Just found out.

[JamesM]

Yep! I guess it is time for a re-read. She stated that he's worth fighting for. That she loves him and will do whatever it takes.

 

Yes, she did. We agree.

 

Hmmm.... to me, that sounds like someone that has a lot of guilt. But, according to your logic, she has absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about!

 

Actually as far as cheating a relationship, she does not. However, as she well knew, her actions would hurt him. She may have felt guilt for the pain she knew she had caused him. Was it a mistake? Yes, if she wanted to start where they left off. Was it cheating? If they had broken the relationship as toc2000 said repeatedly, then no.

 

So, why the remorse?

 

She knew he would be hurt.

 

I speculate that in her heart, she knew that this was a form of cheating.

 

Yes, you do speculate. I am not trying to speculate too much, but I don't know her mind any better than you do.

 

She fought with him, left him that night and got laid by some other dude.

 

Actually, they fought for at least a week, and THEN BROKE UP. That is what you call a technicality. However, it is a reality. In both of their minds, this relationship was over.

 

All within hours of being with him.

 

Yes, but that doesn't change the fact that they had broken up to the point that he didn't think he had a chance of starting over with her.

 

That totally disrespected him,

 

Yes, and it would hurt.

 

that totally disrespected the relationship that they once had

 

Hmmm...they DID "once have: a relationship but no longer. Perhaps it was disrespectful, but it still wasn't cheating.

 

and her actions caused alot of pain

 

Yes, that is logical. It would have hurt me, too.

 

(even though you feel that his pain is unwarranted).

 

No, I think you misread me. I have simply said that this isn't a case of cheating as there was no relationship. If you read my posts again, then you will see that I could see how it would cause pain. He needs to deal with the pain and decide if she is worth starting over with.

 

Even though you feel she did nothing wrong, her statement to him paints a different picture.

 

I have said a few times that this is not about her cheating. She hurt him deeply by having sex with someone else. That she knows. But if there is no relationship, then there can not be cheating. That doesn't eliminate the hurt she caused.

 

toc2000, this is all about the pain and the sense of betrayal. Those are natural feelings. It is about her so easily moving on after you two broke up and dismissing a two year relationship so easily. This would be painful for anyone.

 

All I caution is that you don't get caught up in this being a case of cheating. It may seem like it as you were together for a couple of years, but it really wasn't. It is painful and needs some time for the pain to heal, but it is fixable.

 

Start over slowly with her and build a new relationship. You both need to make changes, and you may find that your new relationship is a much better one. However, if you think that this ONS is a deal breaker, then give yourself some space from her and decide if a new relationship is what you want.

[Ninja'sHusband]

She was honest, that's good, but someone who runs and has sex with someone else right of out the gate like that is huge red flag. My ex ended up kissing some other guy within a day or two of thinking our marriage was over (we never said that though)... Then 7 years later she cheated again, hotels, deception, the whole bit. The kiss thing was a warning to me to watch out, but I didn't. She ended up getting pregnant possibly with another man's child 18 years into our relationship. I wish I had seen that coming. The only signs I had from early on/dating years was that she was a little bit flirty that first year of dating. I talked to her about it and she seemed to calm down. It didn't seem like a big deal. Your sign is much clearer than mine was.

[drifter777]

One of the differences here from typical cheating or infidelity is that there is an absence of the usual lies, deception, and betrayal. Frankly, the deception is the hardest part to forgive.

 

In this case there was no deception. They were broken up and when they decided to get back together, she voluntarily and immediately disclosed a decision that she obviously regretted. That's huge. She isn't the typical cheater we see here.

 

I would certainly be very cautious and I would want both people to look very deeply at their commitment to the relationship (and at dealing with conflict) but this may end up being a much needed wake-up call for the relationship overall.

 

For most men the hardest part to forgive is the sex. Living with those images of your partner and another guy can turn out to be impossible for lots of guys.

[Cali408]

Break up with her and move on. It's relationships like this that keep up the 50% divorce rate.

[JamesM]

Forgiveness is a verb and something your cheating girlfriend has to earn. You have to be willing to honestly give her a chance to earn it, but it is not just a gift you can give to either of you.

 

While she wasn't his girlfriend and she wasn't cheating, you cannot forgive anyone until they ask for it. We forgive based on our own feelings not based on necessarily what someone earns. She will need to earn his love again.

 

 

Finally, you are not married and you don't have kids, why are you trying to reconcile? You will never erase the memory and you will never trust her fully again.

 

You do have to ask why start over. You do need to decide if she is worth it. However, you also need to get rid of the idea that she knew you two would get back together and that this relationship was still going on. Reading your words, I see that both of you thought it was over. Perhaps in her grief she slept with another man, but I can pretty much guarantee that it wasn't love. You certainly can trust her again as this wasn't a case of her breaking any relationship trust...as this relationship was broken.

 

Reconciliation is the hardest thing you will ever do and there's no guarantee it will even work out for you.

 

This is more of a case of starting over not reconciliation. It is difficult but certainly not impossible. Yes, I did it with my now wife.

 

Why put yourself through all of this pain and drama when you are so young and there are so many options available to you?

 

Good question. Is she still worth it?

Edited February 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JamesM]

For most men the hardest part to forgive is the sex. Living with those images of your partner and another guy can turn out to be impossible for lots of guys.

 

I think that is the part that hurts. How could she have sex with another man so quickly and do so not even out of love?

 

Is sex so trivial that it can be trampled up on so easily and shared with someone else so easily?

 

Is this a red flag of possible future actions?

[drifter777]

Yes, she did. We agree.

 

Actually as far as cheating a relationship, she does not. However, as she well knew, her actions would hurt him. She may have felt guilt for the pain she knew she had caused him. Was it a mistake? Yes, if she wanted to start where they left off. Was it cheating? If they had broken the relationship as toc2000 said repeatedly, then no.

 

What 2 1/2 year relationship hasn't had it's share of fights that end up with one of the two walking out and then coming back that night or the next day when they both cool down? A temporary break like this - out of passionate anger - is a real no-man's land as far as the cheating thing goes. I think the bottom line is that if it feels like a betrayal then who cares what label you place on it?

[NotCamelot]

She was honest' date=' that's good, but someone who runs and has sex with someone else right of out the gate like that is huge red flag. [/quote']

 

 

Going back, re-reading with more time on my hands......... I was going to say this as well.....NH beat me to it.

 

OP, give this some thought, seriously. What happens on the next argument when she leaves the house for a while. You will wonder if this is what she is doing. I would. Most would. You really need to work through this, because there are going to be arguments no matter what if you stay together.......

 

Love is indeed blind and if you can live with it, then so be it.

[JamesM]

What 2 1/2 year relationship hasn't had it's share of fights that end up with one of the two walking out and then coming back that night or the next day when they both cool down?

 

Where both thought that it was over? I doubt very many. In my 25 years with my wife, this has never happened. Even in our first years when our fights were more prevalent as we "blended," we never said we were over or leaving each other. We always knew that we would resolve our issues...even when we walked the town for a couple of hours.

 

If that was the case where there was a fight and a walkout with a return expected, then your point is well taken.

 

A temporary break like this - out of passionate anger - is a real no-man's land as far as the cheating thing goes.

 

In toc2000's mind, it seems to be. Reality is...both thought the relationship over.

 

 

I think the bottom line is that if it feels like a betrayal then who cares what label you place on it?

 

THIS is what it all comes down to...what it feels like and what it means. How does or will it affect the future with the gf? Is it worth starting a new relationship or is it better to move on?

 

That is the question that only he can answer.

[animalover]

The rest of your life will be...

 

Girlfriend is horny and lusting another guy:

 

Gf: I am breaking with you... it is over!

Op: please let's try it again!

Gf: it is over

 

She goes and bang the other guy and next morning.

 

Gf: I am in love with you again but I made a little mistake...I accidentally felt on this guy I was lusting pennies.

Op: no problem it was outside the relationship....

 

Dude...what is your deal breaker...do you really have such a low estime?

Honestly she has played you good enough to cheat on you and still make you feel it was your fault...

Drop her like a hot potato...she is bad news...

[drifter777]

JamesM: Don't want to get into the "what is forgiveness" or "time heals all wounds" things because we simply disagree.

 

Being married is something that usually keeps partners from walking out after a nasty fight, but not always. I think it's much more common when just living together. I did it, my wife did it, and I put up quite a few friends on my couch for a day or so for the same reason. They always got back together.

 

OP: JamesM and I are asking a lot of the same questions and you should think about how you feel about them. Is this all really worth it? Do you think it will be possible to live with the images & memories? Is the way she jumped into the sack with a co-worker a glimpse into what's really going on between them? Is this really the kind of person she is?

[Owl]

Here's my take. Being in a relationship before marriage is like the test drive of a new car.

 

She was unhappy to the point where, apparently within hours of deciding it was over, she went out, got drunk, and was 'with' someone else.

 

You've learned all you needed to learn on this test drive. I'd suggest a new ride, personally. This one has some obviousl flaws that probably make it not worth trying to invest further into.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not sure we need to decide that this is how she handle all conflicts in the future.

 

I wonder if she hadn't just gone thru what she perceived as a very traumatic break-up, got drunk, and grabbed onto the first external validation she saw. Not saying that's what happened but it's possible and in my mind, it's far less of a negative than the view that she was just glad to go out and screw at the first opportunity without any grief over the loss of the relationship. Seeking solace from another person may have been part of the grief process with her.

 

As others have suggested, I think the OP needs to take his time trying to determine if this might be a pattern that may repeat itself (a character issue, perhaps) or if she may be one of those people that learns from a tragic mistake.

[Darren Steez]

Things rarely "just happen". So she went out that night and happened to bump into a co-worker who was also out that night at the same place.

 

You don't just suddenly feel attracted to someone you work with, then sleep with them, there had to be an attraction at some point which she then acted on.

 

The fact she was so willing to split up with you, then after she sleep with him, get back together should be a red flag.

 

Get the facts first about how they met etc, but it's pretty damning that just a couple of hours after you split she was already in bed with someone else.

[toc200]

I appreciate everybody's responses. Seems opinions are very divided here too. I understand Jame's point, he understands that it doesnt take away the pain. i understand the opinion of the terrible timing.. I love this girl a lot. So much that I'm looking for success stories and what it took. I think I am going to find a place for the next few days and see what her next moves are. I told her that I wasn't necessarily saying no to her. But we need space. Thoughts?

 

Also, the guy is single, so no SO to alert or not.

 

Our relationship even with its ups and downs has been very rewarding. We have grown a lot. I have personal friends who have gone through worse (prolonged, deceptive, sober cheating with another friend) and they worked out. Everyone thought they were crazy but here they are very happy. If there was hope for them, is their hope for us? Do I give her another chance, abide by the rules and risk hurt once more?

 

I live in a small town. It's likely I'll see this guy. Do I avoid talking to him, eye contact?

 

I already feel like I'm getting over the shock. I think it's a good sign regardless of which path I choose.

[Owl]

I think you're in the very beginning start of an emotional rollercoaster the likes of which you've never seen.

 

One minute you'll be up...the next down.

 

Right now...you're up.

 

But...if I'm wrong, and you're able to deal with it and get through it that quickly...then I truly wish the best for you and her both.

 

As far as how you deal with him when you meet him...that's entirely up to you to decide.

[Chi townD]

I appreciate everybody's responses. Seems opinions are very divided here too. I understand Jame's point, he understands that it doesnt take away the pain. i understand the opinion of the terrible timing.. I love this girl a lot. So much that I'm looking for success stories and what it took. I think I am going to find a place for the next few days and see what her next moves are. I told her that I wasn't necessarily saying no to her. But we need space. Thoughts?

 

Also, the guy is single, so no SO to alert or not.

 

Our relationship even with its ups and downs has been very rewarding. We have grown a lot. I have personal friends who have gone through worse (prolonged, deceptive, sober cheating with another friend) and they worked out. Everyone thought they were crazy but here they are very happy. If there was hope for them, is their hope for us? Do I give her another chance, abide by the rules and risk hurt once more?

 

I live in a small town. It's likely I'll see this guy. Do I avoid talking to him, eye contact?

 

I already feel like I'm getting over the shock. I think it's a good sign regardless of which path I choose.

 

 

Well, I think it's wise that you take a few days for a cooling off peroid. You're right, this is probably a shock to you. But, you'll be going on a ride and it's called the Rollercoaster of Emotions. One minute, you're fine, then the next, you'll be mad as hell. One minute you'll be laughing, then the next you'll be crying. One minute you can't see your life without her, then the next you can't stand to see her face and would just wish she would just go away.

 

This is probably going to happen and it's absolutely normal.

 

You said you want to see what her next move is. That's wise as well. She can say that she wants to work things out with you, but those are just words. Watch what actions she does. The old saying holds true. Actions speak louder than words.

 

If you see this guy, well....he's probably going to be scared to death of you and will probably avoid you. I wouldn't talk to him. He didn't give a sh*t about your relationship, so why would he care about anything you have to say to him?

[BetrayedH]

Owl is right about the emotional rollercoaster. Typical estimates of recovery time for infidelity are 2-5 years, to give you some perspective. There are mitigating factors in your situation (a technical break-up, voluntary and immediate disclosure, early confirmation that her story lines up, you're not married). These are big factors. But "getting over" this is likely going to take much longer than you expect. This is why drifter says if you're not married and have no kids, it ain't worth it. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart. And i think that's why you need to do a serious gut check about what you think of your GF's long-term potential. Your GF also needs to do a serious gut check about her level of commitment. It is very common for you to want to reconnect (and reclaim) your GF after such an incident. It's common enough to have earned the term, hysterical bonding. It's also common for your GF to want to stay initially out of guilt and obligation, which is not a great foundation for a long-term commitment. You both need to do some soul-searching.

 

As for separation, there is divided thought on this. Some say that separation can give you clarity. Other say it's impossible to bond when you're separate. Regardless, neither of you get any free passes to be with others during a separation. If that's your goal, quit trying to reconcile and move on with your life (and allow her to do the same). If you separate, use the time to gain clarity about your decision. The tough part here is making decisions with your head instead of your emotions. Can you do that with her around or do you need to get away from her? I think only you can really answer that question.

 

Oh, as for the other guy, just leave him alone. He tagged an available chick when he was available. If you're going to be pissed at anyone, it would be your GF and I don't even think that's merited at this point. It wasn't a betrayal but it is something you need to decide if you can handle and if she is worth it. Regardless, unless he was a friend, he didn't do anything to you and is just a distraction when you have plenty else to which you can dedicate your energies.

[drifter777]

If you're going to be pissed at anyone, it would be your GF and I don't even think that's merited at this point. It wasn't a betrayal but it is something you need to decide if you can handle and if she is worth it.

 

Going a little off topic but I think it fits:

 

BH - saying this wasn't a betrayal is more of an opinion than a fact. If it feels like a betrayal then it is a betrayal. Is a 2 1/2 year relationship over because of a fight? If so, why did she come back? Why did she reveal her "indiscretion"? Screwing some dude within hours of this "fight" and then never looking back is one thing, but coming back with her tail between her legs (no pun intended) and trying to make up for what she did stamps this as betrayal to me.

 

What about this is a "we're never ever getting back together" story?

 

She left Sunday night to go out with some friends, she was very angry with me and I with her, she still said it was over and I just asked her to talk about it in the morning; that I would give her space for the night.

 

Well she came home the next day after her night with friends and still was adamant about us being over but we hung out completely amicably for the day. I said that it was best that we were over and tried to support her decision.

 

Later that night I started to panic. I couldnt sleep, or be alone with my own thoughts. I called my family and asked for their advice. I couldnt lose this girl. I drew up a list of things I would do better. Be a less cold person, move with her back to her hometown so she could go to school and give her space. Amazingly after hearing me out, she agreed! We hugged and kissed for a few moments but I could see something was wrong? I asked "what's up?" and she said "I made a mistake".. my heart sank. I knew immediately. She started apologizing, saying that at the time we both knew it was over. That she was so intoxicated. It only happened the one time that night. That she's so mad with herself because of hurting me and ruining a friendship. She said I am worth fighting for and that she loves me and will do whatever it takes.

 

This sounds pretty much like the story every BH posts after d-day.

[BetrayedH]

Going a little off topic but I think it fits:

 

BH - saying this wasn't a betrayal is more of an opinion than a fact. If it feels like a betrayal then it is a betrayal. Is a 2 1/2 year relationship over because of a fight? If so, why did she come back? Why did she reveal her "indiscretion"? Screwing some dude within hours of this "fight" and then never looking back is one thing, but coming back with her tail between her legs (no pun intended) and trying to make up for what she did stamps this as betrayal to me.

 

What about this is a "we're never ever getting back together" story?

 

 

This sounds pretty much like the story every BH posts after d-day.

 

I don't know, man. It wouldn't feel to great to me that it only took her a few hours to shack up either but it's pretty clear that they broke up and even into the next day were still broken up. It wasn't until the OP wanted to reconcile that she confessed. If they were going to stay broken up, then I'm not sure she should have said anything (it would just have hurt him) but when they decided to make another run at the relationship, she did the right thing and didn't hide it. Hell, my wife cheated for a freaking year, pretended like we were all good, and kept lying after she was busted. That's what most BH's go thru.

 

But where I agree with you is that it really is up to the OP to determine how he feels. He's still going to have mind-movies and probably thoughts of doubt. And we've all seen cheating women lie like crazy. I'm certainly hesitant to tell him to go full-on forgiveness. I think time and introspection will tell. I think her friend's texts were helpful in establishing no trickle-truth (although I am curious about her feelings for the OM). And even as young as they are, I'd recommend couples counseling and/or individual counseling for the GF to determine why she is susceptible to this coping mechanism (and probably for the OP to make sure he doesn't just stuff this down).

[2sunny]

Just because she was drunk doesn't excuse her bad behavior. She still did the action.

 

Tell me, lets say you are married 10 years - you want to worry every time she's out having drinks?

 

People either will or they won't cheat.

 

She's just handed you evidence that she will.

 

You're actually considering rewarding her bad behavior by staying with her - even though you know she cheats!

 

Why don't you want more for yourself than that?

 

 

And don't tell me you love her...love doesn't look like that. Love doesn't include betraying yourself to feel loved...

 

Really - answer the question honestly. YOU SHOULD REQUIRE more forYOURSELF than settling for a gal that's a known cheater!

[toc200]

I am staying at a friends. Reducing how much we talk to each other for now. She told me all of her plans in detail about what she plans on doing while Im gone. Give me space to think.

 

There seems to be a lot of "get over her dude", and that's fair. I hope the time apart makes it a lot easier to walk away. I hope it helps me, her and us see the priorities.

[2sunny]

And how would you really know she's doing - or not doing - what she tells you she's doing while you're away?

[2sunny]

For her to label it "a mistake" shows clearly that she hasn't fully OWNED the FACT that she screwed another dude!!!

 

It wasn't a mistake - it was calculated the minute she left when you had an argument! And she must have contacted him - that's on purpose too! You can't tell me that work dude just happened to be out where she ended up!

 

Anyone childish enough to get mad - leave - and go screw someone else while they are married - isn't mature enough to know that when you have a disagreement = you communicate and have a rational discussion by expressing ones opinion and listening to the other person as well!

 

It wasn't a mistake - she did it on purpose the minute she left you.

 

Passive aggressive at best!

 

What was the argument about?

[Nyla]

JamesM: Don't want to get into the "what is forgiveness" or "time heals all wounds" things because we simply disagree.

 

Being married is something that usually keeps partners from walking out after a nasty fight, but not always. I think it's much more common when just living together. I did it, my wife did it, and I put up quite a few friends on my couch for a day or so for the same reason. They always got back together.

 

OP: JamesM and I are asking a lot of the same questions and you should think about how you feel about them. Is this all really worth it? Do you think it will be possible to live with the images & memories? Is the way she jumped into the sack with a co-worker a glimpse into what's really going on between them? Is this really the kind of person she is?

 

No, being mature and committed to a relationship is what keeps people from walking out after a nasty fight. My husband and I had fights like that while we were living together and before we were engaged, but we stayed home and hashed out our difficulties.

 

Time is the best doctor and all wounds can heal with time. Usually people have to go through a lot of things and/or live long enough to realize that truth.