How to end it...

[Lil Lady]

I have been considering breaking it off with my live-in boyfriend. We've done this once before in the past, and it lasted a week. I was doing okay, crying and heart broke, but he wiggled his way back in and I felt sorry for him, so we got back together. We have been dating for over a year, living together since almost the beginning. He was having a rough time, no job, staying with a friend, no car...so we got together, he moved in with me so that he could see his son more frequently than while living with a friend. I was here to try and help him. I paid for everything. I had quite a bank account when we first got together so I thought if I helped him get on his feet, everything would be better...not so much. I paid for him a motorcycle, a cheap way to get around, then he was going to sell it and get a better motorcycle but it cost a bit more...he "sold" his first bike, then told me that if I covered the new bike, we would get the money for the other bike and it would end up squaring us up...so stupid-me went along with it because I trusted him...(we had been in the relationship almost 5 months) well, the guy that we "sold" the bike to never paid us for it. The new bike ended up having a problem with the starter. He traded the new bike for an old truck...then the old truck broke down and blew up the engine...so he is carless again. OH WAIT! I just remembered...I helped him buy a small car somewhere in the middle of all of that...bought it for $2000, the transmission went out of it so he sold it for $500, which I never got. He didn't have a job for the first 6 months of the relationship, which is why I got him a car to help him with a ride to and from work...until he either sold them or they broke down. Anyways, he drives my car everywhere now. To pick up his son, to drop his son off, to go to work, (he now has a job, has had it for 3 weeks) to run errands, to go visit friends...so on and so forth.

 

He doesn't help pay the rent, my birthday was recent so he's spent his first two checks on my present. He doesn't help with any of the bills. We both smoke, so I pay for his cigs, food, drinks, gas in MY car that HE drives, I pay for food for his son, drinks for his son...if we go out to dinner, I pay, if we go out to a movie, I pay. Yadda Yadda Yadda... You should totally get the picture now.

 

My question is, how do i end it without being sucked back into the folds for feeling sorry for him again? I know that he has no where to go. Very few friends that will "take him in", his parents won't take him in either. His mother lives over an hour away, (how would he get there) his father is a foster parent to 3 kids as it is... He has a brother and a sister, but they won't take him in either. I fell into this trap that I didn't realize was set for me, but here it is. People say that love is blind, deaf and dumb...well I am living proof of that. I have loved him, I do love him, but I can't keep allowing this to happen. As I said, I had quite a nice bank account when we first got together...now I have scraps in there, barely enough to make it through the month with supporting him and his child.

 

Oh and he's still "technically" married. They have been separated for over two years, they have never had enough money to pay for the divorce so it's just kind of sat there. She is with another guy, she thinks she's pregnant by him, so they want the divorce done as quickly as possible now so that she and he can get married. Well, my guy doesn't have the money for them to all go to the same lawyer, which is what they wanted to do to make it easier. No contest on the child, joint custody so the child support isn't too much. Well, if I end things with him, he will lose his job, because he doesn't have a car. He will lose his son, because he won't be able to help pay for the divorce. He won't have a place to stay. So basically, I will end up screwing up his life if I end things now...but I am so very tired. I end up getting sick because I am so stressed out. He is a jealous type of man, but not overly jealous I don't think...I could be wrong.

 

If I'm on facebook, he constantly asks what I'm looking at. If my phone bings with a message, even before I can pick it up he asks who it is. On another forum in here I've messaged about how my parents hate him and how they have tried to tell me for so long to break it off, but I didn't listen. If only I had paid attention...not just sweep things under the rug so to speak, I wouldn't be in this predicament. He is somewhat jealous of my parents as well...because tells me that they are only trying to run my life, which now I see, they were only trying to help. When we argue, nothing gets accomplished, because he always brings up the past mistakes, or throws my parents into my face. We also barely have sex...maybe once a month? sometimes twice a month? Nonetheless...I am here for suggestions.

 

I guess I have the lost puppy syndrome...I wanted to help him get back on his feet, but he barely tried for over a year. He either has the best intentions and life gets in his way, or he just knows how to talk the talk.

 

How do I get out of this round-about without feeling guilty for potentially screwing up his life? Any and all help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

[Seeking Happiness]

It seems as though you really care about this guy and love him very much. The problem is that you are really not doing this man any favors. He needs to learn how to stand on his own 2 feet and take care of himself. You are enabling him to be lazy and just mooch off of you.

 

It's so important for people to have career goals and a direction and this man seems to be just coasting. You couldn't possibly find that attractive!. I could see why you would like to just get out of this, quite Frankly I don't blame you.

 

It would be hard to even have respect for this man much less want to be intimate and close. You should do this guy a favor with a bit of Tough Love.

 

Give him about a months time to make arrangements to move out. Where he goes is not your concern he needs to figure things out on his own. You're not his mother. Have a talk with him and tell him he needs to get a job or some kind of career for himself. Tell him you would like a Break from things to figure out your own life and what's best for you because this isn't working.

 

It's up to him to try and make things better in his own life and when and if he does, maybe you two can have a healthier relationship.

 

Hope this helps

[flitzanu]

he's not "technically married", he IS married.

 

if you want to be civil about it and guilt free, find a new place to live, or tell him he's moving out of your place, and give him x amount of days to get things in order and that's it. you cannot live together while broken up though, so don't think you'll jsut stay roommates for months.

 

prepare your new living situation, tell him his exact time limit and do not budge, and then just follow through.

[KatZee]

OK so he's married, and he's a waste, and he's financially irresponsible, and you're his sugar mama.

 

I'd feel sorry for him as well. Absolutely no drive, no direction, and with a kid?

 

You're doing nothing but reinforcing his bad behavior. He doesn't have to do a thing because you wipe his a.ss and clean up all his messes. You're like a mother to him.

 

You should feel WORSE for doing this. You need to give him a hard kick so he can learn to support himself, and his child and to get his divorce moving. That will be the best thing you've ever done for him. Not buying him a motorcycle, or paying his bills, or buying him a car, or any of this.

 

You're doing an extreme disservice to him by continuing to support this life (which really isn't a life at all if you ask me). His life already sounds ruined, I don't think you should feel guilty. He's made his choices in life and all those choices led him to where he is.

 

***Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.***

Edited February 20, 2013 by KatZee

[Lil Lady]

I guess I'm just having problems with this because I know that he is not completely stable all the time. I believe he is somewhat bi-polar, I know that he has ADHD, and has major anger issues. He has never hit me, nor anyone else since we have been together during this past year, although when he was younger, he apparently fought all the time. So yesterday, I went to the doctor because I've been have a few issues, mainly stress related I believe. So I rode with my mother, because I knew at some point he was going to have to use the car to get his son. I left at 2PM appointment at 4PM, home before 8PM. After the appointment I went to eat with my mother, and had to go to the pharmacy. When I get home, he says that he "had to sit here all day" since he didn't have the key, (we only have one at the moment because his "ex" has the key when she watched our animals 2 months ago but hasn't given it back yet) so he "had to sit here". I walked in, the dishes weren't done, nothing that he said over the past few days that he was going to do was not done. He said that he fell asleep on the couch a bunch of times, because of his "stress" about not knowing what was going on with me. I said, well I sent you a message saying we were going to the pharmacy, then we decided to get something to eat. It's not like i didn't tell you where I was. He didn't say anything else after that.

Well we go to bed late, he rolls on his side away from me, watching netflix on my Kindle. But this morning first thing as I roll out of bed to turn off the alarm, he expresses his frustration that the alarm is going off. Well then the cat jumps into my spot on the bed, so he yells at the cat to get off the bed. I told him that the cat wasn't even close to him. He said you know what...just forget it. You have been against everything I've said over the past few days. I said what do you mean? He said, Just that! I said I was just saying that the cat wasn't even near you. He said well you didn't even sit next to me last night. You sat in the recliner while I sat on the couch. I said, well I guess I was just doing what we have normally done over the past few months. He said well I said something about it a few days ago. I said that I didn't want to do this right now, because when he first wakes up, he can be a real big jerk...just angry, and I figured that was what was going on. He said, well I guess I don't want to do it at all. I said, you just seem frustrated so we can talk about it later. He huffed and said, we just won't do it at all. So I started to try and talk to him in a calm manner...I said you were frustrated when I went to the doctor....and he interrupted me and said no, it's not that...I said well you won't even let me finish a sentence so we can just do it later.

 

Sorry for going on and on, but that has been my morning...so I'm not so sure that giving him a deadline is really going to work. My parents are worried for my safety. My mom and dad have already called me this morning asking if I was okay. I can't just leave the house...because 95% of the stuff in here is mine. The rest is stuff he had before or his son's stuff.

 

One thing my dad pointed out to me this morning really clicked home. A few months back, one of his "friends" screwed me out of $300. We stopped talking to them for a while, but just the other day...maybe a week ago, he started talking to them again. My dad told me this morning, if someone had screwed your mom out of that money when we were dating, the people who did it would be worried, because they would have felt the wrath if they had tried to contact me again after something like that. And so now, I'm just very uneasy. If my man cared about me as much as he says, why would he still want to be friends with them if they screwed us over? I'm just very worried and frustrated and angry inside after all of this all within one hour of waking up. *LOL* What a great way to start the day.

[flitzanu]

but either way and regardless of excuses, he's still married.

 

how do you ever have a future with someone who is married?

 

if your'e worried about your things, then get him out of the house and get all your stuff moved out, and get yourself signed off your lease.

[NoLeafClover]

I hate when parents get involved and I don't think it's really healthy because you have your opinion about some things then you hear your parents opinion as well and all it does is stress you out more.

To clarify, the situation with your bf's friend not returning Your money and how he and you act towards this friend has nothing to do with how your parents would have reacted in this act. You two do not have the same relationship your parents have with each other and def are not the same people.

 

If this bothered you and truly wanted that money back, you go and put pressure on the person you landed money to or contact your ex's friend directly (even if your ex gets mad at you - you have every right, its your money and until your ex gets to pay you back from his debt he should just shut it)

 

I don't get the priorities he has set for himself either.

He bought a motorcycle and sold it because of the starter?

First off: A motorcycle is a 'Want' and a CAR is what he needs.

Second off: if you can't even change the started on a motorcycle, then you don't belong on a bike period. That's like jumping on a bike without a helmet because helmets cost money. Is he that dumb to not know he could push start the bike with very little effort?

 

If you have made up your mind that this is what you want, then please just do so and do yourself a favor.

Be the dumper and stick to your decision. That is no more getting back together and no more contact or I miss you messages. You have to be selfish and do only what is good for you. You can't fix everyone's problems and you don't owe him anything.

 

Since there is a child involved and you obviously care about his kids well being, you can give your ex an ultimatum that the has until x day to move out and that you want both keys back.

 

Do stay away and find someone better. I too feel bad for him, but he needs to man up and if can't even do the dishes when he had the whole day to do so and just show that he is trying then you have no choice.

 

You want a man not a house sitter. I give you a lot of props for being the type of woman that can take care of your man but there is a limit to everything.

[Lil Lady]

He is sitting here saying that he isn't going to leave until he has all of his stuff out. I pay rent...the lease is in my name. If the lease is in my name and I pay the rent, can't I tell him to get out and get his stuff later? Because I'm afraid he's just waiting around to waste time. He isn't even packing his stuff...he has no where to go. This is so hard, and he keeps trying to make me feel bad about my decision.

[flitzanu]

He is sitting here saying that he isn't going to leave until he has all of his stuff out. I pay rent...the lease is in my name. If the lease is in my name and I pay the rent, can't I tell him to get out and get his stuff later? Because I'm afraid he's just waiting around to waste time. He isn't even packing his stuff...he has no where to go. This is so hard, and he keeps trying to make me feel bad about my decision.

 

if his name isn't on the lease, then i'm pretty sure you can contact the police to have him escorted.