Is this the end? Not sure if I want to save my marriage.

[HopelessWanderer]

I will try to word this as eloquently (and briefly) as I can, but I am in a very emotional state so I apologize if I ramble.

 

My husband (“Jack”) and I are both 24 years old and we have been married for a year and a half. We have been together since we were 17, engaged at 22 and married at 23. We started dating the summer before I left for college. I grew up in a very small town and was very sheltered and isolated. I got a scholarship to the school of my dreams and moving away should have been a huge opportunity for me. However, Jack and I became wildly infatuated with one another and he became my number 1 priority when I should have been focusing on school and my own future.

 

There were a few issues in the very beginning with Jack. He was insanely jealous of my ex-boyfriend of a little more than a year. I lost my virginity to the ex and Jack truly made me feel like worthless trash because of this. He made me delete the ex from MySpace (which was popular then) and wanted me to never speak to him again. My ex was my best friend for a long time and I did not regret anything until Jack came along and made me question my values.

 

Another problem was the fact that Jack didn’t like me going out with my girlfriends without him. He wouldn’t tell me that I couldn’t go, but he just didn’t understand why I didn’t want him to go too. He would become so hurt that I didn’t want to spend my time with him instead or invite him along. It was always such a production to get away and my friends didn’t want him tagging along all the time, so I eventually lost every one of my close friends. I have not had a friend now since I was 18.

 

I was away at college for less than a month before Jack showed up unexpectedly one day and told me that he had moved out of his parents’ house. He moved into an apartment nearby and I eventually began staying at his place every night instead of my dorm room, and found myself completely moved in with him within a few months. I didn’t see it then but this was detrimental to my growth as an adult and as an individual. I became completely dependent on him both financially and emotionally. He wanted to “take care of” me, so I didn’t work…I just went straight to class and went straight back to his apartment, every day. I spent all of my time with only him and never got involved in any activities on campus. I had dreamed for years of studying abroad but when the opportunity finally arose Jack, of course, did not want me to…so I didn’t. I had ALWAYS thought that I would like to join the Peace Corps after college but since it requires being away for 2 years, naturally he would not even consider the idea. I was never able to go home and visit my family alone, he always wanted to go with me. All of this drove me insane but he was such a good guy and so kind I guess I felt “wrong” for being annoyed by him.

 

I don’t want to harp on his “bad” qualities because I’m sure I have plenty of those myself, but I do want to explain why I felt so controlled by him. I have never been able to spend a dime without asking for his permission throughout our entire relationship. If I were to buy lunch somewhere I would get such a lecture about how it was a waste of money or unhealthy and it would make me feel so stupid and small. Buying clothes or something for myself is just…unheard of. I wouldn’t even consider doing it without asking him first. In fact, I have gone shopping (for ANYTHING, even groceries) without him only a handful of times in our entire 7+ years together. He lectures me on the “correct” way to do everything…I feel like EVERYTHING I do is wrong if I don’t consult him first…be it picking out curtains, choosing where to hang a picture in the house, picking the “best” driving route somewhere, or choosing a haircut for myself.

 

The years passed and my family grew to adore him (possibly more than they like me), and when he proposed it was no surprise to anyone because that was the next step that was expected of us. It was then that I began to feel trapped. Honestly, I had felt trapped before but never seriously considered leaving, but with marriage looming ahead I began to get very scared. It was around this time that something terrible began to happen…I found myself in what I now recognize as an emotional affair. A few weeks before I became engaged, my ex (that I mentioned before) contacted me on Facebook. We would chat every now and then to catch up. I talked to him about my wedding plans and mostly mundane things, but eventually our conversations became more serious and I talked to him about my relationship issues (something I know I should have never done). This flirtation went on for several months and I met him 2 times (nothing physical happened at all) before we both decided that we should end whatever it was that was going on between us. I have to admit, I was quite heartbroken but thought that if I could just push through and get past the wedding, everything would be okay again.

 

Once Jack and I got married things were good for a while, but eventually my ex and I started talking again, and though I am so ashamed to admit it…10 months into my marriage I cheated on my husband with him. It happened 2 more times before we “ended” things again, but by that point I was so emotionally distraught that I didn’t know what to do. I had feelings for my ex but I couldn’t decipher whether they were real or if I was just escaping from real life with him (I’m sure it was the latter). I found myself completely checked out of my marriage. I decided that I wanted to leave, then I decided that I couldn’t leave because I had no money and nowhere to go, then I decided that I couldn’t leave because I didn’t want to hurt Jack…and I just went around in circles with these thoughts.

 

I suppose I don’t need to ramble on about my feelings any further, because what has lead to me writing this post is that Jack found some of my incriminating Facebook messages a few days ago and knows that I had an affair. It has been the worst week of my life. When he found out we ended up physically fighting for the first time ever which left me bruised and bleeding. I am in anguish over hurting him, yet still feeling trapped and stifled and wanting to leave, but I feel like I owe it to him to give it “one last shot” especially since he is blindsided by this.

 

I’ve tried to explain to him in the past how unhappy I am but he just doesn’t listen. I feel like I have been trying to grow and evolve as a person but I have been so restricted. He has a great career and great friends and great hobbies and loves every second of his life. I have not been able to find a job in my field in the area that we’ve settled in (for his career) so I work a dead-end job that I hate with literally no human interaction for 12 hours a day. I have no friends, and when I’m home I’m usually alone cleaning or cooking. I have zero fulfillment in my life and zero fulfillment in this relationship. Yet when I try to talk to him about it he tells me that my life is awesome and I should be so happy (mostly because we’re financially stable and able to buy “nice things” because of his job).

 

Even after finding out about the affair he wants to make it work with me, he says that he still loves me and forgives me. I feel like the worst person on the planet for still wanting to leave. He says that he is giving me a “golden opportunity,” and that I would be an idiot not to take it. Also, he said “You will sink without me, I know it. I’m scared that you’ll become some kind of homeless addict,” and that leaving him would be the worst mistake of my life. And “Your family is so disappointed…it would make everyone so happy if you would just stay with me.”

 

Several of my family members that I love and respect have also told me that leaving would be the worst mistake and that I would be ruining my life, and since I have zero confidence in myself and my ability to make decisions, I wonder if I am just crazy to be unhappy in my marriage. Just to note, I wouldn’t have chosen to involve my family in this issue but when Jack found out about the affair he called everyone he could think of to tell them what a tramp I am.

 

We had our first marriage counseling session today. I didn't tell the counselor about the physical altercation because I felt uncomfortable with my husband right beside me, and I didn't want it to seem like I'm trying to make him sound like an abuser. Maybe I should have told her about that, I'm not sure.

 

Jack believes that our marriage can be saved but honestly, I am still wanting to leave. I absolutely hate myself for doing this to him (the pain is killing him), and to us, and hate myself for not wanting to save our marriage. I feel like I owe it to him to try though and not just give up. Jack just thinks that I am depressed and unhappy with myself and will not accept that I could be unhappy with him or our relationship.

[LILLY_LOUISE]

to be blunt and honest here, what is there to save? you felt traped from the biggining?

as for his violence, did you documented it? take photo of your bruises? you NEED to speak out about what he did! there is no excuse for harming you! have a single session with your MC, tell her everything you have had to endure, if you dont then she wont give you the answers you need to hear. im so sorry to hear about this, i feel for you! my only advice right now would be to take some time away, go on a holiday for a while just to get your head around it all, know what you want, and when you return make it clear to EVERYONE what your decision is. in the mean time hang in there, try not to over think things (i know its hard). Good luck honey! just take baby steps.

[GuyInLimbo]

You need to get the hell away from this relationship fast and get on with your life. You need to grow up. You "hurting" him is not your responsibility. He's clearly an immature, needy, abusive person. You've already given an entire list why the two of you shouldn't be together. Stop wasting your time and END IT.

 

And remind everyone who is telling you that leaving him would be the biggest mistake....this is YOUR life, not theirs and they have ZERO right to impose their baseless opinions on you.

[habs53]

After reading this i really dont find that Jack is as bad as you paint him to be.

I feel that maybe you should be kind to him and let him go. Does he really deserve this?

[2sunny]

ALLOWING him to control you that way is NOT normal.

 

Create distance so you can get ou selling and help.

 

Work on solid, healthy boundaries for YOURSELF and what that SHOULD look like for you!

 

Get your husband away from you wile you allow yourself time to get clear headed and obtain he help you need.

 

If he won't understand or respect what's best for you - move FAR away!

 

He's very controlling and borders on abuse - that's never good!

[TaraMaiden]

After reading this i really dont find that Jack is as bad as you paint him to be.

I feel that maybe you should be kind to him and let him go. Does he really deserve this?

 

Oh really?

 

Your name Jack, by any chance....?

[habs53]

Oh really?

 

Your name Jack, by any chance....?

 

What if it is??

 

Its very easy for someone to exaggerate someones downfalls. Especially when they are fooling around behind someones back. It was even mentioned that her family loved the guy. I simply dont take this whole story at face value.

 

You can believe what you want, i dont go for it.....

[xpaperxcutx]

What if it is??

 

Its very easy for someone to exaggerate someones downfalls. Especially when they are fooling around behind someones back. It was even mentioned that her family loved the guy. I simply dont take this whole story at face value.

 

You can believe what you want, i dont go for it.....

 

"Jack" sounds like the kind of husband to install a program in his wife's computer to monitor her every move... as if it's not enough he's controlling her life and keeping track of every penny she's spending.

 

OP, what you have is not love. It's you losing your identity and signing over your life to a man who enjoys controlling you. This is an abusive relationship. From the very minute he laid his hands on you, you became a domestic abuse victim. Please get help, especially talk to your marriage counselor. If he can beat you bloody, he may very well murder you.

[2sunny]

After reading this i really dont find that Jack is as bad as you paint him to be.

I feel that maybe you should be kind to him and let him go. Does he really deserve this?

 

What if it is??

 

Its very easy for someone to exaggerate someones downfalls. Especially when they are fooling around behind someones back. It was even mentioned that her family loved the guy. I simply dont take this whole story at face value.

 

You can believe what you want, i dont go for it.....

 

Are you the abuser Habs?

 

You sure jumped quickly to defend what is described as blatant and extreme abuse... Why defend abuse?

[habs53]

"Jack" sounds like the kind of husband to install a program in his wife's computer to monitor her every move... as if it's not enough he's controlling her life and keeping track of every penny she's spending.

 

OP, what you have is not love. It's you losing your identity and signing over your life to a man who enjoys controlling you. This is an abusive relationship. From the very minute he laid his hands on you, you became a domestic abuse victim. Please get help, especially talk to your marriage counselor. If he can beat you bloody, he may very well murder you.

 

 

Unfortunately when someone is sneaking behind someones back.. computer monitors become common. Some people actually recommend them to catch them on this very site. If i agree with that.. i dont know.

 

There was not a lot of detail about the physical fight they had. To assume he could be a murderer is a bit far fetched. No man should hit a woman, ever. Did he hit her or did she fall down?? She was bruised and bleeding.. Need more info into how that actually happened.

 

All said and done, this is not a good couple. I see nothing but downhill.

[habs53]

Are you the abuser Habs?

 

You sure jumped quickly to defend what is described as blatant and extreme abuse... Why defend abuse?

 

 

Am i an abuser? That was simply not called for. I simply question some of the stuff i read.

[2sunny]

Am i an abuser? That was simply not called for. I simply question some of the stuff i read.

 

It was a question that begged a yes or no answer. You moved away from a direct answer...

[RAN65]

HopelessWanderer

 

For Jack to Abuse you is 100% not correct & for you to Cheat him behind his back is not also 100% correct.

 

If you had problems in your marriage you should have told him & got out of the marriage. Do whatever you want, after being divorced. But being in a marriage & cheating is not correct.

 

Now that all this has happened, I would request you to get out of the marriage, even if your family & friends object to the same. This is my honest opinion.

[HopelessWanderer]

Thanks to those of you who had words of advice or encouragement.

 

We have decided on a divorce. This has been the hardest, most physically and mentally draining experience I have ever been through and it is far from over.

 

Luckily we are both being very agreeable so far. Today we drew up a separation agreement and we were able to decide what will go to whom.

 

Jack has many friends that he has been spending time with and talking to, and he's been talking to my family as well. I have no one. So I am alone in the house trying to pack up my things because he wants me out by Sunday (today is Friday). I don't know how I'll find a place and be able to afford it but...it has to be done. It's just hard.

[xpaperxcutx]

Thanks to those of you who had words of advice or encouragement.

 

We have decided on a divorce. This has been the hardest, most physically and mentally draining experience I have ever been through and it is far from over.

 

Luckily we are both being very agreeable so far. Today we drew up a separation agreement and we were able to decide what will go to whom.

 

Jack has many friends that he has been spending time with and talking to, and he's been talking to my family as well. I have no one. So I am alone in the house trying to pack up my things because he wants me out by Sunday (today is Friday). I don't know how I'll find a place and be able to afford it but...it has to be done. It's just hard.

 

He's talking to your family?

Unfortunately it sounds like he's playing the victim card and trying to paint you in a bad to you all your friends and family. Don't fall for his tricks, and if need be, stand your ground, if you feel like you're going to end up back with him.

 

As bad as you cheated on him, you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship and Jack cut you off from a life. I suggest you seek one of those free women support groups. Even if your family can't be there for you, i'ts best u can find a stranger who isn't bias to your situation.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh.... he "wants you out by Sunday"....?

He has no right to eject you from your home, in a time-frame of his choosing....

And why aren't YOU talking to your family.......?

 

What the hell gives here......?

 

Why don't you tell him the time-frame is utterly unreasonable and unrealistic - you will go - but in such a time as is necessary for you to set yourself up elsewhere.....

 

WTF....?!