worst pain EVER!!!

[hockeyfan99]

well i'm like a lot of people here on this forum.

 

sorry for it being so long......

 

i found the "love of my life" a little over 2.5 years ago. i mean when i saw her the first time we met i knew she was the one for me. at the time we were both still in relationships that we were no long happy with. within a week or so we were together and it was and still are the BEST days of my life. there was a large age difference of 15 years (i was 38 and she was 23) but it didn't stop me because honestly i didn't care what anyone thought. we were both adults, we were totally into each other and nothing else mattered.

 

i was always on that was SOOOO afraid of commitment and saying "i love you". i think for me the whole "i love you" deal was that i just didn't really know what true love felt like. people tell you, you'll just know.......well when i met her......i just knew and i was super happy to finally be able to express myself and feel good about it and not be afraid.

 

but as time passed i found that she was a bit controlling. she had a lot of insecurities and stuff that would make it very difficult in the relationship. what that caused me to do was not to be myself a lot of the time and change things just to make her happy. my BIGGEST mistake is that i wasn't always honest with her. NOW HEAR ME OUT!!! i hate to lie to someone but when they ask you difficult questions that have a no win situation, you can't help but try to save face and not tell the truth. there are just some things you don't ask someone if you know you might not want to hear that answer. well that and our lack of communication effected our relationship really bad and in the end caused it to fail. for me i always felt nervous around her cause i didn't know what kinda crazy question she was going to hit me with next. and on her end she felt like i was going to lie to her so she felt like she needed to be reassured that i was telling the truth.........well now we're not together anymore.

 

i'll tell you what. this has been the worst 5 months OF MY LIFE. i feel like i have lost everything and in a way i have. i wanted to marry her. i wanted kids with her......hell we even had names picked out i wanted a house. really i just wanted her and to grow old with her. but all that has changed now. she broke up with me because she felt that she couldn't trust me and it was driving her crazy. i tried everything to prevent the breakup. even after the break up we stayed in contact and I TRIED EVERYTHING to get her back. cards, flowers, sweet texts, notes, we even met up a few times. these were ALL mutual things that we wanted to do. i think deep down inside she didn't want this but felt that she needed to do it.

 

well last wed we decided to go NC and my life has been turned up-side-down. i feel even worse than when she broke up with me. i feel like she is dead and i can no longer talk to her and its killing me slowly. i cry at the smallest thing. work, home, in the car. doesn't matter. i have run out of tears. for me i just don't know what to do with myself. like a lot of people the thought of her being with someone else is just the worst image EVER. i try to block it out but its too hard. she isn't with anyone else right now but i know that day will come. i can't help the feelings that i have. I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and i don't know how i will ever get through this. it has gotten to the point where i'm literally afraid of ever being in love again because it hurts SO BAD. i try to stay busy but when i'm alone all i do is sit there and cry my eyes out. in fact i'm crying writing this as we speak. i don't think i have ever been so sad in all my life. i do sometimes, not happy to say this, think about calling it quits on life but i don't want to hurt my family by doing something stupid like that. i just don't know where to go from here. i don't think i have enough space to pick up the pieces of my heart. all i know is that my life will never be the same and there is not a moment that i'm not thinking about her and what she is doing. i would not wish this pain and loss on my worst enemy. "I'm so lost" :(

[jumbojet123]

well i'm like a lot of people here on this forum.

 

sorry for it being so long......

 

i found the "love of my life" a little over 2.5 years ago. i mean when i saw her the first time we met i knew she was the one for me. at the time we were both still in relationships that we were no long happy with. within a week or so we were together and it was and still are the BEST days of my life. there was a large age difference of 15 years (i was 38 and she was 23) but it didn't stop me because honestly i didn't care what anyone thought. we were both adults, we were totally into each other and nothing else mattered.

 

i was always on that was SOOOO afraid of commitment and saying "i love you". i think for me the whole "i love you" deal was that i just didn't really know what true love felt like. people tell you, you'll just know.......well when i met her......i just knew and i was super happy to finally be able to express myself and feel good about it and not be afraid.

 

but as time passed i found that she was a bit controlling. she had a lot of insecurities and stuff that would make it very difficult in the relationship. what that caused me to do was not to be myself a lot of the time and change things just to make her happy. my BIGGEST mistake is that i wasn't always honest with her. NOW HEAR ME OUT!!! i hate to lie to someone but when they ask you difficult questions that have a no win situation, you can't help but try to save face and not tell the truth. there are just some things you don't ask someone if you know you might not want to hear that answer. well that and our lack of communication effected our relationship really bad and in the end caused it to fail. for me i always felt nervous around her cause i didn't know what kinda crazy question she was going to hit me with next. and on her end she felt like i was going to lie to her so she felt like she needed to be reassured that i was telling the truth.........well now we're not together anymore.

 

i'll tell you what. this has been the worst 5 months OF MY LIFE. i feel like i have lost everything and in a way i have. i wanted to marry her. i wanted kids with her......hell we even had names picked out i wanted a house. really i just wanted her and to grow old with her. but all that has changed now. she broke up with me because she felt that she couldn't trust me and it was driving her crazy. i tried everything to prevent the breakup. even after the break up we stayed in contact and I TRIED EVERYTHING to get her back. cards, flowers, sweet texts, notes, we even met up a few times. these were ALL mutual things that we wanted to do. i think deep down inside she didn't want this but felt that she needed to do it.

 

well last wed we decided to go NC and my life has been turned up-side-down. i feel even worse than when she broke up with me. i feel like she is dead and i can no longer talk to her and its killing me slowly. i cry at the smallest thing. work, home, in the car. doesn't matter. i have run out of tears. for me i just don't know what to do with myself. like a lot of people the thought of her being with someone else is just the worst image EVER. i try to block it out but its too hard. she isn't with anyone else right now but i know that day will come. i can't help the feelings that i have. I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and i don't know how i will ever get through this. it has gotten to the point where i'm literally afraid of ever being in love again because it hurts SO BAD. i try to stay busy but when i'm alone all i do is sit there and cry my eyes out. in fact i'm crying writing this as we speak. i don't think i have ever been so sad in all my life. i do sometimes, not happy to say this, think about calling it quits on life but i don't want to hurt my family by doing something stupid like that. i just don't know where to go from here. i don't think i have enough space to pick up the pieces of my heart. all i know is that my life will never be the same and there is not a moment that i'm not thinking about her and what she is doing. i would not wish this pain and loss on my worst enemy. "I'm so lost" :(

 

 

I know what you are going through. I lost the love of my life a month ago. he is out there alive, new job, doing just fine-it is as if I never existed at all..i went to pick up my stuff a week ago and it was so easy for him, just calm and as if it was normal, oh just be my friend, you will be ok...MY HEART WAS RIPPED OUT DESTROYED I LIVED WITH YOU A YEAR YOU HAD MY LIFE AND NOW IT IS GONE. That is the problem. He was my life. I had everything planned according to him because that is what happens when you love someone too much, your life revolves around them, and he never loved me as much, even though I lived with him, we were together all the time...he obviously did not have the same emotional attachment. Now I am unable to get myself out of bed (I mean my parent's sofa, sorry, no bed!), and all I have is work. I have some friends but alas, i lost them because I was revolving around him..so much that he was all I had. And then out of nowhere..."I can't do this anymore, I need space, I love you as a friend, you'll be ok...but I can't be with you anymore I am sorry.." My life-OVER. What about all of our hopes and dreams? What about our memories, times together? What about the cat? Just..the end?

Yes, so I know how you feel. I have no idea how to make myself happy, it is very sad. I have hobbies, but they are not enough because I have done this to myself-I have made a man my life and source of happiness and I cannot even sleep alone in a bed anymore.

I am also only 23 years old. People my age should be having the best years, being happy and free, just starting out. I was SO happy 1 month ago, or so I thought..but I was relying on another person for that.

Now simple things seem to have no purpose..like why am I in school, he in't around..why am I bothering to take care of myself or look decent he is gone..and I don't want anyone else. It is really a twisted and bad mental problem, and it happens when you do this to yourself.

Anyway, you are not alone, and I wish I could say something to help, but you have to just let the pain run its course and I hear it gets better.

I can't sleep, yet I am exhausted, it is a vicious cycle. Knowing he is out there yet I am dead to him. He is having success. Just moved on and ended it like it was nothing. He was the one. Oh well.

I hope you can find the strength to get through this, I am just trying to get through it hour by hour.

[hockeyfan99]

I know what you are going through. I lost the love of my life a month ago. he is out there alive, new job, doing just fine-it is as if I never existed at all..i went to pick up my stuff a week ago and it was so easy for him, just calm and as if it was normal, oh just be my friend, you will be ok...MY HEART WAS RIPPED OUT DESTROYED I LIVED WITH YOU A YEAR YOU HAD MY LIFE AND NOW IT IS GONE. That is the problem. He was my life. I had everything planned according to him because that is what happens when you love someone too much, your life revolves around them, and he never loved me as much, even though I lived with him, we were together all the time...he obviously did not have the same emotional attachment. Now I am unable to get myself out of bed (I mean my parent's sofa, sorry, no bed!), and all I have is work. I have some friends but alas, i lost them because I was revolving around him..so much that he was all I had. And then out of nowhere..."I can't do this anymore, I need space, I love you as a friend, you'll be ok...but I can't be with you anymore I am sorry.." My life-OVER. What about all of our hopes and dreams? What about our memories, times together? What about the cat? Just..the end?

Yes, so I know how you feel. I have no idea how to make myself happy, it is very sad. I have hobbies, but they are not enough because I have done this to myself-I have made a man my life and source of happiness and I cannot even sleep alone in a bed anymore.

I am also only 23 years old. People my age should be having the best years, being happy and free, just starting out. I was SO happy 1 month ago, or so I thought..but I was relying on another person for that.

Now simple things seem to have no purpose..like why am I in school, he in't around..why am I bothering to take care of myself or look decent he is gone..and I don't want anyone else. It is really a twisted and bad mental problem, and it happens when you do this to yourself.

Anyway, you are not alone, and I wish I could say something to help, but you have to just let the pain run its course and I hear it gets better.

I can't sleep, yet I am exhausted, it is a vicious cycle. Knowing he is out there yet I am dead to him. He is having success. Just moved on and ended it like it was nothing. He was the one. Oh well.

I hope you can find the strength to get through this, I am just trying to get through it hour by hour.

 

i know how you feel. when she broke up with me 5 months ago i could kinda sense something was up. so when i got "that call" that she wanted to talk i knew i was doomed. it was the worst day of my life and i never want to go thru that ever again. but that was 5 months ago and i have gotten better and so will you. you really have to reach out for some help in some way. for me, talking to my family was so one sided. i needed real help and have been talking to a therapist. that has helped a lot because i had, and still have, SO MUCH regret and guilt. i still feel like this whole mess up was my fault aside from what people tell me. but reaching out for real help was the best for me. it will take a long time. but believe me, i know exactly how you feel.

 

in all the time that we were broken up but still in contact, i felt like she was just a friend it was killing me. i went over her apt about a week ago to see her. the thing about doing this is that she lives 45 mins away from me and ALL i wanted was to say hi, get a hug and to just see her. i got all that. thats not the problem here. the problem was that she was so standoff-ish to me, like i smelled or something. i mentioned it to her and she said she didn't realize she was doing it but i noticed it and it was HEART BREAKING!! in doing that i wanted to show her just how much she means to me in driving all that way for such a short period of time. guess it didn't have ANY effect on her at all. i know she still loves me and didn't want any of this but i was really really hoping for some sorta second chance. she says that i got my chances but we had never broken up before. so to me i never got that second chance. it really makes me mad sometimes that i put up with her crap and there were MANY times that i felt like calling it a day on our relationship. but i stuck it out and really tried to make it work because SHE. WAS. THE. ONE!!

[AlexfromBoston]

Ok, now take a deep breath my man and really take a look at your current situation. Are you terminally ill? Have you lost your limbs in an IED attack in the Korangal Valley? Did you lose 3/4 of your entire family from a natural disaster? If you answered no to all of the above then your situation is not so bad...in fact, you are rather lucky. And unless you live in a mud hut in Somalia I am guessing your living situation is not so bad either. You didn't LOSE your ex, you just temporarily GAINED a modicum of freedom. And I say temporarily because you really don't know if she'll come back down the road. So in that sense, to take your mind off the pain just tell yourself, "well Jumbojet, this is it, my ex is taking a small vacation and now I am without a girlfriend for a few more months...its time to have some fun". And while she's gone, you need to go out, meet new women and have fun. Hit the gym, eat healthy and build up that shattered confidence. And in the interim, maintain NC for a few more weeks(min 3 weeks) until you're ready to hit her with a "breakup acceptance" letter. Let her know you're so happy about the breakup and wish her the best. Let her know that you would love to meet up in the future if she would like. And if you are granted an opportunity to meet, don't jump at the first date she throws out and make sure you act like you're really not that effected by the break. It won't be until you start working on yourself and having fun that she will ever come back to you. You need to really understand that. As of now, I am sure she knows she has you in her back pocket for a rainy day so there is no sense of urgency to come crawling back. And you know what, you may not even want her back while you are out having fun.

[hockeyfan99]

Ok, now take a deep breath my man and really take a look at your current situation. Are you terminally ill? Have you lost your limbs in an IED attack in the Korangal Valley? Did you lose 3/4 of your entire family from a natural disaster? If you answered no to all of the above then your situation is not so bad...in fact, you are rather lucky. And unless you live in a mud hut in Somalia I am guessing your living situation is not so bad either. You didn't LOSE your ex, you just temporarily GAINED a modicum of freedom. And I say temporarily because you really don't know if she'll come back down the road. So in that sense, to take your mind off the pain just tell yourself, "well Jumbojet, this is it, my ex is taking a small vacation and now I am without a girlfriend for a few more months...its time to have some fun". And while she's gone, you need to go out, meet new women and have fun. Hit the gym, eat healthy and build up that shattered confidence. And in the interim, maintain NC for a few more weeks(min 3 weeks) until you're ready to hit her with a "breakup acceptance" letter. Let her know you're so happy about the breakup and wish her the best. Let her know that you would love to meet up in the future if she would like. And if you are granted an opportunity to meet, don't jump at the first date she throws out and make sure you act like you're really not that effected by the break. It won't be until you start working on yourself and having fun that she will ever come back to you. You need to really understand that. As of now, I am sure she knows she has you in her back pocket for a rainy day so there is no sense of urgency to come crawling back. And you know what, you may not even want her back while you are out having fun.

 

DEEP BREATH..........

you are right on so many levels esp when i compare my situation to other that have it much worse off than me. but that is a good way of looking at it. she is taking a break and there is always that chance that she will come back into my life down the road. if not then i guess it wasn't mean't to be. this NC is much much harder than i ever imagined it would be because with have been broken up for almost 5 months now. but to me it feel like she broke up with me yesterday. the pain sucks SOOOOO BAD.

 

but i have started to do things to help me. i first sought out a therapist to talk to and that has helped a lot. then i have taken 3 vacations in the last 3 months to get out there and have some fun. but the sad thing is that i was really reserved and didn't want to meet some other girl and possible ruin my chances with the ex down the road. BUT on the other hand i can't just sit around and wait for her to come back. the only thing that sucks about doing the whole vacation deal was that my problems are right here when the wheels hit the tarmac or the cruise ship pulls up to the port. but i guess its just going to take time and more vacations and getting out and trying to make new friends in addition to the ones i have that i'm trying reconnect with.

 

i just miss her more than anything in the universe. i know we both had some serious issues that needed to be fixed but i really wished that it had worked out cause i love her more than anything

[AlexfromBoston]

Well I am not trying to give you false hope, but theres a strong chance she'll come around. Especially if she jumps into a rebound relationship with some loser. That's probably the best case scenario. She'll see what side had greener grass and she'll come back. Was she really in love with you? Did you treat her right? If you answered yes then I would say you have a very good chance.

[hockeyfan99]

Well I am not trying to give you false hope, but theres a strong chance she'll come around. Especially if she jumps into a rebound relationship with some loser. That's probably the best case scenario. She'll see what side had greener grass and she'll come back. Was she really in love with you? Did you treat her right? If you answered yes then I would say you have a very good chance.

 

 

i know you're not. but i don't think she's the type to jump into another relationship right away.

 

YES... she was totally in love with me. i treated her very good. i mean there were times when we would fight and our comm skills were terrible. i think both of us just wanted to be able to talk to one another without the fear that the other was going to get mad at them. so a lot of time nothing would get said to avoid a fight.

[AlexfromBoston]

i know you're not. but i don't think she's the type to jump into another relationship right away.

 

YES... she was totally in love with me. i treated her very good. i mean there were times when we would fight and our comm skills were terrible. i think both of us just wanted to be able to talk to one another without the fear that the other was going to get mad at them. so a lot of time nothing would get said to avoid a fight.

 

She may jump into another relationship but it probably won't work out too well. If she was truly in love she will miss you. A rebound relationship is actually good news for you.

[hockeyfan99]

She may jump into another relationship but it probably won't work out too well. If she was truly in love she will miss you. A rebound relationship is actually good news for you.

 

 

lets hope. i mean i know she misses me like crazy cause she has told me that even up to a few weeks ago. the problem is that both her and i have to make some changes bf it's ever going to work out. if she called me up and wanted to get back together, i would be very worried that we'd go right back to the same ol crap and i don't want that. i've had a few people even mention couples therapy if we ever decide to get back together. so who know's.

 

say alex where in boston you from? i have family up that way in kingston near plymouth.

[marklarsson]

She may jump into another relationship but it probably won't work out too well. If she was truly in love she will miss you. A rebound relationship is actually good news for you.

 

My ex is also in a rebound relationship. She got into it very quick after we broke up. It could also be GIGS

[AlexfromBoston]

lets hope. i mean i know she misses me like crazy cause she has told me that even up to a few weeks ago. the problem is that both her and i have to make some changes bf it's ever going to work out. if she called me up and wanted to get back together, i would be very worried that we'd go right back to the same ol crap and i don't want that. i've had a few people even mention couples therapy if we ever decide to get back together. so who know's.

 

say alex where in boston you from? i have family up that way in kingston near plymouth.

 

I was actually born and raised in Lowell. If you have seen "the fighter", it was that city in the movie. I am familiar with Plymouth...it's a bit of a hike from me.

[hockeyfan99]

I was actually born and raised in Lowell. If you have seen "the fighter", it was that city in the movie. I am familiar with Plymouth...it's a bit of a hike from me.

 

 

i have seen the movie. good movie.

 

do you really think that there might be a chance down the road to back with the ex. right now i'm super angry that she did this to me and she has stated to me that she hope that she doesn't look back and regret breaking up with me. right now i hope she does regret it in the future. i'm not trying to be mean and know that she didn't want all this to happen but my ex set such a high bar that i don't think any man can live up to her standards. thats what makes me so angry., it not like i was abusive or that i cheated on her or something terrible. i just wasn't always honest with her bc she scared me. thats a terrible feeling to have for someone that you would take a bullet for.

 

oh well. i tried to be the man she wanted and i guess i couldn't live up to what she wanted in a boyfriend.

[hockeyfan99]

My ex is also in a rebound relationship. She got into it very quick after we broke up. It could also be GIGS

 

 

GIGS?? i don't understand what that means?? sorry

[marklarsson]

GIGS?? i don't understand what that means?? sorry

 

It's known as The Grass Is Greener syndrome

[hockeyfan99]

It's known as The Grass Is Greener syndrome

 

 

ah. i see now what you mean.