First post

[dj572]

Hello all. I am new to the forum. I have lot on my mind but let me start by telling a brief history. I am a 38 yr old divorced man. My wife left in 2009 there's another story there but I won't get into it now. I went from living at home straight into being married so I had to learn to be alone. I jumped back into dating too quickly in my opinion but I was lonely. At first I wanted to be married again because I didn't know how to be alone. I hate to admit it now but I let some women use me. Not for sex but for my handyman skills for lack of a better term. Oh well live and learn.

 

I have been dating the same woman for around 3 years now. I wanted to marry her at first but I'm glad I didn't. She is a user like most women I have met. No offense ladies I kmow there are good ones but I don't seem to find them. I have become bitter and cynical now. We live seperately and I prefer to keep it that way. I have found I prefer to live alone. We still get together sometimes but not as often as we used to. She got angry at me a few months ago and said we were through. I took it in stride but 3 days later she acted like nothing happened. We have never really discussed it she is not one to discuss anything and to be honest I don't care anymore. I put forth the effort at first but I just don't feel like trying anymore. Now we are no more than friends with benefits.

 

Around the time my girlfriend said we were done I ran into an ex I met after my wife left. I really liked her and she broke my heart but life goes on. She had gotten married but as we talked she clearly was miserable. She told me one day she felt like she messed up letting me slip through her fingers. I told her sorry you made your bed you have to sleep in it. Again now I am happy she ended it I don't think I could take her drama. She tried to get me to start seeing her on the side to fill in what she was not getting from her husband. I declined and she tried to guilt me into but I am much better at saying no now.

 

I have come to a point in my life now as I approach 40 and I have become so independant and untrusting I don't know if I can ever have a "normal" relationship. I'm not even sure I want one anymore. I never dated much before I met my wife to be and I was so lonely I couldn't stand it sometimes. But after the divorce and some bad dating experiences I prefer to be alone now. I do enjoy companionship sometimes. Not just sex but having somebody to do things with. But for the most part I enjoy my independance and not having to answer to anybody. I still see my now FWB sometimes but I just don't think I want a relationship with anybody anymore.

 

I was introduced to a coworker recently. Another coworker invited her and me to an outing. We became friends and I have gotten to know her better now. I'll say this if I had met her sooner I would pursue a relationship with her. She is a wonderful person and she has never been married but has a child from a long term relationship. I have had some coworkers mention I should pursue her because they think we would be a good couple. I guess I am damaged for lack of a better term and I think of all that could go wrong and I would rather not. I'm sure the path I'm on will lead to being alone but I just can't get myself try anymore. I don't have a good track record. I know it takes 2 to make a relationship work but I have put in the effort in the past and it has always ended with me bitter and alone regretting things and wishing I had never tried.

 

I'm not really looking for advice I think I just needed to put my thoughts out there. Feel free to respond positive or negative or indifferent maybe another perspective couldn't hurt.