Fonzy Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Hi.I am a 53 yr old man and have been told a month and a half ago by my wife that she was leaving me and had found someonelse,and didnt love me anymore.We were married 34 yrs.I really dont know what happened.I had to leve my job in 2008 because of Ankylosing Spondylitis (arthritis of my spine) and was home all the time.She works part time as a PSW at a retirement home.Our kids r grown and have moved away.We were empty nesters. The day she left she went and took half of our savings,had seen a lawyer,closed all credit cards,and was well prepared for the separation she was to tell me she wanted.She has found another guy she is 53 and he is 63 yrs old.I dont see the attraction there..but it is what it is. My wife was going through a terrible menopause and that is when she started to treat me differently.She also started a jod at a glass plant where only mostly older men were employed,and she was the only woman on the floor.She worked 12 hr shifts.I always knew this wasent a good idea for her to start working there,because i know what men are like when they see an attractive woman enter the work place. I am just wondering what could have happened with her to start treating me mean,and cutting off all sex,and eventually not speaking to each other much,because it only let to arguements.It seemed she would do what she could to make me angry,or start an arguement. Does anyone have any thoughts as to what might have happened here. Thanks...John
Radu Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 (edited) First of all .... HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY That had to be done, so let's focus on other things and not dwell on it [too much]. Sorry to hear about your plight. My guess she had been thinking about this for a loooong time, generally speaking women do not leave without having a plan in place. They never leave a relationship without having something lined up, be it another relationship or a place to stay at. Looking back, what changed as time went on over the last few yrs in your relationship ? Edited February 20, 2013 by Radu 1
Author Fonzy Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Thanks Radu...i guess mabe we just drifted apart,and i got set in my ways as did she.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 So sorry this has happened to you. It sounds as if her leaving came as a big surprise to you. Had you raised your concerns previously? Had she mentioned things that bothered her in your marriage while you were still together? Did you seek marriage counseling? Often one partner is dismissive of the other's concerns (calling it nagging, etc.) until something drastic happens. My guess is that she did not just walk away from a 34-year marriage on a whim. She tried and tried, and finally gave up. Looking back, are there things that you might have handled differently, especially over the last few years? What are you hoping for at this point? Sorry about your disease as well. You have a lot on your plate right now. 1
Author Fonzy Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Reply to cutiepie. We were starting to drift apart for some reason 7 yrs ago.She just didnt seem into me anymore.I think my newly diagnosed disease has caused her to think about really wanting to stay the rest of her life with a guy like me.I cant turn my head anymore,and i am in a lot of pain most of the time. Our kids had grown and left the home.Also she has been dealing with menopause for the last 7yrs or more,and i seen a big change in her when it started.She would be rude,and demanding,and always made an arguement out of little things.I really think her menopause and my condition is what ended our 34 yr marriage.I have googled menopause and marriage,and it seems this can really change a womans perspective on things. John
Emmms Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Anybody can be tempted at work, it doesn't matter if they work 3 hours shift or 12 hours shift. It's something everyone gets affected by. 1
Caldespair Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Fonzy Sorry to hear your story. It sucks I know. With wife 27 years , I'm 49, she's 47 and last 6 months she was not herself. Her doctor mentioned to her that she had some per meno problems. That and one of two kids gone away to college. I'm sure you shocked at this stage. It's been since dec 1st 2012 for me and we both have lawyers. Shock , denial , negotations ( I never pleaded, but wanted to do counseling). Now I'm in the fn mad, angry, pissed off. All those years, the only love of my life kicks me to the curb. I've been having tough times, but each day a sliver gets pulled out. I'm going to go all out in the divorce- I'm willing to fight for my house, money and want to give her a taste of divorce. I'm living at an apt, she's in the house, w my minor, and my wonderful animals which I miss. Fonzy, it gets better. Hang in there, read and post here. 2
Gunny376 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Your looking for a specific "thing" when there isn't one. Some people (not just women) can just up and turn fickle on you! When most of us get married? We're young, dumb, stupid, mostly ignorant, in-experienced, don't have the best of mentors nor examples,.......................the list is almost endless. When most of us get married? We think and believe in our heart of hearts that we're only marrying just one person, when in fact? We're marrying at the very least ~ three. I. We marry the person we think we're marrying! II. We marry the person we're actually marrying! III. We marry the person that comes about as a result of having been married to YOU! Different people deal with different things because of their backgrounds (ethic, religious, geographical, cultural, sub-cultural, race, etc. ~ again the list is almost endless) Then there are those of us that have to deal with different things than others because we're at different stages ~ ages in our lives. If I had to wager a guess at it from what you posted? 1. Menopause no doubt is a factor in the equation. 2. Empty-nest syndrome 3. Mid life crisis. (Awakening to one's on mortality ~ realizing how short life is) 4. Your ~ her becoming complacent in your marriage/relationship/lives 5. Both of your being at different places in your life ~ wanting and needing different things 6. Her having worked in or working in a "retirement home" would to me seem to be an aggravating factor in it all. 7. The two of you growing apart. 8. Your being less mobile, less agile, less willing to go out and "Live Life!" All of these would be factors to the equation. Perhaps there are and then again perhaps they aren't? Perhaps there are more? It would seem that she has been dweling on the thought of not wanting to spend her "Golden Years" as a 'care giver' to someone with your medical conditions. What one will abuse? Another can certainly use. And just because your 53. dosen't mean your out of the game? I myself am 55 about to turn 56 come next April. Mrs Gunny is 51. At that age? At any age? Good men that are patient, loving, caring, giving, sharing, compacient, passionate, loving, romantic etc are always in demand ~ there's that great of shortage. IMHO? Its easier for most of us men to find a good woman than it is for a woman to find a good man? That's just my opinion. There was once a village where a the value of a woman was measured by how many cows a man would offer her father for her. A really HBX10 (Hot Bade X 10) would go for around 10 cows! There was this one guy who had a daughter. To say she was homely, plain-Jane, inept, clumsey? Well would be an understatement. He would gladly give some "chump" of a guy a couple of his cows just to take her off of his hands! One day this 'kid' came along and wanted to take her as his bride? The 'Old man" was over the moon! He's thinking, "I can finally get this, this, this daughter of mine married off, and maybe get at least one old cow that's might ~ just might be fit for using to bait lions with!" The "kid" told him he had ONLY had TEN COWS to offer him! :eek: The Old man thought ~ "This kid is nuts! THere's no way in Hell she's worth even one old cow!" So much so that the Old Man tried to bater the kid down! The kid told him! "No! I want to give you TEN cows for her, because I want the whole village to know, the whole nation to know ~ but most of all? I want HER to know that to ME! She's worth not only TEN cows! But more, if I only had more than ten cows! A couple years later he and his new bride came in from the way outskirts of the village. To everyone's astonishment? The young bridge had blossomed into not only one of the most beautiful maidens in the village but in all of the nation! She was a beautiful, out-going, full of life, a loving a nutruing and most attentive wife and mother. A great and very knowledgeable wife, weaver, basket maker, pottery maker, ~ a virtual "Martha Stewart" It may be too late for your current wife? Your current marriage? But its never to late to go out and find a one cow woman and turn her into a ten cow wife! 2
Author Fonzy Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Thanks Gunny376.I think you hit it dead on with your reply. I know my spinal arthritis is one of the issues.I had noticed my wifes personality changing big time.Anything would tick her off...she even started using the F word.She told me i was controlling and IMO i gave her everything she wanted.Her menopause really changed who she was. I just know menopause has caused our marriage break up.How could a person live with someone for 34 yrs and then enter menopause and all of a sudden i can't do anything right.Anything i say she starts hollering and arguing.She slept all the time too. What hurts the most is knowing she has another guy and has moved in with him.When i try to sleep at night all i see when i close my eyes is her in bed with him and i imagine her having sex with him and it really bothers me...i cant seem to get it out of my head.When times were good my wife and i had an awesome sex life...it really hurts knowing that now this guy is having an awesome sex life with her.
Caldespair Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Fonzy Whenever I think terrible thoughts about my wife and why this happened, the thoughts that don't let me sleep - I say to myself "it does not matter". It seems to help me stop the stinking thinking. Besides your life circumstances completely changing, you/we have to trudge through the mental mind games that leaves occupied every moment of every day and night. Hang in their fonzy.
Darren Steez Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 As painful as it is your wife has gone. She's been selfish, did what was best for her. Isn't it time to do what is best for you? Easier said than done, trying to move on from 34 yrs of marriage. But time to focus and take care of YOURSELF!! BE selfish, put yourself first, you;ve got a heck of alot of life left for living. God bless you
Soxfaninfl Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) Anybody can be tempted at work, it doesn't matter if they work 3 hours shift or 12 hours shift. It's something everyone gets affected by. Yup, thats what happened to me. My ex and I were having problems, and she decided to hook up with a older guy. I too don't see the attraction to this guy. She's 36 and he is 50. I'm 37. I feel your pain. My wife is the only women I've been in love with. We were together for 13 years. I'm really sorry what your going through. Edited February 23, 2013 by Soxfaninfl
Gunny376 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I was telling Mrs. Gunny over the phone about this post ~ (She's over visiting the DGS ~ Dear Grandsons ~ in another state. I told her you said you had of Ankylosing Spondylitis (arthritis of my spine) and she was all like :eek: She told me ~ "That's what I've got! Your NOT going to leave me are you? I told her no! "Marines don't fill out applications! Marines make COMMITMENTS! Come high water, hell, or damnation! If it ever comes down to it? I just want to get me one of the Scotters from the Scotter Store, (Yes I know the Feds raided them with 150 agents and shut them down!) painted with Dale Earnhart's colors and some (University of Alabama) Bama flags hanging off the handle bars!
Recommended Posts