Should I leave my OW

[gtoman4728]

I have been married 23 years. 2 1/2 years ago I met a beautiful and sexy woman who was 18 years my junior. We started an affair (my first) and it continues to this day. I see her about once a month and we have a lot of fun together as friends and lovers.

 

She has always been down on her luck so I have been helping her financially pretty much every month. I also got her to start going back to college and she is still attending. I have been very loving and supportive and helpful and encouraging. She is a fine person but not very well equipped to go out and make a go of it on her own so she also relies on some help from her family.

 

When we first started going out i figured that since she is very attractive and i was helping her get on her feet that she would soon find a boyfriend and that would be the end of me. I knew that if this happened it would be hard for me because I loved her but neverthless I encouraged her to find a boyfriend, someone who could give her the love and attention she truly deserved.

 

At first this seemed to be working as she did get in a serious relationship. But this relationship only lasted a few months. Since then she has been in 3 more serious relationships and they have all ended in 4 months or less. About a year ago she told me she loves me and she continues to say that. She just ended her fourth relationship. I love her too but I do not plan on leaving my wife and marrying her.

 

I would like to know if i should break up with her. I want to do the best thing for her and I know our relationship is very hard for her. But I also know that I contribute many positive things to her life not to mention the financial support. It seems presumptuous and arrogant of me to just cut her off when she really relies on me for a lot of things.

 

I am particularly interested in hearing for other women who have been in a similar situation.

 

Thanks!

[ThatJustHappened]

I have been married 23 years. 2 1/2 years ago I met a beautiful and sexy woman who was 18 years my junior. We started an affair (my first) and it continues to this day. I see her about once a month and we have a lot of fun together as friends and lovers.

 

She has always been down on her luck so I have been helping her financially pretty much every month. I also got her to start going back to college and she is still attending. I have been very loving and supportive and helpful and encouraging. She is a fine person but not very well equipped to go out and make a go of it on her own so she also relies on some help from her family.

 

When we first started going out i figured that since she is very attractive and i was helping her get on her feet that she would soon find a boyfriend and that would be the end of me. I knew that if this happened it would be hard for me because I loved her but neverthless I encouraged her to find a boyfriend, someone who could give her the love and attention she truly deserved.

 

At first this seemed to be working as she did get in a serious relationship. But this relationship only lasted a few months. Since then she has been in 3 more serious relationships and they have all ended in 4 months or less. About a year ago she told me she loves me and she continues to say that. She just ended her fourth relationship. I love her too but I do not plan on leaving my wife and marrying her.

 

I would like to know if i should break up with her. I want to do the best thing for her and I know our relationship is very hard for her. But I also know that I contribute many positive things to her life not to mention the financial support. It seems presumptuous and arrogant of me to just cut her off when she really relies on me for a lot of things.

 

I am particularly interested in hearing for other women who have been in a similar situation.

 

Thanks!

 

You are not doing this girl any favors by keeping her as your pet. If she can't take care of herself, she needs help that you cannot provide. You should definitely break up with her, and you should stop cheating on your wife.

[gtoman4728]

I guess what I am asking here is my relationship with my OW a net benefit or a net negative by staying with her. If you could explain yourself that would be great. According to her I have helped her a lot to stay in school and stay on track to graduate from college. Is she lying to me about this?

[Sarabi]

The other posters are right...I also think you should end it.

If you are asking...I think you have a feeling it is what you want to do anyway..?

[Sarabi]

I would like to know if i should break up with her. I want to do the best thing for her and I know our relationship is very hard for her. But I also know that I contribute many positive things to her life not to mention the financial support. It seems presumptuous and arrogant of me to just cut her off when she really relies on me for a lot of things.

 

This bit is not very good...why is she so reliant on you for things? I kind of wonder if Sweetie Pie is right...are you sure you are not being used? I really hope you are not being taken for a ride.

And all this stuff about how she is studying and not equipped to go out and make a go of it on her own...why? I spent time studying away from home. Travelling away from home and currently live and work(albeit in a rubbish, non-graduate level job) away from my hometown. I guess I had a cruel mother who never gave me heaps of extra money to support me throughout university ...but surely this is the time for her to learn how to take control of your own life. Not that she shouldn't get support but...I don't think you should be the one to do it to a point where she is heavily reliant on you.

Sorry to be harsh sounding but I am probably around her age or maybe a little older...do you want her clinging to you like a limpet and sapping your money forever???

Money that you could be using for your wife by the way...

At the end of the day its up to you though

[Sarabi]

I guess what I am asking here is my relationship with my OW a net benefit or a net negative by staying with her. If you could explain yourself that would be great. According to her I have helped her a lot to stay in school and stay on track to graduate from college. Is she lying to me about this?

 

I hope she's not lying ...when is she graduating?

If you keep giving her money...and by the way does anyone else know where she is getting this money and where it goes? If you are helping her stay in school do you pay the fees (or whatever else-books, materials etc.) directly or you just give her the cash and let her do as she pleases?

 

...surely the negatives are:

cheating on your wife

her clinging to you longer and becoming more dependent/reliant on you

harder to break away as you get used to your arrangement

and obviously a negative bank balance

 

Just my thoughts...

[MissBee]

This sounds like a sugar daddy relationship to me.

 

You are not doing her any favors by sponsoring her life because she can't do things on her own.

 

Have you ever heard the saying: "If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day but if you teach him how to fish he will eat for a lifetime?

 

You are creating a dependency on you as her personal bank. I don't really think you all love each other. Not sure where the loving aspect is.

 

I think you should stop supporting her and break up with her. She will get over it...or if not, she will find some new sugar daddy. But hopefully she will learn to stand on her own and find a real relationship without you in the wings.

[awkward]

Does OW express hurt and pain in being in a relationship with you?

 

How did you and OW meet?

[gtoman4728]

Yes my OW does express hurt and pain at being in the relationship on occasion.

 

But she also expresses great joy sometimes.

 

If I am being taken for a ride by her, then that is a relief for me actually. Do you understand what I am saying here? I am more concerned for her well being than my own because I think she has less tools to cope.

 

Of course, maybe I am being taken for a ride and she is actually playing a bit with me. That is a very relieving thought. The truth is somewhere in the middle I think.

 

But I still have trouble seeing why I should end it. She is benefiting. She gets financial support, emotional support, kindness, advice, dinner out with a handsome man and good sex every month. Oh yeah, did I forget to say that I am good with her dating other men and I am not angry or controlling or sexist in any way like many of the other men she has been with (including her father).

 

The advice I am getting from all of you is strongly against my instincts here and I am having trouble running with it.

 

Oh yes, I know this may very well piss some off, but this arrangement works for me too. I like having a mistress.

 

I know this may piss some off even more, but I actually feel like I have earned it. I have put in 30 years working my butt off to support the family, I am putting my children through college, I have been married once and I am still married and I consider myself a good man and I am a very very good father.. Really, hard to believe I just said that because I was a self righteous and moral young man at an earlier point in my life. Oh how far I have fallen....................

 

I have been very careful to keep this a secret because I want to protect my wife and children.

 

I am sorry but I am not convinced yet that I should be the one to end this. Are there any more voices out there who can weigh in? Actually I think I probably would be better served on a men's forum.

[2sunny]

I'll weigh in.

 

End it. For so many reasons - but you seem focused on the OW's best interest - so...

 

You PAY HER to stick around - don't you realize she's prostituting herself for you - what gal would feel good about that?

 

She's not likely to find a real life lover/partner as long as you're her safety net and loaded wallet.

 

Get it?

[Spark1111]

Wow.... A college education for a once a month tryst? Not too shabby. Why not END her gravy train and see if the next boyfriend lasts longer than three months.

 

I bet it does.

[awkward]

How did you and OW meet? What were the circumstances of how you got together initially?

[KathyM]

Of course you should leave your OW. As long as you are with her, she will not have the motivation to find someone else, and she will continue to use you both financially and for attention, and she will stay stuck in a dependent childlike status where her "daddy" is taking care of her. It's also unfair to your wife, who is being held hostage in a fake marriage against her will. You are ruining both of these women's lives, yet you think you are doing them some big favor by stringing them both along. If you care about your wife at all, you will confess this to her and give her her life back. No one should have the precious years of their life being spent in a fake marriage against their will. It's time to give your wife her choices over her life that belong to her. If you care about your wife at all, you will confess this to her.

[gtoman4728]

I am sorry KathyM but I do not think I am not ruining any women's life. I think women are more than capable of deciding on their own what is good for them (just like a man) and they are free to do what they want and go where they want.

[gtoman4728]

I am not actually creepy. I can see how you might be able to look at me that way, but I am just not creepy. That is not who I am.

[gtoman4728]

I don't actually think my OWs problem finding a boyfriend was related to the money I have been paying her.

[cocorico]

I have been married 23 years. 2 1/2 years ago I met a beautiful and sexy woman who was 18 years my junior. We started an affair (my first) and it continues to this day. I see her about once a month and we have a lot of fun together as friends and lovers.

 

She has always been down on her luck so I have been helping her financially pretty much every month. I also got her to start going back to college and she is still attending. I have been very loving and supportive and helpful and encouraging. She is a fine person but not very well equipped to go out and make a go of it on her own so she also relies on some help from her family.

 

When we first started going out i figured that since she is very attractive and i was helping her get on her feet that she would soon find a boyfriend and that would be the end of me. I knew that if this happened it would be hard for me because I loved her but neverthless I encouraged her to find a boyfriend, someone who could give her the love and attention she truly deserved.

 

At first this seemed to be working as she did get in a serious relationship. But this relationship only lasted a few months. Since then she has been in 3 more serious relationships and they have all ended in 4 months or less. About a year ago she told me she loves me and she continues to say that. She just ended her fourth relationship. I love her too but I do not plan on leaving my wife and marrying her.

 

I would like to know if i should break up with her. I want to do the best thing for her and I know our relationship is very hard for her. But I also know that I contribute many positive things to her life not to mention the financial support. It seems presumptuous and arrogant of me to just cut her off when she really relies on me for a lot of things.

 

I am particularly interested in hearing for other women who have been in a similar situation.

 

Thanks!

 

She's expressed pain, she's expressed joy. Fair enough. You give her stuff, she gives you stuff ( affirmation, sex, etc.)

 

She is perfectly capable of breaking up with you of she wants to move on, or feels the cons outweigh the pros, or feels used, or whatever.

 

You are perfectly free to break up with her of the situation no longer suits you.

 

What you have no right to do (but may do so anyway) is to assume you know better than her what is good for her, what she wants, or what would benefit her most in the long run - particularly of you glean this information from supposition rather than from expressly asking her. In the same way that some BS here are calling you out for presuming to make decisions about your BW without her input, I am calling you out for doing the same to your OW.

 

If you want to break up with her, go ahead and do it - but have the balls to admit you are doing it for yourself. Do not hide behind notions that you are doing it "for her benefit" because, frankly, you don't get to make that call. She does. If you want to know if the two of you should break up for her benefit, *ask her*. She is the only one who can decide that.

[thomasb]

Have you ever thought about how your family is going to feel when they find this out? And they will. End it and come clean. Trust me, it is nice to feel good about yourself again once you confess.

Edited February 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cocorico]

OP, I'm curious - your first thread on Infidelity, and now this one, suggest you have an underlying sense of some discomfort with your whole situation. If you were perfectly happy, you'd simply be going about it without a second thought, instead of seeking some vague, I'll-determined input from a bunch of (sometimes rabid) strangers.

 

What do *you* feel uneasy about in your A? Is it really the well-being of the OW? Or is it something else?

[William]

Though the thread starter has requested responses from women who have been in similar situations to his mistress, all civil and respectful responses are welcomed, as long as they address the topic, which is 'Should I leave my OW'. Thanks. This thread has been edited.

[In A Tizzy]

I believe that you know what you need to do; you just don't want to. Viewing some of the reply's to you; some have suggested that you confess to your wife. I don't think you should. It might make you feel better getting this off your chest; but you would hurt her and others needlessly... especially if you plan on staying in this marriage faithfully. I had an affair and confessed to my husband, even though I hadn't planned on on leaving him. My H asked me, "Why did you tell me this if you ended things with the OM?" He was angry with me for confessing to something to make myself feel better, and hurting him in the process. My H told me that he would only want to know about the affair if I had decided to leave the marriage. Just my opinion.

[RainDown]

I would like to know if i should break up with her. [...] It seems presumptuous and arrogant of me to just cut her off when she really relies on me for a lot of things.

 

I don't have an opinion about whether or not your should break it off with your OW. It's completely your choice either way really and it is neither presumptuous nor arrogant for you to decide to break up with her or not.

 

What is presumptuous and arrogant, however, is that you appear to have designated yourself the decision maker for both your OW and your wife. Both your wife and your OW are adults, I presume. It isn't your place to make decisions for either of them.

 

Your only responsibility it to present each of them information about your actions, feelings and intentions so that they may make decisions for themselves, and then respect those decisions. Nothing more.

[BrokenPrincess]

I am not actually creepy. I can see how you might be able to look at me that way, but I am just not creepy. That is not who I am.

 

Why is this my favorite post? LOL I love the Internet.

 

OP, yes you should break it off and use that money to find yourself a healthier recreational activity. If you want to feel more fulfilled through helping others, maybe you could find a volunteer program with something you're interested or experienced in?

Edited February 21, 2013 by BrokenPrincess

[gtoman4728]

I have not really shared my side of the story and how I feel in my marriage and how I am treated by my wife. I think if I did more of you would understand how I got to where I am. You might not condone it but you would understand it. And I am not going to share it. My wife has been a loving mother and has done her best to be a partner to me for a very long time and I will leave it at that.

 

I do not think that I hold all the cards in either of my relationships. I believe that women also have responsibility for and are certainly capable of fixing something that is broken. So in a sense I am a coward. Whoever made that accusation was accurate. I have always avoided conflict.

 

Do I objectify women? I don't think so but when you are treated in a certain way my someone you have loved and cared for for a very long time, one does start to develop a need to hold women more at arms length in general. I think in some ways this is a healthy response to abuse although I would hope it never achieves "objectification" by me.

 

I thank those of you that have replied to my original question which is whether or not I should break up with my OW and why. I still see a lot of tension between the idea that it is my responsibility and the idea that she should do it. It would be much better for her if she took the action and not me.

[JamesM]

I have been married 23 years. 2 1/2 years ago I met a beautiful and sexy woman who was 18 years my junior.

 

She is a fine person but not very well equipped to go out and make a go of it on her own so she also relies on some help from her family.

 

I love her too but I do not plan on leaving my wife and marrying her.

 

I would like to know if i should break up with her.

 

It seems presumptuous and arrogant of me to just cut her off when she really relies on me for a lot of things.

 

I am particularly interested in hearing for other women who have been in a similar situation.

 

Thanks!

 

As a guy, you already know my opinion from your other thread. Let me point something out:

 

You mentioned in the other thread that she is 37. You met her about three years ago. So for 34 years, she survived without you. Can she survive without you again? Yes. Does she rely on you? Probably. Did she rely on someone else prior to you? Quite possibly. Will she seek out someone else after you have left her (if you do)? Yes.

 

Perhaps this is a pattern for her.

 

BTW, a 37 year old going to college?

 

If I am being taken for a ride by her, then that is a relief for me actually. Do you understand what I am saying here? I am more concerned for her well being than my own because I think she has less tools to cope.

 

Do you have respect for her?

 

Of course, maybe I am being taken for a ride and she is actually playing a bit with me. That is a very relieving thought. The truth is somewhere in the middle I think.

 

I am guessing that you are not the first that she has taken for a ride.

 

But I still have trouble seeing why I should end it. She is benefiting. She gets financial support, emotional support, kindness, advice, dinner out with a handsome man and good sex every month. Oh yeah, did I forget to say that I am good with her dating other men and I am not angry or controlling or sexist in any way like many of the other men she has been with (including her father).

 

You are her white knight. You have rescued her. Will the damsel survive without you?

 

Yes.

 

The advice I am getting from all of you is strongly against my instincts here and I am having trouble running with it.

 

Do you want to stay with her for her or for you?

 

Oh yes, I know this may very well piss some off, but this arrangement works for me too. I like having a mistress.

 

And therein lies the answer.

 

I know this may piss some off even more, but I actually feel like I have earned it.

 

Why do you feel like you have earned a mistress? I wonder if your wife would agree.

 

 

I have put in 30 years working my butt off to support the family, I am putting my children through college, I have been married once and I am still married and I consider myself a good man and I am a very very good father...

 

...and now you figure it is time for you to break your commitments and marriage vow. Now is the time to enjoy life and quit considering that you have a wife and kids.

 

 

I have been very careful to keep this a secret because I want to protect my wife and children.

 

Really? What do you want to protect your wife from? Your children? Perhaps you want to protect yourself from losing their respect?

 

I am sorry but I am not convinced yet that I should be the one to end this. Are there any more voices out there who can weigh in? Actually I think I probably would be better served on a men's forum.

 

As a guy, I think you should consider that you do have a marriage vow to honor. You do need to recognize that you are a role model to your children.

 

As a guy, I am offended that you assume men will be more understanding of another man who chooses to have a mistress. I do agree that there are other forums where men discuss their mistress and the "hobby" of prostitution. They would affirm your choices more readily as they have made the same choices. It doesn't mean that they have made good choices for their marriages, family or their lives.

 

A mistress and a secret life WOULD be fun and exciting. I agree. I do question if it is the responsible thing for a 55 year old man to be doing when he has a wife and children who love and respect him. You have mentioned in your other thread about your wife's bipolar illness, but you also mention how she would be able to support herself without you. If you told her that you feel you deserve a mistress, don't you think she would be fine on her own? You could then pursue your own life without too many responsibilities and commitments. You could have two mistresses.

 

I doubt I can convince you because you love your secret life too much. However, I think it is necessary that you see another viewpoint from a guy who understands why you do what you do and yet sees that your choice is not an honorable one.

Edited February 21, 2013 by JamesM