My affair..

[SucksBeingtheOW]

Ill just do this now while most of what I want to say is fresh in my head.

Sorry this will be scattered and probably confusing.

I'm 25, he's 20 years my senior.. We met 2 years ago when I was a hooker and he was a customer.terrible start already eh? He saw many hookers before , at the same time, even right after me back then..

 

That all stopped when he got sick of the women lying and using him..

We ended up together after it all because I never showed a hint of jealousy, was always patient and kind even though after a while the situation started to bother me because I feel head over heels DEEP in love. So now it's just me and him together(and his wife I guess)..

He doesn't talk about her much at all, I'd say he maybe slips something here or there about her about once a month or two, and now I break down and cry on the spot when it happens.

 

I'm at the point of depression now... From what he says about her, she's mental and has been for years, and he feels too bad for her to leave her like this, so he won't..

He doesnt sleep with her (seems to good to be true, but he really gives me no reason to not believe it) Before he used to say give it time and he will divorce, or get frustrated at the situation and say things like "should I just get a divorce", but now he sticks to "why can't we just keep doing what we are doing and nobody gets hurt(except me, but he doesn't consider my feelings until I have those crying episodes, to which he cries too, tells me I don't deserve this and he can't give me the love I need etc...we text day and night, and see each other 3 or 4 days a week.

 

He treats me like a queen, and by the way we are in public, minus the age difference, we act like a couple so in love..and we are, except for he's married... I used to feel so guilty about this, but through time he's only gotten sweeter, and more loving, and it makes me not care that he's married some times, though when we aren't together the guilt and hurt just comes right back..if you were to ask me how long I'd be able to take living like this, I'd say forever. I love him so much and I'm living in what you guys call a bubble of fantasy land every time he opens his mouth, because he doesn't treat me like an affair unless we are going somewhere he might see someone he knows, which is rare,but I understand that.

 

I hate how I feel like I'm on the back burner, and I can't see why he wouldn't want to just BE with me! But then like I said, we see each other or talk and I feel like he really does love me, and I feel like I understand WHY he's doing this..The things I'm afraid of are this lasting forever, and me having no part in his REAL everyday life, and consequently I wouldn't have any way of knowing if something happens to him..

 

I hate that it has to be this way, but I love him too much to get myself out of this messed up situation.. Ill post more details as they come to me, but for now this is a summary of what it is, and has been for the last two years.. Really would appreciate some feedback, good and even bad, I could really use a slap back into reality right about now.

Edited February 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[SunshineToday]

Sorry about how low you are feeling. You probably need to hear this though.

 

1. he is not going to leave his wife

2. she is probably very normal and not "mental"

3. he is probably having sex with his wife

4. if your okay being his 2_nd choice, your affair can continue, until his wife finds out. if you really want more, demand it from him. Prepare to be alone in case it doesnt work out.

[SucksBeingtheOW]

Thank you for putting it that way. I AM his second choice no matter how he fools me or I fool myself otherwise... We never talk on the phone after a certain time daily but still text, but there's been situations where it would have seemed "important" that I talked to him,but he wouldn't call me until the next morning on his way to work..once my son feel and hurt his arm real bad,he's 5, and it was totally his choice not to have called me that night, and I used to feel "we'll he's home so I understand him not being able to call". But he was fully able!! He just didn't want to risk his supposed "marriage that's already over". I don't want to talk to him about "more" between us, because I think I know inside that it would end with me alone and him with his wife.. I'm not sure if this is normal but I feel that In part I'm HELPing him keep his marriage together

[Summer Breeze]

Thank you for putting it that way. I AM his second choice no matter how he fools me or I fool myself otherwise... We never talk on the phone after a certain time daily but still text, but there's been situations where it would have seemed "important" that I talked to him,but he wouldn't call me until the next morning on his way to work..once my son feel and hurt his arm real bad,he's 5, and it was totally his choice not to have called me that night, and I used to feel "we'll he's home so I understand him not being able to call". But he was fully able!! He just didn't want to risk his supposed "marriage that's already over". I don't want to talk to him about "more" between us, because I think I know inside that it would end with me alone and him with his wife.. I'm not sure if this is normal but I feel that In part I'm HELPing him keep his marriage together

 

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this right now. Look at everything you wrote and figure it's kind of like cleaning a really dirty house. If you look at it as having to clean the whole house all at one time it might be overwhelming. So you start with one closet in one room. To translate that to your situation -- you seem to have little to no power over your own life now. Take it back. Take it back as you'd clean the house -- a little bit at a time. Start going out with friends. Be unavailable to him a few times when he wants to see you. Don't tell him who you're seeing. If you want to sit home then do it but he doesn't need to know that. Miss some of his calls. Don't call or SMS him back quite as quickly. Get yourself to the point you are happy spending time away from him. Get him used to you being a person and having YOUR life. He has HIS life so why don't you get to have your own too?

 

If you feel like second choice to him then make yourself first choice to you. Don't isolate yourself and if you are already isolated then get back into the mix! Let him know how it feels to be your second choice.

 

I really have to agree with the other poster but you have a man who frequented prostitutes while he was married. If women were using him it sounds like he may have played around at having some further relationship with them. He's happy to carry on like that while married. Do you really want to be with him in any other way than you are? If you think you're miserable now stop and think how horrible it would be to know he was paying for sex on a regular basis and then settled in with someone else. Would you want a serious R with someone who had all of that hidden from you?

 

Take your power back. If you're important to him he'll resist it happening. If you're not then at least you're doing some work on getting your life back.

[Summer Breeze]

Thank you for putting it that way. I AM his second choice no matter how he fools me or I fool myself otherwise... We never talk on the phone after a certain time daily but still text, but there's been situations where it would have seemed "important" that I talked to him,but he wouldn't call me until the next morning on his way to work..once my son feel and hurt his arm real bad,he's 5, and it was totally his choice not to have called me that night, and I used to feel "we'll he's home so I understand him not being able to call". But he was fully able!! He just didn't want to risk his supposed "marriage that's already over". I don't want to talk to him about "more" between us, because I think I know inside that it would end with me alone and him with his wife.. I'm not sure if this is normal but I feel that In part I'm HELPing him keep his marriage together

 

And he's helping to tear your life apart. I think your instincts and thoughts are dead on. Set your boundaries and hold to them. Figure out how you wanted to be treated and you'll get tired of him not treating you like that pretty quickly. You should expect to be treated as if you were dating. If you would have called a boyfriend to get a little support from then you should have been able to get in touch with him. He'll soon show you how much he hates the boundaries and try and sweet talk you into how you used to be. When he resists it means you're putting him in his place and he doesn't like it.

 

It's all about YOUR power.

[SucksBeingtheOW]

Thank you all.

The dirty house way of looking at this makes so much sense. As I read over my story again And try to see it as not "me" writing it but another person, and its so much more twisted than I've realized I just can't seem to get myself to grasp that this really is nothing more than an affair to him, he acts the farthest from that when we are together and on the phone.

 

I've told him before that I felt guilty and that this is wrong to be together while hes married, and he dismissed it saying I have no reason to feel that way because "we aren't doing anything wrong, we are In a real relationship not an affair" and he's " in a ****ed up, completely not normal type of failed marriage and can't just simply get a divorce".

He was the one who actually passively forced me out of prostitution because he had been got for a lot of money from one of his regular hookers he saw..and then he got depressed over it and wanted me away from the scene.told me he would help me until I got back on my feet..and told me he was done with doing that, and that it was all a huge mistake and he was doing it to help him deal with his marriage..which made no sense to me

 

btw...because irregardless of how I feel for him, there's still the thoughts of what he's doing to his wife in the back of my head, and if she's so sick etc, and you don't want to hurt her..WHY GO SEE HOOKERS? that's the worst thing you COULD do! When I'm alone I don't doubt he lies to me, it's just that he puts on such a loving caring front, when were together, that I don't know what's the truth or what's a lie I guess you could say he acts like my boyfriend from when he leaves to work until he goes back home, but then from there I have no idea what goes on, until he leaves for work the next morning again.

 

I got a job as sort of my way of trying to not be so dependant on him, to see if it changed how I felt about him, but he started complaining about our schedules not matching up and offered to just pay for everything, but I haven't left the job yet. I was going to, but I obsessively started thinking about how he's such a liar to his wife, and that made me think, iit just pisses me off that he treats me the way he does, and tells me what he tells me, but yet.....he won't divorce for me, so to me it says I'm beneath his wife...and I HATE feeling this way! I shouldn't have to compete with any other woman if he loves me as much as he says he does..so I haven't quit the job, I'm counting this as a small victory over his control over me.

 

I have been in many toxic relationships that involved a lot of abuse, just nothing like this before! He's so perfect, treats me better than anyone I've been with, but at the same time there's a big elephant in the room that is impossible to ignore! And it's eating me away slowly...I'm going to try making myself less available, and see how he acts.ill get back to you guys on it. I think I'll start by NOT answering when he calls in about an hour...I won't make any excuses I just will be "busy"..

 

He is the type to ask a ton of noses questions about my friends and where I go, especially since he knows I just work and stay home if I'm not with him..ill try to start changing that and see how it goes...I just feel so down when I'm not with him I always end up laying down obsessing Over the situation... I definitely have to get out more without him

Edited February 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[SucksBeingtheOW]

Oh, also... Now that I'm thinking of it...I've been feeling like I want to do all the things he asks because I feel that if I'm perfect enough and do everything he wants, that he'll eventually end up realizing that we are perfect for each other and won't be able to resist just being with me fully...he acknowledges every time I do something "just for him"..even things I don't realize like my makeup etc...he'll light up at the thought that I did my makeup "just for him" as he says it.

 

I have got to get out of that mind state because it'll never work and its so dumb of me to think it will. I missed the first call of the morning, and I feel terrible like as if I'm doing something that's hurting him, and I feel bad, but I know I should NOT feel this way.

 

And to answer your question frozen, yes I completely feel respected by him...when we are together...

when we are apart the reality of it all sets in and I feel like the lowest thing crawling. Just knowing the odds are almost completely against us being together like I would like, especially because this didn't start as a regular emotional affair , it started as something wrong and illegal and though I used to appreciate how we started off "honest". I know see that we started off in an even bigger lie than normal. BOTH of us were liars when we met

Edited February 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[veryhappy]

It doesn't have to be like this. You can change it. You don't have to be his kept mistress for years because you feel too weak.

 

You are still selling yourself, for a higher price and to a single man, but the dreams you have f a future together are only that. Dreams. All he wants is to keep the arrangement.

 

You are 25, had a child at 20, I can only assume the father of your son is not that present, and felt you had to go into prostitution for a living. That's a lot, and we can tell you this guy is not the prince charming you see. Take him as a steppig stone. Please, please keep your job. Pease, please go to school if there's anything you'd want to do with your life. Do not count on this man to be your future, financially or emotionally. You probably feel indebted to him. You are paying more than enough with your youth and attention.

 

If you got out of that world, put yourself in a place where you won't need to go back or ever feel that it is a fallback plan. You need to think of yourself and your future and act on it.

[whichwayisup]

I hate how I feel like I'm on the back burner, and I can't see why he wouldn't want to just BE with me!

 

This pretty much sums it up. He has told he he can't divorce, or won't. Whatever his reasons are, are valid to him. So, you have three choices. Stay and settle, be his OW and continue hating that he'll never be yours, that you'll have to share him with his wife...Or accept things as they are, it's just an affair nothing more nothing less and live your life, don't make him your first priority and enjoy it for what it's worth. OR end it.

 

He doesn't want change his life and start over. Fact.

[Summer Breeze]

What happens if he's killed in a car accident? If she finds out and he ends it immediately? If he's paying most of your bills then he is controlling everything. Don't go back to being a prostitute. Find some help to get financial control of your life. If he is paying for everything I would guess he probably feels like your life is his.

 

He didn't like that your hours didn't match his. Imagine how he'd feel if you went out with friends when he was available.

 

From what you said he has every bit of control over your life. I don't know how you feel about it but I'm scared for you. In essence he owns you.

 

Please please please let us help give you the support you need to change this. I'm afraid you've got a bad one there. You deserve so much more than this and so does his wife. That'll be phase 2. To try and get you to do the right thing down the road and tell her what he's doing to her. But right now you worry about you.

[SucksBeingtheOW]

So I still haven't answered...he txted a lot but I'll text back later on, as long as I can hold off, tomorrow I see him.. I think I'll tell him all that I been feeling. I felt more clear minded today I cared so much this morning that I kind of feel like I overflowed and stopped caring for a while lol. This isn't the end of the world you guys are all right.It's just an affair and all this time I've been thinking it was something more...I always try to look for things that differ between mine and a "normal" affair...but truth is there IS NO normal affair...and this is no different than the 90 something% statistics that say it won't work out...I'm so heart broken. I'll heal with time...but he won't heal from whats wrong with him...

[ThatJustHappened]

Oh, also... Now that I'm thinking of it...I've been feeling like I want to do all the things he asks because I feel that if I'm perfect enough and do everything he wants, that he'll eventually end up realizing that we are perfect for each other and won't be able to resist just being with me fully...he acknowledges every time I do something "just for him"..even things I don't realize like my makeup etc...he'll light up at the thought that I did my makeup "just for him" as he says it. I have got to get out of that mind state because it'll never work and its so dumb of me to think it will. I missed the first call of the morning, and I feel terrible like as if I'm doing something that's hurting him, and I feel bad, but I know I should NOT feel this way. And to answer your question frozen, yes I completely feel respected by him...when we are together...when we are apart the reality of it all sets in and I feel like the lowest thing crawling. Just knowing the odds are almost completely against us being together like I would like, especially because this didn't start as a regular emotional affair , it started as something wrong and illegal and though I used to appreciate how we started off "honest". I know see that we started off in an even bigger lie than normal. BOTH of us were liars when we met

 

Bolded- I have SO been there. Not in an affair situation, just a regular relationship..but I have tried to get a guy to commit to me by being perfect and ignoring all of his flaws..it doesn't work. They just realize they can do or say anything they want to you and they get lazy, complacent, and sometimes mean, and you will eventually become disgusted with yourself for giving into his every whim and forgiving him for things he doesn't deserve to be forgiven for. It's a terrible place to be..don't let yourself get there..

[ThatJustHappened]

So I still haven't answered...he txted a lot but I'll text back later on, as long as I can hold off, tomorrow I see him.. I think I'll tell him all that I been feeling. I felt more clear minded today I cared so much this morning that I kind of feel like I overflowed and stopped caring for a while lol. This isn't the end of the world you guys are all right.It's just an affair and all this time I've been thinking it was something more...I always try to look for things that differ between mine and a "normal" affair...but truth is there IS NO normal affair...and this is no different than the 90 something% statistics that say it won't work out...I'm so heart broken. I'll heal with time...but he won't heal from whats wrong with him...

 

DON'T LET HIM TALK YOU OUT OF DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOURSELF!!! He will try..trust me.

[stevie_23]

Oh, also... Now that I'm thinking of it...I've been feeling like I want to do all the things he asks because I feel that if I'm perfect enough and do everything he wants, that he'll eventually end up realizing that we are perfect for each other and won't be able to resist just being with me fully...he acknowledges every time I do something "just for him"..even things I don't realize like my makeup etc...he'll light up at the thought that I did my makeup "just for him" as he says it.

 

The "just for him" thing is either (or all)...

 

1. An ego boost for him

2. A novelty compared to the "staleness" of his wife

3. A warm glow because to him it shows you love him

 

When you said you feel you have to try to be "perfect" so he will "realise" how good you are for him and choose you over his wife finally, this resonated with me.

 

I never tried to be that perfect exactly, with my ex-MM, but he told me I was perfect (for him) just the way I was, SO many times, and I believe he meant it. He always said I had to be myself, be who I was, never hide or change anything. He was very respectful of me too, and made me feel like I was the only one.

 

Of course, he was with his partner / wife as well, but I was still the only one for him (ideally).

 

But no matter how perfectI was or we were, it still didn't make a difference. He still ended it.

 

I find there are 2 types of affairs. The ones that concern MM who are serial cheaters and who have brief affairs and throw the girls away without much care, and the ones that concern MM who fall deeply in love with their OW but who can't or don't want to leave the marriage enough to really be with them, and when that affair bubble bursts, they end up sad and disappointed, the OW ends up an emotional train wreck, and they both go back to their former lives (or whatever there is that's left of those lives by that time.) This is my case. I know my ex-MM loved me. Your's sounds like he loves you too, but...I don't think your relationship will end happily, I must admit. I just read the controlling aspect of his behaviour, and that does NOT sound good. He may feel love for you, but if he can't show you that in ways that you NEED (to have him properly with you, and by letting you have some freedom, ESPECIALLY as he's NOT properly with you), this is not good.

 

If you want to get out of it, even a small amount, please do try. It will be SO much easier for you than if he walks away suddenly and doesn't even tell you he's left you (like what my ex-MM did).

Edited February 21, 2013 by stevie_23