Mint Sauce Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I'd like to share an observation, and perhaps discuss a little. I see a polarisation of the dating process: - on the one hand, many young people now deal with it as if it is business: a selection procedure (OLD), separation of the different aspects (FWB), explicit agreements (the exclusivity talk),... - on the other hand, some people still go about it the old-fashioned romantic way. Hoping for lightning to strike unexpectedly. First love forever. Sex only with the one-and-only. Personally, though I've been through quite a bit (divorce,betrayal,...), I find myself in the 2nd category. In particular, I find this whole "exclusivity talk" concept far removed from my world. In my world the first proper kiss implies exclusivity. I've come to adopt some of the 1st cat principles, e.g. like a more rational evaluation of the long-term potential with my current partner (who I found through OLD), but fundamentally, I'm cat 2. One could argue that reality is a continuous spectrum, but I'm not convinced: many young people on here seem to fall clearly in cat1, except a few who are clearly in cat2, and defend those romantic views with fervor. Since a post needs to have a question: are you in the same category as your parents were, or are the cat2s those that kept with their parents view, while the cat1s "modernized" their view on dating?
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 In my heart, I am category 2 all the way, but since that wasn't working out for me, I have adopted a more rational approach. I am now *trying* to be in category 1, had better success this way, but I feel my soul is being killed in the process :/ 1
soccerrprp Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 In my heart, I am category 2 all the way, but since that wasn't working out for me, I have adopted a more rational approach. I am now *trying* to be in category 1, had better success this way, but I feel my soul is being killed in the process :/ Once a romantic all the way, but dating has marred that. I am much more rational about dating and relationships. Mostly because I find the ladies to be far too unpredictable and "damaged" to continue on the path of cat. 2. But I try to hold on.... BTW, never thought that the first proper kiss meant "exclusivity."
todreaminblue Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 i tend to fall straight in cat two.......if i kiss a guy i am not kissing another.....but i do believe that today daters need that exclusivity talk, i dont have to have the talk however to be exclusive, and i normally know before i date th eguy what his views on dating are so it is a natural progression......so is that cat oen or cat two.....could be either...in my opinion kissing is highly intimate to me....i save it for someone i know feels the same way.......
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Once a romantic all the way, but dating has marred that. I am much more rational about dating and relationships. Mostly because I find the ladies to be far too unpredictable and "damaged" to continue on the path of cat. 2. But I try to hold on.... BTW, never thought that the first proper kiss meant "exclusivity." Heh I did once upon a time. To be young and naive
aed Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 It depends who the kissing (or more) happend. In a bar (hookup) ofcourse not. When I know someone and go out on official date I always did option 2, did afew times option 1. but right know I am back at option 1 (and I will tell people that). If they can't I move on. But when i want a girl for a relationship, i like to focus on that girl 100% and dating, hooking up with other people isn't helping. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I believe in meeting and falling in love with a person I've gotten to know over time like #2 . I also believe that their has to be an explicit discussion of changes in a relationship at some point. Including but not limited to : Exclusivity, Break up, Engagement, Breaking off Engagement, Marriage, wanting children not wanting children. One cannot assume that their partner will just know these sort of things by telepathy. I will say this, while exclusivity cannot be expected by simple implication, it's often a fact long before it is openly discussed. Just as actually even liking another person that way is often a fact long before it is openly discussed.
MyPoutine Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I am cat 2, I find the cat 1 category moving too fast and simply going through more people but not having more success (in my opinion). I like to take time to get to know a person and then slowly build from there, it's harder to do things this way but it's the way I feel comfortable with.
animalover Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I believe in meeting and falling in love with a person I've gotten to know over time like #2 . I also believe that their has to be an explicit discussion of changes in a relationship at some point. Including but not limited to : Exclusivity, Break up, Engagement, Breaking off Engagement, Marriage, wanting children not wanting children. One cannot assume that their partner will just know these sort of things by telepathy. I will say this, while exclusivity cannot be expected by simple implication, it's often a fact long before it is openly discussed. Just as actually even liking another person that way is often a fact long before it is openly discussed. I believe to have all the discussions as you list besides the exclusivity one... that is already implied when you chose someone to date... what you can discuss if if you don't want to be exclusive... but honestly then I don't think we can be speaking about category 2 in any case... I am category 2 all the way... when I date with someone is because I already have romantic feelings for that person... I don't do OLD ... I only date people I know and I already like (not only the physical part). 1
Eclypse Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 My parents began dating in high school and are still together happily. I'm cat 2 with my girlfriend. We lost our virginities to each other and are going strong after 3 years. I was also her first kiss ever, although I'd had a few make outs with girls before her.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I've pretty much always been Category 2. This time, I'm going to try more of a Category 1 approach. I'm going on a 3rd date with a guy this weekend, and for the first time ever, I'm not really sizing him up as my man - just getting to know him and seeing if we're compatible for more. So far, I'm aware of his many good points, but a few bad points, too. We kissed at the end of each date, and that's it. I'm open to dating others - but no sex or even fooling around until I pick one. I'm pretty sure that if I meet a guy I really click with, I'll bounce right back to Category 2.
Author Mint Sauce Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Interesting to read how many of you still long for the fully romantic love, but settle for a cat1 approach as being more realistic to actually find someone. But as Sunshine says to saddeningly, it comes at a price. What surprises me is that some seem to want to hop from cat2 to cat1, and back again. I think those who are firmly in cat2 believe this to be impossible. In extremis because once you loose your virginity, you can't regain it for when that special person finally does come along. In my experience, it's possible to hold on to some romanticism, e.g. to save a kiss for only those you're really falling in love with, and still go about the search a bit more pragmatically. Of course that requires running against the current expectations of kiss on 1st date, sex on 3rd date,... Deb, that is my experience as well: with my lovely, it felt like a natural progression, and I knew by the time of the first kiss that she was only seeing me, and vice versa. Which is actually similar to what Mrlonelyone describes. Eclypse, that's wonderful! All the best for the 2 of you!
daletom Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Even 40 years ago I experienced a blend of your two categories. My first girlfriend happened when a girl was attracted to me the last few months of High School. Some friends had to point out that she was interested in me, and sort of coach me about what to do. From there it was pretty much your "classic romantic" relationship. We fell in love and it lasted more than 6 months but being hundreds of miles apart at different universities led to our breakup. We didn't really have an "exclusivity talk", but that happened at about the same time as the first kiss. Yes, she was my very first kiss -and she taught me A LOT about making love with a woman, even though we never did anything more than some heavy necking. (Does anybody even say "necking" any more?) Looking back, I think we really could have had a successful and fulfilling lifetime marriage. I truly hope her life has been good and wish we could meet sometime. I made several unsuccessful attempts but didn't date during college. While I REALLY wanted to have a girlfriend, I had to feel some mutual attraction at both physical and mental levels before I would even approach a girl in casual conversation. That's more like your "business transaction" category. I recall being at my college graduation, watching my friends receive their diplomas. As some of them stepped down from the stage they were met by a wife or girlfriend (or maybe both?) and displays of affection that sometimes bordered on sexual assault. I thought, "Hey - I must be the ONLY guy here who has never been laid!". Well, it wasn't true then and I don't think it would be true even now but the thought is almost a third category that seems to have quite a few contemporary followers: both sex and relationships are simply a mechanical, biological thing that people do as it suits there own needs. A few weeks after graduation a MUCH older friend (about my parents' age) suggested that I should get acquainted with a certain girl. The friend mentioned several apparent compatibility factors. I guess this would be more like your analytical, business transaction, category. There was a distance problem, so the girl and I wrote to each other for over three months. These were real letters on real paper, or often some kind of a friendship card, maybe with a trinket gift. The letters went 2 or 3 times a week and got progressively more serious. That seems more like your romantic category. (In retrospect, it was probably an excellent way for two quiet-and-shy people to become very well acquainted.) We finally met in person and had our first date. At the end of the first date I got real brave and moved to kiss her. She not only kissed, but kissed back! REALLY kissed back! On the FIRST DATE!! I guess that's definitely in the "romantic" category. In fact, I was very close to being in love (truly and seriously) even before I met her in person, due to our writing. I guess we did talk a little about exclusivity a few weeks later, but in fact I think we were exclusive from that first date. Most of our dating was done on weekends while house guests of each other's families. We learned about each other by seeing how we functioned in our families. Is that "business", or "romantic"? About three months after our first date I asked her to marry me. One year plus two weeks after we first laid eyes on each other we married. (Probably "romantic".) Then there was a double-virgin wedding night (I know, old-fashioned romantic) and a family of 3 kids and now 3 grandkids and it's over 38 years later. So my comment is that most peoples' experience doesn't fall neatly into those two categories but shifts between them. 1
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