soar101 Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Have been having troubling times with my guy for a couple months now- mostly over his lifestyle (plays in a band, is lazy about getting a job, I have been supporting him). Past couple of days he said we should walk away and take time to "normal out". Granted I have said the same to him many times in the past. Yesterday was our first day of no speaking....well, besides me writing him asking him to please reconsider. He wrote me back today with the following: "Sweety, I told you there is no need to apologize. It got all screwed up and out of whack. It was a group effort. But I really have to ask you to stop writing and leave me be. I haven't been reading your emails. I won't be responding again so just do yourself a favor and move on. It's time to let it go. No more, ok? The sooner you stop writing the sooner you will feel better. Ok? Ok." to which I replied, So you feel there is no chance of us being even friends? I will have to respect your decision though it breaks my heart and I will never understood why you want to just abandon me. i hope you reconsider. I don't want you out of my life." and he replied, "you need to stop writing to me and you need to let it go. I'm so sorry that it came to this. I feel awful about it but it needs to end now. How many times did you tell me that the best thing for you would be for you to walk away? So please stop trying. Just let it go. You'll be much better off. So if you want to know what you can do... that's what I want from you. I want you to forget all about me and I want you to heal so that you can be happy. Ok? Thank you for caring so much about me but it's time to let go. Goodbye. I love you. No more emails." and with that said, he blocked me. I am falling to pieces. I just don't know what to do.
KatZee Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Begging and pleading is not attractive for anyone, and that's what you did. The SECOND someone decides they don't want you, you GO AWAY. You don't try to fight for them, or convince them, or manipulate them in any way shape or form. When you do this, you decrease your value in their eyes. They don't see you as sexy, or desirable. They feel bad for you. When he started it off with "sweety" I cringed because you don't call a grown woman "sweety." It reeks of pity. And then when he tells you to stop and to move on, you beg and plead some more and show you're willing to accept whatever crumbs he throws at you just to be in his life. Further decreasing your value even more. He said he's not reading what you're writing, and you need to stop and you need to move on. Any further communication with this person is harassment. Give him what he wants, leave him alone. The reason that you won't stop is why he's blocked you. It's the only way that he can get through to you. 1
iouaname Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Oh wow Honey, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how tough that must be. I know it must be awful to hear, but he at least is being upfront and putting it on the table and offering no mixed messages. The relationship is over and he wants for you to move on, and he recognizes that messaging him is not helping you move on. The only thing you can do is move on, as tough as it may be 1
Author soar101 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Thanks guys for listening and caring enough to reply. I KNOW I just made an idiot out of myself with him. Just a month ago it was ME saying I wanna walk away and him begging me to stay. I am just so confused by it all and I do know I need to leave him alone and let him be. So you guys think there is no chance? That its over for good?
Author soar101 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 but I do want to add about the calling me "sweety" thing, he always calls me that....even when things were good. Sweety and sweety pie.
KatZee Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Yeah, it's over. Don't cling to hope b/c it will ruin you. 1
Author soar101 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Yeah, it's over. Don't cling to hope b/c it will ruin you. How are you certain its over though? Just two days ago he gave me a card. I am just so confused by everything.
KatZee Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 How are you certain its over though? Just two days ago he gave me a card. I am just so confused by everything. I'm fairly certain him saying that he's not reading your messages, that you need to stop writing him, and the fact he's blocked you... means it's over. I mean you can go ahead and cling to hope, or read into the fact he said "I love you" or the fact he gave you a card... but if you do those things, you'll be in the same spot you're in right now 6 months down the line, and then a year down the line. No one can say for 110% if it's over FOREVER but for right now, it's over. And the sooner you get out of the denial and bargaining stage, is the sooner you'll be able to focus on you and your own life and start to heal. 2
Author soar101 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 I'm fairly certain him saying that he's not reading your messages, that you need to stop writing him, and the fact he's blocked you... means it's over. I mean you can go ahead and cling to hope, or read into the fact he said "I love you" or the fact he gave you a card... but if you do those things, you'll be in the same spot you're in right now 6 months down the line, and then a year down the line. No one can say for 110% if it's over FOREVER but for right now, it's over. And the sooner you get out of the denial and bargaining stage, is the sooner you'll be able to focus on you and your own life and start to heal. I know you are telling me the truth. The HARSH truth, but the truth. I guess its just because me and him have done this make up break up thing a lot of times I have "hope". But then again the fact we keep doing it should tell me something is bad. I am just hurting so much and don't want to accept its over. But I will quit writing him.
Author soar101 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 also Katzee I must ask for clarity- why WOULD he say "I love you" and give me a card if he does not love me? I mean I know he is mad right NOW but still. I guess I just don't understand. I know you say not to read into that, but why wouldn't I want to see the good a little?
Author soar101 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Selfish lazy band boys who are legends in their own mind because they can pluck a string or beat a skin are a dime a dozen. They honestly think they can get any girl they serenade to pay all their bills, promising to return the favor once they "make it big". The 80's and 90's were filled with long haired delusional men convinced they would be the next "poison" or "guns & roses"... You told him point blank: your laziness is a detriment to me. His response? It wasn't to become a man, it was tell you to f off rather than get a job! He is so passive he couldn't even tell you to F off properly, he plays this lame: "oh I'm doing you a favor by leaving", instead if saying the truth: "I'm a lazy f*ck who wants to live in fantasy land while you foot the bill, do it or ill find a different vaginal wallet dumber than you." Sit and think of everything that sucked about him, repeatedly, all day long. Do it for weeks, months, until the guy is a disgusting pig to you. Think about his tiny c*ck, crappy career goals, buck teeth, drop out hairy arse long enough and you will be happy he blocked you! It works, I've buried quite a few band boys that way (they come back too, so be sure to read the 180 to toughen yourself up). haha! Wow where have you been my whole life? I have much experience with these band guys and can tell without a doubt you know exactly what you are talking about. You are awesome!
H3Drvr Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 The relationship is dead...mourn and grieve over it, accept it and move on. Just tell yourself that you will be happy again and believe in it. Don't even look at old pics or messages because it will just drive you insane. At the same time, you need to start increasing your value. That includes fixing yourself up, taking care of your health and moving forward with work, career and non-relationship aspirations. Learn to let go of the relationship and be on your own for awhile, find yourself, your true identity and that alone will increase your self value not to mention "attractive quotient".
Author soar101 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Where have I been? Alternatively dating and booting band boys across various American venues. LOL I actually had the SAME scenario happen to me last year. My band boy kept losing jobs and I had to tell him it was a detriment and his masculinity was depreciating, that I was a kind, attractive, accomplished woman more than happy to help but he would be a fool to take advantage because he's getting older and enough time has elapsed for him to understand the probability of making it and/or finding any woman willing to put up with the nonsense. I was harsh, I know it, but I figured if he was smart and any decent he would accept. He got a job, ironically he JUST quit yesterday because the owner wanted everyone to sign a Christian mission statement. Just told him yesterday night that he better find a new job within days because I did not forget the first round of crap that happened last year... Seems to me: with everything ya gain you lose something. Get a really intellectual guy, he's socially awkward. Get a very artsy guy, he's lazy. Get a very dominant guy, he's a jerk. Get a sensitive guy, he's a lump in bed... All we can do is try to find the one with the most necessary qualities and loves us enough to try and compensate for whatever lacks. The one you have isn't willing to compensate, but there are plenty of good guys who are, you can't find him if you are busy writing the former clown. haha with my luck my guy was once your guy (literally!!!). He does tour Wisconsin. Are you still with the guy or how do you know what just happened with his job? You seem to definitely have a great head on your shoulders and know what is up- well, besides your weakness for band boys like me!
Author soar101 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 oh and YES- most of our problems stemmed from his lack of even TRYING to get a job or support himself. It DID lower his masculinity in my eyes. But like a moron I kept loving him anyway. And look where it got me.
Author soar101 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 The relationship is dead...mourn and grieve over it, accept it and move on. Just tell yourself that you will be happy again and believe in it. Don't even look at old pics or messages because it will just drive you insane. At the same time, you need to start increasing your value. That includes fixing yourself up, taking care of your health and moving forward with work, career and non-relationship aspirations. Learn to let go of the relationship and be on your own for awhile, find yourself, your true identity and that alone will increase your self value not to mention "attractive quotient". Thank you. Its just all so confusing to me. I am feeling so sad.
geegirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Thank you. Its just all so confusing to me. I am feeling so sad. There is nothing confusing about this. He's pretty straightforward with what he wants. You're just not getting it because you're holding on to little pieces of supposed hope. I'm sure the man still cares for you so he still calls you by your pet name and he gave you the card because there is still an attachment. But a card, Sweetie and I love you, fails in comparison to the LOUD and CLEAR message he is sending you, which is, in his own words to stop contacting him and move on. Why are you focusing on those three little things when you should be focusing on his message to you? If anything, he is probably feeling empathy and being kind in his words to you. Nothing confusing about that. I've had a breakup just like this. Pet names were used, he wrote me a sweet letter eventhough he was a douche and told me he loved me. Then he went on his way. Don't make nothing into something. It's just words. At the end of the day, he wants you to let go. Hold on to that.
Author soar101 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 There is nothing confusing about this. He's pretty straightforward with what he wants. You're just not getting it because you're holding on to little pieces of supposed hope. I'm sure the man still cares for you so he still calls you by your pet name and he gave you the card because there is still an attachment. But a card, Sweetie and I love you, fails in comparison to the LOUD and CLEAR message he is sending you, which is, in his own words to stop contacting him and move on. Why are you focusing on those three little things when you should be focusing on his message to you? If anything, he is probably feeling empathy and being kind in his words to you. Nothing confusing about that. I've had a breakup just like this. Pet names were used, he wrote me a sweet letter eventhough he was a douche and told me he loved me. Then he went on his way. Don't make nothing into something. It's just words. At the end of the day, he wants you to let go. Hold on to that. harsh, but so true. You are right. I guess I hold on because we have already done this a few times. The "lets end this, I am leaving" thing. This isn't the first time. He has done it before and so have I.
geegirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 harsh, but so true. You are right. I guess I hold on because we have already done this a few times. The "lets end this, I am leaving" thing. This isn't the first time. He has done it before and so have I. What's the point in having a relationship when you both keep breaking up every few months? You really have to ask yourself what sort of unhealthy union you two have if you can't sustain a relationship for the long term. And what's the point in getting back together again when all you may possibly look forward to is another break-up. There is nothing healthy about your relationship. Just two people clinging.
Author soar101 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 What's the point in having a relationship when you both keep breaking up every few months? You really have to ask yourself what sort of unhealthy union you two have if you can't sustain a relationship for the long term. And what's the point in getting back together again when all you may possibly look forward to is another break-up. There is nothing healthy about your relationship. Just two people clinging. so true. But I guess you can also look at it that its two people with love for each other who can't communicate well enough to get it right.....or not willing to try enough.
geegirl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 so true. But I guess you can also look at it that its two people with love for each other who can't communicate well enough to get it right.....or not willing to try enough. Love is not enough. If the fundamentals aren't there, in terms of communication (important criteria in sustaining a relationship) and the inability to try to communicate, love or not, there still is no point in holding on because at the end of the day, the disconnect still remains and the relationship will never get fixed. If the love is strong and two people want to be together, they will do the work to help better their communication in hopes of fixing that faulty part of the relationship. If there is no effort in making changes, then there is your answer.
iouaname Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Out of curiosity, how many times have you broken up? And how long we're the two of you broken up each time?
Author soar101 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Love is not enough. If the fundamentals aren't there, in terms of communication (important criteria in sustaining a relationship) and the inability to try to communicate, love or not, there still is no point in holding on because at the end of the day, the disconnect still remains and the relationship will never get fixed. If the love is strong and two people want to be together, they will do the work to help better their communication in hopes of fixing that faulty part of the relationship. If there is no effort in making changes, then there is your answer. see I think the fundamentals ARE there. We are both just hot tempered and need to understand each other better. We both HAVE done a lot of work on it, but tension has been bad this past month and instead of talking through it, I have reacted bad. Example I explode at him because I am sad and want to hurt him back. He even said, "if you are sad, act sad. This isn't sad this is mad". I realize my blame in stuff.
Author soar101 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Out of curiosity, how many times have you broken up? And how long we're the two of you broken up each time? this is like the 3rd time and never over 3 days before one of us "comes back". I guess this time I am just scared because its happened 3 times already. Each time I fear I will never hear from him again.
LostOne1 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Have been having troubling times with my guy for a couple months now- mostly over his lifestyle (plays in a band, is lazy about getting a job, I have been supporting him). Past couple of days he said we should walk away and take time to "normal out". Granted I have said the same to him many times in the past. Yesterday was our first day of no speaking....well, besides me writing him asking him to please reconsider. He wrote me back today with the following: "Sweety, I told you there is no need to apologize. It got all screwed up and out of whack. It was a group effort. But I really have to ask you to stop writing and leave me be. I haven't been reading your emails. I won't be responding again so just do yourself a favor and move on. It's time to let it go. No more, ok? The sooner you stop writing the sooner you will feel better. Ok? Ok." to which I replied, So you feel there is no chance of us being even friends? I will have to respect your decision though it breaks my heart and I will never understood why you want to just abandon me. i hope you reconsider. I don't want you out of my life." and he replied, "you need to stop writing to me and you need to let it go. I'm so sorry that it came to this. I feel awful about it but it needs to end now. How many times did you tell me that the best thing for you would be for you to walk away? So please stop trying. Just let it go. You'll be much better off. So if you want to know what you can do... that's what I want from you. I want you to forget all about me and I want you to heal so that you can be happy. Ok? Thank you for caring so much about me but it's time to let go. Goodbye. I love you. No more emails." and with that said, he blocked me. I am falling to pieces. I just don't know what to do. I went through the SAME thing, but the roles were reversed. She did it to me and I did what you did. Trust me.. you will FEEL better when you move on. There is nothing you can get him back. My ex never came back to me and in fact got her siblings to get stuff from me or talk to me. She had totally removed me and I think it's partly because our ex's found someone else. So our value wasn't as high and by begging we made it worse. I am at almost 9 months now of the BU and it's a lot better. You will start to want to see other people and you will GROW as a person. Hang in there.. when I was at your spot I didn't think I'd live 1 day or even a week. I'm at 9 months now.. still alive. You can do it too. Let him go and start thinking about your own self now.
Recommended Posts