Chi townD Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I don't know why people are still posting on this thread. The OP hasn't been back here in a while which tells me that he's back with the Ex, or GF, or cheating wh*re...whichever label you want to put on her. The dude isn't coming back..............until she cheats on him again, and then we'll have a reunion.
Author toc200 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 Hi all. You may have forgotten me. It's not that I have gotten back with her. It's that she is now the ex. A move most if not all of you would say is the right direction. It's been an incredibly rough month. Sleepless nights, no appetite, reminders everywhere (had to rearrange entire appartment). She has moved out but I see her every other day randomly. She looks bad; bags under eyes, visibly thinner, disheveled hair. Yet she says she's good. She seems to be trying to play with me. Says I look good in my pics with friends on Instagram. Interestingly she stopped following me, says she did it by mistake and starts following me again? I immediately stopped following her. Ran into each other at a bar, as I was walking out I had to walk by her. Gave a polite nod and smile which she met with a arm thrown around me and a quick kiss on the cheek! WTF.. I text her to let her know this was not cool as its fresh and if I had been with another girl it would cause issues. I have been on an absolute roller coaster. The highs and lows are have subsided slightly but I still feel overwhelmed sometime. How long is this going to take. I have gone out partying a lot, made out with some girl at a bar but I still feel so bad. I have family and friends coming out to see me so I hope that helps. I know I shouldn't care what she's doing but I'm sure she's already put hooking up and it bugs me. I feel like this was a race to show who can get over who first. The little guy in me wants that connection back so bad but logical me knows that she's untrustworthy and has so many issues to deal with. Sorry for the rant. I guess it's time I jump ship to the coping forum. 1
BetrayedH Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I don't have much to offer you except that I expect she's in a similar state of misery as you. You said she looks haggard and thin; it sounds like what you're experiencing. She put her arms around you and kissed you because she still has feelings for you. And she says she's good because she has no idea what else to say to you and still wants to be attractive to you. Sad story.
Author toc200 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 I think the biggest thing that kept our fairly poor relationship together on my part was my fear of being alone. She was my first love/ first person I really let in. And even after this episode my immediate reaction was to be angry but try to hope there was a way. There isn't. Now I'm trying to rebuild. I'm such a routine person and this has shook my life to the core. I have to move, put myself out there. I really want the next girl to be the one. But I'm 23! I know the next is not likely the last. It's such a frightening thought. Especially considering I put over 2 years of investment in this girl. It's going to be a while before I can be the same with another girl and it may be months or years before I even start that process. I have such a fear if rejection that its probably the reason I waited Til I was 21 to get in a serious relationship. Don't know how to overcome this.. It doesn't help that I and the ex's routines cross paths in this small town. I want her to go. I'm trying to be as mature as possible with it. We have mutual friends; maybe one day we can be cool in each others presence. She's just acting too cool too soon. I've had some intimate dreams with a couple girls I know. Some sex, some just intimate like there's something there. And it just felt right in the dream. Hopefully if my subconscious is over this I can get that little heartbroken guy on his feet. Sorry I'm ranting again. its just that talking about this to whoever, whether family or an anonymous Internet board member just let's me sort my thoughts and get outside opinions.
drifter777 Posted March 17, 2013 Posted March 17, 2013 I think the biggest thing that kept our fairly poor relationship together on my part was my fear of being alone. She was my first love/ first person I really let in. And even after this episode my immediate reaction was to be angry but try to hope there was a way. Most of us totally understand this and I'm happy you ultimately did what's best for you. You will find other girls, you will find love again. Work to get to zero contact for a month or so and you will be surprised how much "over" her you will be. 1
BetrayedH Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I think the biggest thing that kept our fairly poor relationship together on my part was my fear of being alone. She was my first love/ first person I really let in. And even after this episode my immediate reaction was to be angry but try to hope there was a way. There isn't. Now I'm trying to rebuild. I'm such a routine person and this has shook my life to the core. I have to move, put myself out there. I really want the next girl to be the one. But I'm 23! I know the next is not likely the last. It's such a frightening thought. Especially considering I put over 2 years of investment in this girl. It's going to be a while before I can be the same with another girl and it may be months or years before I even start that process. I have such a fear if rejection that its probably the reason I waited Til I was 21 to get in a serious relationship. Don't know how to overcome this.. It doesn't help that I and the ex's routines cross paths in this small town. I want her to go. I'm trying to be as mature as possible with it. We have mutual friends; maybe one day we can be cool in each others presence. She's just acting too cool too soon. I've had some intimate dreams with a couple girls I know. Some sex, some just intimate like there's something there. And it just felt right in the dream. Hopefully if my subconscious is over this I can get that little heartbroken guy on his feet. Sorry I'm ranting again. its just that talking about this to whoever, whether family or an anonymous Internet board member just let's me sort my thoughts and get outside opinions. Dude, you can rant, ramble, and vent here as much as it works for you. Lots of people here know where you're coming from. Try not to beat yourself up too harshly. Remember that you didn't ask for all this. Try not to internalize it too much. Running to another man says a whole lot more about her than it does you. 1
Author toc200 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 I have gone to see a counsellor a couple of times. She pretty much said I have a fear of rejection/performance anxiety. The anxiety comes from me consciously thinking about my next sexual encounter being awkward because I have been with the same girl for 2.5 years. And all I can think about when it comes to sex right now was her sex. We had great sex. I don't know if Ill ever find another girl as passionate and adventurous as her. However when I did sloppily make out with that girl at the bar I was bummed that it was cut short and didn't lead to anything else as she was on her way out. Also in my recent dreams with another girl it did lead to sex that wasn't awkward feeling but great. I realize that both instances were either drunk or in a dream but the fact that there was no anxiety, maybe that means something?? Like when I do start to hook up it won't have that awkwardness.. How long did you guys wait to hook up after BU. I feel like the longer I wait potentially the weirder it will be.. The counsellor gave me some exercises to deal with these two issues regardless. Sort of a personification of them lol. This lady was great to talk to. I've been seeking advice everywhere and one piece that sort of irked me was from my sister. She said I was feeling sorry for myself and I am dwelling. I told her that I'm less than a month into this and I find it hard to think about anything else when everything reminds me of the ex. She just said Im dwelling and need to focus on me and get my life on track. I really didnt like being told I feel sorry for myself.. So to summarize, Does my dream and drunken make out mean that the anxiety is in my head and all will be fine when I do start to hook up? How long did you guys take to hook up after a break up? Did waiting make it worse? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Are people starting to get sick of hearing about my heartbreak?
aed Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I have gone to see a counsellor a couple of times. She pretty much said I have a fear of rejection/performance anxiety. The anxiety comes from me consciously thinking about my next sexual encounter being awkward because I have been with the same girl for 2.5 years. And all I can think about when it comes to sex right now was her sex. We had great sex. I don't know if Ill ever find another girl as passionate and adventurous as her. However when I did sloppily make out with that girl at the bar I was bummed that it was cut short and didn't lead to anything else as she was on her way out. Also in my recent dreams with another girl it did lead to sex that wasn't awkward feeling but great. I realize that both instances were either drunk or in a dream but the fact that there was no anxiety, maybe that means something?? Like when I do start to hook up it won't have that awkwardness.. How long did you guys wait to hook up after BU. I feel like the longer I wait potentially the weirder it will be.. The counsellor gave me some exercises to deal with these two issues regardless. Sort of a personification of them lol. This lady was great to talk to. I've been seeking advice everywhere and one piece that sort of irked me was from my sister. She said I was feeling sorry for myself and I am dwelling. I told her that I'm less than a month into this and I find it hard to think about anything else when everything reminds me of the ex. She just said Im dwelling and need to focus on me and get my life on track. I really didnt like being told I feel sorry for myself.. So to summarize, Does my dream and drunken make out mean that the anxiety is in my head and all will be fine when I do start to hook up? How long did you guys take to hook up after a break up? Did waiting make it worse? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Are people starting to get sick of hearing about my heartbreak? Normally I would wait to get the ex out of my system. In your case I would say go look around. You don't have to consider your exgf's feelings, because she ****ed up not the other way around. No reason to hate her etc. But let's be fair consider her and her feelings etc in this situation, will only make it more difficult to separate from the relationship. If you are looking for a new gf etc... I would still wait. You need to give this a place somewhere and when you jump in a new situation to soon. You probably will have major trust issue's or wurst you will end up cheating....
Silveron Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 Toc.. when my ex-fiancée cheated on me and left me for my best friend at that time our situation was like yours, the communication got bad and we drifted apart. She filled that void with him. Like you I was torn a lot and had many different feelings. During the next few months she would contact me and want to 'hang out' yet she was still with him. After that happened, I hated women in general. Even though I didn't date anyone for a year and my attitude changed somewhat with women, it was easy to go out and sleep with them. I wasn't looking for sex, it just happened they would pursue this with me. It was an ego stroke and each girl I was with was a little bit of a sweet revenge to what my ex did to me. After a few months of that I had to start looking at myself. I hate to face the harsh reality that even though she cheated that SOMETHING had to have caused this. Instead of putting all the blame on her (not for the cheating, but the drifting apart) I had to face myself. This took effort because I had to constructively critize myself and find resolution. And I tell you, it hurt. Thinking back on all the times that I didn't talk to her and walked away.. All the times that I gave up emotionally because I didn't have answers for her and the times I showed my frustration and upsetment because I didn't know how to communicate with her. Back to your situation. Yes you feel resentment, betrayal and lied to. Did it cheapen what you two had? No, it didn't. Was it fair she did this? No. However don't look at all the negatives, look at yourself and what YOU did during the relationship. Recognize that and work on that. Your ex is NOT a bad person, she made a bad choice and she is facing the consequences. She is young and was immature in what she did, however one mistake does not define a person. I'm not saying get back with her, but at some point she is going to truly realize that you do not love her any more and she will go on with her life and the contact between you and her will stop for good. Re-read that last paragraph. If that is something you can accept and know that you will no longer feel love for her then just ready yourself emotionally for the next girl without comparing her to your ex. If this is something that scares you, then I believe there is more you need to explore with your ex before ending it. Only you have that answer.
Darren Steez Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I think the biggest thing that kept our fairly poor relationship together on my part was my fear of being alone. She was my first love/ first person I really let in. And even after this episode my immediate reaction was to be angry but try to hope there was a way. There isn't. Now I'm trying to rebuild. I'm such a routine person and this has shook my life to the core. I have to move, put myself out there. I really want the next girl to be the one. But I'm 23! I know the next is not likely the last. It's such a frightening thought. Especially considering I put over 2 years of investment in this girl. It's going to be a while before I can be the same with another girl and it may be months or years before I even start that process. I have such a fear if rejection that its probably the reason I waited Til I was 21 to get in a serious relationship. Don't know how to overcome this.. It doesn't help that I and the ex's routines cross paths in this small town. I want her to go. I'm trying to be as mature as possible with it. We have mutual friends; maybe one day we can be cool in each others presence. She's just acting too cool too soon. I've had some intimate dreams with a couple girls I know. Some sex, some just intimate like there's something there. And it just felt right in the dream. Hopefully if my subconscious is over this I can get that little heartbroken guy on his feet. Sorry I'm ranting again. its just that talking about this to whoever, whether family or an anonymous Internet board member just let's me sort my thoughts and get outside opinions. And this is the biggest thing. Routine. Habits. Stuff we get used to. Having a person in your life is no small thing, especially when it comes to love. That's why breaking up always sucks, it hurts, of course it does. But it's not a race to see who heals first, because it's a false race, like trying to run up a fast moving escalator yet you still remain in the same place. The harsh truth is sometimes you don't get over it..it remains with you, but like with time it slowly becomes nothing more than a distant echo. You still feel it at times, just less so. Dude heal at your own pace. Of course don't wallow and feel sorry for yourself but when you go out and meet girls don't feel guilty..HAVE FUN!! Be selfish and use this time for you. Breaking sucks but it's part of life. The circle breaks and you start over again, but never lose sight of what's important and that's always you.
Author toc200 Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 She texted me a couple days ago, saying she would leave our town shortly. She also asked if we could talk because she was lonely and wanted to talk with someone who knows her. Says I'm a great guy and wants to be friends with me like some of her friends and their exes. So last night we agreed to meet for a couple drinks. We went for a short walk and drank a few beer. We were both hungry so we went to a local pub and ate. At first there seemed to be a little tension. Mostly on my part. But we talked more so about our futures and what we planned to do. After a while the tension went away. We briefly chatted about the relationship; how in the last month of our couple she saw me in a new light as a great guy but just not for her. She said she knew she would Always want to go home for family in the end. This would probably have been a major problem for me as my life is here. She brought up our sex life and how it was great, though sometimes she felt pressured to give me a night to remember every time. Which I admit I got used to because she always dolled up and went all 9 yards. She laughed how she gave the best BJs. -is this acceptable talk in this scenario ? She asked if I had hooked up yet. She said she hadn't been with another guy yet. I was honest and just told her I had made out with some girl from out of town. She got angry a bit. "but it's another girl!" She responded when I told her that we are single now. But she calmed down and we talked more, quite happily. Now here's where it gets weird. We decided to go back to my place to watch a show. We both work quite early and at around 11:00 PM she says she's tired but its too late for her to walk home from my place ( Literally a 5 minute walk from my house). I told her if she likes she can crash on the couch. She agreed. As we watched the show on the couch she started to fall asleep. I asked if I should just finish my show in the room but she asked me to stay.. I ended up falling asleep next to her. Laying foot to head on the couch. I woke up several hours later and went to my bed. I woke up and went to work at 6 leaving her on the couch. She text later and we both agreed the night as friends was successful, we both said we didn't feel weird falling asleep together. I truly don't feel like I hope this night is going to lead back into a relationship but I do want her in my life as a friend. Am I Pushing any reasonable boundaries? Do you think she has another motive with all this? Why ask me to stay? Fellow LS'ers, what is your take? Share
Author toc200 Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 My Dad told me that it's going to be a while before this isn't fresh in my mind and always in my head. He said we're young and likely to be doing our own things for a while and given the space perhaps one day we'll talk and look back in perspective and make the right decision. I don't want to hold onto the thought of hopefully getting back with her one day. I've got these 2 minds and they're constantly fighting. I float back and forth between two towns where we had lived in both and everything reminds me of her, and usually in a good way. The one side of me romanticizes everything; never remembers the bad times. Do you know of anything to stop the memories lol? I want to be with another girl, i miss that companionship. I have a couple girls who are interested in me already but I just can't get her out of my brain yet! Short of time I don't know what to try.
LSTom Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Nah, she was just looking for the first opportunity to get with someone else. It took her less than 12 hours. Yeah, I bet she's sorry. If take her back, that'd be great because there one less land mine out there for the rest of us to avoid.
Darren Steez Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Be honest Toc, you took her back to your house because you really expected something to happen didn't you? I refer back to the point where you were talking and you said you kissed someone, you didn't have to tell her that, maybe you enjoyed the reaction you got out of her because very quickly you told her you were now single to placate her. If you're truly being honest with yourself, part of you wants to reconcile of you got the chance. Don't open yourself up to a fresh round of disappointment 1
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