e40 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Yes, I have to put my big girl panties on and move on. I know it's going to hurt like hell but I have no choice. I feel so dumb. A beautiful, smart, LOVING unconditionally and selfless woman was used and abused by a man who give two you know what's. And my self esteem is SHOT because of all of this. I don't even like myself anymore. I'm truly traumatized. My heart hurts more than I can ever explain. Like literally hurts. The ball is in your court. If you leave him, the hurt will be temporary. Give back what is given to you. If a guy is selfish, be selfish right back. If he is selfless, then you won't get burned by being selfless back to him.
spiderowl Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I'm so sorry. The guy is selfish and not considering your needs. Do you detect any empathy there at all? He cannot find time to talk about it because he doesn't want to. He turns the blame on you whenever you try to bring the subject up - it's the wrong time, you did it too soon, you tried to talk while he was high, etc. It's always going to be the wrong time. He has decided what he wants to do without consulting you. It is his way or nothing. He won't compromise. He has said so. I know how much this situation hurts. You try to reason with the person and take their feelings into consideration but they don't consider yours. Your feelings matter too. I've been in a similar situation and I stuck with it. Ultimately, it ate away at me and I felt demoralised and lost all confidence in myself. I felt like no-one else would be interested, partly because he was treating me as someone who didn't matter. Having got out of that situation, I know it's not true. I might not have found my true love but I know people care about me and that other guys are interested. No-one can advise you to get out of this relationship because that has to be your decision. Materially, it's a challenge and it won't be easy, but can you ignore your feelings? Indeed, why should you put up with this? You are worth all the things that matter to you in a loving, committed relationship. This guy just isn't going your way and doesn't deserve you.
spiderowl Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Do you know that he even wanted to rent/or rent to own the house directly across the street from where his ex and her new husband lives? How awkward would that be? I'm sure she doesn't want him there. Secondly, how is he going to get approved for a place like that? LIke I feel like he's living in la la land. Just read this. It seems to me the guy is still emotionally involved and bound up with his ex and that's why he's not going to commit himself to you. Wanting to live opposite your ex shows quite clearly that you want to be physically close to her, to see her regularly and to keep an eye on what she's up to. What does that say to you? I can't imagine anyone would tolerate their partner doing that. Whatever reasons he's giving you for his choices/actions, he's fooling you and himself. I think you've nailed it on the head when you say he respects her - sorry but she's still the one for him.
Keke1 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 The ball is in your court. If you leave him, the hurt will be temporary. Give back what is given to you. If a guy is selfish, be selfish right back. If he is selfless, then you won't get burned by being selfless back to him. Read the whole thread and it really seems like she won't leave him. My opinion. She knows what must be done. Pretty sure he is going to do the sad puppy routine and voila everything is back to normal. Well his normal. Dudes been using you and from your first couple of posts he is a genius with mind tricks that you fall for
Treasa Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Tell him you also have a surprise for him, and then punch him in the nuts. 2
e40 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Read the whole thread and it really seems like she won't leave him. My opinion. She knows what must be done. Pretty sure he is going to do the sad puppy routine and voila everything is back to normal. Well his normal. Dudes been using you and from your first couple of posts he is a genius with mind tricks that you fall for If she won't leave him, she's in for a lot of hurt for a long time. As I said, it's up to her to do the right thing.
stillafool Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I think this guy is still in love with his exW and that's why he won't marry you. He treats you terrible so be glad he won't marry you. Work on your self esteem and move on. 38 is not too old to meet and marry someone who loves and respects you.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 he is a genius with mind tricks that you fall for Not quite that simple, the OP's problem is that she is a co-dependent. ie she is obsessed with fixing the other person as opposed to working out what's good for her. I'm guessing she comes from a broken home or had an alcoholic father, something like that. 1
Author confused_female Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Good morning – So many people here have said that he’s still in love with his ex. Why does it have to be that? Why can’t it be that he is madly obsessed with his children? Or that he’s just a jerk in general because he’s a narcissist, etc.? From what I understand he was irresponsible financially when he was with her as well and did his “extra curricular’s” with her as well. I’ve also known that he would talk down to her and treat her badly as far as condescending and demeaning as well. So why is that he is still in love with her? That part is bothering me the most because I just don’t understand why it has to be just that? Could it be that he respects her because she has all control over the kids? He doesn’t want to upset her because he’s afraid she’ll keep them from him? Or because he feels guilty that he lost it on her and he beat her because she cheated for so many years? So of course he takes the blame for the fall of the marriage and why he can’t be with his children. He wanted to work things out with her because of the kids. She would come home at 6:00am everyday while he was home with them because she was with her other man/other men. He stayed and endured it because he’s in love with his children. She had control over everything he did because of his CHILDREN. That’s the only thing he cares about. Does it HAVE to be that he still loves HER? I’m sorry if I sound upset but like I said that is bothering me. When we first started dating he was madly in love with me. Did whatever I wanted. If he knew I was upset about something,forget about it, I had him in the palm of my hand. He was deadly afraid that I was going to hurt him because of her. Things have changed because he’s done things that I’ve forgiven in the past and I’ve enabled him. I know that is my mistake and I now know that loving unconditionally isn’t the best approach which is unfortunate because that’s just who I AM. I don’t like pretending and playing games. Obviously, I am co-dependent and insecure because I haven’t left yet but at the same token I truly do love this man. With everything in me. It’s not easy. I’m taking the right steps to get help though as I’m here seeking advice, however, it’s not going to be an overnight fix. I need to gain the strength to do so. So many of you are like JUST DO ITand the truth is I can’t at this very second. He's been hurt and damaged as well so of course he has his issues and because of his mom abusing him and his ex wife, rightfully so. I'm sorry that I'm not a mean person and feels that everyone deserves to be loved, regardless. I’m also making sure that I’ve tried every option before I move on. With that said, he respected me until I made him lose it. So how do I gain that back? Is it too late to turn the tables? I really would like to know. What is a 180? Does it seem like it could help my situation? Sorry again I'm just making sure I try everything on my end before I say goodbye to him.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Obviously, I am co-dependent and insecure because I haven’t left yet but at the same token I truly do love this man. With everything in me. It’s not easy. I’m taking the right steps to get help though as I’m here seeking advice, however, it’s not going to be an overnight fix. I need to gain the strength to do so. So many of you are like JUST DO ITand the truth is I can’t at this very second. He's been hurt and damaged as well so of course he has his issues and because of his mom abusing him and his ex wife, rightfully so. I'm sorry that I'm not a mean person and feels that everyone deserves to be loved, regardless. I’m also making sure that I’ve tried every option before I move on. With that said, he respected me until I made him lose it. So how do I gain that back? Is it too late to turn the tables? I really would like to know. What is a 180? Does it seem like it could help my situation? Sorry again I'm just making sure I try everything on my end before I say goodbye to him. No. You need to detach. Your codependency is trapping you. You need to read this book. Seriously Codependent No More - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
mortensorchid Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I'm sorry to read all of this which has gone down, but you should move on. It's very difficult to do so, but you really have to at this point. If after 5 years he won't take it to the next level then you should move on or stay in this limbo and not complain about it. Because it's not going to change for the better.
KraftDinner Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I for one don't think he's in love with his ex, and I don't think you should worry so much about others saying that because it's just a theory and it doesn't matter anyway. What matters is what you know for sure: - he treats you like garbage - he knows you'll take whatever he dishes out - YOU are now worrying about gaining respect back from HIM and that's severely messed up, confused_female. The only way you'd gain any respect from him would be if you stopped being a doormat and left his azz. But don't do that just to get his respect; the minute you start letting him in again, he'd know he had control again and the 'respect' would vanish. Question: if he keeps insisting that y'all move to where he wants to go, and he needs you to sign lease/mortgage papers, will you do it? Be honest.
Author confused_female Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Kraftdinner - No I would not. That I'm not budging on. As much as it kills me, I'm not. He would have to figure that out on his own. I made my compromise and I'm sticking to it. Again, if we were married it'd be a totally different story but I'm not moving almost an hour away from my family, where I work, where my daughter's college is because he won't compromise. Is that wrong? Should I be more flexible?
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Is that wrong? Should I be more flexible? No! Stop questioning yourself all the time please 2
KraftDinner Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 And in answer to your thread title: no, he will never commit. He thinks you're stuck on him and he can do whatever he wants and you'll let him. And yes, you are wasting your life. Leaving after 5 years is hard. You know what's worse? Leaving after 9 years, like I did. It's a pity we can't learn from each other's mistakes. I know it's so much easier to say than do, and some people don't seem to get that, I agree. It's not simple, but know this: there are no two ways about it -- you will NEVER get what you need/want/deserve from this guy. You should detach. You don't need to pack a bag today if you decide that you agree with the consensus here that you deserve better. Step one: open your eyes to reality. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. 2
e40 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Obviously, I am co-dependent and insecure because I haven’t left yet but at the same token I truly do love this man. With everything in me. It’s not easy. I’m taking the right steps to get help though as I’m here seeking advice, however, it’s not going to be an overnight fix. I need to gain the strength to do so. So many of you are like JUST DO ITand the truth is I can’t at this very second. He's been hurt and damaged as well so of course he has his issues and because of his mom abusing him and his ex wife, rightfully so. I'm sorry that I'm not a mean person and feels that everyone deserves to be loved, regardless. I’m also making sure that I’ve tried every option before I move on. With that said, he respected me until I made him lose it. So how do I gain that back? Is it too late to turn the tables? I really would like to know. Trying every option before you move on is a very poor idea. You've stayed way too long as it is. You can't change a narcissist and being nice to a narcissist and loving a narcissist unconditionally makes him worse. Much worse. He did not respect you. He manipulated you. If you cantinue on trying to fix him, you just may end up in an abusive marriage with him in a few years. Is that the life you want to live? It's your decision.
StanMusial Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Next time you do his laundry, hastily stuff his clothes into a laundry basket. Then take a dump right on top of his clothes. When he complains, say "well there's more where that came from if you don't shape up". 1
BetheButterfly Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Kraftdinner - No I would not. That I'm not budging on. As much as it kills me, I'm not. He would have to figure that out on his own. I made my compromise and I'm sticking to it. Again, if we were married it'd be a totally different story but I'm not moving almost an hour away from my family, where I work, where my daughter's college is because he won't compromise. Is that wrong? Should I be more flexible? Your story makes me so sad. I don't understand why you want to marry this man. He doesn't sound at all like he would be a loving husband to you at this stage of his life. Please consider the following, which are warning signs that he is not the kind of man that a wise woman would like to marry: 1. He does not want to even talk about marrying you. Is it wise to try to force a man to marry you when he doesn't even want to talk about it? To me, that is a huge warning sign. 2. He is hooked on drugs and alcohol. Sad to say, many people who are enslaved to drugs and/or alcohol value their addictions more than the people they say they love. For example, my Papaw (Mom's Dad) suffered through having an alcoholic father who would beat his Mom and brothers. His parents did not have a loving marriage at all. His Mom didn't even go to his Dad's funeral because she was so hurt and angry at him for all the times he abused her. Do you really want to marry a guy who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, and prefers them over talking with you??? Do you value yourself so little? 3. He has no interest in hearing and respecting your feelings and desires. People are diverse and disagree on many things, but it is not wise to marry a man who does not care about your feelings and desires. That is a huge red flag and I do not understand why you would want to marry a man who doesn't care about what you care about and who tries to make you feel bad for your feelings and your desire to marry him. This man is just going to bring you down. Even if he "relents" and marries you, it's not going to be a beautiful and healthy, loving relationship. You can't force a person to love you and commit to you. That's not how healthy, loving relationships work. Rather, a person freely decides to love and commit, but this man obviously has no desire to commit or even talk about it. My advice is to leave him. I know it's hard and you "love" him, but love doesn't mean being a doormat. I personally believe he has manipulated you and instead of truly loving you, is rather using you and is lying about loving you. 1
BetheButterfly Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 It's a manipulative tactic, meant to do EXACTLY what it did. Make you confused, throw you off-track, and make YOU into the bad guy. Look... this guy is a game-player. He's selfish. Narcissistic. Disrespectful. Agreed When a guy cuts you down for wanting to marry him (commit to him and him committing to you) that shows he does not truly care about you. I'm sorry. That's so sad that he's playing with your mind.
xxoo Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 When he refuses to compromise, he is telling you that he values those things more than he values you/your relationship. He's going to move to the neighborhood where his children are. You can move with him, or not, but that's up to you. He's moving there. He doesn't want to marry you. You can stay with him, or not, but that's up to you. That's why he says there is "nothing to talk about". What you want doesn't matter. He's not going change any of his plans to keep you. Can you see how incredibly far that is from considering you an important part of his future? 1
Author confused_female Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Everyone – I want to reiterate that he has discussed marriage with me. The conversation right now is about our living situation and the reason I brought up marriage was to state that IF we were married it would be an easier decision for me to do what he wants but we’re not so I don’t want to commit to what he is wanting to do without that. We’ve talked about it and he has said yes, marriage but he can’t financially afford a ring at the moment.This conversation has been mostly about living in a certain city and our disagreement about that.
Emilia Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Everyone – I want to reiterate that he has discussed marriage with me. The conversation right now is about our living situation and the reason I brought up marriage was to state that IF we were married it would be an easier decision for me to do what he wants but we’re not so I don’t want to commit to what he is wanting to do without that. We’ve talked about it and he has said yes, marriage but he can’t financially afford a ring at the moment.This conversation has been mostly about living in a certain city and our disagreement about that. So you don't think it's someone's actions that you should watch rather than his words. I can promise you a million dollars but it doesn't mean I have the slightest intention of delivering it. 2
Treasa Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Last I checked, a ring wasn't a requirement to be engaged. Why are you still defending him? HE ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE. Nothing you do or say will make him start treating you better, realize how great you are, etc. Please please PLEASE trust me on this one. OMG. I went through this with two different guys. Please don't waste all the years that I wasted!! 1
xxoo Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married. You don't need a ring, or a wedding. The real puzzler is why you want to marry him???? This guy is selfish, and he doesn't value you. If I were you, I'd get some therapy. Try to figure out why you picked a guy like this. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married. You don't need a ring, or a wedding. The real puzzler is why you want to marry him???? This guy is selfish, and he doesn't value you. If I were you, I'd get some therapy. Try to figure out why you picked a guy like this. This is correct. Emotionally healthy people don't date people like this. Something in you was already broken before he came along. And it still is.
Recommended Posts