Just found out.

[Try]

mI know who the guy is, I've met him once. A co-employee of hers.

OK now that we know that it was someone that she knows and works with, that changes everything. She did not break up with you and happen to meet a guy at a bar while drunk. She picked a fight so that she could break up with you with the intent of going out with this guy that night. She got drunk so that she could have a false excuse to hide behind when she had sex with him; being drunk is no excuse. This is standard cheaters 101 stuff. Right out of the cheaters script. He had been flirting and hitting on her at work and she wanted to try him out.

 

As humans no one is perfect, but cheaters hold you to a standard of perfection because they know as a human that you will fail this impossible test. They do not hold themselves to such a standard, just you. This allows them to blame shift their cheating onto you. They know that as a decent person you will try to always strive to do the right thing, and feel bad when you do not succeed. Do not buy into this. Just that fact that you care proves that you are good enough. She cheated because she wanted to, plain and simple. Everything else she said is standard cheaters bullsh*t.

[animalover]

OK now that we know that it was someone that she knows and works with, that changes everything. She did not break up with you and happen to meet a guy at a bar while drunk. She picked a fight so that she could break up with you with the intent of going out with this guy that night. She got drunk so that she could have a false excuse to hide behind when she had sex with him; being drunk is no excuse. This is standard cheaters 101 stuff. Right out of the cheaters script. He had been flirting and hitting on her at work and she wanted to try him out.

 

As humans no one is perfect, but cheaters hold you to a standard of perfection because they know as a human that you will fail this impossible test. They do not hold themselves to such a standard, just you. This allows them to blame shift their cheating onto you. They know that as a decent person you will try to always strive to do the right thing, and feel bad when you do not succeed. Do not buy into this. Just that fact that you care proves that you are good enough. She cheated because she wanted to, plain and simple. Everything else she said is standard cheaters bullsh*t.

 

That is exactly why I tried to say with my bellow quoted post... she just picked the fight to break up and go bang the other guy she was lusting for... Once she got what she wanted she came back to our OP gladly wanting to reconcile... just confessing her little "mistke"!

The rest of your life will be...

 

Girlfriend is horny and lusting another guy:

 

Gf: I am breaking with you... it is over!

Op: please let's try it again!

Gf: it is over

 

She goes and bang the other guy and next morning.

 

Gf: I am in love with you again but I made a little mistake...I accidentally felt on this guy I was lusting pennies.

Op: no problem it was outside the relationship....

 

Dude...what is your deal breaker...do you really have such a low esteem?

Honestly she has played you good enough to cheat on you and still make you feel it was your fault...

Drop her like a hot potato...she is bad news...

[wintersun]

This is a tough one... I'm really divided on what would I do in your situation.

 

On one hand, she told you. She could just keep it to herself and move on. That might show that she loves you, that even with the possibility of ruining the relation, she felt that she had to be honest with you.

 

On the other hand, I don't think I would ever be able to trust on her. I could pretend I would, but every time she would leave the house to be with friends, parties, etc... I would be scared.

 

I have some trust issues, because of my 2 long term relationships I had in the past. For me, a lie, is the worst thing someone could give me, but in this case, she didn't lie... I'm divided. Sorry.

 

Cheers mate

[road]

Things rarely "just happen". So she went out that night and happened to bump into a co-worker who was also out that night at the same place.

 

You don't just suddenly feel attracted to someone you work with, then sleep with them, there had to be an attraction at some point which she then acted on.

 

The fact she was so willing to split up with you, then after she sleep with him, get back together should be a red flag.

 

Get the facts first about how they met etc, but it's pretty damning that just a couple of hours after you split she was already in bed with someone else.

 

 

Exactly.

 

I have seen a premeditated break up for the purpose for the GF to take a new guy she had the hots for, for a test ride. She got her ride.

 

A bad sign that she just happened to meet up with a co worker. Never happened to me or anyone that I know.

 

A bad sign that a girl will meet someone in a bar for the first time then go home and bang him that night.

 

Yes people are encouraged to recover marriages and then there are times a marriage should not be saved.

 

You are not married, you have no valid reason to save this relationship. This is a relationship that must be terminated.

[Chi townD]

What exactly did she say she was going to work on?

[Darren Steez]

This is a tough one... I'm really divided on what would I do in your situation.

 

On one hand, she told you. She could just keep it to herself and move on. That might show that she loves you, that even with the possibility of ruining the relation, she felt that she had to be honest with you.

 

On the other hand, I don't think I would ever be able to trust on her. I could pretend I would, but every time she would leave the house to be with friends, parties, etc... I would be scared.

 

I have some trust issues, because of my 2 long term relationships I had in the past. For me, a lie, is the worst thing someone could give me, but in this case, she didn't lie... I'm divided. Sorry.

 

Cheers mate

Thing is he already said it's a small town so more than likely she was seen a) all over this guy or flirting then probably leaving so she had to come out with it before OP found out from someone else.

[Darren Steez]

Exactly.

 

I have seen a premeditated break up for the purpose for the GF to take a new guy she had the hots for, for a test ride. She got her ride.

 

A bad sign that she just happened to meet up with a co worker. Never happened to me or anyone that I know.

 

A bad sign that a girl will meet someone in a bar for the first time then go home and bang him that night.

 

Yes people are encouraged to recover marriages and then there are times a marriage should not be saved.

 

You are not married, you have no valid reason to save this relationship. This is a relationship that must be terminated.

 

Exactly you break up, then you go to a bar where you meet someone you work with, it's a big thing to make the step up to sleeping with them, unless of course there has been previous.

[Jonah]

It's just another thing that happened in the midst of two chaotic lives. And it could have very well happened to you the same way except it is much easier for a girl to fling free pussy so you are at a bit of a disadvantage there. You both need to stabilize your lives separately then maybe give it another try after you both grow up. Hold no bones against this girl. You are no better.

[Ellin]

My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I have been fighting for the last week. She said it was over, and at first I was playing my cards of "whatever, Im over this too" but it wasn't true. She told me how she wanted to move back home and didn't see a future with me. She left Sunday night to go out with some friends, she was very angry with me and I with her, she still said it was over and I just asked her to talk about it in the morning; that I would give her space for the night.

 

Well she came home the next day after her night with friends and still was adamant about us being over but we hung out completely amicably for the day. I said that it was best that we were over and tried to support her decision.

 

Later that night I started to panic. I couldnt sleep, or be alone with my own thoughts. I called my family and asked for their advice. I couldnt lose this girl. I drew up a list of things I would do better. Be a less cold person, move with her back to her hometown so she could go to school and give her space. Amazingly after hearing me out, she agreed! We hugged and kissed for a few moments but I could see something was wrong? I asked "what's up?" and she said "I made a mistake".. my heart sank. I knew immediately. She started apologizing, saying that at the time we both knew it was over. That she was so intoxicated. It only happened the one time that night. That she's so mad with herself because of hurting me and ruining a friendship. She said I am worth fighting for and that she loves me and will do whatever it takes.

 

I walked around the appartment in a pace. I loved and still love this girl with all my heart. I feel shocked, enraged, sad and confused all at once. I am searching the internet, looking for stories of people who have made it. I told her we could fix it, and she so happily agreed. Unbelievably we got each other off not too long after this. I didnt get any flashes or have a trigger go off. We went out for dinner and had a bottle of wine. We fell asleep last night in each others arms, it was only til now that I woke up to a racing mind. I hope I haven't led her on

 

Part of my wants to stay with this girl. I love our life; we both could have learned how to communicate better. Another part of me wants to go out and sleep with the first girl I can. Like it'd be the only thing that could fix this. But mostly I want her. Truth be told, when she left that night I thought it was over; I didnt think Id have a chance to have her back. Im too ashamed to talk to anyone I know about this and hope no one finds out.

 

From what Ive read on LS things can go all ways. Some say once a cheater, always. Others say the fact that this was a one time thing, done in a very dark time of the relationship (possibly already being broken up, depending how viewed) and other mostly irrelevant details like being drunk.

 

What do you think?

You know the reason for the initial break-up, right? There was a good reason, was there? It wasn't because something was already going on with the other guy? And afterwards things went wrong for her with him and she came back to you?

 

Sorry, maybe I read too many stories on this board where more and more lies are discovered over time...

[BetrayedH]

You know the reason for the initial break-up, right? There was a good reason, was there? It wasn't because something was already going on with the other guy? And afterwards things went wrong for her with him and she came back to you?

 

Sorry, maybe I read too many stories on this board where more and more lies are discovered over time...

 

This is why I initially said to make sure you find out the truth. It's remarkable how deep the rabbit hole can go and how much people can lie. Knew my wife for 20 years, or so I thought. I seriously didn't think she was capable of what she did and it was demented. 20 years and I didn't know jack crap.

 

As for your GF, I was encouraged that her texts with her friend validated her story of this being a drunken ONS but I'd still be trying to verify.

[JourneyLady]

I'm of an older age and I have seen a lot go down. If the relationship was in such a shambles, it sounds like there were a lot of problems there. I can tell you that even a good woman is susceptible to this if her emotional needs aren't being met at home. As the good Dr. Harley on marriage builders puts it; "We are all wired for affairs!"

 

It doesn't have to have been pre-planned on her part for this to occur. They were in the process of breaking up and had agreed to it. Her emotional needs weren't getting met for a while, it sounds like. I'm betting this guy at work had his eyes on her and was willing to meet those needs. She was probably upset and he was consoling her ("Let me take your mind off things!") and maybe hoping to break them up permanently when she got drunk enough to sleep with him. Disappointed and upset women are easy for a man to take advantage of the situation.

 

The fact that she was HONEST with him about what occurred is a very good sign. A cheater may cheat again (but that's not what this was) but someone who is honest won't normally turn into a liar overnight. If she was honest enough to fess up, this is someone who he will likely see signs if she hides anything ever again. That's good and strengthens a relationship.

 

Men often cheat because they aren't getting sex at home. Women often cheat because they aren't getting emotional needs met at home. It sounds to me like she had given up on getting those needs met, and then he comes to her and says "Let's not break up after all. I will change and try and meet your needs." She wasn't expecting that to ever happen!'

 

If it were me, I wouldn't have expected that from him after a week of fighting either. At that point it's "I want to feel better. What do I have to lose?"

 

Now, I'm old enough to know better than do what she did. (My ex-bf probably isn't mature enough to hold himself back I bet.) But these being younger people, this kind of stuff happens. Mistakes are how we learn. She undoubtedly feels bad for not only disappointing him but for doubting him as well.

[BetrayedH]

I'm of an older age and I have seen a lot go down. If the relationship was in such a shambles, it sounds like there were a lot of problems there. I can tell you that even a good woman is susceptible to this if her emotional needs aren't being met at home. As the good Dr. Harley on marriage builders puts it; "We are all wired for affairs!"

 

It doesn't have to have been pre-planned on her part for this to occur. They were in the process of breaking up and had agreed to it. Her emotional needs weren't getting met for a while, it sounds like. I'm betting this guy at work had his eyes on her and was willing to meet those needs. She was probably upset and he was consoling her ("Let me take your mind off things!") and maybe hoping to break them up permanently when she got drunk enough to sleep with him. Disappointed and upset women are easy for a man to take advantage of the situation.

 

The fact that she was HONEST with him about what occurred is a very good sign. A cheater may cheat again (but that's not what this was) but someone who is honest won't normally turn into a liar overnight. If she was honest enough to fess up, this is someone who he will likely see signs if she hides anything ever again. That's good and strengthens a relationship.

 

Men often cheat because they aren't getting sex at home. Women often cheat because they aren't getting emotional needs met at home. It sounds to me like she had given up on getting those needs met, and then he comes to her and says "Let's not break up after all. I will change and try and meet your needs." She wasn't expecting that to ever happen!'

 

If it were me, I wouldn't have expected that from him after a week of fighting either. At that point it's "I want to feel better. What do I have to lose?"

 

Now, I'm old enough to know better than do what she did. (My ex-bf probably isn't mature enough to hold himself back I bet.) But these being younger people, this kind of stuff happens. Mistakes are how we learn. She undoubtedly feels bad for not only disappointing him but for doubting him as well.

 

My gut says this post is right on track.

[BetrayedH]

Well, except for the pedestalization of the Harley methods and the myth that people cheat because they're not getting something from their primary relationship.

 

Even Steve Harley has said that people don't have affairs because of unmet needs, but because they don't protect their relationship from their own weaknesses.

 

Young people are more likely than old people 2 believe that romantic love is what life is all about. It takes years, maybe even decades, 2 truly understand that real love is in the conscious decision 2 be loving, not in your feelings.

 

I just don't think these youngsters should go crazy trying 2 patch this relationship up. It might take a little humility 2 admit they both made a mistake getting so serious so early, but if they can then maybe they can move forward as friends and maybe find love again someday.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I can see what you're saying, too. (I'm all over the place on this thread). One thing that gives me pause on reconciling this one is their age and frankly, the OPs fence-sitting about either working it out or going out to get laid. Reconciliation/forgiveness is too difficult to go into it half-hearted. I get the impression that he's going to cut his losses and just find another girl. Maybe it's the right thing for him. To me, it shows the commitment difference between a young GF/BF situation and that of a couple that's been married for a while. My decision was freaking torture. When you think you're with "the one," it's harder to leave. I would imagine the fact that they were just GF/BF (and breaking up at the time) must make it easier.

[Chi townD]

 

It doesn't have to have been pre-planned on her part for this to occur. They were in the process of breaking up and had agreed to it. Her emotional needs weren't getting met for a while, it sounds like. I'm betting this guy at work had his eyes on her and was willing to meet those needs. She was probably upset and he was consoling her ("Let me take your mind off things!") and maybe hoping to break them up permanently when she got drunk enough to sleep with him. Disappointed and upset women are easy for a man to take advantage of the situation.

 

 

I get what you're saying. But, in my opinion, some things are not adding up to me. They fight, break it off and she leaves for a night out. Meets up with a co-worker (by chance) and sleeps with him within hours of leaving her boyfriend. People have posted that, that is too much of a coincidence that this co-worker just HAPPENED to show up where they were at. She, more than likely, informed him where they would be at. She made the choice to sleep with this guy very easily.

 

Now, for her to do that so easily, I can agree with you that this guy was probably meeting her emotional needs for her to give it up to this guy within hours of ending the relationship. Something was probably already there. Some sort of attraction that has been established. But, if this guy was meeting her emotional needs prior to the break up, well....isn't that the definition of an emotional affair? Therefore; if this is the case, then she WAS cheating during the relationship. She allowed herself to get emotionally involved with this guy prior to leaving the relationship. AND it could explain all the fighting prior to the break up. It's not so easy to cheat on a SO when you think they are absolutely wonderful. Therefore, she could have subconsiously started fights with her boyfriend and goated him into the break up. It's easier to cheat when you're not happy with the person your with. Easier to give yourself permission to go through with it when you're mad at them. Justifying your behavior with the thought of, "I wouldn't be doing this if he/she wasn't such a jackass. If he/she was a better boyfriend/girlfriend I wouldn't be here right now." Anything to justify that it's okay in their head and try to minimize the guilt.

[MYCluciferase]

Toc,

 

You had come to a mutual decision to split at the time this 'mistake' happened (even though the decision was a sort of 'testing the water' which let you both discover that you really cared a lot more about each other than you realized).

 

So if you were officially 'over' when this happened, even if only temporarily, I don't think it counts too much against your girlfriend. It sounds like you were both somewhat devastated by your relationship breakup, and weren't in a good shape at that time.

 

To put it glibly, different people deal with emotional upset in different ways.

 

If you'd had friends who realized you were down and took you out to a bar that night a brought you drinks to cheer you up and then a great-looking woman had taken a shine to you, isn't it possible that you could have made the same mistake?

 

If you look at it from that angle it might help you understand what she feels and be more forgiving.

 

On the other hand, if you think there's more to this affair than she's letting on, you should find out all you can…

 

good luck...

[road]

Toc,

 

You had come to a mutual decision to split at the time this 'mistake' happened (even though the decision was a sort of 'testing the water' which let you both discover that you really cared a lot more about each other than you realized).

 

So if you were officially 'over' when this happened, even if only temporarily, I don't think it counts too much against your girlfriend. It sounds like you were both somewhat devastated by your relationship breakup, and weren't in a good shape at that time.

 

To put it glibly, different people deal with emotional upset in different ways.

 

If you'd had friends who realized you were down and took you out to a bar that night a brought you drinks to cheer you up and then a great-looking woman had taken a shine to you, isn't it possible that you could have made the same mistake?

 

If you look at it from that angle it might help you understand what she feels and be more forgiving.

 

On the other hand, if you think there's more to this affair than she's letting on, you should find out all you can…

 

good luck...

 

 

You need a reading comprehension test.

 

WW wanted a separation.

 

That night WW is banging OM/co worker.

 

Separationt was WW's plan to be able to have a test ride on OM and claim well we were separated so it was not an affair.

 

This woman did not walk into the bar and accidentally fall onto the OM's sausage and meatballs.

 

This woman was having an EA with her co worker to the point that she knew he wanted to hook up with her.

 

This was a fully planed affair. There was no accident of fate. Unless you really believe his WW DID fall onto the OM's sausage.

 

You want to buy a bridge in Brooklyn?

[BetrayedH]

You need a reading comprehension test.

 

WW wanted a separation.

 

That night WW is banging OM/co worker.

 

Separationt was WW's plan to be able to have a test ride on OM and claim well we were separated so it was not an affair.

 

This woman did not walk into the bar and accidentally fall onto the OM's sausage and meatballs.

 

This woman was having an EA with her co worker to the point that she knew he wanted to hook up with her.

 

This was a fully planed affair. There was no accident of fate. Unless you really believe his WW DID fall onto the OM's sausage.

 

You want to buy a bridge in Brooklyn?

 

Perhaps you're the one that needs that test. There is no WW as no one in this situation is married. And there was no "separation;" the OP made it clear about six times over that both he and his GF considered their relationship to be done. These were even highlighted by James earlier in the thread.

 

I also agree with the previous poster that if the OP had been taken out by his buds out to a bar after a traumatic break-up, it's not a stretch to think he might have been very susceptible to the attention of another girl.

 

If she was evil and calculating, she wouldn't have so readily confessed.

[JamesM]

I agree with BH...

 

Road, you are making way too many assumptions.

 

If I were to make any assumptions, then it would be that the coworker was a confidant and friend...nothing more from her side. However, I would assume then that the coworker DID have feelings for this girl and WHEN THERE WAS A BREAKUP...hence no relationship, he felt it was okay to pursue her further on the night that these friends went out for a few drinks.

 

Him knowing that she was now alone and single. Her knowing that her relationship was over and feeling depressed and lonely.

 

They hooked up.

 

No relationship=No cheating.

 

Planned? Not really and certainly not from what we have been told.

[JamesM]

It is not a problem that the co worker did pursue her the day they have broken up... is how did he found out????

 

He found out when they went out for a few drinks. She was sad and lonely and available. He always liked her and was sympathetic to her situation. She felt a void. He always liked her. She was weaker from the emotional pain and alcohol.

 

They hooked up as two single people do sometimes for the evening.

[BetrayedH]

How curious how she just got to meat with the co worker she wanted to bang in the exact moment she broke the relationship... wow... I guess she didn't plan it at all....

 

Considering that they were coworkers, it wouldn't surprise me at all if they socialized in the same circles. And the OP said it's a small town and he has his own concerns about bumping into the OM. Doesn't seem a stretch to me that they landed in the same bar.

 

She hooked up with a guy she found attractive. Who else would she hook up with? If it wasn't him, perhaps it would have been some other attractive dude she found at the bar. Not the best coping mechanism, to be sure. But it doesn't mean that it was coldly calculated and planned.

 

And my question remains, if she was this calculating, then why the voluntary confession? If this was just a test drive of the OM, she could have easily not mentioned it, especially since they have broken up. Instead she voluntarily confesses and agrees to a bunch of terms for wayward spouses? That was her plan all along? I doubt it.

[JamesM]

I am sorry... single or not I will not take back a woman who went to sleep with another guy some hours later than we broke up.. and then she comes back next day to tell me how sorry she is?? Things are not that easy in my book....

 

I agree with you on this. I think I would look elsewhere for a relationship.

 

But for the OP...I am guessing it isn't easy to let her go either.

[road]

Perhaps you're the one that needs that test. There is no WW as no one in this situation is married. And there was no "separation;" the OP made it clear about six times over that both he and his GF considered their relationship to be done. These were even highlighted by James earlier in the thread.

 

I also agree with the previous poster that if the OP had been taken out by his buds out to a bar after a traumatic break-up, it's not a stretch to think he might have been very susceptible to the attention of another girl.

 

If she was evil and calculating, she wouldn't have so readily confessed.

 

 

Not reading comp but faulty memory.

 

Change WW to WGF and everything still stands.

[BetrayedH]

Not reading comp but faulty memory.

 

Change WW to WGF and everything still stands.

 

Except that the W doesn't apply either; replace it with an x. You also have yet to explain why she would so readily confess if she planned this whole thing. But what else is new? Not every scenario fits in the same box.

[road]

Except that the W doesn't apply either; replace it with an x. You also have yet to explain why she would so readily confess if she planned this whole thing. But what else is new? Not every scenario fits in the same box.

 

 

Wayward EX Girl Friend, WXGF.

 

Confess, rather spin a tail of damage control.

 

WXGF, knows that her friends know that she banged OM's brains out that night.

 

After the ride at the "OM Amusement Park", WXGF found that the OM was fizzled out because the OM was all sizzle but no steak.

 

OM failed the try out. After WXGF got done riding the OM she decided to leave the OM back in her dust as she rode away from that night.

 

So standard WW/WXGF move from the cheater's plan book is to do damage control. Now this WXGF, aka cheating ho ex girl friend, CHXGF, will trickle truth what happened to get her BF to sallow her kool aid and take her back.

 

The WXGF/CHXGF did not confess to all the behind the scenes she put into place so that she could bang the manure out of the OM, but only put a spin on what happened to minimize the details for the purpose of damage control.

[BetrayedH]

I see two possible scenarios here. One is road's theory that she intended to take the OM for a spin and had buyer's remorse (despicable). The other is that she went thru a traumatic break-up after a 2 year investment with her BF and the OM was a regrettable rebound (not so despicable and perhaps forgivable).

 

Which is true? Heck if I know. For the record, I encouraged the OP to find out the truth. Would I question her feelings for me if she was able to so quickly give herself to another man? Absolutely. I would take my time making my decision and ask for some brutal honesty. And even still, I might not be able to stomach the mind movies. She would otherwise have to be worth it.

 

If you can't consider forgiveness when you're not married (and broken up, in fact), and it was a confirmed ONS, that was immediately and voluntarily confessed, and the "wayward" signs up for whatever she can do to repair the relationship, then when can you consider it?