notusedtothis Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Well my recent breakup was confusing and long-winded. She sent an "unsure about this" test on Christmas, broke up with me on December 30 when she got back from going home over Christmas, and we made it "publicly official" on January 11th. First a little backstory and then a long description. I really want to be complete for the best advice. We are both 22 years old. (yes, I realize we're young and have our whole life ahead of us) We were together for 3 1/2 years from the beginning of sophomore year. We had a great relationship. One that became stronger and stronger as time progressed. We had our summer's apart and still remained very close. Towards graduation, one might say was the first red flag. She started getting anxious and her moodiness started coming in. I gave her space when she asked and comforted her when I knew was appropriate. She always appreciated how well I treated her and how I was one of the calming factors in her life. She had her flaws like everyone else. She was openly opinionated with a lot of things that sometimes didn't make her very friendly to be around. She wasn't very subtle and she wore her emotions on her sleeve. She realized that she was insecure and jealous but always owned up to them which is why i respected her so much because she really has come leaps and bounds from when we were first dating. During college if you were ever to ask me hypothetically if something were to happen would she or you break up, I would have said me. But that is only hypothetical but was just based on looking at our personalities. She was outwardly very strong and made a very very stong positive first impression with everyone. She wasn't shy and she was very sociable. That being said, she had a ton of acquaintances and normal friends but not really a "pour-your-soul-out" best friend while we dated. She never got along with her roommates all four years of college. She was always the girl that gets along with guys more-so than girls (yes, I know another red flag I guess I missed) However, she was very successful career-wise. She had awesome summer internships every summer and during school she was always involved with work and volunteerism and politically active during both presidential campaigns of 2008 and 2012. After graduation she got an awesome one-year internship. I also got an awesome three-month summer internship. I had an awesome time and we both were still happy together. I always talked about after the three month internship about moving to her city. She was very receptive to it and couldn't wait. We had always talked about when we graduated we would look at career choices logically and whoever had the better opportunity the other would follow and we would be open with talking it out if concerns arose. I saw that my internship was ending so we chose that I would move up with her. We moved in together in September and then things looked fine. At first we both were stressed. Living together was new for both of us and obviously there were a few problems. It would be weird of there weren't. We always looked at it as "this is a test run and might as well figure this out now than after marriage." She had some health problems involving stress and anxiety and even was put on a medication for a few weeks. I should have seen this as a sign she was trying and failing with living together. Well things got better around November. We were hitting our stride in jobs and we were communicating much better. I saw we both were feeling much happier even though the winter was causing some moping and being cooped up in the apartment a lot together. I knew that once the summer came we would be great because we both wanted to be able to leave the apartment more. Summer also meant that she was done with her internship and we would be looking for our next step together. The medical problems were gone and it appeared so was most of her anxiety. It was at this time that a job prospect of mine was heating up more and more. They had initially looked at me in May of senior year but it was taking them long to get the process going. In December, it heated up. They were looking at me and the process of hiring was back on. This is a dream job for me and one of the first that we both saw would really be great for my career. We both thought I got the job but nothing was confirmed yet. I had completed all the steps and now was the waiting game for the final call. She went home for Christmas and it was then I saw the change. She began actively looking for jobs in the new city where my job was going to be (a city that normally isn't known for the industry she's in, yet still huge enough to find something) She sent me a text saying that she was getting emails back from the places she applied to and they were actively saying that she wasn't qualified. This obviously was a setback but her job contract wasn't going to be over until July anyway so I thought we had time to look. Still hadn't received a call from my prospect, and they had also said there wasn't a definite time frame for a call anyway. On Christmas Day as I was flying back to go back to work the next day, she sent a text saying she was having a hard time during her 11-day Christmas break wondering what she wanted and who she was. She said she loved me so much and she hated to put me through the ringer but said she wasn't mentally ready to be anything more serious than we were and that she couldn't follow me. Nor did she expect me to follow her (which I already did). She wanted me to take this new job (I wasn't going to turn it down but I wanted her to want to come with me). All of her texts after the time she got turned down for possible jobs were very short and not her usual self. This coming from the girl who actively looked at wedding rings and talked very seriously about a future not three weeks before. We were always willing to wait. We understood there was a serious thought of marriage in both of our minds but we knew and talked about it that we were 22 and that was way too young for both of us. Well she came back here, I picked her up from the airport. Told her about the plans I had for us for New Years and just excited she was back with me. I had missed her so much and was really looking forward to our new year together (the text message from Christmas I had amounted to miscommunication and apprehension). She cuddled up to me the long car ride home and said I was being so perfect. She said she missed me so much over break. She broke up with me that night. She told me the same story as over Christmas and added that I made her so happy but she didn't make herself happy. She said I was the right guy just at the wrong time. She said If she had met me at 26 I would have been perfect. She owned up to the fact that she was being selfish and said that she just didn't want to have to take someone else's life into account when making her life decisions right now. We went to the New Years plans, I had spent my Christmas bonus on party tix and a hotel in the city because I knew we needed to get out more often and have more fun out. She wasn't having fun and didn't like her "friends" we went with. She asked if we could go back to the hotel and so we did at 11pm. We talked in the hotel room for a long time. We talked a lot the next two weeks about our limbo situation. I told her that she was jumping the gun and ending things way too early. I hadn't even been told I got the job yet. I knew it was only because I was possibly leaving that she was doing it right then. I would have understood more if she did it after I got the call but I can't stress enough how uncertain the call was. We were still intimate. She would initiate the "I Love yous" and I would say it back. She would miss me at work and we appeared the same. She was still happy but we were staying together for financial and rational reasons at this point. Also we had not made it public because we were still talking it out. Well on the 11th of January she brought up how we might go about telling people and I snapped. I told her to do what she wants! She made it social network official (essentially telling everyone at once). I asked her to move out two days later. She has her whole extended family up here and tons of friends from her internship. She was living with family before we moved in together in September so thats why she had a place to go and I didn't move out. We bought out of our lease and she gave me her share of the final two months rent and the buyout. She was very sure about it at this point. I was distant, quiet and accepting the final time face-to-face. She forwarded her mail and picked up her stuff within three days. She did leave a ton of her stuff and said that I could give it back to her when I moved out in two months (linens, furniture, stuff that I was using, also left her guitar because she knew how much I loved playing it). She also kept her keys. Very sure on one hand (quickly moving) and very unsure (leaving a lot of stuff) if you ask me. It was rough. I went NC for the first 6 days then realized that I may have been withholding my feelings and that was why she was so sure. I called and let her know. She was cold, and even got a little angry because she didn't want to talk about it anymore. Other than the coolness she seemed fine. I was distraught. How could she be fine! I calmed myself and told her I respected her for doing this for herself and I was proud of her for being strong. Just a side note: she had lost her Great-aunt during this NC. She wasn't close with her but the physical closeness to the actual person that died and the fact that her extended family was close to her Great-aunt made it worse on her. She told me she was generally "cried-out" and didn't want anyone else's advice. I got the job call the next day and accepted the position with a start date in two months. I finally got a little excitement in my life and some motivation. It was so short-lived. I had gotten my dream job that I had worked for since May and the one person I wanted to share this adventure with left me using it as a reason. The next weekend one of my best friends came up to visit me for the weekend. We had so much fun doing things every day. I was totally faking the fun because all I could think about was her. We were still Facebook friends and saw all the pictures she was posting of her weekend too (all really fun stuff that didn't make any sense, girls she said she didn't like, things she didn't like, but still really fun looking to me and stuff I would love doing) . It made me sick. I unfriended her that Sunday and sent a message telling her why, very neutral and business-like but still honest. Then the next weekend I packed up the rest of her stuff and told her I was dropping it off at her aunts house (where she was living). I told her that if she wasn't going to be there just leave the keys with someone. She sent a message saying she was out of town for the weekend so she couldn't get the keys to me yet. I didn't budge. I told her i was dropping it off and she had until this Friday to drop them off at the apartment office. She sent me a message saying "If you don't hate me and are willing then we can meet for dinner before Friday." I said "Thanks, but I don't think so. Just have the keys to the office by Friday." I dropped her stuff off while she was away for the weekend and actually was invited by her aunt to have dinner (really awkward request but she was insistent and I accepted) She made it clear that the family missed me and thought I was great. I didn't really talk about the ex the whole time but just had a nice dinner with people that missed my company and talked about my new job that I was taking Then last week on Wednesday she sent her keys with one of her friends back to the apartment office instead of bringing them herself. On Saturday I posted a picture of the blizzard we got and one of her guy friends from her summer internship a year ago (I swear he was into her the whole time we were dating) made a comment on it thinking it was her picture. He quickly rescinded his comment but I calmly called him out on it jokingly. He tried to play it cool but then he did say "She told me about the breakup, sounds super ****ty man. I liked you two together. I guess all i can say is good luck." All I heard was "I'm here for your ex and i'm the shoulder she cries on" (Even though he's half way across the country and won't be seeing her anytime soon) Well she then moved out of her aunts house and into her grandmother's house (I really don't think she can handle roommates of any kind besides her parents). I have also noticed most of her posts on social networks are of her surrounding herself with inspirational quotes about "finding yourself" and "go for your dreams". I also noticed a very saddening post on Pinterest from 2 weeks before graduation last year that said "If you aren't happy single then you won't be happy taken, happiness comes from within not from men". That post shook me to my core and made me realize I had been blind ever since then. I just can't get over the feelings she had for me since then. She wasn't indifferent, she was still very much in love with me and I with her. It didn't seem like she had been checked out that whole time and even quite the opposite. She gave me the false confidence that she really did want to make the next step with me and that is what made me really get excited to propose. My main questions for advice is should I take her at her word that she really is troubled with herself and needs to find her way without the help of a guy? Why did she break up so early? Was she just trying to save herself before the inevitable? Also, I know that I'm moving in less than a month and I really want to know that she is happy. I have my moments where I wish she was feeling the hurt at least a little bit as much as I am but in the end I want her to be happy with herself. I want her to be happy but miss me and hope that someday we might find each other again. I know it gets almost impossible since I am signing a three-year contract and she will undoubtedly move to the west coast in July. So my last question is, was she letting me down easy and really just fell out of love or did she become a martyr and honestly try to save me from herself even though she loved me? I love this woman and I know that I wouldn't take her back at least for a long time while she is growing and learn to be happy by herself. But geez, all the signs point to her really wishing that down the road when she's happy with herself she would love to find herself with another chance with me. But the fact that she only initiated contact once to ask me to dinner makes me feel hopeless. We both are kind of stubborn and I think her pride would stop her from contacting me especially since everyone close to both of us on both sides of this knows she left me and hurt me and that it wasn't mutual.
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