Should I leave my OW

[Realist3]

Yes my OW does express hurt and pain at being in the relationship on occasion.

 

But she also expresses great joy sometimes.

 

If I am being taken for a ride by her, then that is a relief for me actually. Do you understand what I am saying here? I am more concerned for her well being than my own because I think she has less tools to cope.

 

Of course, maybe I am being taken for a ride and she is actually playing a bit with me. That is a very relieving thought. The truth is somewhere in the middle I think.

 

But I still have trouble seeing why I should end it. She is benefiting. She gets financial support, emotional support, kindness, advice, dinner out with a handsome man and good sex every month. Oh yeah, did I forget to say that I am good with her dating other men and I am not angry or controlling or sexist in any way like many of the other men she has been with (including her father).

 

The advice I am getting from all of you is strongly against my instincts here and I am having trouble running with it.

 

Oh yes, I know this may very well piss some off, but this arrangement works for me too. I like having a mistress.

 

I know this may piss some off even more, but I actually feel like I have earned it. I have put in 30 years working my butt off to support the family, I am putting my children through college, I have been married once and I am still married and I consider myself a good man and I am a very very good father.. Really, hard to believe I just said that because I was a self righteous and moral young man at an earlier point in my life. Oh how far I have fallen....................

 

I have been very careful to keep this a secret because I want to protect my wife and children.

 

I am sorry but I am not convinced yet that I should be the one to end this. Are there any more voices out there who can weigh in? Actually I think I probably would be better served on a men's forum.

 

Why are you asking the question?

 

It works for the both of you, and you feel like you deserve it; so what is the problem?

 

You were looking for "atta boys"?

[gtoman4728]

Thanks Realist. A voice in the wilderness:)

 

I don't think anyone really understands what it is to be in my position with regards to what I deal with from my wife and I have chosen to be silent on that issue because it will just make me seem like I am whining and trying to justify my actions.

[2sure]

I was a mistress , several times. And I was motivated by several things.

I was lonely and had given up on relationships.

I was a different person then than I am now and I was meeting a lot of married guys -

And I decided what the hell. I would be OW as long as worked to advantage.

Over the course of this period I had all of my student loans paid off. I had a condo purchased for me. Mine. I was given 2 pretty nice sports cars.

Some cosmetic surgery, an amex that I nver saw a bill for, jewelry, vacatioons, and art.

 

Now Im not sharing this because I think its good. This actually was the darkest period of my life. But I did make out financially and that did help me make a future - there is no sense in ignoring that.

 

So - two things.

Helping her out almost every month as you put it - doesnt sound like you are providing anything much for her, especially since she also gets help from family. Grocery money , whatever - thats isnt taking care of someone, it does not a mistress make, honestly you sound like you think you are being generous. You sound cheap and cheezie as far as married men go.

 

More importantly, and to your question - even though my motives in being OW were totally self serving - Im monogamous by nature and I had true feelings for MM - so if I dated single men, I just couldnt form a relationship because I was not truly available.

 

So if you really think she should find a real relationship , you have to cut her loose.

[JamesM]

Why are you asking the question?

 

It works for the both of you, and you feel like you deserve it; so what is the problem?

 

You were looking for "atta boys"?

 

I agree with this. You came on here in forums that are guaranteed to give you opposing views to your actions. And yet you choose to ignore them looking for comments that affirm your actions.

 

If you read my past posts, then you will see that I understand WHY but cannot use that to say "it is okay."

 

Thanks Realist. A voice in the wilderness:)

 

I don't think anyone really understands what it is to be in my position with regards to what I deal with from my wife and I have chosen to be silent on that issue because it will just make me seem like I am whining and trying to justify my actions.

 

Do you want me to reveal all that I have put up with in the past ten years? A wife that takes to the bed on a whim because of pain or depression? A wife that had zero interest in sex and stated that we should have separate beds? Do you want to hear about my wife who has been on as many as seven or eight meds since she was 40? Do you want to know how my wife will sleep in bed for the weekend and let me handle everything in the house without so much as a thank you when she finally gets up? Do you want to hear how my wife developed the idea that she was allergic to my sperm? Seriously. Or how she gains weight and does exactly the opposite of what is healthy for her and her pain?

 

I have even questioned if MY wife is bipolar. She can be depressed for days and suddenly she is full of energy and happy. She has periods of major ups and then she is down.

 

And that is the tip of the iceberg. But I love her dearly. I could also relate her many, many qualities and her passion and her impishness and her compassion and understanding and on and on...

 

 

I could also relate about a friend who just recently lost his wife to cancer. She has been sick with cancer for the last few years. Sex? He was simply thankful to have her alive. Now that she is dead, I highly doubt that he would sympathize with you. And no, she wasn't an easy woman to live with always, but he loved her and would enjoy having her back.

 

Your wife can work a full time job. You mention in your other thread how your wife has given her all to the marriage. You mention how you two have a great marriage except no sex.

 

I am a little younger than you but have been married as long as you...with a couple of more kids and a wife who is far from easy to live with at times. You chose to get a mistress. I chose to fix my marital relationship despite her illnesses. You chose to escape. I chose to confront.

 

How does that make me not understanding of your situation?

 

Should you leave your OW? Absolutely. You should sit back and reexamine your marriage and your responsibility to your wife and family. This is not about being giving up enjoyment for you. It is about having enjoyment within the commitment you made to your wife.

 

I know you disagree with me and don't want to respond, but really, I think I am one of the few men on here who have walked in shoes very similar to you and in a marriage which is almost as old as your with a family that is bigger than yours.

 

Leave your OW and love your wife.

[eleanorrigby]

Thanks Realist. A voice in the wilderness:)

 

I don't think anyone really understands what it is to be in my position with regards to what I deal with from my wife and I have chosen to be silent on that issue because it will just make me seem like I am whining and trying to justify my actions.

 

You are not being silent on the issue, you have hinted at least 4 times that your wife is nuts and you have been grinning and bearing it for many years and now "it's Miller Time" for you.

[awkward]

I think you might be like SucksBeingtheOW's MM. And if you are, then yes you should end the affair.

Edited February 21, 2013 by awkward

[Catplates]

Thanks Realist. A voice in the wilderness:)

 

I don't think anyone really understands what it is to be in my position with regards to what I deal with from my wife and I have chosen to be silent on that issue because it will just make me seem like I am whining and trying to justify my actions.

 

Well you did say you thought you had earned you right to a secret life by working hard for you family all those years... is that no seeking some justification?

 

Respectfully ,

 

Cat

[Catplates]

I do understand you predicament. My late husband was ill for 7 years and did not even know me or what sex was.

 

You need to seek correct medical diagnosis and treatment for your wife. It seems like she is going through a tough time also.

 

I let my isolation and being primary carer for my husband go on for too long.

 

Finally, instead of asking for help from the right avenues, I attempted to survive by having an affair.

 

It's only a big bandaid . Dealing with the problem and getting assistance and looking for a long term solution is a better avenue to choose.

 

Best wishes and apologies for my former post which has been removed.

 

Cat

[SucksBeingtheOW]

What I don't get about this, is exactly why you are encouraging her to find a new boyfriend? So that she won't have to depend on you any more? Or because you truly love her and want her to be happy and know you CAN'T do that for her? It sounds like this from an outside perspective: You're married....seeing someone way younger on the side, paying her for it, she sees you once a month and tells you she loves you, you want her to get a real boyfriend*?* She tries a bunch of times but they all last 2 or 3 months and she comes back to you....Do you still support her while shes in these "serious relationships?"

[SucksBeingtheOW]

I think you might be like SucksBeingtheOW's MM. And if you are, then yes you should end the affair.

 

When I read the title of this thread for a tiny split second thought "OH MY GOD he somehow found this site, saw what I wrote, knew it was me and made a thread....." lol.. But I feel sad that at this point I couldn't just get up and find a new "serious" boyfriend..

[ComingInHot]

goatman;

You have "earned it"? Earned cheating on your Wife & family? Earned doling out even more "hard-earned" cash for a younger side piece?

 

Okay. You are are right. You have earned it. All of it. And I personally hole you get ALL of it from Everyone when this A comes out!

 

I hope you are are strong enough to take what may be coming your way*...;

[2sunny]

I guess what I am asking here is my relationship with my OW a net benefit or a net negative by staying with her. If you could explain yourself that would be great. According to her I have helped her a lot to stay in school and stay on track to graduate from college. Is she lying to me about this?

 

Gals will (obviously) say and do anything as long as you pay her way.

 

Seriously though, college and helping her get on her feet? No way! You pay to have available sex when you want it...that's ultimately hat you're paying for - so stop lying to yourself bout what you're paying for.

 

In the real world it's called prostitution - you two have just "dressed it up".

 

Stop paying her at all = then see how long she hangs around.

 

She's sold herself to the devil = that's why you should end it = you're not helping her feel good about herself!

[KathyM]

I am sorry KathyM but I do not think I am not ruining any women's life. I think women are more than capable of deciding on their own what is good for them (just like a man) and they are free to do what they want and go where they want.

But your wife is being deceived, and the information about her life and her marriage is being purposely denied her. She is being tricked and manipulated into staying in a marriage that is a sham. You don't think that's ruining her life? It's denying her the reality about her own life. It's denying her the right to make her own choice about how she wants to spend her life. That IS ruining her life. As far as the OW, you don't think making her into a kept woman is ruining her life? That's debateable. I think it is. You're an unavailable man who is messing with her emotions and basically turning her into a prostitude. You don't think she'll live to regret that?

[2sunny]

Some day - when this gal has older kids and they ask how she put herself through school - she will lie and cover up instead of stating her truth... I slept with this old dude who paid me to have sex so that I could pay my tuition. Nice fairy tale story? I think not.

[JamesM]

Some day - when this gal has older kids and they ask how she put herself through school - she will lie and cover up instead of stating her truth... I slept with this old dude who paid me to have sex so that I could pay my tuition. Nice fairy tale story? I think not.

 

Per gtoman, the OW is already 37. I suspect she won't be having any kids unless it is really soon.

[SoleMate]

I am sorry KathyM but I do not think I am not ruining any women's life. I think women are more than capable of deciding on their own what is good for them (just like a man) and they are free to do what they want and go where they want.

That might be a convincing argument if you made sure each woman had the full facts about your actions and intentions.

 

You're really in the fog if you think that your A is not hurting your wife. She can't make meaningful decisions until she knows the truth about your cheating (and whatever else you've been concealing from her).

[Eponine]

I don't think you should leave her unless you want to leave her. If the relationship has run it's course for you, then you should be honest so she can move on.

 

Don't do it 'for her' unless you talk to her about that first.

[JamesM]

That might be a convincing argument if you made sure each woman had the full facts about your actions and intentions.

 

You're really in the fog if you think that your A is not hurting your wife. She can't make meaningful decisions until she knows the truth about your cheating (and whatever else you've been concealing from her).

 

I think this is what lies at the heart of the issue.

 

You have decided for your wife what you think she would like. She has decided her future based on what she knows. You and I both know that her decisions to stay or go would be different if she knew what you are doing.

 

You say you are keeping it a secret to protect her. I say no way. You are doing it so that you can keep her despite your comments of how you don't care if she leaves. You have convinced yourself that you are keeping the secret to protect her from pain, when in reality, it appears that you are keeping the secret to protect yourself from pain. You are keeping a secret from your children so that they are not hurt. I would say that it appears that you are keeping this affair from them to keep their respect.

 

Should you leave her for your family's sake? Absolutely. If the children see their parents happily married and loving one another, then it sets an example for them.

 

Should you leave her for your OW's sake? Probably but truthfully, not as absolutely. She is aware of your marriage and she knows what she gets. She knows you won't leave your marriage despite her possible inward hope.

 

Should you leave for your wife? Yes. She never asked for her bipolar disorder. She never asked for the emotional ups and downs. She never asked to be in a marriage with someone who would cheat on her. Fact is..she is probably unaware that you are anything but a dutiful and faithful husband.

 

Should you leave for yourself? Yes. It will take a burden off of you that you may not even realize is there. It will give you some relief from the stress of a secret life. You will be less worried that your secret will be discovered. You will gain some respect for yourself. All you will lose is the sex.

 

I understand why you are with her. I know what void she fills. I might have made the same choice myself. I just think that she is more of a marital bandaid than a magic pill.

[Ellin]

Per gtoman, the OW is already 37. I suspect she won't be having any kids unless it is really soon.

Well observed James.

 

Gtoman - does your OW have any children? I not, does she want children?

I'm just wondering if she wants a full-time R and family because if she does, you might be holding her back?

[wisernow]

A gal I work with had her first child at 44. It could happen.

 

I had my second child at 43, so yes, it is possible.

[JamesM]

A gal I work with had her first child at 44. It could happen.

 

I had my second child at 43, so yes, it is possible.

 

And I know women who have had children in their 40s. I don't argue that she won't. I simply say that statistically she either will have one within a year or two or she probably isn't thinking of having children.

 

The point I really was trying to make is that she isn't a young girl in her 20s.

[2sunny]

And I know women who have had children in their 40s. I don't argue that she won't. I simply say that statistically she either will have one within a year or two or she probably isn't thinking of having children.

 

The point I really was trying to make is that she isn't a young girl in her 20s.

 

So - a gal prostituting herself in her late 30's is better and makes it more palatable than a gal in her 20's?

 

I don't think one is any better than the other JamesM

[Ellin]

So - a gal prostituting herself in her late 30's is better and makes it more palatable than a gal in her 20's?

 

I don't think one is any better than the other JamesM

Sorry but I'm at loss - what has this post got to do with James's observation that if this gal is to have children she needs to have them soon???

[JamesM]

So - a gal prostituting herself in her late 30's is better and makes it more palatable than a gal in her 20's?

 

I don't think one is any better than the other JamesM

 

The point was about children...in response to someone else's comment.

 

[quoteOriginally Posted by 2sunny

Some day - when this gal has older kids and they ask how she put herself through school - she will lie and cover up instead of stating her truth... I slept with this old dude who paid me to have sex so that I could pay my tuition. Nice fairy tale story? I think not.]

 

Sorry but I'm at loss - what has this post got to do with James's observation that if this gal is to have children she needs to have them soon???

 

I am at loss, too.

[Snowflower]

I agree with this. You came on here in forums that are guaranteed to give you opposing views to your actions. And yet you choose to ignore them looking for comments that affirm your actions.

 

If you read my past posts, then you will see that I understand WHY but cannot use that to say "it is okay."

 

 

 

Do you want me to reveal all that I have put up with in the past ten years? A wife that takes to the bed on a whim because of pain or depression? A wife that had zero interest in sex and stated that we should have separate beds? Do you want to hear about my wife who has been on as many as seven or eight meds since she was 40? Do you want to know how my wife will sleep in bed for the weekend and let me handle everything in the house without so much as a thank you when she finally gets up? Do you want to hear how my wife developed the idea that she was allergic to my sperm? Seriously. Or how she gains weight and does exactly the opposite of what is healthy for her and her pain?

 

I have even questioned if MY wife is bipolar. She can be depressed for days and suddenly she is full of energy and happy. She has periods of major ups and then she is down.

 

And that is the tip of the iceberg. But I love her dearly. I could also relate her many, many qualities and her passion and her impishness and her compassion and understanding and on and on...

 

 

I could also relate about a friend who just recently lost his wife to cancer. She has been sick with cancer for the last few years. Sex? He was simply thankful to have her alive. Now that she is dead, I highly doubt that he would sympathize with you. And no, she wasn't an easy woman to live with always, but he loved her and would enjoy having her back.

 

Your wife can work a full time job. You mention in your other thread how your wife has given her all to the marriage. You mention how you two have a great marriage except no sex.

 

I am a little younger than you but have been married as long as you...with a couple of more kids and a wife who is far from easy to live with at times. You chose to get a mistress. I chose to fix my marital relationship despite her illnesses. You chose to escape. I chose to confront.

 

How does that make me not understanding of your situation?

 

Should you leave your OW? Absolutely. You should sit back and reexamine your marriage and your responsibility to your wife and family. This is not about being giving up enjoyment for you. It is about having enjoyment within the commitment you made to your wife.

 

I know you disagree with me and don't want to respond, but really, I think I am one of the few men on here who have walked in shoes very similar to you and in a marriage which is almost as old as your with a family that is bigger than yours.

 

Leave your OW and love your wife.

 

Wow, JamesM. This was a really powerful post. So brutally honest.

 

I agree with the poster who said the OP on this thread has left the building but perhaps your words are not for nothing.

 

Your situation is a common one.

 

There are a lot of lurkers here and other members reading even if they aren't posting right now. My hope is that your frank honesty here will make another about-to-be-WS stop and reassess the decisions they are about to make.

 

Thank you for what you wrote. You are a good man, James. I wish my H had been as strong. Your wife is so lucky to have you.

Edited February 25, 2013 by Snowflower