Will he ever commit fully? Or am I wasting my life?

[confused_female]

Hello – New to the board here. I’ve been following for quite some time and this is just the place that I know I can come to for sound advice. I find great comfort in knowing that. I will try to make this as short, sweet and simple as possible although my situation is a bit complicated.

 

I’m 38, have a 19 year old daughter and he is 37 with two small daughters from a previous marriage. We have lived together for going on five years in September. Things happened rather quickly for us. He was separated when we got together and just finalized their divorce last year. Now,I’m wife material. Want nothing more than to settle down. I love and I love unconditionally and selflessly. I’m amazing to him and his children. Am more than a stepmom and live in “pretend” wife. I’m ready for commitment and for marriage and would like to know where our future is headed. It’s been long enough in where he should know, right?

 

Well, it’s been rather difficult with him. Every time I bring up the subject of marriage he won’t discuss it in lots of detail and I have to argue to get ANYTHING out of him. He says different things at different times. That if he could be engaged to me right now he would and that he does have intentions of marrying me, however, he can’t afford to buy a ring. Sometimes he says that marriage is just a piece of paper, why can’t I just be content with how it is? When I tell him that I at least would like some form of commitment, maybe a ring he goes on to say how is that showing commitment?

 

Our lease is up in June and I’m wanting to buy or rent in a more “home” type of environment as we live in an apartment now. He wants to move to the city that hisdaughters live in which is a ½ hour away from where we live now. It’s a bit too far for me from my family, my daughter’s college, my job, etc. so I’m willing to COMPROMISE on somewhere in between. Well, when we picked up his daughters last Friday I wanted to have the “talk” as it’s been weighing on my mind heavily. I asked him if he was open to compromising in moving to somewhere which is middle ground for both of us and he said that he has his mind set on where he wants to move and that’s all to it. That he really doesn’t want to compromise. That HE has a goal. I told him that he’s in a relationship and his goals should be about US and not only him. That if he has single minded goals that maybe he should be single. He asked “why do you want to talk about this now” and I responded with because you NEVER want to discuss our future and every time we pick up the girls and we “play” family thoughts of my future come in and where we’re headed. I do all of this and I have nothing to show for it. So he told me “there is a time and place for everything, why must you force me to talk?” so I let it go. I said can you please promise to talk to me this week? He said yes. Now that was HUGE as he is super proud and stubborn, spoiled and won’t do anything if he feels “forced” to.

 

 

Well, yesterday it weighed heavily on my mind and I was hoping to talk with him. I actually planned my entire day trying to figure out the best way to bring it up. Hoping I’d get more of a positive response. He does extra curriculars and when I say that I mean, drink beers every other day and he smokes marijuana on a daily basis. Yesterday, when I was getting ready to approach him I asked him first if he ate a special brownie that I knew he had and he said yes. I said bummer, I was hoping to talk to you tonight. He said, why do you need to talk now? Do you need to be such a Debbie Downer when you know I’m high? Now is not the time. So I got really upset. I said WHEN is the time?!I’ve been wanting to talk to you for the longest time and it’s NEVER the time. He said that I force him to talk and that I expect him to say what I want to hear when I want to hear it. I said that’s not true. You can NEVER talk about anything that is important to ME. After four years and going on five years I deserve a conversation about where your thoughts are regarding the future. I told him that it can’t be his way or the highway every time. So his response was “yes it is though, with this situation it is”. So I told him that’s your answer? You won’t even discuss with me? I’m so tired of living as a wife, being such a wonderful woman to you and your children and you can’t even respect me enough or love me enough to talk to me about something that is so important to me? Your spiked brownies and beers are your priority? He said that if I would have waited till later in the evening that we could talk. So I said ok, we’ll talk later. He said never mind, that I spent my dime bitching him out and that I ruined my chance to talk. Now, I didn’t even say or do anything bad! How can I be punished for wanting to have an adult conversation?

 

 

I lost it. Started sobbing uncontrollably. I told him thatI didn’t want this anymore. That if he doesn’t see a future for us to let me know so I can move on! He said that I could have waited. That he promised to talk to me this week and it was only Tuesday. I told him that it doesn’thave to be on his terms. I spend my LIFE living on his terms. I told him “can’t you see that I’m hurting that you don’t want to talk to me about anythingimportant to me?” He said why can’t you just let nature take its course? I said because it’s been years already and you NEVER talk!

 

I know that he is bitter and resentful as his ex wife cheated on him and left him for another man and is now re-married. I know that he gave her the WORLD. Did everything SHE WANTED and he is bitter and resentful for that but why do I, as the GOOD woman have to suffer for what she did to him? I deserve everything that he gave her and I get the crap end of the stick?

 

I have sacrificed A LOT for this man. I have provided so much to him. The lease is in my name, his car was repo’d six months ago so he uses my car and I play chauffer, etc. I’ve moved in the last four years to every area he’s wanted to live in. His credit is shot due to bankruptcy and her car was in his name and she let that get repo’d as well as his current rep so he’s screwed there. I’ve been patient and tried to help him get his life together and he gets upset every time we have to talk about finances.

 

He is very strong minded and won’t budge. It’s his way or the highway. Now, with all that I am to him WHY can’t I get a conversation?

 

Now, I get that he wants to be closer to his daughters and that’s important to him but according to him he only wants to rent where they are in case his ex wife decides to move with them. She is remarried but has never been faithful to any man so I don’t see her staying in one place for long. Now, I don’t want to spend my life bouncing from home to home in order to follow her and his children around. I want to find my forever home and set a foundation for MY daughter and for my future grandchildren. I’m willing to compromise for this man meeting him halfway and he won’t do that for me.

 

We’re in a relationship and a couple. It’s about meeting halfway and having mutual decisions. IF we were married the conversation and my needs would be very different and I’d be more willing to do what he wants but the truth is he hasn’t even put a ring on it and won’t even discuss it with me without me having to fight it out of him. Why should I sacrifice what I want because it’s his way or the highway?

 

I’m just so drained and am honestly beyond depressed right now. I love this man so very much. There is so much invested. Our children, his family, my family,etc. Why can’t he meet me halfway and give me what I want? Why the stubbornness and pride?

 

His sisters even tell me that he’s very spoiled and narcissistic.

 

It hurts that he is so unwilling to open up to me (which I get that he may be stubborn because he was hurt and a wall is up) but he’s going to lose the greatest thing that has happened to him because of his “my way or the highway” mentality.

 

I feel so used. Like he’s just with me because I’m a convenience. He has a live in maid, cook, babysitter and a good role model for his children. I’m an attractive woman with a good job, a good head on her shoulders, want to settle down and have a good life. I feel so taken for granted

 

I just want to know if I’m wrong? Am I being too impatient? Should I let “nature take its course”? Will he ever budge? Am I wasting my time? Should I move on? Should I not require marriage from him?

 

The thought of moving on really breaks my heart because I am 150% madly in love with him and in it for the long run

 

Just feel like I’m going crazy and don’t even know what is right or wrong anymore.

 

I’m sorry for the lengthiness but I’m providing as many details as possible. I look forward to hearing from some of you and I thank you in advance.

[confused_female]

Thank you MJWasHere. Yes, this is all a struggle and sometimes I think pride because I just don't understand how he was so good to his ex, who cheated, who screwed him over so badly.

 

He still has more respect for her than he does me and it makes me ill. I'm the good one who should have gotten all of that.

 

It makes me nauseous knowing that he will probably change for someone else and give them everything that I ever wanted. When I'm the one who deserved it.

 

Do you think he will change? Am I nuts for thinking that?

 

Do I issue an ultimatum? A real one? Because he's always told me that he doesn't do well with ultimatums so I've always been afraid to give him one.

 

Do you think this is just who he is? I get nervous that I’ll hear not too long from now that he’s settled down and married to another woman. The thought of that crushes me.

 

I’m sorry I’m just so down in the dumps right now. Almost didn’t make it in to work today.

[Sunfire73]

This is tough, but I don't see a good future with you with this guy. You have to move on. Yeah, 5 yrs, but you're still young and you can start again. He's in the best situation so he won't change a thing, you have catered to his terms for 5 yrs. I think he hasn't got over his ex yet, or his marriage, so he can't commit to you. You started early with him as his rebound or transition wife, and got stuck... want things to progress, but unfortunately he doesn't. He has to fix himself first and the only way to do that is to leave him. You have to find yourself as well, love yourself, learn from this and move on.

[pbjbear]

Im sorry but leave him. He does not want to get married and he will continue to use you for as long as you let him. I can only imagine how much it hurts (5 years together...) but you can do it. You can find a guy who doesnt act like this

[confused_female]

He married her because she got pregnant. According to him, she cheated and left him and she wanted to work it out and he didn't. I do speak with her and she did confirm that she cheated on him and wants nothing to do with him.

 

Not sure what to believe.

 

There was one other girl before me that he dated and left her to be with me so I don't think I'm the first rebound girl. Just the girl he "settled down" with.

 

If he's not serious why include me as a "family member" to his family, etc.? He spends all of his time with me, etc.

 

Do you think he's just afraid of getting hurt again so he's emotionally just scared?

 

I feel like he respects her because she puts her foot down to him. She has control because of the kids, etc.

 

She was also very abusive to him. She cheated for the entire time they were together. They separated almost two years before he got with me so they weren't even in a relationship. Just holding on for the kids. She didn't want him though.

 

Where I'm more of a doormat who sticks by his side because of unconditional love for him but that has gotten me nowhere.

 

Do you think a 180 or what do I need to do in order to get respect again? For him to look at me seriously?

[pbjbear]

 

 

Where I'm more of a doormat who sticks by his side because of unconditional love for him but that has gotten me nowhere.

 

Do you think a 180 or what do I need to do in order to get respect again? For him to look at me seriously?

 

Unconditional love has no place in a romantic relationship. Men treat you with the level of respect you DEMAND not what you DESERVE (Trying to think who on this forum has that quote in their profile so I can credit them...its 100% true)

 

Being a doormat and unconditional love leads you to being walked all over, disrepected and used. Very few people exist in this world who wouldnt take advantage of that.

 

A 180 would be needed to gain respect. However, I think its not worth it based on his other behaviors. Its not like its a super great relationship where he just wont commit...why DO you want a crappy boyfriend to commit to you? How would you rate your self esteem???

[Otty]

This is what is so frustrating to many men. For men who are kind, interesting, educated, employed and generally have their lives together, it is frustrating to not be able to find quality, available women and yet men like the one described in this thread have multiple opportunities for a relationship.

[clia]

i’m 38, have a 19 year old daughter and he is 37 with two small daughters from a previous marriage. We have lived together for going on five years in September. Things happened rather quickly for us. He was separated when we got together and just finalized their divorce last year.

 

Why did it take so long to finalize his divorce?

 

Reading your post, I don't get it. Why do you want to commit the rest of your life to this man:

 

He does extra curriculars and when I say that I mean, drink beers every other day and he smokes marijuana on a daily basis.

 

I know that he is bitter and resentful

 

I have sacrificed A LOT for this man. I have provided so much to him. The lease is in my name, his car was repo’d six months ago so he uses my car and I play chauffer, etc. I’ve moved in the last four years to every area he’s wanted to live in. His credit is shot due to bankruptcy and her car was in his name and she let that get repo’d as well as his current rep so he’s screwed there.

 

He is very strong minded and won’t budge. It’s his way or the highway.

 

I’m just so drained and am honestly beyond depressed right now.

 

His sisters even tell me that he’s very spoiled and narcissistic.

 

I feel so used. Like he’s just with me because I’m a convenience. He has a live in maid, cook, babysitter and a good role model for his children. I’m an attractive woman with a good job, a good head on her shoulders, want to settle down and have a good life. I feel so taken for granted

 

Do you just want to be married? Why would you want to live like this forever?

[Quiet Storm]

What specific character traits do you respect, admire and love about him?

 

"I love the way he makes me feel" doesn't count.

[confused_female]

Yes, I do love the way he makes me feel. He can be so good when he's good. Treats me well.

 

And thanks to EVERYONE, you're all helping so much. I want to reiterate that the main conversation right now was the living situation and how he won't budge or meet halfway or care to discuss it. This has been what is driving me crazy. The fact that he won't talk. The fact that it's not 50/50.

 

Do you know that he even wanted to rent/or rent to own the house directly across the street from where his ex and her new husband lives? How awkward would that be? I'm sure she doesn't want him there. Secondly, how is he going to get approved for a place like that? LIke I feel like he's living in la la land.

 

So right now the main point of argument is where we will life in June and I mentioned the marriage thing because it would be easier for me to want to do what he wants to do if I were his wife but I'm not so why should I budge? Confom to what he wants and move from home to home, town to town following her and his children because his ex can't keep her legs closed?

 

That's why this argument has come up. Because he won't even let me discuss my side of things.

[FitChick]

I don't care how long someone has been separated, whether they have a good or bad relationship with their ex or not. You have to "reset the clock" once the divorce is final. Then wait two years before getting involved with someone like that. There is a psychological barrier they need to overcome as well as regaining some financial security. I know this from experience. Yes, there are exceptions but the odds are not in your favor.

[CarrieT]

I admit that I only scanned the OP, but saw "we argue" and read how much he smokes pot and drinks.

 

From that right there, I would walk away. Why do you want someone in your life with whom you have to argue your way through life and a man who can't seem to face life without substances.

 

You deserve better. Seriously.

[clia]

Do you know that he even wanted to rent/or rent to own the house directly across the street from where his ex and her new husband lives? How awkward would that be?

 

This makes it sound like he is still in love with her. Are you sure he isn't?

 

So right now the main point of argument is where we will life in June and I mentioned the marriage thing because it would be easier for me to want to do what he wants to do if I were his wife but I'm not so why should I budge?

 

I wouldn't if I were you. Let him move where he wants, and you live where you want to live. If the distance is only half an hour, that's nothing. You can still continue to see him whenever you want. Let him grow up and rent his own apartment.

 

I don't care how long someone has been separated, whether they have a good or bad relationship with their ex or not. You have to "reset the clock" once the divorce is final. Then wait two years before getting involved with someone like that. There is a psychological barrier they need to overcome as well as regaining some financial security. I know this from experience. Yes, there are exceptions but the odds are not in your favor.

 

This is exactly why I want to know why the divorce took so long. If OP has been living with him for almost five years and he just got divorced last year, that is a long, long divorce proceeding. Was it contentious? If so, I can't really blame him for not wanting to jump right into marriage again. But, you should've expected that considering he's been married for the majority of your relationship.

[confused_female]

He wants to move across the street because it's convienient for his children. I don't think because of her.

 

The divorce took place in 2011 and him and I started dating in 2008 going into 2009. So he was still married for the first two years of our relationship. He started the divorce process and got lazy. He didn't have the money. Then when she met her new victim, she wanted to rush and get married so she finalized it and paid for it herself.

[xpaperxcutx]

OP, you want to know why you got treated as a doormat? It's because you allowed him to. You said yourself, you are a beautiful, attractive woman, with a good, stable job and good credits, and yet, you are the one willingly clinging to a man, who we can only describe of as a " loser". What kind of role model is that he, that he still recreates with marijuana?

 

Wake up OP. The fact you became a surrogate wife and mother to both him and his children is because you willingly allowed it. You moved in with him and took up the role and it's only recently, 5 years down the road that you decided to cry foul.

 

The finalization of his marriage does not mean he wants to marry you. You are deluding yourself that it's merely a step in the process of getting yourself to the altar. This man, has never talked to you about marriage and he had not in the past in any way shape or form intended to marry you. You became the live-in maid by default because you took up the job to take care of him without even him asking. He doesn't appreciate you, nor does he respect you since you made it so easy for him to have you.

 

Once the lease is up, you take your child and you move out. You are financially stable and it seems like he got used to the habit of living off of you. Take away his dependency on you, and he'll start suffering. But that just proves one thing, he may love that you are financially there for him, and he's able to get his sexual needs frod you, but that does not mean he loves you; and it's time you stop wasting your time on him.

[Quiet Storm]

Yes, I do love the way he makes me feel. He can be so good when he's good. Treats me well.

 

And thanks to EVERYONE, you're all helping so much. I want to reiterate that the main conversation right now was the living situation and how he won't budge or meet halfway or care to discuss it. This has been what is driving me crazy. The fact that he won't talk. The fact that it's not 50/50.

 

Do you know that he even wanted to rent/or rent to own the house directly across the street from where his ex and her new husband lives? How awkward would that be? I'm sure she doesn't want him there. Secondly, how is he going to get approved for a place like that? LIke I feel like he's living in la la land.

 

So right now the main point of argument is where we will life in June and I mentioned the marriage thing because it would be easier for me to want to do what he wants to do if I were his wife but I'm not so why should I budge? Confom to what he wants and move from home to home, town to town following her and his children because his ex can't keep her legs closed?

 

That's why this argument has come up. Because he won't even let me discuss my side of things.

 

OK, I get that you love the way he makes you feel. But what specific character traits do you love about him? Do you love that he is honest, generous, compassionate, etc? What I am trying to get at here is that maybe you love the "idea" of him, but not actually him. You want to be married and be part of a family. He is playing that role for you right now. If you try to look at him objectively, without the bias of your "in love" feelings, what kind of person is he?

 

It sounds to me like he has already made up his mind about where he wants to live. The subject is not open for debate.

 

He has told you that he doesn't want to to compromise. He avoids the subject and gets angry at you for wanting to discuss it. As far as he is concerned, it's settled. You told him where you wanted to live, he did not agree, and told you that he is not willing to compromise.

 

You keep bringing it up because you did not get the answer you wanted. You want him to suddenly morph into a nice guy that considers your feelings, so you keep asking him for more "talks". This is only going to annoy him because from his perspective, he has already told you how he feels about this.

 

You need to accept what he is willing to give you, or move on. You want him to be considerate of your needs. You want him to listen when you talk. You want him to validate your feelings. These are valid needs, but he is not willing to do those things for you. You are understandably upset because you know that your feelings deserve consideration. You know he should make an effort to meet your needs.

 

Yes, I do think you are wasting your life with this guy. He has shown you and told you what he is willing to give. It is not enough for you. That means you are incompatible. You can sit around for five years and wait for him to magically turn into a caring & considerate man (pay attention to his sisters, they know the real him). Or you can decide that you deserve better and choose not to waste another year, month, day or minute on this guy.

 

Your post reads like you see yourself as a victim. You point out all you do for him, domestically, financially and otherwise. You know you deserve better, but you keep on doing things for him. This doesn't make you a victim. It makes you a volunteer.

[confused_female]

I'd like to add that when we first started dating all he talked about was marriage, how I was so much better than her, how he wishes he met me first, how he wishes I was the mother of his children. A few months in I even gave him an ultimatum then. Told him that I could not be serious with him unless he divorced and this is when HE started the divorce process. He got lazy with it though and poof..here I am.

 

I'd like to know if there is a way for him to learn to respect me again. If there is any hope? Any way to turn this around?

[Quiet Storm]

If his sisters say he is narcissistic, his attitude probably doesn't have anything to do with you or the relationship. It's just who he is. You either accept it, or move on.

[liquid_amber]

wow, i just happened to come upon your post and i can really relate. i just broke up with someone this past weekend for some of the same reasons, although for us the biggest reason was that we had so little in common, it was becoming more and more difficult for us to find common ground on anything. but for me, the other big HUGE reason is because i want to get married and i don't think he does. it wasn't something we talked about much in our 10-month relationship, but he never spoke in terms of a future for US. he talked a lot about HIS future, which includes moving out of state when he retires. but he never once mentioned me going with him, or us making a commitment like marriage. i am having a hard time with the whole thing right now, because even though we had so little in common and even though there didn't seem to be a future for us, we've spent all of our time together for the past 10 months and we've become so close. i find myself wondering if breaking up was a mistake. so believe me, i understand how hard this is for you. i completely understand why, after 5 years, you want a bigger commitment out of this man, and it doesn't sound to me like he takes it very seriously. i would suggest that you end it for now, and give it some time and see if anything changes. my thoughts are with you. it's so hard, believe me, i know.

[dj572]

Hey there. I'm new to the forum also. I read your story and as bad as I hate to say it you need to move on. I wish you the best of luck.

[confused_female]

Good morning everyone – I’ve been reading all of your responses and again, am so grateful for all of your input. You’re truly helping me put so much perspective to the situation. I can tell you all that I’m numb today. I picked him up from his best friend’s house yesterday after work and decided to bring it up again since he promised we’d talk this week, he knew how upset I was the other day and I figured we had time in the car to chat so why not? So I asked nicely. I said do you want to get ice cream, go park at the beach and talk? He just looked at me with a smirk. Didn’t even say a word. I said calmly “are you not even going to respond” and that was hard because I almost LOST it on him, in not a good way so I took a deep breath and waited. He said there really is nothing to say. What do you want me to say? I said just tell me what your thoughts are, what you’re thinking? He said that he doesn’t have anything different to say and that he wants to be a part of the girls lives every day and he can’t do that living 20 minutes from them, which is absolutely absurd to me by the way because I think its’ hard being 20 minutes away because of HIS laziness and lack of drive to do anything positive anymore it seems. I didn’t say that though and then he said“you wouldn’t be having this conversation with me if we were talking about your daughter?” and I said that’s where you’re wrong. I would make sure that it worked for EVERYONE, not just one person! That’s what being in a relationship and team is all about. I told him that our previous city was his choice and I went there and this is when they lived almost an hour away and I said I just don’t get why there is no compromise when I’ve sacrificed and lived like a wife and have done all that makes you happy. He said that I don’t have to do any of that stuff anymore. That hurt me so bad! Then I said I don’t get why you can’t see things through my eyes and he said “I don’t ever want to look at things the way you look at them”. I said what is that supposed to mean? He said I know how you talk and think and I don’t ever want to think like you do. So evil and mean. I said I don’t understand what you think of me and why you view me so poorly when I’ve done nothing to deserve that but I’m tired. This conversation should have gone with you saying we’ll take a look at houses together and go with the one that works for ALL of us. He said that he did say that about 3 months ago and he NEVER said that! If he did I’d never bring this conversation up. He said that he would prefer that I never talk about this again and that he wishes he had a mute button for me. Again, so mean. I said so are you telling me that you want a girl just sits there and takes what you give her and is never supposed to open her mouth about how she feels? He stayed quiet. I said did your ex wife never talk about anything with you? Or did she not HAVE to talk about anything with you because you gave her everything she wanted? He said that he was annoyed because he felt forced to talk and trapped in car and he said I was yelling when I never yelled. I was REALLY calm. He said all you ever want to do is talk. You can’t go with the flow and let things happen naturally. Then he said you really know how to mess up and ruin a surprise. So I said what is that supposed to mean? He stayed quiet so I said listen, you’re not going to say anything, this is IT! If you feel that you are not going to be able to give me what I want or care to give me what I want and you don’t see a future for us TELL ME NOW! I will walk out of your life forever at this VERY moment. He stayed quiet again, just looked at me so I said it again, I’m giving you an OUT! Be a mature adult, be honest and if you cannot do it TELL ME NOW. He stayed quiet so I called him a coward and said that I have some major thinking to do, that I’m done talking. He said you have been thinking and I said no, I mean I really have some MAJOR thinking to do. I’ve given you so many chances and left it at that .

 

So he was so mean and still is. Then he mentioned that I ruined a surprise and can’t just go with the flow. What is that supposed to mean? Was he planning on proposing and I ruined it now because I want to talk? I’m just so confused. Has he been mean about it because I just haven’t “let him” do things and all I ever want to do is talk?

 

I still don’t get the whole comment of I can never look at things through your eyes. Like I’m a bad person or something. Does he just seriously hate woman because of what she did? I feel like he blames me for what happened to him. Like I'm his punching bag.

 

He was crying like a baby yesterday after he hung up the phone with his daughters. I know that he takes the blame for the fall of his marriage because she cheated and he got physical with her. If she wouldn't have made him leave after that he would still have his "family" None of that is MY fault though.

 

 

Sorry for the lengthy email but that surprise comment just really threw me a curve ball.

 

Or is he playing mindgames? He has said three times now to let things happen naturally which is something he’s never said before

 

Can you guys tell me what youthink now? I’m really confused.

Edited February 21, 2013 by confused_female

[MidwestUSA]

I'd like to add that when we first started dating all he talked about was marriage, how I was so much better than her, how he wishes he met me first, how he wishes I was the mother of his children. A few months in I even gave him an ultimatum then. Told him that I could not be serious with him unless he divorced and this is when HE started the divorce process. He got lazy with it though and poof..here I am.

 

I'd like to know if there is a way for him to learn to respect me again. If there is any hope? Any way to turn this around?

 

You didn't enforce your ultimatum (not that I believe in them) then, what makes you think you are going to now? You have been involved with a MARRIED man for years. You're not only a 'volunteer', as someone else said, you're an enabler.

 

 

But the short answer is 'no' and 'no'. FitChick's two year rule is golden. You really believed all those 'sweet things' a MARRIED man told you?

[confused_female]

Good morning everyone – I’ve been reading all of your responses and again, am so grateful for all of your input. You’re truly helping me put so much perspective to the situation. I can tell you all that I’m numb today. I picked him up from his best friend’s house yesterday after work and decided to bring it up again since he promised we’d talk this week, he knew how upset I was the other day and I figured we had time in the car to chat so why not? So I asked nicely. I said do you want to get ice cream, go park at the beach and talk? He just looked at me with a smirk. Didn’t even say a word. I said calmly “are you not even going to respond” and that was hard because I almost LOST it on him, in not a good way so I took a deep breath and waited. He said there really is nothing to say. What do you want me to say? I said just tell me what your thoughts are, what you’re thinking? He said that he doesn’t have anything different to say and that he wants to be a part of the girls lives every day and he can’t do that living 20 minutes from them, which is absolutely absurd to me by the way because I think its’ hard being 20 minutes away because of HIS laziness and lack of drive to do anything positive anymore it seems. I didn’t say that though and then he said“you wouldn’t be having this conversation with me if we were talking about your daughter?” and I said that’s where you’re wrong. I would make sure that it worked for EVERYONE, not just one person! That’s what being in a relationship and team is all about.

 

I told him that our previous city was his choice and I went there and this is when they lived almost an hour away and I said I just don’t get why there is no compromise when I’ve sacrificed and lived like a wife and have done all that makes you happy. He said that I don’t have to do any of that stuff anymore. That hurt me so bad! Then I said I don’t get why you can’t see things through my eyes and he said “I don’t ever want to look at things the way you look at them”. I said what is that supposed to mean? He said I know how you talk and think and I don’t ever want to think like you do. So evil and mean. I said I don’t understand what you think of me and why you view me so poorly when I’ve done nothing to deserve that but I’m tired. This conversation should have gone with you saying we’ll take a look at houses together and go with the one that works for ALL of us. He said that he did say that about 3 months ago and he NEVER said that! If he did I’d never bring this conversation up.

 

He said that he would prefer that I never talk about this again and that he wishes he had a mute button for me. Again, so mean. I said so are you telling me that you want a girl just sits there and takes what you give her and is never supposed to open her mouth about how she feels? He stayed quiet. I said did your ex wife never talk about anything with you? Or did she not HAVE to talk about anything with you because you gave her everything she wanted? He said that he was annoyed because he felt forced to talk and trapped in car and he said I was yelling when I never yelled. I was REALLY calm. He said all you ever want to do is talk. You can’t go with the flow and let things happen naturally. Then he said you really know how to mess up and ruin a surprise. So I said what is that supposed to mean?

 

He stayed quiet so I said listen, you’re not going to say anything, this is IT! If you feel that you are not going to be able to give me what I want or care to give me what I want and you don’t see a future for us TELL ME NOW! I will walk out of your life forever at this VERY moment. He stayed quiet again, just looked at me so I said it again, I’m giving you an OUT! Be a mature adult, be honest and if you cannot do it TELL ME NOW. He stayed quiet so I called him a coward and said that I have some major thinking to do, that I’m done talking. He said you have been thinking and I said no, I mean I really have some MAJOR thinking to do. I’ve given you so many chances and left it at that .

 

So he was so mean and still is. Then he mentioned that I ruined a surprise and can’t just go with the flow. What is that supposed to mean? Was he planning on proposing and I ruined it now because I want to talk? I’m just so confused. Has he been mean about it because I just haven’t “let him” do things and all I ever want to do is talk?

 

I still don’t get the whole comment of I can never look at things through your eyes. Like I’m a bad person or something. Does he just seriously hate woman because of what she did? I feel like he blames me for what happened to him. Like I'm his punching bag.

 

He was crying like a baby yesterday after he hung up the phone with his daughters. I know that he takes the blame for the fall of his marriage because she cheated and he got physical with her. If she wouldn't have made him leave after that he would still have his "family" None of that is MY fault though.

 

 

Sorry for the lengthy email but that surprise comment just really threw me a curve ball.

 

Or is he playing mindgames? He has said three times now to let things happen naturally which is something he’s never said before

 

Can you guys tell me what youthink now? I’m really confused.

[Emilia]

He was crying like a baby yesterday after he hung up the phone with his daughters. I know that he takes the blame for the fall of his marriage because she cheated and he got physical with her. If she wouldn't have made him leave after that he would still have his "family" None of that is MY fault though.

 

 

Sorry for the lengthy email but that surprise comment just really threw me a curve ball.

 

Or is he playing mindgames? He has said three times now to let things happen naturally which is something he’s never said before

 

Can you guys tell me what youthink now? I’m really confused.

 

I think the only thing he wants is being with his family. He said 'letting things happen naturally' because he doesn't want to commit to anything with you. It's a cop-out.

 

I think this guy is very unhappy and screwed up. I also think that you should walk away for your own sanity. This is done. Who knows what the surprise would have been (if anything) but I would not tie myself to someone who is so very very unhappy.

[Els]

Uh, you're actually really lucky that this 37-yo man-child refused to marry you. Now you can be on your way without needing a divorce.