Can't stop hurting

[FoolishMe]

I'm having such a difficult time since I broke it off with the MM. My God, I'm 42

 

years old and I've NEVER experienced such heartache. I'm one of those people

 

that everyone thinks is "so strong and has it together".

 

After I broke it off, he made contact with me. He said that his life feels so empty

 

and he has such a void without me. We love each other deeply and it just hurts

 

so damn bad.

 

On the flip side, I know that he needs to make a decision. He needs to make this

 

decision without me in the picture. He needs to know what his life will be like

 

without me - completely. I desperately wanted to call him while he was at work

 

Monday night. I called one of my friends in a state of hysteria and she talked me

 

through it and convinced me that doing that would just make me feel better

 

for the moment. I know she is right.

 

Why did he tell me that he is coming back for me? I asked him how he could

 

possibly say this and he claims that he loves me and cannot live without me.

 

Maybe it would have been easier if he said he was going to work things out with

 

W and that I should move on with mine. I'm sure that would have hurt too but

 

maybe then I would have closure.

 

How do you let someone go when you love them so much? How do you go from

 

talking to this person 8 or 10 times a day to not speaking at all. It all feels so

 

unnatural.

 

I can't believe I got myself into this in the first place.

[EnigmaXOXO]

FoolishMe, From one of your previous posts:

 

I've been through hard times in my life (divorce, the death of my mom) and NOTHING has ever been as painful as this.

 

That's because you "grieved" the loss of these two relationships, as is natural when we are forced to face the fact that an important part of our life has reached closure. But the reason this is so much more painful for you is because you are not simply "grieving", but rather are in the throws of relationship addiction "withdrawal".

 

You are craving another "fix" regardless of how detrimental you already know it will be to your emotional and physical well-being. You are willing to risk it all (again) for just one more "high."

 

Honey, you have become a love junkie.

 

You have to look at it like any other kind of addiction. You have to force yourself to go Cold Turkey and wrestle that monkey off your back. Each time you give in and succumb to the craving…the temptation, you'll have to start all over again. Each time you slip, you will loose more ground and eventually you'll be lost to your addiction for good. If you manage to come through it and reach the other side, I promise, you'll look back on this and understand that the person you are now bares no resemblance to the strong, independent and confident person you really are…that woman struggling like h*ll to climb out from under her own personal demons and breath fresh air again.

 

You have lost yourself, FoolishMe. But you're not "gone" yet. Now go do whatever the h*ll it takes to get her (not him) back again!

[FoolishMe]

You are right in all regards. I think my post lead you to believe that I did give into the urge to call him...I didn't. It was so difficult, but I resisted. I resisted because of what you said, that if I keep going back, I will completely lose myself. I resisted because I know that if it's meant to be then I need to leave him the hell alone and let him come after me. I resisted because I can't go back on what I told him in the first place. I resisted because I refuse to lose all of my self dignity.

 

Thank you again for your input

[kechara]

I went NC for 2 months and then he contacted me. I let him back in my life on a friend basis and somehow ended up talking about the future again and love and US. I'm proud of myself that I stuck to my resolve not to sleep with him again.

 

So, for the last month I have been feeding the craving but at the same time, I've been miserable. Sure, in the intervening months he has quit the job that would keep us apart, has talked to his wife about separating, and has started to make arrangements to move out. But every time he says he's moving out, for some reason, there is a delay. And now today I get a phone call from some woman asking if I knew her fiance. Apparently, when my MM called me he was using a friend's cell phone and now his friend's fiance' is suspicious. AND, she called my MM's wife to compare telephone bills.

 

I'm riding the crazy train again.

 

Do yourself a favor...don't make the mistake I did...don't jump back on. Keep to the hardline: "I'll talk to you when you show me the divorce papers." God, I wish I had.

[9Lives]

Dont you want your own man someday? Get past the pain and see something more positive to look forward to. I am in the same boat. It hurts like hell. Better now than later. It is not going to be easy but it is right.

[healthnut]

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