are and what kind of social scene you hole up in. To be honest, the females I know are much more fun than the men I know. They love to drink, sing, go to Restaurant week, and Broadway shows, all without the pretense of meeting members of the opposite sex. Most of the guys I know, their life revolves around trying to meet women and, um, um... well, I dunno what else. I guess if you sit in more girly girl/manly man type social circles, then it would be different. That's not me though. I'm a nerdy urbanite with a low libido. I'm sure it'd be totally different if I was in the Venice Beach power beach volleyball scene.
SJC2008 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I don't have female friends so a woman I'm dating wouldn't have to worry. Now I'm not the controlling or posessive type but where do you draw the line with opposite sex friends? If I'm dating a woman and she has male friends would I have the right to ask her to tell me if she is going to hang out with one?? Serious question.
NervisPervis Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 It seems a lot of men are pretty hypocritical about this. No, I think most men are pretty honest. They will tell you that if they pursue a friendship with a woman beyond that which is required (work, friends of friends, neighbors, etc) they do so because they want to screw them. If they say otherwise, they are liars, not hypocrites. 3
NervisPervis Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Most people's instincts are usually good enough to know when there's something not quite right about a situation. You're one to talk about instincts. You have NO IDEA that each and every one of your male "friends" want to bang you, do you? 1
NervisPervis Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I think I have to call my male friends about this and ask their opinion. Maybe even meet up for drinks or something. Please do. And PLEASE report back. I hope they are honest with you. And do it over drinks. They will think it is a prelude to more and may be more prone to honesty. (Thinking it will get them into your pants, of course). 1
ScienceGal Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 An ex doesnt bother me, sex though changes a lot IMO. It has always been more awkward around ex's whom I was intimate with than those who we didn't fool around And by best friend, I mean one of my two best friends...my friend Lindsey, if she was a man, she'd be my best man if I ever got married. My ex told me 8 months into dating that he had been sexual in the past with his two closest female friends. And, I already knew about a third female friend that he had been with. I think I was so buried under all the BS he threw at me, that it didn't even phase me at the time. I didn't even get angry that he had withheld that information. I was already detached at that point... he had already lied to me so much. My stomach is still sick with how terrible of a partner he was to me. Moving forward... honesty and boundaries are a big deal. Someone who doesn't have those two things will not suit me. I cannot believe how much I compromised to be with ex. In general, I would need to know the nature of the relationship between my partner and his female friend(s). I would have to have confidence that it was strictly platonic. And, well... I suppose it would have a lot to do with the trust I have in him as a man and a partner to me. I have male friends, but I do not have close male friends.. not that I couldn't or wouldn't, I just don't at this time. I think the likelihood of making such a connection at my age (31) is slim. Friendships carried from a younger age are one thing, but most adults are looking for a close relationship with a lover/partner, they don't want to be friend-zoned.
venusianx13 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 My boyfriend has a couple of female friends; one of them is a lesbian, and one of them is straight. I felt I had no right to enforce boundaries when it came to his straight friend, as he's a great guy and I trusted he wouldn't do anything improper in regards to the one straight friend of his. And besides, I keep a circle of guy friends, myself. I've known them for years and I like to hang like one of the guys from time to time. Anyway, I didn't judge the situation until after I'd hung out with her twice (with him). The odd thing was, the first time I'd met her, I really, really enjoyed her company. I thought she was cool. The second time didn't go as well, though, and I'd like to chalk it up to the fact that she was pretty intoxicated, but I'm not sure that's entirely it. She was making remarks to my boyfriend about how they should move to California together (for better beer selection?!) and how she'd like travel with him to Octoberfest. He didn't respond in kind to any of these things, but I got a little upset. I didn't feel threatened, it was more a feeling of being really disrespected (by her). She was also being flirtatious with other guys we were sitting with, but still... it made me re-evaluate. I spoke with him later and he agreed she was pretty out of line. I've asked that he not do any hanging out one on one with her, and he agreed. It's really unfortunate that it ended up that way... as I'd mentioned, the first time I met her, I really did enjoy her company. 1
tbf Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 It depends on their friendship. If it's a flirtatious friendship or one where she's stroking his ego all the time, no. If it's purely platonic, there's no reason why not. 8
e40 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Men and women can be friends, with reasonable boundaries.
Quest Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 But how much time do you truly spend with these male friends? Are the men you date typically OK with it? Most of them I would see maybe once a month max, and often in a group. But sometimes we'll see each other one-to-one for a drink, or to see a movie or something, although that would generally be when both of us are single. Most guys I've dated have been okay with this as they would usually come along if I was meeting a male friend - I certainly would ask them.
GSB81 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Some girls just don't get it about male friends. It's a pretty good scam actually. Here's something to think about: why don't extremely ugly girls have a lot of guys friends and why do really hot girls have tons of guy friends? You can flip the gender for that question if you wish. 1
Els Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I don't mind, but there are boundaries (that I follow myself as well). The most important bit is that all communication should be open for either of us to read. We each have access to each others' computers and phones whenever we please, and though we don't snoop on purpose, we do use them on occasion (he has numbers that I need on his phone and there's a few unread messages that pop up, he uses my computer because it's the only one with the printer installed and my FB is up, etc). If any communication needs to be hidden it's generally a bad sign IMO. If we're going to meet up with an opposite-sex friend on a one-on-one basis, we generally let the other person know and ask if they want to come. Also, sheesh, what's with people trying to turn this into a gender war AGAIN? There was absolutely no mention of gender in the OP's post, FFS. Soon you won't be able to make a thread about, "How was the sunset today?" without some group of MRAs turning up and saying, "Women always ruin sunsets when men want to enjoy them" or something equally idiotic. 1
NervisPervis Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 It depends on their friendship...If it's purely platonic, there's no reason why not. I can GUARANTEE that you and all 6 people who liked this post are chicks. "Purely platonic". Read my lips: No. Such. Thing! 1
Els Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I can GUARANTEE that you and all 6 people who liked this post are chicks. "Purely platonic". Read my lips: No. Such. Thing! It's interesting how some people labour under the delusion that just because they can't do something, nobody else can. Plenty of guys are capable of maintaining platonic friendships. Guys IRL, as well as male posters on LS. Unless you think that several of our regular male posters are liars. 2
xxoo Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 What makes a relationship non-platonic? A thought? Or an action? It isn't anywhere impossible to feel and attraction and behave appropriately. Many such attractions are passing, anyway. 3
Anela Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I can GUARANTEE that you and all 6 people who liked this post are chicks. "Purely platonic". Read my lips: No. Such. Thing! At least one of them is a guy. Also, sheesh, what's with people trying to turn this into a gender war AGAIN? There was absolutely no mention of gender in the OP's post, FFS. Soon you won't be able to make a thread about, "How was the sunset today?" without some group of MRAs turning up and saying, "Women always ruin sunsets when men want to enjoy them" or something equally idiotic. 1
candie13 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 There actually a few studies showing that male friends fantasize / like a lot their female friends. But if you think about it, it is normal, to a certain extent. You need to like and appreciate your friends. For their values, for their way of being, because they make me laugh, because they're cool and sooooo simple and relaxed. I appreciate a lot my male friends - except for when they get all crazy about football and cars, bleah, I hate those conversations! I like and care about them dearly. I want to keep them in my life, I rely on their input. But, they all know that if they try to make a move, our friendship is over. I will never risk it. They won't.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 My married female friend and I almost got together, but she didn't want to risk our friendship. We have been friends for 16 years. I care about her but I don't love her. My divorce friend I would consider but it would never works cause she lives an hour away. She can't move and neither can I due to we are both divorced and share custody with our ex's. Our children are all under 9 too. So yes I have thought of having sex with them, but I have never acted on it even when my married friend was sinlge and I was married.
runningfar Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I don't care. He has female friends; I have male friends. We try to befriend each other's friends. I would only care if he was hesitant to introduce me to one or hiding their friendship secretive about their communication (would not like secrecy in any way)
iKING Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Ah, what a mine-field. This circumstance is best to be taken on a case-to-case basis. It is very possible to have strictly platonic opposite sex friendships, but one has to be careful to draw the line somewhere. For example, a one-on-one sleepover with an attractive member of the opposite sex during a relationship sparks questioning, whereas a group setting is significantly less questionable. As a note, when there's witnesses, odds are you'll be told if something sketchy goes down. Trust is very important, but recklessness is like putting your hand in fire expecting not to get burnt. 1
GravityMan Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 As long as boundaries are respected, I don't care. I have both male and female friends and that has been the case ever since like 3rd grade. In fact I prefer that a woman I date has both male and female friends. (Not a dealbreaker if all her friends are of one gender, though.) Assuming her "people picker" is good, I think having friends of both genders is a sign of emotional maturity. 1
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