Author confused_female Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 He hasn't had to have been with me for four years. I gave him an out yesterday. Why didn't he take it? I know that being with his children is all that he wants but he CAN'T DO THAT. So is he going to be unhappy forever? Watch numerous women walk out of his life because of that? I think he needs major help/counseling. He'll never get anywhere in life as long as he holds onto guilt, resentment, grudges, bitterness, etc. He'll never make any woman happy unless he's with his children full time. I'm starting to despise him.
shayla Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 To me it looks like passive agressive mind games. You do not need more evidence that this man only wants what's good for himself. You do not need more evidence that this man is not going to marry you or give you any more than what you have now. It is up to you to decide what you want for yourself. If you want to settle down and have a family life that is satisfying for you, find another man. Good luck 1
Emilia Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 He hasn't had to have been with me for four years. I gave him an out yesterday. Why didn't he take it? What question. I'm guessing because he likes getting laid? I know that being with his children is all that he wants but he CAN'T DO THAT. So is he going to be unhappy forever? Watch numerous women walk out of his life because of that? Yes. I think he needs major help/counseling. He'll never get anywhere in life as long as he holds onto guilt, resentment, grudges, bitterness, etc. He'll never make any woman happy unless he's with his children full time. I'm starting to despise him. Not your job to fix him. You are not his mother. 3
shayla Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Get out of this and free yourself from this mess. There are men of quality out there and you are wasting your life on a loser that will never give you what you want. 1
KraftDinner Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 This sounds very familiar in a lot of ways as I've been through something very similar (minus the kids). I was with my ex for over 9 years and at first he talked marriage and then the subject was off-limits. I couldn't bring up any relationship talk without him getting mad! I would have done everything for him. He didn't have to do much for me at all, and what he did, he acted like he was so great to be doing it. He wasn't unemployed or anything and did better than I did so I didn't support him. But the common factor between you and me is that HE was in control, MY feelings didn't matter, I walked on eggshells in fear of his temper (it was a non-violent temper...he'd just grow so cold and I lived in fear of it). He also had substance issues. I broke up with him in 2011. I've now been with my new guy for a year (in two weeks!) And this has allowed me to realize the following: - anyone that loves you will care if you're unhappy. Therefore, he didn't love me or respect me. - anyone who feels they would be lost without you will want to commit. - if you care about someone you'd rather die than speak to them as if they are worthless. - I CAN and DID do way better! It's night and day! But I had to clear the decks of rubbish before I could get to the point where I could be ready for someone like my new love. I'm 39, btw! So same as you...as in, it's definitely not too late to find love! I clung to him because of our history. Well, I realized we still have that history, together or not. Honey, you do NOT like the way he makes you feel. He treats you like garbage and has NO respect for you. Show your daughter that it's not okay to let a man treat you like that. If you're like I was, you probably feel afraid of letting go, the unknown, etc. But it's almost 100 per cent guaranteed that you can only do better without him. If you're like I was, your self esteem is in the dumps and you feel like you need him to change for you to make you feel better. He won't, and you don't. He believes you can't live without him. Don't you believe that. But he'll treat you like crap because you're letting him. It's not going to stop. Ever. Dump him. Sorry, but don't waste another 4 years like I did. Btw, not all men take advantage of a nice woman. My boyfriend becomes more giving and giving the more I take care of him. You need someone like this. End it. Believe me, the pain of a breakup will hurt less (and last a much shorter time) than what you're choosing your life to be. 4
Author confused_female Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Yes, I have to put my big girl panties on and move on. I know it's going to hurt like hell but I have no choice. I feel so dumb. A beautiful, smart, LOVING unconditionally and selfless woman was used and abused by a man who give two you know what's. And my self esteem is SHOT because of all of this. I don't even like myself anymore. I'm truly traumatized. My heart hurts more than I can ever explain. Like literally hurts.
Emilia Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I feel so dumb. A beautiful, smart, LOVING unconditionally and selfless woman was used and abused by a man who give two you know what's. Next time you have to be more careful whom you give your unconditional love to. Sorry but that's the moral of the story. Just because you are 'selfless' (not sure that's a good thing?) it doesn't mean the other person will be too. 1
StarsOnFire Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 "“I don’t ever want to look at things the way you look at them”. I said what is that supposed to mean? He said I know how you talk and think and I don’t ever want to think like you do. So evil and mean. " Step back for a second. Do YOU want to be with a man who thinks this of you? You deserve better. You deserve someone who doesn't think you're evil and mean. Marriage will not change his thoughts, marriage will only make you feel more stuck with him than you do now. I've been in a relationship with a guy like that, and I know it's hard to see it while you in it, but he will never treat you how you want and deserve to be treated. He's had FIVE years to man up, instead he tells you what I quoted above. I'm sorry, but from this post, I don't think he is someone who deserves your love & devotion. Good luck with whatever you decide, I hope you find happiness. 1
Author confused_female Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Thanks everyone - I know that I don't want to be with a person like that. I know that I haven't been the most positive person this entire relationship but I just don't get why he would look at me through eyes like that when I'm good? Is it because he hates women? Like all I've done is be good to him, and have wanted to "talk" occasionally about my future. It's really bizarre to me and hit hurts like heck. I'm taking so much of this personally.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I think you need to realize that in the end it was more about him than it ever was about you....you were someone there for him, to cradle, support and encourage him to move on and helped the cry baby get through his emotional marriage because of his own personal marital issues. That was his to own, not yours. However you also chose that role...you began a relationship with a man that was still married....which IMO says something about his character especially at the fact that you had to actually press the issue. You chose to be someone there who was emotionally unavailable because he was going through his own marital problems...not looking for a relationship, you were a distraction and an escape, someone that gave him something that was lacking in his marriage...in a way you took advantage of that by soaking in that emotion during his distress...and he in turn used you since you made yourself available...and I'm not even saying he wasn't the one pursuing you and pushing you, you should have known better, done better and made better choices for YOURSELF, then you'd never have been in this situation in the first place...you would have recognized it was all bad...but that's the past as so many like to say. I think it was your negligence for what you were giving and receiving, you went above and beyond for him because you loved him, not even paying attention to the balance or his invest, you recognized his issues and faults yet you continued on..did you really think things would magically change? are you a naive child?...you just gave gave gave, expecting that one day it would earn you the man. You don't earn men love that way and for anyone who believes that giving someone something because THEY feel it and want to give it and yet expect that in return is delusional...that person makes that choice, not you, it's either there or it is not...you shouldn't have to bribe, convince or coax someone with perfect "loving" just to get something in return....think about how ridiculous of a philosophy that is using your right mind. Yet that's what you do in the throws of emotions, it's easy to get yourself into a bad one-sided situation. But I wouldn't blame the other person, you can't control what they do and they never held a gun to your head...you always had a choice, as long as you feel your emotions are a good enough reason to make any mistakes or choices then you accept full responsibility of being hurt and blind-sided in this life. Sure the world shouldn't be that way...people shouldn't be selfish...people should take advantage of and break the other persons heart but that's what people do...because people have issues, insecurities and their own emotions that blind them to the truth, in a way they are in as much denial as you are...they don't see the bigger picture and what is really taking place, they have their own opinion formed on their own feelings. He never felt he owed you anything, you gave it all to him willingly...he never asked or expected it, and that's what he tell you. You gave because of the potential and "good parts of the man"...If I had a dime every time I heard that one, but whether a person has good parts or not doesn't make them the ideal romantic partner, they have to love you back before all the rest can even be considering, without the mutual emotions you were trying to build a house out of water, there wasn't enough substance to keep it together in the first place...but you kept throwing things into it anyway hoping something would stick. You gave him a perfect situation, as soon as he feels in control and satisfied with his life he will move past you....unless he feels that his only and best option is to stay with you...maybe for his kids and out of convenience...but this dildo is still in love with his ex, he's still not over what happened and that's another reason you can't enter his heart...somebody is already there, and he never faced and dealt with the issues he had....he was never ready for a relationship...you were a rebound, a comforting soul in his moments of despair, you have helped him and he owes you a lot of that, you sound like a good woman in your own right, but you made some very stupid childish mistakes IMO....it's not about being a "good woman" alone, you've got to respect yourself, you can't treat yourself like a 2nd or third place and expect 1st...what about how you feel respect and love yourself? are you nothing without the validation of a confused emotional man? if so...you're in a lot of trouble. Get out of this situation...because even if he settled for this, you forced him into a corner and because of his selfishness that is why he won't let you go. But you didn't win anything, accept the loss and find someone who has way more to give because you'll never get what you're looking for from this guy...he's typical, there's plenty of them out there if you want one like him...stop convincing yourself that he's the one. 2
Treasa Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Who cares what he is thinking or feeling? The fact is that he's narcissistic, only cares about himself and, to some degree, his kids, and he gets high with young ones around? Wow, loser doesn't even begin to describe him. Stop questioning yourself, stop questioning him. Like you, I gave away too much of myself and loved unconditionally. And I was freaking miserable, as I was treated like a doormat. My current boyfriend would never say a single one of these things to me. He tells me every day how amazing I am, how much he wants to be with me, and how he just wants to make me happy and have us have fun together. We don't fight. We treat each other with respect. I also happen not to be a doormat anymore, so I wouldn't even get involved with a guy who would treat me poorly to begin with. You need to get the hell away from this loser. All he's doing is gaslighting you by making you blame yourself and question yourself, and the 'surprise' thing is a manipulation/control tactic. Don't fall for it. Tell him to shove his surprise up his ass and then leave. Don't even say things like, "I'll always love you, but this isn't working, blah blah blah." Just tell him, "Yeah, I'm out of here. Don't ever contact me again." 1
Author confused_female Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Thanks everyone - I'm so happy I found this site. Don't know what I'd do without it at this point. I'm feeling stronger. I am taking personally, however, the fact that he views me like I'm a bad person? As if my esteem isn't bad enough. Have any of you been through that and know why this would happen? Do you think because he hates women because of his ex? Also, his mom was very abusive to him when growing up so he may just hate women, period.
CarrieT Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Do you think because he hates women because of his ex? Also, his mom was very abusive to him when growing up so he may just hate women, period. Honestly, why exert so much energy to try and figure this out? What does it matter in the long run? You need to look at the entire framework of how he has treated YOU and not what motivates him - because you cannot fix him! Stop trying! I know you want to. You are kind and generous and want to see the good in him to find that smidgen of hope to hold onto and build something positive, but it is too late. As you said, put on your Big Girl pants and start getting your ducks in a row to move on without him. You'll be fine and - before you know it - you will be finding love again with someone worthy... 5
pteromom Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Then he mentioned that I ruined a surprise and can’t just go with the flow. What is that supposed to mean? It's a manipulative tactic, meant to do EXACTLY what it did. Make you confused, throw you off-track, and make YOU into the bad guy. Look... this guy is a game-player. He's selfish. Narcissistic. Disrespectful. He is NEVER NEVER NEVER going to be who you want him to be or who you think he is underneath this angry mean person. This is the real him. You need to get the hell out of there and never look back. 2
pteromom Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) I am taking personally, however, the fact that he views me like I'm a bad person? He doesn't. This too is a manipulative tactic. He is being emotionally abusive when he does it. If he tells you to "Stop yelling!" when you aren't yelling, he gets you to shut up, to apologize, to stop being aggressive toward him, and instead start doubting yourself. If he calls you mean and evil, same thing. He's succeeded in turning your focus back to yourself instead of to him. Have any of you been through that and know why this would happen? Because of this: Also, his mom was very abusive to him when growing up so he may just hate women, period.I am gonna once again, post the two realities thing. Because it helped me understand the two types of people it describes. In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans proposes two distinct realities that abusers and their victims experience. People in Reality 1 experience every situation, conversation, or interaction as having a winner and a loser. There is nothing in between; therefore, if you are not clearly the winner (being dominant) you must have lost. To lose is to be powerless and weak, a terrible feeling to be avoided at all cost. Reality 1 people have learned that life is this way at the hands of Reality 1 parents or caretakers. Since no one stepped up to say that this was wrong, long standing anger and resentment have hidden inside, only to resurface years later when the now grown individual has power over others, usually women or children. Unfortunately, this prevents real relationships. The other reality, referred to as Reality 2, requires connection to feelings. Feelings are used to know who we are, what is important, and what we need. Reality 2 people have personal power and expect everyone else to have personal power as well. In Reality 2, mutuality is the name of the game. Cooperation in a mutually created win-win world is the primary goal. In order to have a Reality 2 relationship, both people must want it that way. If one person lives in a Reality 1 world, mutuality is impossible. Living in Reality 2 requires high levels of self-esteem and high levels of trust. It requires connection with feelings, also known as emotional intelligence. In real life, relationships span a continuum between the extremes of Reality 1 and Reality 2. If we are to eliminate relationships in which one person uses verbal abuse to keep control, we must teach recognition of dominance behaviors. Children must be raised in environments that model Reality 2 and prepares them for Reality 2 adult relationships. It must be common knowledge that verbal abuse is simply a means of keeping control and power over another. I *highly* recommend that book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, for you. You'll understand a lot of the tactics this guy is using with you. His view of the relationship is not and will never be one of mutuality. For him, it isn't about working with you to make you both happy. It's about controlling you so that HE gets what HE wants. And why WOULD he take an "out"? He is getting exactly what *he* wants in this relationship. Sex. Someone to care for him. Someone to care for the house. Someone with good credit that will be able to get the house he wants for him. Someone who is easy to manipulate so he can have what he wants Edited February 21, 2013 by pteromom 3
USCGAviator Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 You say you started seeing him when he was separated. The man has to be heal and learn to be happy alone before he can be happy with someone. Brownie n beer therapy is not recommended.
Author confused_female Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 He was separated from her for an entire year and a half before he started dating me. They lived together, however, she was with another man. Not sure if that makes a difference.
truth_seeker Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 My thing is this: If you're in a relationship with someone for a year, you should know where's it going. A) Marriage B) Dating until someone else comes along or you run your course. Not sure if there is a survey out there but I think relationships (marriages) that go the distance, people got married within 6 months to year and a half after meeting each other over people who dated 2-3 years or more before getting married.
FitChick Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I had a flashback to my childhood when I read that you had "ruined the surprise." When I was a kid, I used to say the same thing to my younger sister when she wouldn't do what I said and I wanted to get my own way. There was no surprise! Since your boyfriend sounds as childish as I was then, that would be my guess. Does he owe you any money? Get that before he or you leaves. I wonder if his wanting to move across the street from his ex and her new husband is to torment them, not for his children's sake, although that is a good excuse and makes him look like a good guy. I hate Dr. Phil but he has one saying that is so true: "We teach people how to treat us."
Author confused_female Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 Good points everyone - I know I shouldn't be asking why. Again, it's a personal thing and wondering if he'll be better to the next person. I know that it shouldn't matter but because I'm so invested and self esteem is so shot I just wonder. There are so many what if's. I, after this, will remain single for a while. Which is sort of scary considering my age. 38 is no young spring chicken ya know! Do you think he will be?
pteromom Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Good points everyone - I know I shouldn't be asking why. Again, it's a personal thing and wondering if he'll be better to the next person. I'm sure he will be - for a while. Until he has her hooked. And I'm sure he'll make a big show of how good he is to her too, if he knows you are watching. You have to quit worrying about what HE is doing, and focus on yourself. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Good points everyone - I know I shouldn't be asking why. Again, it's a personal thing and wondering if he'll be better to the next person. I know that it shouldn't matter but because I'm so invested and self esteem is so shot I just wonder. There are so many what if's. I, after this, will remain single for a while. Which is sort of scary considering my age. 38 is no young spring chicken ya know! Do you think he will be? Who cares. And if he's not, you can feel sorry FOR HER. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I acknowledge your pain and your grief, but right now you need to shutdown your emotions because it's the one thing that will backfire on you and make you go back to him. For one, you need to stop obsessing over the whys and focus your attention on your next moves. More than anything, as a role model to your daughter, you need to move out of the apartment you share with the guy. Start finding a new place to live and minimize any sort of contact with him- be it physical or mental. If you're clinging to ultimatums, I can tell you right now, it's not going to work. It's never going to work. His need for commitment disappeared four years ago. Again, don't question why, the answers may not be enough to help you. You need to talk to those close to you and look to them for support. More than anything, you have to accept that there's no saving this relationship.
Treasa Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 UGH. Why have you wasted 5 years of your life on this loser? Sorry, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. The loser has crap credit, he uses you as his freakin chauffeur because he can't even manage his pitiful life well enough to make monthly car payments and NOT have his car repo'd, and the moron wants to live across the street from his ex-wife - and THAT would probably be because he can't friggen DRIVE to pick up his own kids for visitation. That, or he's bucking for 50% visitation so he doesn't have to pay child support anymore. Funny how he manages to have his juvenile 'spiked brownies' and beer around whenever he wants it, but can't pay a damned car loan to save his miserable life. And of course, it's very obvious you're the house slave and the one who no doubt does 95% of the work when his kids come for their weekend visits. So, not only do you get to do 95% of the housecleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, and driving, it would appear you ALSO are the primary breadwinner and bill payer, as well. It's pretty apparent that if it were up to him to provide for you and pay the bills, you'd no doubt be out on the streets for non-payment of your rent, your car would have been repossessed by now, and various delinquency agencies would be hounding you left and right to pay up your debts. What a prince. And I'm SO sure his ex-wife and her new husband want this loser living across the street from them. Sounds to me as though she couldn't stand the jack-hole and decided to cheat on him in order to drop his sorry ass and get the hell out of the marriage. Can't say I blame her. And for the love of God, STOP with the marriage talk to this cretin. He brings NOTHING - I repeat, NOTHING - to the table at all. Let the ass move to where he wants. See how far he gets when no decent apartment complex will approve a lease for him and no mortgage lender will give him enough to buy a cardboard box to live in under the highway underpass at the edge of town. The stupid bigmouth just makes himself look more and more like a complete asshat telling you it's his way or the highway. For loser boy, it WILL be the highway because he'll be living a box right under it. Jesus, aim HIGHER. Please. Best post I have seen in a long time.
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