Just found out.

[toc200]

My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I have been fighting for the last week. She said it was over, and at first I was playing my cards of "whatever, Im over this too" but it wasn't true. She told me how she wanted to move back home and didn't see a future with me. She left Sunday night to go out with some friends, she was very angry with me and I with her, she still said it was over and I just asked her to talk about it in the morning; that I would give her space for the night.

 

Well she came home the next day after her night with friends and still was adamant about us being over but we hung out completely amicably for the day. I said that it was best that we were over and tried to support her decision.

 

Later that night I started to panic. I couldnt sleep, or be alone with my own thoughts. I called my family and asked for their advice. I couldnt lose this girl. I drew up a list of things I would do better. Be a less cold person, move with her back to her hometown so she could go to school and give her space. Amazingly after hearing me out, she agreed! We hugged and kissed for a few moments but I could see something was wrong? I asked "what's up?" and she said "I made a mistake".. my heart sank. I knew immediately. She started apologizing, saying that at the time we both knew it was over. That she was so intoxicated. It only happened the one time that night. That she's so mad with herself because of hurting me and ruining a friendship. She said I am worth fighting for and that she loves me and will do whatever it takes.

 

I walked around the appartment in a pace. I loved and still love this girl with all my heart. I feel shocked, enraged, sad and confused all at once. I am searching the internet, looking for stories of people who have made it. I told her we could fix it, and she so happily agreed. Unbelievably we got each other off not too long after this. I didnt get any flashes or have a trigger go off. We went out for dinner and had a bottle of wine. We fell asleep last night in each others arms, it was only til now that I woke up to a racing mind. I hope I haven't led her on

 

Part of my wants to stay with this girl. I love our life; we both could have learned how to communicate better. Another part of me wants to go out and sleep with the first girl I can. Like it'd be the only thing that could fix this. But mostly I want her. Truth be told, when she left that night I thought it was over; I didnt think Id have a chance to have her back. Im too ashamed to talk to anyone I know about this and hope no one finds out.

 

From what Ive read on LS things can go all ways. Some say once a cheater, always. Others say the fact that this was a one time thing, done in a very dark time of the relationship (possibly already being broken up, depending how viewed) and other mostly irrelevant details like being drunk.

 

What do you think?

[BetrayedH]

Sorry to hear your story.

 

I would encourage you to find out the truth before you make a decision. The pattern for a cheater is to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. Even when the truth comes out, it comes out in a trickle. What do you know about this other guy? How long has it been going on? Don't go off of what she says.

 

What I do find encouraging is that she voluntarily confessed. The statistics that I've seen show that this doubles your chances of reconciling as compared to it being discovered.

 

One pre-requisite for reconciling is her feeling and showing true remorse. That means full disclosure and transparency to regain your trust. Is she wiling to answer questions?

[aed]

Yes try to find the truth.

 

 

then don't blame yourself for what she is doing or for what she is missing etc....

 

when you have that peace make a decision if you can't walk out and stay with a friend for 3 weeks. and let her do the contact, you cant prefent her from cheating, but you can take control of your own life, when you think you she can be part of it, but she needs to do the hard work for healing your relationship from this point on!

[toc200]

It feels so good to talk about this. Kind of funny that it makes an early 20's man well up in the eyes. Its a nice resource for people who want someone to talk to but anonymously.

 

I want to ask questions but I'm afraid of making triggers. The less I know about this one particular mistake, the better? I mean, I dont want to know where it happened. I don't want to know if he asked about me. I need to know the right questions to ask. The ones that regardless of the answer aren't going to make this worse feeling; I just couldnt handle it.

 

I know who the guy is, I've met him once. A co-employee of hers. I also read through all her texts with the one friend she told this to immediately. The texts corroborate with her story of it being a drunken, one time ordeal.

 

As far as her working around this guy I told her theres no talking to him. Absolutely no socializing with him, even with mutual friends around them.

 

I just got back from lying down with her and she won't let go of me. We've been in intense arguments before but when the dust settled I've never seen her look so sad and remorseful.

 

I copy-pasted the stickie at the top of this forum regarding wayward partners and a healing process. I told her she must read all of it, regardless of the increased pain and guilt im sure she will have, and that she must agree to it.

 

What are other parameters people use to start a healing process? I thought maybe I should fly back home for a week? Maybe I should try and meet someone?

 

Thanks for your time.

[aed]

 

 

What are other parameters people use to start a healing process? I thought maybe I should fly back home for a week? Maybe I should try and meet someone?

 

Thanks for your time.

 

You should make up your mind for yourself. Do you still want her (not love her), and if that is so she needs to do the work. if you have second thoughts about her, take a break (and say you wont hookup with anyone) and she what she will do.... but let her actions speak not the words or easy things like 'holding' you....

[NotCamelot]

Does the guy have a girlfriend/wife? If so, you should find a way to let her know what happened.

 

Making contact with the OM's Wife helped me a lot. And she deserved to know just like I did.

 

Take it slow, you can't speed it up as bad as you want to.

 

It sounds like you have access to all her ways to contact the guy. But it would still bother me that they are "together" during work. She really should find a different job if she wants this to work with you. That will probably always be a thing you'll think about. I won't put ideas in your head......you're probably already doing that.

 

Getting away together for a few days........that helped me and my W also.

 

Out of shame, my W wanted to make sure no one else knew what she did. So I have protected her name as best I can. Your GF may want the same. If so, you should honor that.

 

We are human and we all make mistakes. It's how you recover from them that makes the difference.

 

If the two of you really want it, you can recover and be happy. It will take work.

[KLS2b]

Going out to find someone is NOT a good idea.

It will only compound the problems. Are you thinking of doing it as revenge? Will you tell her or will it be something only you know about?

You said "once a cheat always a cheat"; are you going to weigh yourself with those same weights and balances should you go through with revenge sex? You'd be sadistic to tell her you did it to get even and you don't sound like the kind of person who'd be able to keep it a secret an not feel guilty. One-upmanship is NOT love.

 

Revenge sex isn't a good idea on many levels. A) risk of std

B) it's showing a huge amount of disrespect for the woman you "can't live without." C) you'll feel guilty afterward and feel the new to confess to your gf and now there'll be even more problems D) you won't be drunk and thinking the relationship is over, you'll be doing it for spite.

 

Two wrongs do not a right make. If you really love this girl, forgive her. Forgive her because you love her and people make mistakes (they don't plot to even the playing field). Forgive her for YOUR peace of mind. Once you forgive her, when you understand that she's truly sorry, you won't "trigger" and the hurt will ebb off. Forgiveness is extremely powerful. More powerful than any of the counterproductive measures you named.

 

And life is more simple when you choose to forgive because you release all the heavy baggage that comes along with a grudge or resentment.

 

Good luck and I hope you make the right decision.

[NotCamelot]

Also, remember: Forgivness is more for you than her.... Not that she won't get something from forgivess, she should, but it will go a long way toward making you feel better.

 

IF you choose to .......

[Bryanp]

1. Get tested for STD's. You immediately had sex with her after she told you she had just had sex with another man? What were you thinking?

2. If the other guy has a girlfriend then you need to expose this to her. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want someone to tell you? Good luck.

[JamesM]

IF she had sex wit someone while you were allegedly broken up, then it shouldn't be viewed as a case of cheating on you.

 

If it was a one time event, then she didn't love him.

 

If she is remorseful, then yes, it can be fixed.

 

Deal with the pain and grief, and decide if she is worth keeping.

 

As for telling this other guy's spouse, gf, or whatever...IMO reconsider. This will not make it easier for the two of you to reconcile. She will resent you for making a mess of his life, and it won't help you get over it. Revenge is not always so sweet.

[KLS2b]

Does the guy have a girlfriend/wife? If so, you should find a way to let her know what happened.

 

Making contact with the OM's Wife helped me a lot. And she deserved to know just like I did.

 

Take it slow, you can't speed it up as bad as you want to.

 

It sounds like you have access to all her ways to contact the guy. But it would still bother me that they are "together" during work. She really should find a different job if she wants this to work with you. That will probably always be a thing you'll think about. I won't put ideas in your head......you're probably already doing that.

 

Getting away together for a few days........that helped me and my W also.

 

Out of shame, my W wanted to make sure no one else knew what she did. So I have protected her name as best I can. Your GF may want the same. If so, you should honor that.

 

We are human and we all make mistakes. It's how you recover from them that makes the difference.

 

If the two of you really want it, you can recover and be happy. It will take work.

 

Why contact the other guy or the other guy's so? What good will it so the OP and his GF? The only thing I see coming out of it is more drama. The other guy's life is just that--his own. He's a non-issue according to the OP.

 

Let it go and forgive for your sake (and hers) and watch how your love can grow. The only other healthy alternative is to take time apart and see if the relationship is worth saving when you get your head together.

 

Head games are destructive and just lead to more questions. Better to assess the situation and face it head-on. Transparency is key.

[NotCamelot]

Why contact the other guy or the other guy's so? What good will it so the OP and his GF? The only thing I see coming out of it is more drama. The other guy's life is just that--his own. He's a non-issue according to the OP.

 

 

The AP's SO always deserves to know. I bet the AP won't tell her! But just like you'd want to know if your SO was cheating, the so would the other.

 

It also has an added benefit of possibly bringing the A to a halt.

 

It is the right and decent thing to do.

[KLS2b]

It wasn't an affair, it was a one night stand. Who knows if the other guy was even dating anyone else? It's not the OP's business, he has enough on his hands working on his own relationship without trying to fuel another fire that could potentially backdraft on his own.

According to his post, he's not even looking in that direction anyway. My reply was to the person who made the suggestion.

[Just a Guy]

What does your gut tell you about your GF? What people have suggested to you here is very good advice. With all that in mind also trust your gut feel about what she is telling you and whether that is true or is made up. Ask her how the hook up occurred? How did they find themselves separated from the others long enough for them to do the deed? You don't have to ask for gory details just the circumstances of how they hooked up. You can then corroborate the details that she has given you with the others who were present. However since she has admitted that she cheated, you will have reconcile with that fact.

 

To me it seems that it was done in a fit of anger with you, along with other contributory factors. This does tell you that she may not be a stable person when she is angry or annoyed with you. One does not cheat on the person one is in a relationship with just because one is angry with them. In married life you will have many such arguments, in fact, some them may be much more acrimonious. Would that mean that she would go and have an ONS every time you guys argued? You see your relationship is two and a half years solid. Even if things had not been on an even keel for a while that does not diminish the solidity of your relationship. If both of you, in the heat of the moment told each other that it was over that does not mean that two and a half years of togetherness can be wiped clean in a moment. People get annoyed with each other all the while, sometimes over trivial matters. However if both of you really loved each other neither of you would go out and have sex with some one else just out of spite for the other or to forget the reason for having the argument in the first place. So do think about all this deeply and seriously. Best wishes to you!

[Chi townD]

From what Ive read on LS things can go all ways. Some say once a cheater, always. Others say the fact that this was a one time thing, done in a very dark time of the relationship (possibly already being broken up, depending how viewed) and other mostly irrelevant details like being drunk.

 

 

Okay, so....if you stay in a relationship with her, what happens when another dark time happens in the relationship? Is she going to run out and screw the next guy she can because she's was drunk and mad at you?

 

Dude, You have to look at her character a little more closely. I mean, she literally screwed some other dude within HOURS of your fight. Is that how highly she felt about your relationship? She didn't even mourn the loss of the relationship. Didn't mourn the loss of you.

 

Those are some things you need to thing about.

[JamesM]

My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I have been fighting for the last week. She said it was over,

 

She told me how she wanted to move back home and didn't see a future with me. She left Sunday night to go out with some friends, she was very angry with me and I with her, she still said it was over and I just asked her to talk about it in the morning; that I would give her space for the night.

 

Well she came home the next day after her night with friends and still was adamant about us being over but we hung out completely amicably for the day. I said that it was best that we were over and tried to support her decision.

 

Truth be told, when she left that night I thought it was over; I didnt think Id have a chance to have her back.

 

It was over. Is there a length of time one needs to wait before having sex with someone else or dating someone else? If there had been a week before you got together, then would you feel better? You repeated many times..it is/was over.

 

It was over. She had sex with a guy. And then you both reconsidered and got back together.

 

This is not cheating.

 

From what Ive read on LS things can go all ways. Some say once a cheater, always.

 

It was over. There was no relationship to cheat. There was no commitment broken as there was no commitment.

 

She did not cheat.

 

Others say the fact that this was a one time thing, done in a very dark time of the relationship (possibly already being broken up, depending how viewed) and other mostly irrelevant details like being drunk.

 

It was viewed by YOU and HER as over. It doesn't matter what others say. There was no relationship. You two had broken up and repeatedly agreed that it was over.

 

It wasn't a "dark time in the relationship: as there was no relationship.

 

What do you think?

 

Begin all over again. Begin dating as if you are a new couple. Renew your friendship.

 

And please get it out of your system that there was a relationship when she had sex with the other guy. There was no relationship. She did not cheat.

 

Yes, it hurts that she had sex with another guy so quickly after your relationship was over, but it still isn't cheating. She broke no trust as there was no bond. The relationship was mutually ended.

[Nyla]

Okay, so....if you stay in a relationship with her, what happens when another dark time happens in the relationship? Is she going to run out and screw the next guy she can because she's was drunk and mad at you?

 

Dude, You have to look at her character a little more closely. I mean, she literally screwed some other dude within HOURS of your fight. Is that how highly she felt about your relationship? She didn't even mourn the loss of the relationship. Didn't mourn the loss of you.

 

Those are some things you need to thing about.

 

Sometimes people sleep with or date a new person immediately, because they don't want to feel the pain of the loss.

 

This doesn't make it any less unsettling.

 

Your girlfriend did not cheat. Any sex or dating with other partners after a breakup is NOT cheating.

 

That is like saying that an ex-spouse sleeping with someone else after a divorce is being unfaithful.

Edited February 20, 2013 by Nyla

[Chi townD]

 

It was over. There was no relationship to cheat. There was no commitment broken as there was no commitment.

 

 

 

QUOTE]

 

Dude, really? She had a fight left the place and LITERALLY within HOURS! She was screwing some other guy.

 

And your just saying that this guy should roll over and expose his belly like a good dog and take this kind of behavior because TECHNICALLY they weren't in a relationship. Nevermind that anywhere between 60 to 240 minutes later, she was f*cking some other guy.

 

Then she comes back and wants to work it out, but you're telling him that he can't get mad! Because "We weren't in a relationship! So, you can't get mad!" Gotta love technicalities!!!!

 

Dude, I strongly advise you to never let your wife or girlfriend read your post. She'd be breaking up with you every other day. Because,"You can't get mad that I just had hot monkey sex! Because we weren't together yesterday! So, what do you want for dinner?"

[aed]

 

It was over. There was no relationship to cheat. There was no commitment broken as there was no commitment.

 

 

 

QUOTE]

 

Dude, really? She had a fight left the place and LITERALLY within HOURS! She was screwing some other guy.

 

And your just saying that this guy should roll over and expose his belly like a good dog and take this kind of behavior because TECHNICALLY they weren't in a relationship. Nevermind that anywhere between 60 to 240 minutes later, she was f*cking some other guy.

 

Then she comes back and wants to work it out, but you're telling him that he can't get mad! Because "We weren't in a relationship! So, you can't get mad!" Gotta love technicalities!!!!

 

Dude, I strongly advise you to never let your wife or girlfriend read your post. She'd be breaking up with you every other day. Because,"You can't get mad that I just had hot monkey sex! Because we weren't together yesterday! So, what do you want for dinner?"

 

 

So true!

 

they had a fight and yes she said they where done.... but come one that she came back in one week tells you, they werent over.

 

@ OP.

 

does your gf know you feel betrayed and what is her response on that.

 

like the friends episode:

 

"we where on a break" yeah right, that also why ross hided the girl.

[JamesM]

 

Dude, really? She had a fight left the place and LITERALLY within HOURS! She was screwing some other guy.

 

And your just saying that this guy should roll over and expose his belly like a good dog and take this kind of behavior because TECHNICALLY they weren't in a relationship.

 

Read HIS post and story. Do you see how many times it said that it is over? More than once.

 

No, I am saying that he should quit looking at it as cheating.

 

It isn't a technicality. It is a reality. He thought it was over and he never thought he had a chance at her again. It only stands to reason (since she said this) she felt the same. So she moved on.

 

This is not about being fickle and saying it is over just to have sex with another guy. This is about a fight that lasted a week (at least) which ended the relationship.

 

It was over. She met another guy, had sex. He did not. He asked to start again, and she agreed.

 

This is still not about cheating if the relationship is over.

[JamesM]

So true!

 

they had a fight and yes she said they where done

 

And he agreed. This is the key. It was not just her. It was mutual.

 

 

.... but come one that she came back in one week tells you, they werent over.

 

Nope. Time for a reread. HE wanted to start again, and she agreed. She did not come crawling back to him but vice versa. It wasn't that SHE changed her mind but rather he asked her to start over. His words:

 

Later that night I started to panic. I couldnt sleep, or be alone with my own thoughts. I called my family and asked for their advice. I couldnt lose this girl. I drew up a list of things I would do better. Be a less cold person, move with her back to her hometown so she could go to school and give her space. Amazingly after hearing me out, she agreed!

 

toc200, while this is not cheating, it is very painful. It will need to be discussed and resolved before this relationship can start over again.

 

Is she worth it? That is the question you must answer, and it may be a couple of weeks before you can give yourself an honest answer.

[BetrayedH]

IF she had sex wit someone while you were allegedly broken up, then it shouldn't be viewed as a case of cheating on you.

 

If it was a one time event, then she didn't love him.

 

If she is remorseful, then yes, it can be fixed.

 

Deal with the pain and grief, and decide if she is worth keeping.

 

I agree with this ^^^. But I respectfully disagree with James about exposure to the other guy's GF. Don't do it out of revenge but because the betrayed girlfriend (if there is one) deserves to know and to make the same kind of choices you are making.

[Chi townD]

It was over. She met another guy, had sex. He did not. He asked to start again, and she agreed.

 

 

Yep! I guess it is time for a re-read. She stated that he's worth fighting for. That she loves him and will do whatever it takes.

 

Hmmm.... to me, that sounds like someone that has a lot of guilt. But, according to your logic, she has absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about!

 

So, why the remorse? I speculate that in her heart, she knew that this was a form of cheating. She fought with him, left him that night and got laid by some other dude. All within hours of being with him. That totally disrespected him, that totally disrespected the relationship that they once had and her actions caused alot of pain (even though you feel that his pain is unwarranted).

 

Even though you feel she did nothing wrong, her statement to him paints a different picture.

[BetrayedH]

One of the differences here from typical cheating or infidelity is that there is an absence of the usual lies, deception, and betrayal. Frankly, the deception is the hardest part to forgive.

 

In this case there was no deception. They were broken up and when they decided to get back together, she voluntarily and immediately disclosed a decision that she obviously regretted. That's huge. She isn't the typical cheater we see here.

 

I would certainly be very cautious and I would want both people to look very deeply at their commitment to the relationship (and at dealing with conflict) but this may end up being a much needed wake-up call for the relationship overall.

[drifter777]

Also, remember: Forgivness is more for you than her.... Not that she won't get something from forgivess, she should, but it will go a long way toward making you feel better.

 

IF you choose to .......

 

Forgiveness is a verb and something your cheating girlfriend has to earn. You have to be willing to honestly give her a chance to earn it, but it is not just a gift you can give to either of you.

 

You say that you don't want to know any more details because it will give you "triggers". Let me tell you from hard, painful experience that you will live with triggers, and the images in your mind of her and the other guy will be both vivid and disgusting. If she is honest, she can at least help you fill in the details with the truth rather than the "penthouse forum" things your mind is going to fill them in with. You cannot hide from your feelings just because they are painful. It will come out in other ways - most of them unhealthy - and it will finally just boil over. Believe me on this one.

 

Finally, you are not married and you don't have kids, why are you trying to reconcile? You will never erase the memory and you will never trust her fully again. Reconciliation is the hardest thing you will ever do and there's no guarantee it will even work out for you. Why put yourself through all of this pain and drama when you are so young and there are so many options available to you? Chalk this up to experience and go out and live your life. Have no contact with her. A month from now you will wonder why you stayed as long as you did.

Edited February 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator