candie13 Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 do you believe it's a myth or not? are you actively searching for "the one" or merely keeping an eye out? do you believe that while waiting for the one, a smart person should marry once or twice? I'll share with you my pseudo "dilemma" : I am 32 and have been in 2 relationships for almost 10 years. I have been doing my best to adjust to the date scene for the last 2 years and enjoy it. Obviously, a lot of new things out there, lots of experiences and yes, quite a few dates. I like people and I like men. But at 32, I find to be... quite specific as to what I am looking and sort of am obsessed by "wasting my time". What I am looking for? I am looking for the "click", first and foremost (both me and my partner) and I am keeping an eye open so that my potential partner is a decent person (kind to me, considerate, respectful, etc). This is not about how I want my partner to be and unrealistic expectations... it's about how I look at the dating scene. While I am open and realized that it is stupid to have a "type" - so I will accept to go on dates with different sort of guys - I seem to have unreasonably high expectations when it comes to whom I am allowing near me. do you feel like that? I mean, I think if I would really like a guy and "click", I'd be willing to make compromises to make things work. So far... I just don't. I seem to be unable to date a nice person, who treats me well but is not perfect (neither am I) unless... I feel he is really special. The one. I find a stupid reason and just leave, without giving that relationship or that man a chance. So... I am wondering if I am simply looking for "the one" or actually afraid of commitment and jumping from one pseudo-relationship to the next, forever unsatisfied? Where are you when it comes to the expectations from your love life - actual love life and future one? I mean real expectations, not "in an ideal world".
Silly_Girl Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Trite as it sounds I think falling in love and spending your life with someone is a journey. It's not about prescribing characteristics and ideal factors. You can, in my opinion, go down a path with two very different people and be very happy with either. The trick, I think, is to know what are must-haves and where you need to gel with someone. After that, yes, being brave and vulnerable and free-falling for a while us healthy (necessary?).
Author candie13 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 You can, in my opinion, go down a path with two very different people and be very happy with either. The trick, I think, is to know what are must-haves and where you need to gel with someone. I believe you can certainly go down a path with two different people, even more than just two, if you are reasonably attractive / successful (). I am not talking about that. I am talking about risking to not go down the path with any, unless you meet that person that you feel / think is the "one". Or if you should go done the path with a decent person until you meet "the one" . you cannot feel that "click" with two different people, at the same time. It is extremely rare to feel that, to begin with. I've only felt it three times, in my life: the first time when I was 14 (crazy, I know, but I totally believe in my first love), second time when I was 19 and third time when I was 23. Each and every time, I knew I was very very inlove, very special... But it's one thing to fall inlove and a very different thing to decide to spend your life with someone. I agree that the person one ends up with should be inspiring so that the "journey" as you call it, is enriching and allows for a maximum environment of growth for both partners (also, at times, not killing each other is/can be "good enough" ) But you cannot click with two people in the same time. this means, in theory, you cannot be equally happy or just as happy with either one of them. Do you believe people only have just one match or potentially more, but just one would make them happy (really happy/fulfilled)? As for the vulnerability and bravery and free falling... gosh, I don't know what to say, this is where I trust my instinct. Truth is, you never know. And indeed, you cannot have a truly happy life without that sort of... blind trust, that comes with choosing to live with someone for a very very long time. Bloody bastards:love:, I am jealous !
pteromom Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Do you believe people only have just one match or potentially more, but just one would make them happy (really happy/fulfilled)? No, I believe people have a bunch of potential matches, but they go out into the dating world looking for the wrong things. They tend to focus on sexual chemistry and how a person's attention makes them FEEL, rather than paying attention to compatibility. In order to have a really happy relationship, I think you need to have similar goals, similar values, similar communication style, etc. Because if you can't understand someone and their motivations for what they do/believe/think, how can you ever build true intimacy with them?
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I believe there is definitely more than "one" person out there for you. No one is going to be 100% perfect in my eyes. The traits you love and hate in one person, could be the opposite of another but you would still hate or love certain things no matter what. For the first time in my life I am experiencing what I have NEVER felt before, which is complete compatibility and chemistry. I am not talking sexual, I am talking about being able to spend every moment together and not missing a beat. I mean seeing someone and at first sight having this connection that you can't even imagine. It doesn't mean he is perfect, he is ODD, gets really worked up when things don't go the way they were supposed to, but we balance each other out perfectly. That being said, I do not think that if things were to not work out that I would be screwed. Every man is the "one", until things end, and then you go back to looking for the "one".
dj572 Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I don,'t believe in the one. I used to but that was when I was younger. I believe a relationship takes work from both people involved. There are some people that seem to be better matched than others but reality is it takes work. My parents as an example have been married for 43 years. They share some common interests but it has worked for them because they both put forth the effort needed to make it work.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I don,'t believe in the one. I used to but that was when I was younger. I believe a relationship takes work from both people involved. There are some people that seem to be better matched than others but reality is it takes work. My parents as an example have been married for 43 years. They share some common interests but it has worked for them because they both put forth the effort needed to make it work. See, I completely disagree, I think with the right person, it really SHOULDN'T be that much work. My last marriage was work. I believe that sure there is SOME work involved, but ultimately, things should flow pretty well.
Author candie13 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 In order to have a really happy relationship, I think you need to have similar goals, similar values, similar communication style, etc. Because if you can't understand someone and their motivations for what they do/believe/think, how can you ever build true intimacy with them? I agree, similar goals and values are immensely important to give that relationship a meaning. But you can't have just that to keep a relationship... To me, it's a combination of three: 1. the sexual chemistry, the attraction, the fact of really wanting to spend time together, the life together, that bonds primarily 2. the values the goals 3. ways of expressing themselves and of communicating I think with the "one", you may feel no1 stronger than anything else, maybe even blinding you over the rest. But if one is patient enough and looking, the other 2 will become evident - and it is the other two, IMO that will determine the success or failure of that relationship. But this is the big question, because sometimes you don't feel no1 so strongly, while no2 is a lot more obvious. But no matter how beautiful the other person's values are, it simply cannot work unless no1 scores really high. And then comes the dreadful no3, the communication. Living with eachother on daily basis... How "comfortable" versus how much "work" should one relationship be? this is where scoring a high no1 can help that relationship succeed. How badly you want things to work with your partner, despite their idiosyncrasies compared to a more comfortable life with ... someone else... See my dilemma? In the end, it's about one's definition of happiness, of how one wants to live their life and with whom.
pteromom Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 But no matter how beautiful the other person's values are, it simply cannot work unless no1 scores really high. Yes, I agree. There has to be balance of head and heart. But people don't usually ignore the no1 component. They usually ignore the other two.
Author candie13 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 see, I think it's the other way around. People may say it's no1, but in reality is the common goals - a family or settling down that makes people stay together more often than attraction. I mean, really, how many times does one meet a person who really rocks their world? Once every 5 years? Once every 10 years? Never? I find the older one gets, the more difficult it is to find that... therefore they tend to settle with no2 and no3
dj572 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 See, I completely disagree, I think with the right person, it really SHOULDN'T be that much work. My last marriage was work. I believe that sure there is SOME work involved, but ultimately, things should flow pretty well. Don't misunderstand what I mean by work. My parents are very happy together but when any problem arose they worked together to solve it. In my failed marriage I tried but my wife stopped trying. I couldn't do it by myself. Thats what I mean by work. Yes my ex and I had chemistry like my parents do but a relationship does take work. Anybody thay says it doesn't is either very fortunate or too new in a relationship to realize it. No matter who you are problems will arise and if you can't work together it will fail. 1
Shardish Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I think ' the one' can be numerous people throughout one's lifetime.
Author candie13 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 I agree. But will you decide to stay in a relationship with a person with whom you did not "click" waiting / hoping to meet this "the one"? Is that acceptable and did you do it / would you do it? that's the big question.
Shardish Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I agree. But will you decide to stay in a relationship with a person with whom you did not "click" waiting / hoping to meet this "the one"? Is that acceptable and did you do it / would you do it? that's the big question. No I wouldn't enter a relationship with someone I didn't feel a strong connection with. I have never done that and I never will do that.
BetheButterfly Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 do you believe it's a myth or not? are you actively searching for "the one" or merely keeping an eye out? do you believe that while waiting for the one, a smart person should marry once or twice? I'll share with you my pseudo "dilemma" : I am 32 and have been in 2 relationships for almost 10 years. I have been doing my best to adjust to the date scene for the last 2 years and enjoy it. Obviously, a lot of new things out there, lots of experiences and yes, quite a few dates. I like people and I like men. But at 32, I find to be... quite specific as to what I am looking and sort of am obsessed by "wasting my time". What I am looking for? I am looking for the "click", first and foremost (both me and my partner) and I am keeping an eye open so that my potential partner is a decent person (kind to me, considerate, respectful, etc). This is not about how I want my partner to be and unrealistic expectations... it's about how I look at the dating scene. While I am open and realized that it is stupid to have a "type" - so I will accept to go on dates with different sort of guys - I seem to have unreasonably high expectations when it comes to whom I am allowing near me. do you feel like that? I mean, I think if I would really like a guy and "click", I'd be willing to make compromises to make things work. So far... I just don't. I seem to be unable to date a nice person, who treats me well but is not perfect (neither am I) unless... I feel he is really special. The one. I find a stupid reason and just leave, without giving that relationship or that man a chance. So... I am wondering if I am simply looking for "the one" or actually afraid of commitment and jumping from one pseudo-relationship to the next, forever unsatisfied? Where are you when it comes to the expectations from your love life - actual love life and future one? I mean real expectations, not "in an ideal world". I believe I am with "the one" for me. I didn't meet him till I was 33. When I saw him, it was instant attraction but I didn't know yet he was the one. I had been "in love" and hurt before. Although I believe I had healed and was in a good place, I didn't want to rush in and get hurt again. It took a lot of time talking with him on the phone, and then a lot of face-to-face conversations, to help me see that he is the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and for him to see that concerning me. We have been married for more than a year now, and we are more sure than ever before that we are each other's "one." Now, we have had some fights, but what has helped us overcome differences is Love, Kindness, and Unselfishness. Keeping a relationship growing and alive takes a lot of work but is worth it!!! Kindness and unselfishness are like the sun and rain that the plant of love/marriage needs to grow. In order for someone to be the "one" and for you to be that someone's "one", both of you need to be committed and figure out how to make the plant of love grow into a strong tree. I personally have no idea if you are just scared or if you have not met the "one." I think it's possible though that you have not met the "one." When you meet him, both of you need to work together to make it happen. It's not just about clicking. It's about maintaining that click.
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