Relationship ended because it started becoming distant... NC?

[Big Sky]

Long story ahead, but in short, my relationship ended because we had started to feel distant in our relationship, I was working a lot in a demanding and stressful field and she's a senior in college, and timing was an issue, and she broke up with me. I understand that NC is meant to heal and move on, but in the event that I want to get back together with her, how is implementing NC when the issue was feeling distant going to help?

 

Now the story:

 

I was dating an incredible, beautiful girl for nearly 3 years, the one I wanted to marry. Everything was amazing. It started in college, survived two semesters abroad (one for me one for her), and lasted until this past weekend. We had talked about marriage, kids, all of that stuff in the future. I graduated last year and started working in a very demanding field that requires ridiculous hours (investment banking) and she is still in college graduating this semester. We are currently in the same city but I would only see her about 20 minutes a day before and after work (really early and really really late), and then on the weekends. I was really close with her friends and her family; she the same with mine. Never had any conflicts or any substantial arguments and shared an amazingly intimate, healthy, loving relationship that, in my eyes, was perfect until just a month ago.

 

When I first started on the job, the hours were bad, but she was extremely supportive. She would stay over my apartment and wait for me to come home; she would leave little notes and cards on my desk; we would text throughout the day. The job was super stressful, and she would be there to support me, listening to my day, and all of that. I would do the same for her, and I would be all ears to hear about her day. We were both super busy though, with her on her last year and me in a demanding job. And so it went, not much time spent together during the week, but weekends were great. Slowly however, things began to unravel.

 

We spent New Years together with my family, and it was an amazing time. I recall her telling me, "you are so much more relaxed when you're not working, I love it." Everything was perfect. The next couple weeks were hell -- a couple 100+ hour work weeks and utter exhaustion. Then after a night out on the town where we got dinner and drinks and had a wonderful conversation and amazing sex, we are about to go to bed when she says "do you feel like we're just going through the motions?"

 

When I heard that I did get freaked out... it drew a lot of parallels to how my previous relationship ended (not well at all). We talked about it calmly, and she wasn't sure what she was thinking, just that she felt that sometimes we were going through the motions. We talked about it through the next day, but then when the topic of making taking some space came up she recoiled. We ended up taking a trip the following weekend, staying at a hotel and going for a romantic evening out. I thought all was good again in the world.

 

Things ended up getting much worse after that. She started to withdraw from me, and then essentially blew me off when a bunch of my friends came into town and it would've meant a lot of me to have her come and say hi at a bar we were at. I was pretty pissed about it and in my drunken state I texted her about taking me for granted and some other random stuff of the sort. She was upset and said that she wasn't taking me for granted but wasn't sure what she wanted... she said she loved me and that I was her everything, but felt like we were forcing the relationship.

 

The next day, we didn't talk until the evening. She went out to dinner with a friend but asked for me to come over afterwards. I went over and we sat on her couch, and I asked her if everything was alright. She said that she had been sad for a while, and that she felt like we were growing distant. She reiterated the forcing of the relationship, given that we weren't spending much time together. Also, I had told her my plans a few months earlier to quit my job this coming summer and move to another city to start my own business, whereas she would be staying in the same city we went to college for at least a year or so. That was also pulling at her. She felt that we were at "different times in our lives."

 

At the end, we agreed to take a break... obviously having been through a similar situation years ago, I knew what that meant and was prepared for the worst. A week later, we talk over the phone and she tells me that she had thought long and hard over the course of the break and believed that it might be best for us to break up. She claimed that over the course of the week she felt really happy and relieved. She reiterated that the timing was an issue, given that we would be in different cities for a substantial amount of time, and she really wanted to be "present" for her last semester of college (especially since she was so busy and she wanted to enjoy her friends for this last semester) and in the city that we lived in post-graduation. It was an amicable conversation; she cried the whole time but I maintained my composure and tone. I reiterated my feelings for her, and also apologized for placing the stresses of my job onto her, if that had become a burden. She said that I had done everything right. She also told me about a coworker who had broken up with her then fiance because of a similar situation (him moving to a different city and her staying in college), and that they eventually ended up back together. I asked her if she still saw us together in the future, and she said "of course." We told each other that we loved each other and that was that.

 

Now I am sitting in my apartment with an empty box, trying to pack up her belongings. Honestly, it's pretty damn depressing. We haven't spoken since the breakup, and that's been my plan -- to maintain NC for my own sake of "moving on" and for her to hopefully start to miss me. It's been a couple days and while I've deviated from the path with Facebook profile looking I have not contacted her in any means. The fact that we broke up on very respectful and amicable terms lessens my bitterness, and we truly shared an amazingly beautiful relationship that helped both of us grow. Honestly, I still think she is the one, despite this development. I'm doing my best to live my own life -- fortunately I am busy with work so that takes most of my time, and I am going to Las Vegas with a buddy of mine this coming weekend (unless work gets in the way of course). But I don't know what to do. I believe that she will eventually come join me in the city I want to move to eventually, but until then I am just crushed when I think about being apart for so long, when things had been going so well and everything felt so right. We had gone through so much together, and it was just bizarre that things took a turn for the worse so quickly.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts about how best to proceed. Obviously I have read enough posts to know that right now I have to work on myself and work on moving on, but oddly enough I don't want to move on. Maybe I am scared to forget her. I am procrastinating the packing of her stuff, even though she hasn't asked for any of it back... I just want the feeling of having her here again. By packing up her stuff I am going to lose her presence here. It's heartbreaking to think that this apartment was essentially ours together, and now that she's gone everything has been tainted.

 

What do you guys think our chances are of getting back together? Waiting a year or however long it takes is really tough, but do you guys think she will start to miss me soon through NC and by graduation all this will be resolved? I know that I can live without her -- I don't need to be with her -- but I want to so incredibly badly. I know it takes two parties to make a relationship work, and if one isn't fully invested then it won't work. Maybe in time she will realize that not having me by her side to be her support, her man, her love is really tough. But for now, life goes on.

 

We ended up meeting over the weekend, so that I could drop off some of her belongings. We ended up chatting for about an hour -- she was exhibiting fairly strong body language signals -- (as lame as this sounds, I know) -- pointing her knee towards me, dilated pupils, kept looking at my eyes and then at my lips, etc. There were several times where I thought we might kiss, but I think it's too early to go down that road. She also took my hand and caressed it, saying "I didn't know you had calluses... I never noticed that" etc., as if it were an excuse to have contact. We caught up and it was just like old times -- I really felt the spark again. In my lone moment of weakness, I said that I missed her, and she told me the same, and reiterated how great it was to see me. And we had a really wonderful hug at the end and it didn't seem like she wanted me to leave. She also said "let's hang out again soon". Afterwards she initiated a text conversation, thanking me for bringing her belongings and reiterating how wonderful it was to see me. I had returned a ring that she had given me as a keepsake a while ago, and she said it was really hard seeing the ring; she said that she had hoped I would keep it on my keychain. She may give it back to me and asked for me to keep it on my keychain. Afterwards, she thanked me again and said that I seemed really happy and she was so glad to see that. No mention of being friends and all of that kind of stuff.

 

I guess now that rapport is still there I'm going to give it some time, and then work on attracting her back. Maybe more time LC / NC would help too? I think the space really gave our meeting a kick in the right direction... I think I may continue to step away and give some space. Do you all think that's the right approach moving forward?

[marklarsson]

FIrst of all i think most people wished their relationship ended as civilized as yours did. i think this raises your chances of getting back together.

 

however i say don't forces, you and her already gave valid reasons why you two should be apart right now. forcing to get back together again while the issues are still there will only mean you could break up again and it could then be not as preety as it is now.

 

you also mentioned that you dont need her and that you want her. continue to think like this and just live your life. after she is done graduating and you leave to start your job then check up on how shes thinking.

[Big Sky]

Thank you for your response. I am definitely actively working on myself as an individual and trying to better myself. Would you all recommend some sort of contact in the meantime with the ex though?