Should i stay or should i go?

[aliceb1987]

I have just got back from seeing a guy i am 'dating' and am feeling very deflated...

 

I have been seeing him for the past few weeks but i am not sure what to do.I really like him and generally he has been giving all the right signs of wanting to be with me,however he has not been very forthcoming...he seems pretty laid back about the whole thing,kind of 'take it or leave it'.We discussed where things are going the other night-i asked what he wants from me and he said he is looking for a serious relationship but he too was unsure of where things are going.When i went over there last week to stay for a couple of days he seemed really into me and we slept together.

 

In hindsight i felt that this was too quick.I brought up the other night about what he wanted and where things were going.He said he had been wondering the same and asked what we should do.He asked me if i wanted to keep things 'casual' and 'chilled' or wanted things to be 'heavy' 'intense' and 'exclusive' In response i said to him about just holding off the sex for a while.I said i really liked him but wanted to take some time to see how things went for abit longer before getting into an immediete relationship.

 

Today i went round there and he seemed kind of distant...admittedly his little boy was round which obviously meant we weren't all over each other or anything which i was fine about,but he didn't even hug me on the sofa and when i left he gave me a quick kiss and there was barely a goodbye not alone 'text me when your home' or any speak of when we would see each other again.

 

I read somewhere that how you feel when you part company with someone should tell you whether things are wrong or right...last time i felt confused,this time i feel empty...like he doesn't care.I'm not sure whether this is the case,or if he is holding back because of what i said to him the other night.Either way,he does not seem to be going out of his way to show he cares.

 

He talks about future plans ie;places we can go together etc,but his contact although daily is kind of sporadic and he doesn't seem to make me one of his top priorities.

 

I Know he said he is being relaxed but in my experience usually someone is pretty into me by the time we get into a relationship which would technically be the next step.

 

I don't know what to do...whether to carry on or quit now as i am getting into him and it is starting to hurt :-( Help please dearest loveshackers! x

[confusedheartlessbxt]

I think you should let it go. If he wants you, he will come after you. You shouldn't have to stress and guess. You should feel great about this, especially because it is fresh. Cut your losses and move on. Don't stress over someone who doesn't even know what they want.

[clia]

This is why sex too soon can be such a problem for women. The oxytocin kicks in and you start pretzel brain twisting over everything.

 

From your previous posts, it looks like your first date with this guy was around two weeks ago. (Is that accurate?)

 

Two weeks is way too soon to be having serious-relationship-where-is-this-going discussions, at least in my opinion. The early days should be carefree and fun. No worries about serious, heavy stuff. That weighs down a relationship. Of course, so does sex.

 

It's hard to say whether he is pulling away and not interested based on your post. Maybe he was distant today because he is losing interest; or maybe he just had other things on his mind. When is your next date? Has he taken you out since your first date, or have they been "hang out at his place" kind of dates? Has he gone to your place yet or are you still going to him?

 

I think you should pull back and see what he does next. Also, try to relax and not worry so much. What's going to happen is going to happen and there isn't anything you can do about it at this point.

[todreaminblue]

I have just got back from seeing a guy i am 'dating' and am feeling very deflated...

 

I have been seeing him for the past few weeks but i am not sure what to do.I really like him and generally he has been giving all the right signs of wanting to be with me,however he has not been very forthcoming...he seems pretty laid back about the whole thing,kind of 'take it or leave it'.We discussed where things are going the other night-i asked what he wants from me and he said he is looking for a serious relationship but he too was unsure of where things are going.When i went over there last week to stay for a couple of days he seemed really into me and we slept together.

 

In hindsight i felt that this was too quick.I brought up the other night about what he wanted and where things were going.He said he had been wondering the same and asked what we should do.He asked me if i wanted to keep things 'casual' and 'chilled' or wanted things to be 'heavy' 'intense' and 'exclusive' In response i said to him about just holding off the sex for a while.I said i really liked him but wanted to take some time to see how things went for abit longer before getting into an immediete relationship.

 

Today i went round there and he seemed kind of distant...admittedly his little boy was round which obviously meant we weren't all over each other or anything which i was fine about,but he didn't even hug me on the sofa and when i left he gave me a quick kiss and there was barely a goodbye not alone 'text me when your home' or any speak of when we would see each other again.

 

I read somewhere that how you feel when you part company with someone should tell you whether things are wrong or right...last time i felt confused,this time i feel empty...like he doesn't care.I'm not sure whether this is the case,or if he is holding back because of what i said to him the other night.Either way,he does not seem to be going out of his way to show he cares.

 

He talks about future plans ie;places we can go together etc,but his contact although daily is kind of sporadic and he doesn't seem to make me one of his top priorities.

 

I Know he said he is being relaxed but in my experience usually someone is pretty into me by the time we get into a relationship which would technically be the next step.

 

I don't know what to do...whether to carry on or quit now as i am getting into him and it is starting to hurt :-( Help please dearest loveshackers! x

 

i think when you feel a guy is a take it or leave it guy....its next batter up.......i am assumin gyou had sex after the fact he told you he didnt know if he wanted to be serious with you....that is a mistake,we all make them, not your fault because i understand you really like the guy...he is taking advantage of your interest.. his interest has to be at the same level to not be to hsi advantage its meant to be equal shares.........be open with him tell him you want a committed relationship, you have seen the guys penis and he has seen your vagina.....to me thats serious and obviously to you it is too, because you are feeling used.......do not sleep with him again until you have the talk, and he is on the same page you are....sounds like a conflict of interest...what he is interested in has hair on it what you are interested in is him in general...dont give it up because he wants your kittykat...make sure this is not the case....of him being apathetic because he has already been with you........do not invest anymore unless you know there is a return...deb

[Untouchable_Fire]

I read somewhere that how you feel when you part company with someone should tell you whether things are wrong or right...last time i felt confused,this time i feel empty...like he doesn't care.I'm not sure whether this is the case,or if he is holding back because of what i said to him the other night.Either way,he does not seem to be going out of his way to show he cares.

 

I Know he said he is being relaxed but in my experience usually someone is pretty into me by the time we get into a relationship which would technically be the next step.

 

Don't get all needy and attention seeking. You seem to be massively overthinking everything at the moment. Demanding to be the worlds center of attention at every moment is silly.

 

Give it some time and see if the behavior persists. Sex or no sex doesn't matter at this point. Do you really want the guy faking interest to get laid? Or do you really want to know how much he likes you? Personally, I'd say his interest level has dropped, but there isn't enough here to say why. It could be anything from problems with his kid to you being awful in bed.

 

i think when you feel a guy is a take it or leave it guy....its next batter up......

 

Never make choices based on how you THINK someone feels. Get some facts first.

[aliceb1987]

Thanks for all the replies..wise words as always!

 

His behaviour is just so erratic and hot and cold...After i posted on here last night he went through a 'hot' phrase,was being quite chatty in text messages then started a conversation on facebook...but then asked me the following question

 

"So how scary is everything with me?

Like… if a friend asked how. It was going, where we were and all of that jazz, what'd you say?"

 

i took a few minutes to think about this and then replied,but he disappeared! I texted him asking him where had he gone, and heard nothing from him til this morning when he texted me saying good morning and hoping i would have a good day.No apology or explanation that he had just left last night.I asked him what had happened and he said he had 'gone to bed!' I said i thought he would've wanted to see my answer to his question,but he said he hadn't meant it to be a big deal.

 

That is an example of his random behaviour.I just don't understand it,cause he seems all full on one minute then all relaxed about everything the next.Maybe it is just our differences in personalities...but my friends think it is strange also.I am used to things being clear cut,either someone is really into me or really offish and doesn't initiate conversation/want to continue meeting up.

I guess the only thing i can do is let things be for awhile and just see what happens...not allow things to get too intense until i'm sure we would have a chance of working if we did get together.

[Rob2183]

I honestly would give it some time if you're that into him but just kind of keep our guard up incase of a let down. Sometimes it takes a little lover for us guys to commit to one girl and that's maybe what he's doing so just take a wait and see approach and just enjoy yourself and see where it goes

 

Help? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/375286-she-done-me

[curlygirl40]

A couple things. I think you need to give it some more time. It's too soon to have that 'where are we going, what are we doing?' convo in my opinion. Of course you want to have this convo because you slept together and now your head is in high gear.

 

Try to stifle it and just enjoy it for what it is and save the heavy convos for later.

 

I know it's hard. But a lot of times in the beginning people (men and women!) aren't sure what they want. So if you push them to make a decision, instead of just going with the flow, they will run away because they aren't ready to make that decision.

 

The next thing is that YOU have to decide what YOU want out of it. If you want a relationship, then at least you know. If he EVER says to you 'I don't want anything serious, I just want to hang out and date casually' then warning bells need to be going off. Just because you have decided that casual is not what you want so therefore you're not compatible. Don't fool yourself into believing that if he says 'I don't want a relationship' that you can change his mind, or that he will change his mind once he sees how awesome you are.

 

So settle down that mind of yours (I know it's not easy), and be cool. In time, by his words or his actions, you will know which direction it's headed in. And then once you have some answers, depending on what you want, you can decide what to do about it.

 

But for now, this is what you do. When he calls, answer. When he texts, text back. When he asks to see you, say yes. Sometimes be the one to make plans and text him first so he knows you're interested, don't make him do all of the heavy lifting, but enough so that he knows the interest is mutual. Just be cool. Give it a few more weeks and then maybe it's time to reassess.

 

When a guy asks me what I am looking for I usually say something along the lines of 'I'm looking for a relationship but I'm not in a hurry to get there'. So they know up front that I am looking for a relationship, but then hopefully they can also not worry that I'm desperate for any guy who can fog a mirror.

 

Think of what you will say the next time he asks you something along those lines. Think of an answer that is honest and truthful but not scary like "I want to be married in 6 months!".

 

And if the time comes that you know he doesn't want a relationship but you do, and you're still crazy about him, try to be cool.

 

Say something simple like 'I really like you and I enjoyed the time we spent together, but it looks like we're both looking for different things so I'm going to move along and continue my search. Good luck to you'. Then walk away. If he follows, then maybe you have something. If he says 'awww, shucks, that's too bad', then you know you made the right decision.

 

Good luck!!

[aliceb1987]

Thankyou Rob and Curlygirl for your responses...

 

I think both of you and the other people who suggested just giving things some time are probably right.After all,as intense as the past couple of weeks have been,it is not time enough to ascertain an accurate understanding of someone.

I am not up for playing games,but i am trying to cool things off abit and not fret over trying to interpret every bit of behaviour...(and any pick ups to him about this are done in jest) I do not want to have anymore heavy conversations this soon,it should be lighthearted and fun at this point.

 

I guess the good thing is that we haven't gone a day without contact and it is pretty evened out between us.When i speak with him he seems genuinely interested in how my day has gone/what my plans are etc and seems keen to have a conversation of a reasonable length.

 

He seems keen to talk about meeting up,and today said that he had been invited by a girl he used to work with to go the zoo with his son over the weekend but he declined the offer because we are meant to be doing it at some point...i liked that

 

So settle down that mind of yours (I know it's not easy), and be cool. In time, by his words or his actions, you will know which direction it's headed in. And then once you have some answers, depending on what you want, you can decide what to do about it.

 

But for now, this is what you do. When he calls, answer. When he texts, text back. When he asks to see you, say yes. Sometimes be the one to make plans and text him first so he knows you're interested, don't make him do all of the heavy lifting, but enough so that he knows the interest is mutual. Just be cool. Give it a few more weeks and then maybe it's time to reassess.

 

Brilliant pieces of advice curlygirl,time to sit back,chill out,be objective and just see what happens...maybe it will maybe it won't but i am starting to think life is too short to keep worrying!

[curlygirl40]

 

 

Brilliant pieces of advice curlygirl,time to sit back,chill out,be objective and just see what happens...maybe it will maybe it won't but i am starting to think life is too short to keep worrying!

 

My mind is often on overdrive, so the advice I gave you is just the same stuff I have to tell myself! lol

 

But I do think that you can negatively impact a new relationship with too much worrying. Let things take it's course. Time tells all tales. Give it time. And enjoy the ride, sounds like things are going well.

 

Enjoy!!