egalew Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Does anyone know of a case of an exMM who made amends? Apologize for their crappy behavior? Said they regretted it? I honestly think cheaters -- unlike others -- are able to segment their lives.
veryhappy Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 To whom? 99% do that with the wife sooner or later if she finds out. They're out of he fog remorseful for the crappy behavior. To the OW? Not that much. They're usually caught up in the begging and pleading described above. If they do come back acting apologetic it's likely for an ulterior cause - to resume the affair. I did want to hear those things, and he didn't offer them. Told me instead about his newfound clarity. He did sort of apologize when I specifically asked for it, but as important as it was at the time, it did little for my overall state after all this time. The fact that I got it out of him and didn't feel sincere may have q lot to do with it. Bottom line is...does it make sense to expect anything, including an apology or help o move on from a person who's treated us like that?
wanting more Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 What has he done to the OW to apologize for? You wanted to be in an affair with him, you accepted it was crumbs. You got that. I don't see the problem. You and he had your fun at someone else's expense. Where he told the OW what she wanted to hear and said he would leave but didn't, that's part of the package. You would have been entitled to change your mind too and probably told him what he wanted to hear. I get that rejection hurts when you're dumped but I don't see it as something he did wrong to you. Why do you stay on these boards??? You're mean, hateful, rude and yes, YOU are bitter. Enough of all the "people I know". I think you make up people to "compare" OW situations to just so you can reply on these posts which majority of the time does nothing, offers nothing and upsets most OW and some BS. Stop telling OW/OM how they deserve the hurt they're going thru, or that they have no right to even feel hurt. 5
Author egalew Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 H - I see your point, but it's more complicated than you're making it out to be. Yes, we (OW) knew he was married. But a lot of these men weaved a big story and set of lies to keep the woman hooked. When mine ended he was in the process of the divorced and it was pretty crappy how it went down.
imperfectangel Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I've had apologies before but since after the fact he went on to behave the exact same way it didn't really mean anything, for the record for a long time I didn't know he was married and was in too deep by the time I did. I have been involved one way or another with ex mm my entire adult life and when I told him it was over - I was tired of the long periods of time when he would go MIA - he just told me she checks his phone and then to email him instead That's when I realized I would always come 2nd and that this entire time had been a waste of time we were going nowhere. I wouldn't want a apology for him staying with his wife but if he genuinely meant it then a apology for the ****ty way I was treated would be appreciated, but only if it was sincere
Author egalew Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Imperfect - Curious. What reason did he give for not leaving his wife?
imperfectangel Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I have never been given a reason but then I've never asked he knows what I what and I assumed that he wanted the same all I got was "circumstances" stopped him from doing so... To me if you really want something you will go and get it I think I made it easier for him to stay married tbh he didn't have to face their issues because I was always there to keep his mind off them. But once he said I was to email instead of text, well that showed me he wasnt going anywhere he had no intensions to leave and I wasn't going to stay the ow forever
TigerCub Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 exMM apologized to me. It was about a year or so after the A ended and I was NC. He sent me an email and apologized for the way he lied to me, he told me some truths about stuff he lied about (stuff that I always said didn't add up). It was nice to get that apology, but honestly, at that point I had already moved on, and the rest of the stuff he told me after that I still took with a grain of salt.
Eggplant Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 The xOW on the recent threads have been apologizing to the BW. Does anybody know of an xOM apologizing to the BH?
cocorico Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Does anyone know of a case of an exMM who made amends? Apologize for their crappy behavior? Said they regretted it? I'm assuming you mean MM who dumped the OW, rather than MM who were dumped by the OW? Yes, I do know of a couple such. Usually it's a prequel to resume the A, or sometimes to initiate a post-D R with the OW.
Finally Settled Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Does anyone know of a case of an exMM who made amends? Apologize for their crappy behavior? Said they regretted it? I honestly think cheaters -- unlike others -- are able to segment their lives. I'm assuming you mean apologizing to his other woman. I apologize to her every day. She is now my partner, but I still am filled with guilt for what I dragged her into. For the record, I still apologize to my exwife as well. I deeply regret what I did to them both. I did segment my life for quite some time, but in the end I couldn't live with the ongoing silent deception to them both.
Finally Settled Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 What has he done to the OW to apologize for? You wanted to be in an affair with him, you accepted it was crumbs. You got that. I don't see the problem. You and he had your fun at someone else's expense. Where he told the OW what she wanted to hear and said he would leave but didn't, that's part of the package. You would have been entitled to change your mind too and probably told him what he wanted to hear. I get that rejection hurts when you're dumped but I don't see it as something he did wrong to you. For allowing myself to be so selfish I would offer a relationship with me even though I was so selfish I wouldn't offer her any opportunity to get past the limits I imposed. If I had been an honorable man I would have never made myself available and offer ANY sort of relationship with her. She knew our limits, but I was the one who imposed them. People hope and if there is no hope they create it. I quietly lived on her having hope even though I was doing my 'best' to not encourage it. My actions spoke louder than my words. How does an other woman not create hope when someone is speaking of love and enjoying all the times you spend together? She did change her mind and she told me goodbye where I was never able to. The hurt and incompleteness consumed me and I found myself yet again lying to my exwife. You take great delight at repeatedly saying how little an other woman is in worth. It appears you say it often and loudly, almost as though you can force your thoughts onto others. You remind of we arrogant Americans when conversing with someone who is speaking in a foreign language-if we say it loud enough it'll finally sink in. That doesn't work I'm afraid. Basically what it does is cause the other party to roll their eyes and turn away. 3
Sarabi Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Your lack of true shame and remorse is palpable I am not too sure what you mean. Are you saying he should be ashamed to be in love and happy with someone? Or...you think he should be ashamed at not staying faithful and married and loving his former wife..?
Finally Settled Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Finallysettled I don't expect a MM who dumped his faithful wife for a woman willing to cheat with him to get it. And that's ok. But I don't imagine your apologies to your ex wife mean much. Your lack of true shame and remorse is palpable. People who by their actions what they are worth. No one can make them be less than that. How is it you come by the knowledge she was faithful? Another bit of information you speak of, but lack any knowledge is our relationship now. We went through much to get to the point that both of our apologies were accepted completely. Mine were much more monumental due to the scale of what I did, but hers to me were very important too. She is an amazing woman and we have come to peace now. It was very difficult and I wondered if we would get there, but we have. Your view of my shame and remorse is nothing like the reality of it. I am full of shame for what I did to my wife, but contrary to what you would like me to say I am not ashamed that I am now with my other woman and working to a future together. My remorse is something you will not like either-I am remorseful for treating them both in such horrible fashion. I'd address the last line of your post, but in all honesty it makes no sense to me whatsoever. 1
Finally Settled Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I am not too sure what you mean. Are you saying he should be ashamed to be in love and happy with someone? Or...you think he should be ashamed at not staying faithful and married and loving his former wife..? I am the first to say I should never have had an affair, but I am also not going to ever say I regret having my other woman in my life now. More pretzel logic on my part? Probably.
Sarabi Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I am the first to say I should never have had an affair, but I am also not going to ever say I regret having my other woman in my life now. More pretzel logic on my part? Probably. Is it pretzel logic? Why should you be made to feel guilty for being in love with someone...anyone? Why should you be held to ransom for that? It is frowned upon by this man-made society only...(thinking about another thread on nature vs. nurture regarding fidelity, other mammals in the animal kingdom do not go through all this stuff) Its not nice, it might not be ideal...or perfect...or the way other people like to see it happen...but sadly it happens. There are far worse people in the world than someone who leaves someone and falls in love with someone else Please someone inform me at once if you can be executed/imprisoned/fined/cautioned/arrested/get points on your driving licence for falling in love with another person... 3
Sarabi Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 How is it you come by the knowledge she was faithful? I guess its just an assumption people make. You were cheating and therefore doing wrong to your poor wife, you are "bad". She is not in the wrong so she must be good etc. For me, as a single person who feels that her friends and the whole world in general are mostly married and in relationships etc. the assumption I make is that if someone is a "wife"(or at least in a relationship), they must be some kind of perfect angel, untouchable god/goddess...so amazing and perfect and brilliant...and faithful...unlike us "unworthy" singletons Your view of my shame and remorse is nothing like the reality of it. Yeah this is another thing. Whether in pain (physically or otherwise) or in love or in lust or unhappy or happy or whatever your feelings are for anything...surely it is only the person in the situation who can say how they feel. We can make assumptions but really...we are not "them" so we really don't know 1
Finally Settled Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Is it pretzel logic? Why should you be made to feel guilty for being in love with someone...anyone? Why should you be held to ransom for that? It is frowned upon by this man-made society only...(thinking about another thread on nature vs. nurture regarding fidelity, other mammals in the animal kingdom do not go through all this stuff) Its not nice, it might not be ideal...or perfect...or the way other people like to see it happen...but sadly it happens. There are far worse people in the world than someone who leaves someone and falls in love with someone else Please someone inform me at once if you can be executed/imprisoned/fined/cautioned/arrested/get points on your driving licence for falling in love with another person... Thank you for your responses. I think my pretzel logic comes from having something so good created by me being so cruel. It's difficult to find your own happiness when it's overshadowed by the fact you've hurt someone else to get it. As I said, I do not regret the fact I am here, but I am sorry I hurt them both to get where I am now.
Sarabi Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Thank you for your responses. I think my pretzel logic comes from having something so good created by me being so cruel. It's difficult to find your own happiness when it's overshadowed by the fact you've hurt someone else to get it. As I said, I do not regret the fact I am here, but I am sorry I hurt them both to get where I am now. In time I hope (and I'm sure you hope as well) that your ex wife finds happiness for herself too It can't have been very nice...but we only have one life. And according to many people it is short. You will never be able to make everyone happy by everything that you do in this life. Everyone will have something to say about everything You should be commended for grabbing life with both hands, taking charge of your own happiness and following your heart to do what makes you happy (I probably sound like I read too much girly chick-lit lol) 2
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